You know you’re an Au Pair in the USA when…

Recently joined this group in Facebook. The points below are so appropriate and applicable. To let you know more about the lives of au pairs in the USA, I decided to post this in my blog. Of course, not all the situations are true for all au pairs. This depends very much upon the kind of host family you have and the family situation they are in. I would say that about 60-70% of the points stated are true for me. The point about napping…oh, so true! Ha!

You know you’re an Au Pair in the USA when…
…you always introduce yourself with : ‘Hi! my name is (your name), I’m from (country) and I have (number of children you are taking care of) children!!’
…everybody is greeting you with a ‘Hi.How are you?’
and you can’t respond fast enough, so you say it first!
…the worst thing is, when the dad is working from home
…you know what a S’MORE is
…you spent all your money at the MALL and you still have nothing to wear
…you hate Dora, The Wiggles and Thomas
…you say silly instead of stupid
…you go to PLAYDATES
…you’ve seen more movies in one month than in your whole life at home
…you drive over 30 minutes to a friend and you think it’s not far
…you only have other Au Pairs as your friends
…you can make bacon
…you say ‘like’ and ‘totally’ every three words
…someone has asked you stupid questions like:
- ‘do you have cars in your country?’ - ‘You don’t have Valentine’s day?’ - ‘Where is your country?’
…you don’t think it’s wrong to have cake AND ice cream
…you park as close to the store as possible so you don’t have to walk even one yard too far
…you cherish moments of silence more than ever before
…you notice yourself saying ‘GOOD JOB’ a hundred times a day
…you wonder why you slept the whole night long so uncomfortable and you notice the next morning, you slept on a barbie, a lollypop, sandtoys etc
.…you need to be creative to find new punishments because a time-out doesn’t work anymore ;)
…you have to admit to mistakes you never did or put the blame on you day for day
…you’re sure you don’t want own kids within the next 100 years
…you know now exactly how difficult it was for your parents to have little kids and you feel like saying thanks for all you’ve done to your mum and dad every day
…you’re ready to drink anytime of the day
…you start to love disney movies again and can copy every passage of them
…you’ve learned what it means to be patient
…you know what a LCC is
…you know that you should never SHAKE A BABY !!!
…you take a nap after you drop off the kids at school(even though you just woke up 2hrs ago :D)
…you are DRIVING to the busstop to pick up your kids, which is only 200 meters from your house.
…the kids call you mum cause you spend too much time with them…
…you think $160 every weekend just for shopping and coffee are not that much
…one cup of coffee doesn`t make you awake anymore, it just makes you alive
…you or your friends are KELLERKINDER!!!!
…you miss the good ol’ days when you were able to go to the bakery and get real bread w/ real butter (not that American shit called bread..haha)
…you don’t walk into the bank, you use the drive in to get your money
…you use Purell instead of washing your hands
…instead of singing songs from the radio, you’re singing childrens’ songs

Andy Lau’s Wondeful World Concert is really…wonderful

Went to Andy Lau’s concert last Friday Had a great time! Although I went alone, all by myself, I surprised myself by having a very, very good time there. I think the main reason was that I sat next to some cool fans like me and they allow me to be able to express myself in the concert. Had been a long time since I let myself open up so totally and so freely. I screamed myself hoarse, sang together with Andy and just enjoyed being an adoring fan. Andy is just so handsome and charming beyond words!

Well, everytime I see Andy Lau in person, I find myself falling in love with him all over again. It happens everytime. It is very different from watching him on tv or in movies. Seeing a person in person really makes the difference. Me, being a person of extreme fantasies and imagination, will often fantasize about what will happen if I had really see Andy in person, i.e I’m able to touch him and he’s able to touch me. I’m too proud a person and I like to think myself as extraordinary enough to not want just a touch. I want to be more than just a normal fans, like so many thousands of fans around the world. I want wish that I can be someone that if I do meet Andy in person, he would remember me. Positively. That’s the key. I don’t want him to remember me negatively, like the fan who committed suicide because her family disapproves of her affection for Andy. I want him to remember me in a positive way and not think of me as an ordinary fan. Anyway, it’s all in my head. Never would happen. Well, the world in my head often is the key to helping me survive in the real world.

Confused about language

I have been in contact with a lot of people lately. The latest one was with an American Korean. He has a localised American accent and when speaking with him, I discovered that I’m able to speak good English too. It also always amazes me whenever I hear Chinese/Asian children speak English in perfect American accent. This is the same for K and B. Whenever I talk to them, it sometimes makes me sad that they speak American accented English effortlessly but struggle with their Mandarin, which is their roots.

In my previous post, I mentioned that S came to S’pore recently. Whenever I talk to her, I struggle whether I should switch to my American accent English or just be myself and speak in my Singapore accented English. It was no problem when we were in USA, because everyone around us are having the same accent. In S’pore, I always feel so phony if I try to speak American English.

Now, I realise that I can speak English in three ways. One, I can be super Singlish. Most of the time, I do that when I talk to my very close friends, i.e, my best friends and friends from church and their children, especially to the children. Those children, influenced by their parents, speak very Singaporean English. If I try to speak good English to them, I don’t think they would understand me.

Second, I speak better English. This is when I try to leave out the ‘lah’s, ‘loh’s, ‘leh’s. I also try not to have a flat tone to my speaking. I heard from a friend while in USA that the reason why people can’t understand Singlish is because we speak too fast and we speak with a flat tone. This second type of better English is when I talk to my English-speaking friends, i.e, people from work or friends from JC. These people are all still Singaporeans but they don’t like or don’t speak Mandarin well.

The third kind would be too try to speak in American accented English. I speak this when I talk to my host family, to my overseas friends or to people from Western countries. I enjoyed watching American shows partly because I like how natural to them that they can pronounce their words correctly with all the ‘th’s and ‘r’s. When I try to speak American English, I do get my tongue tied sometimes and even misplaced my ‘r’s in some words but you can make up for it by highlighting the tone of your sentences. Just be more animated and not have a flat tone, then the words would come out right.

A friend recently told me that when I first came back from the States, I had a bit of American accent when I speak English. I didn’t realised that myself. I did struggle with myself whether I would want to speak proper English when I came back but it’s very hard to do that without sounding totally phony and being fake. I also didn’t want my friends to think I was being snobbish too.

Anyway, after my travels abroad, I really dislike people who can’t speak good English. Not that I look down on them, but the biggest turn off to me in a guy has become that he speaks in Singlish. I have always been the quiet sort who doesn’t speak much but I’ve always known that I can write better. But a guy who can’t speak good English when the occasion calls for it, needs to brush up on himself. That being said, I’m not saying that I’m far superior in my language skills. Just that I’m proud to know the difference between good bad ones.

Happy being busy!

I am so busy these two weeks! S came from NYC for a 3 week holiday and since she was such a good host to me during my time in USA, I had to reciprocate the favour. What’s more, it’s been so long since we saw each other, I’m glad for the opportunity to catch up with her.

Last Friday S wanted to go sun-bathing, so we went to Sentosa. I was such fun! This is my first time sun-tanning and because it was a weekday, there are less people at the beach. Most of them are Caucasians too. Had a good time ogling at bikini girls and guys (not that they’re very good looking). S was not satisfied until she caught all the sun and made sure that she’s very tanned. We stayed there for 4 hours. I think I caught a heat stroke. When we were leaving, I nearly fainted. Good thing I brought water and managed to finished it all and so avoided an embarrassing moment. Was apologetic to S though. I’m so weak! Anyway, I had a great time at Sentosa that day. I don’t mind going there again next time to sun-bathe. I just have to make sure I bring lots of water to keep myself hydrated!

This week, I had to relief teach at Canberra Pri on Monday and Tuesday. They’re both in the morning and I had to wake up very early! Not easy for me, who’s so not a morning person! Anyway, S called me up during Tuesday morning to meet her for lunch. She had two friends from NYC who are on a tour of South East Asia and happened to be in town. I was very tired and planned to go home after school to sleep my day away but I’m so glad that I went to meet them! Being with S and her two guy friends, I’m like transported back to my days in the States. They all spoke with an American accent and I find myself using my long-forgotten accent also. Also, since I used to live in the States, we had a lot of topics to talk about and I find myself no longer the one to just sit and listen, as I do so often with my own friends. It was so natural to find myself contributing my opinions and thoughts. I guess one thing that being in USA has taught me is that if I don’t open up, I would be ignored. Americans are very vocal and they can go on and on and if you choose to remain silent, they would not ask you to voice out or ask you what’s wrong. If I choose to remain quiet, they would respect my choice.

After being tour guides to the two American friends, we met up with another two friends of one of the two and went to a bar at Devonshire Road. I was so tired then from lack of sleep and had a splitting headache. What’s more, I was having that time of the month which makes it real uncomfortable. But I find myself also enjoying the time just talking and getting to know all these people. Our topics can range from politics (the recent hoo-ha about the Presidential Elections), differences between men and women and very often, differences in social attitudes in Singapore and USA. It was such am enriching night and we never run out of topic to talk about. I was able to also offer my opinions freely because all of us have been around both countries and have common understanding of issues.

I’m so glad to meet up with S again. She’s thinking of seriously moving back to Singapore from NYC. If she does that, I can envision us doing more fun things together. Being Westernised, S doesn’t bring with her the usual conservative notions that I’m used to with other Singaporean friends. I can unleash my other adventurous side with her, that I can’t with others. I really, really hope things will go well with S and to see her in Singapore soon!

Touched

I have been thinking a lot of this friend recently. Many years ago, she did something that till this day, I’m still very touched by it. It was a very small thing but I remember it well. Perhaps because up till now, no one else has done the same thing or even something close to what she did. Maybe because it is something that I myself may do to another person and I never expected someone to do the same to me.

This friend and me were friends in JC. We were not classmates. We were friends from the same ECA( yes, it was called ECA in my days, not CCA). We were both Student Councillors. As such, we had a councillor room and while other students had to pay rental fees for having lockers in the school, we had lockers/cubby holes right in our councillor room for each individual councillor, for free! CK and I were in the same committee in the councillor. I like to say that all councillors are close and enjoy each other’s company, but the fact is, we’re not. But I love my fellow councillors. In fact, other than my days in council, I can’t remember much about the studying in JC part. I enjoy JC so much because of the fact that I’m a councillor. That explains my crappy ‘A’ levels results. Anyway, back to the point. Due to the fact that CK and I were in the same committee, we get to work on some projects together sometimes and when it’s over, sometimes we go home together. By going home together, I mean just walking to the bus stop together.

One day, there was a pasar malam at the housing blocks outside our school. CK and I were walking to the bus stop together and were talking about the pasar malam. We were saying that maybe we should find one day during the week to go to the pasar malam (they usually last for a week). I was agreeing to go together and happened to mentioned that I would like to get ‘muah chee’ from the pasar malam as that is my favourite food. This was only mentioned in passing and then we headed home.

The next day after school, I went to the council room to take some books from my cubby hole (we always head for our cubby holes after school to decide if we want to take or leave our school books home). Upon opening my cubby hole, lo and behold, I found a box of ‘muah chee’ in there! It was in a red plastic bag and there’s a note attached. I can’t remember much of what was written, but I still have the note with me (lazy to go hunt it up). The overall meaning is that CK remembers that I mentioned that I like ‘muah chee’ so she got it from the pasar malam when she went there. I was so touched then that I was tearing up. It was such a sweet gesture.

I guess now I’m thinking of this thing that had happened so long ago (more than 10 years ago) is because I lament the fact that while I’m still touched by the act so many years later, I don’t keep in contact with the person anymore. True, we have each other’s contact numbers, we’re friends on Facebook (I think), but we don’t call or talk or meet up! The last I saw her was at her wedding and that was two years ago. After that, we don’t contact anymore. Although CK did something small to touch me, we were never very close. Close enough that she invited me to her wedding, which I was very honoured, but not close enough that we talk often. It’s only during council days, when we had to work together that we talk. Both of us had our own circle of good friends.

No matter what we do, every small act may be an act of kindness to some one else. On the opposite end, every small act may be an act of cruelty to another person. Be very careful how we act as many years later, our actions may still be remembered by the person we performed it on, be it good or bad. I’m guilty of many bad actions. After all, no one is perfect. I try my best to do small things that touch people, not hoping that it will be remembered, but hoping that it will brighten someone’s day, just like how it brightens up mine that day, so many years ago.

An Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

May the sun shine warm upon your face

May the rains fall soft upon your fields

And until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand

Miss Tay, can I go to the toilet?

The past week has been sort of busy for me again. Thanks to M in church, I got to go to her primary school to do relief teaching for her primary 2 class. So, on Monday and Tuesday I went to DZ’s school for Chinese Conversation classes, Wednesday and Thursday at M’s school for relief teaching and Friday to DZ’s school again for Chinese Conversation.

I didn’t realise that I takes so much to relate and ‘take care’ of thirty or so of 8 year olds. They are so full of energy and never shuts their mouths! There’s always someone who comes to me to complain of someone else bad-mouthing him/her, or someone coming to complain of me not calling them to answer questions and the winner of it all, is as the title says. I’m sick of hearing, ‘Miss Tay, can I go to the toilet?’ What’s wrong with their bladder anyway? They’re still so young! And I thought I go to the toilet often enough! I don’t remember going to the toilet so often during my primary school days. In fact, I don’t even dare to ask my teacher permission to go toilet. I would always try to hold till I really can’t bear with it anymore. Such was my respect and fear towards my teachers. However, the children these days are so daring. They openly criticise you, complain about you, and even talk back to you in such a way that it’s almost rude!

Of course, it doesn’t help that I pulled a nerve/muscle again on my right shoulder blade. Was so stiff on Wednesday when I woke up. I couldn’t lift my hands, turn my head to the right side or even look down. All this and I still had to keep up with a bunch of energetic kids! I had no choice but to go down to ‘Chien Chi Tow’ at Yishun on Wednesday evening after school to have my back massaged. It was such a torture, I tell you. The fact that I was already in pain already makes my back untouchable. The person had to use like all her strength on me. It was like being in a torture chamber. When I complained, she said she didn’t use much strength. Oh my. It was excruciating pain. But because I had to go through another day with the children the next day, I clenched my fist, grit my teeth and bore with the pain. I can feel my whole back having blue-black all over when I came back. At least I think it worked. I can turn and move my head now. I just cannot sit without moment for long or my back will cramp up and any movement will be painful.

So glad that another week has passed. I will be really jobless from next week on. The job I had hope to get didn’t go through, so I have to start all over again. Pray….

The past…is past…

I was looking through my gmail, where I kept all my past emails from during the time I went to the States until now. Yes, I keep all the emails that all important to me. In fact, all the replies that were sent to me when I sent out my updates of my life, I kept in the gmail account. It is so big that I still have not even reached 20% of the storage space.

So, anyway, I was looking through the emails. At the same time I was reading the mails that I sent out updating about my life in USA and everything that I did there. Really brings back lots of memories and as I was reading, the images came flooding into my head. The house, the girls, the Lynches, the neighbourhood, the neighbours, my au pair friends and many, many more. I could even trace back to when I went to a city for travel and what I did in certain months! I was such a regular writer! Ha!

I also went through the replies that were sent to me by my friends. It was real heart-warming, touching and sad at the same time. Heart-warming because I’m reminded of the encouragements and positive words through the emails that some friends sent to me when I was abroad. Touching because I’m reminded of the things that some friends offered to help me when I was in a foreign land. Some offered to send me things from home, some opened up their places for me to visit while I was there, etc. Sad because in a lot of ways, many things had changed since then and I don’t even hear or see from those same friends who offered me the support that I needed back when I wanted them to.

It seems that I was closer to my friends when I was not physically there with them. Such is the nature of humans. We only cherish when something is not around. In the emails, there are many lines of, ‘I miss you’, ‘I wish you were here’, etc. Also, many of my dear friends are more willing to bare their thoughts to me through emails. It seems that we’re very shy when it comes to talking face-to-face. Never in a million years would we be so frank and update with as much details as when we are not talking in person. D and YY used to email me with some sort of regularity when I was in USA. Now that I’m back, I don’t even see them anymore. I do care about them as they were an important part of my growing up years into an adult. D even mentioned in one of the earlier emails that he missed the days when we had Friday nights suppers, talking and sharing. I do miss those days too but now that I’m actually back, everyone has moved on to another point in their life and no one seems to be willing to stop and think or listen.

Well, just getting a little nostalgic. I’m always doing this sort of things. I used to always take my primary and secondary school autograph books out and just think about my friends. I also often look through photo albums to remember better and happier times. I’m just someone who just can’t stay out of trouble. Like the title, the past, is past…



Dennis
October 1, 2008 at 10:45 am

Well, just to let you know that i do still keep a point to visit your blog and hear your thoughts once in a while. It’s been a while since we folks and the rest last met. I bumped into YY the other day and chatted alittle. Its true that things are different now as we all going thru different paths of our lives. And somehow, and strangely, i kind of know u more of a person , through your writing, rather than in person. Well that’s beside the point.

Anyway just dropping by to say hi and to show that i am still breathing and strong, haha. Hope the same goes for you.

Dennis

End of a busy week

Last week was a very crazy week for me. Seems all of a sudden, everything comes at the same time. I was asked by the school that I was teaching part-time to do relief teaching for a whole week for one of the Chinese teacher. This means that I have to wake up at 6am and be in school by 7.30am. That’s not all. They have a stupid system that we have to work for5.5 hrs each day to qualify for a full day pay. The official school hours are already 7.40am to 1.10pm. That is exactly 5.5hrs. They even stated that they do not pay for lunch hours. So, I’m expected to stay longer at the school in order to fulfill the required hours just so I can get what I deserved. What a stupid system. No teacher will have classes for the whole 5.5hrs throughout and they expect you to be having classes all day.

Anyway, other than getting up at 6am everyday, I also have the choir singing for gospel rally at Indoor Stadium last week. Other than Monday, which I was free, I had choir in church on Tuesday and from Wednesday to Sunday night, I was at Indoor Stadium. Everyday got back at 11pm plus, close to 12am. The next day go to school. It was really a very busy and tiring time. Not only do I feel tired everyday, I spent a lot on travelling time and fares too.

Want to talk about the gospel rally. It was my very first time listening to the whole series of talks by Rev. Stephen Tong. He is a very intelligent person. While he is able to use a lot of examples in his talks, I find it too fast and intellectual for the common people. Other than the talk on the last Sunday night, the rest of the nights have talks that require one to sit at attention and listen carefully to all that he’s talking. If at any point you get distracted or even takes time to think about what he was saying, you will lose the whole tread of his talk. That being said, I enjoyed this chance in participating in the choir for this rally. I enjoyed learning the hymns and glad to have the chance to be with other people who shows such good vocal prowess. It is a marked difference from the choir standards that we have at church. Shows that when you have the time to really practise, a song or hymn can be sung well.

Now that I finally have the time to relax, I start to pay for last week’s fatign. My throat starts to get sore. Makes even swallowing saliva painful. Then, I had my period. The painful cramps! Then, I had something of a heart burn or something. The last time I told the doctor I had this problem, he suspected me to have gallstones. After doing an expensive ultra sound test, it shows that I’m in good health. I was told to eat some medicine but it didn’t really help. The only solution is to sleep it off.

Well, next week will be the last week of the part-time teaching. I have to get some other job to earn some money. Have a job that is in the works now. I really hope it goes through, meaning that it will at least pay decently. It will be something that I will love. Pray, Pray.

Change of layout!

Friendster has made a change to their blog site. I decided to change to it early since eventually everyone will need to change. Thought of changing my blog colours and theme at the same time but the choices offered are not that great. I don’t like my blog to have a white background. Other than black, there’s 2 other choices - pink and blue. I like the pink one but it has flowers and hearts as side pictures and I think it’s too much for my character. The blue one has a big lotus at the top. Makes me think of Buddist themes. Since I’m a Christian, I decided against it. So, once again, it’s still back to plain old black. Ha! Still getting used to the new blog functions. I can’t find the button that allows me to enlarge the text, like the old one has. I also don’t see the button for attaching pictures, although there is a ‘Add media’ thing but the window that pops up seems complicated. Never mind. I’ll deal with it when I need to upload pictures.

I recently registered to be a relief teacher. Just when MOE has sent me the form confirming my registration, I got a call from Dezhong’s school wanting me to take relief classes for a week for one of the Chinese teacher. Talk about good timing. Anyway, will do this for some time and see how. Hopefully these experiences of relief teaching and teaching the Conversation Mandarin will help me in my application for a full-time teacher.

Lots of happenings lately on the home front. Not going to talk about that as I don’t want anyone to know. Very complicated. I know my brothers and me taking the passive stand is not helping but we just feel too laid back for too long to be active in it now. I’m still praying that things will go well. I just know that I need money. Lots of money. At the same time, I do not want to lose my sense of identity. There’s ways to earn money. Getting a proper job, staying in an office and hating the thought of getting up every morning is one way. I really do not want to do that. Call me selfish but despite all the problems, I still want to do the things that define me. That makes me comfortable and happy. I deserve happiness even though there’s so much unhappiness around, right? Well, the next week and months are crucial periods. We’ll just have to take it as it comes along.

Welcome party for Team Singapore

On Monday, I followed Dezhong and his students to go to the welcome party for Team Singapore. Actually I didn’t want to go as I know it will be very crowded and just lazy and tired to go all the way there. However, to my surprise, I had a very good time and enjoyed the interaction with the students.

We went to Clark Quay first to wait for the athletics passing by on Hippo buses. We waited for an hour just to see them for less them 5 mins. What a big waste of time. Main duty there was to wave and cheer for the athletics when they passed. A big boost of their egos, I guess.

The students at the bus stop waiting for the athletics to pass by.

The officials from Team Singapore also at Clark Quay

to cheer for the team.

Can you see Li Jia Wei, Feng Tian Wei and Wang Yue Gu?

After cheering at Clark Quay, we proceeded to Raffles City for the final party. It was a bonus to all of us to see JJ Lin performing there.

Team Singapore and the golden girls

When would it be my turn?

Last Tuesday there was a fellowship committee meeting at ZC & Z’s house. During the meeting, we always get distracted by our topics and got to talk about our life in general or some sharing. Z was talking about her newborn baby and the difficulties and helplessness of her in caring for the baby. She was saying that she doesn’t even dare to go for spa massage because she’s afraid that she might be dripping milk from her breasts. Haha! She also shared on her difficult first month with the baby, especially at night, to the point that her mum was worried that she might get post-natal depression.

As I was listening to Z talk about her difficulties, along with sympathies and concern for her, I also felt a very distinct feeling of envy. Now, although I have vast experience with babies and children, it is different from child-birth. Having never experienced it, I can never understand the pains and problems that comes from the whole issue, from pregnancy to labour. Z was saying that other mothers in the fellowship has been giving her advice along the way which she’s very grateful and thankful for. I can’t give any advice because I’ve not experienced it. The advice I sometimes give to others are all that I read or heard from others. Even the advice I give on how to discipline and educate children or to handle children are sometimes not being listened to seriously because people think that I do not have my own children and therefore not competent enough to dole out advices.

Recently there’s a lot of talks and seminars from private organizations on childcare, how to handle or communicate with your children or education, things like that. In most of these seminars, they always invite celebrity parents to give talks on their child-rearing ways. I really don’t understand about that. Just because they are celebrities, just because they become parents now, suddenly they become very good with children or they become good parents. What bulls**t is that? Just because a person becomes a parent does not mean that the person is a walking encyclopedia on all things to do with children. If that’s true, why are there still bad parents around? Why are there still cases of child abuse?

Anyway, back to the first topic. Yes, as I was listening to Z talk about her dealings with her son, I keep thinking that at least she has these problems to deal with. I wish to have these problems but I don’t even have the chance. I was also thinking whether I would ever have the chance to experience the same difficulties, the same emotions, as Z. This brings me back to when I was 10. Young girls at 10 will always have a talk in school by the nurses on their upcoming changes in their body, i.e period or menstruation. I was so hyped up by the nurses and very fascinated by the use and function of the sanitary pads that I still remember I told my mum that I can’t wait for my periods to arrive so I can use those pads. My mum said that I was crazy. I was indeed crazy! Oh, the menstrual pains and troublesome changing of pads! Well, at least I know that my menstrual will come eventually, but will I eventually get to be a wife and a mum? That is something that is only a probability and not an eventuality.

When would it be my turn?

Hard work does not equal results

I love to watch the gymnastics event of the Olympics, especially the women’s event. The event just draw me. Though each routine takes only a few minutes or even seconds to finish, I know that they put in a lot of hard work into it, maybe even their whole life.

The other I was watching the Men’s Artistic Gymnastics - Individual Apparatus finals. It was the floor exercise. One of the competitor was a gymnast from Brazil, Diego Hypolito. The commentator said he’s a World Champion on floor exercise. During the whole routine, Diego was doing good. During the last tumble, he unexpectedly sat down. Normally, when an athletic did not do well in their event, they would mask their disappointments, sadness and emotions very well with a straight face. Sometimes the closest they showed something would be to give a shrug of the shoulders. This Diego, when he sat down, he gave a face of, "I can’t believe I did that" look. When he climbed up to leave the stage, his face slowly crumpled up and he was tearing. When he went to sit on the chairs, he was holding his face and head in his hands and shaking his head form time to time. During the rest of the competition, when others are doing the routine, I would see this Diego sitting there, with his face crumpled up, even crying a bit. He would even mumble to himself, maybe going through in his head what went wrong. He was so inconsolable.

Till now, I still can’t forget the look of despair and unbelief of this Diego. My heart goes all out to him for his mistake. Maybe in the end even if he did everything well in the routine, he won’t get a medal. But I believe to every athletic, doing his/her best is the best form of answer to their hard work. When you did something well, you have answered to yourself. The results rest on the judges and if they think you are not good enough, you accept it. However, when you made a mistake, there’s always the question in your mind of, "What if?" Maybe if I didn’t make the mistake, I would get a medal.

I really keep thinking of this Diego’s face. Really hope he can pick himself up again and see him in London Olympics in 2012.

Exercise

Just a quick post before I go watch the finals of the Women’s table tennis. I went for jogging at Bishan park just now(finally!) I would love to say that it was invigorating and feels good, but I don’t feel that, actually. I’ve stopped jogging for a little more than 2 years. Had been jogging regularly during my stay in USA as there was a treadmill in the house. My host mum would be someone who would wake up at 5.30am or 6am to jog before going to work at 7am. Inspired by her, I also picked up the habit of jogging. Of course, being a not morning person, I would NOT wake up so early to jog. I usually do it when both the girls are in school and I exercise after sending them to school in the morning. This would be usually 2-3 times a week. Since coming back to Singapore, the hot weather has been something that I’ve been adjusting to and I absolutely hate it that it’s so hot sometimes. Thus, always the same excuse to not exercise.

Anyway, when I started jogging just now, I felt the rust in my right knee, which has always been giving me problems. So I started slow. I had to jog a bit, walk a bit. This gives my body a chance to warm up and get used to the rhythm of jogging again. However, this also means that whenever my heart starts to pump hard, I would have to stop. It also kinda defeats the purpose of jogging in the first place! Seems like I never did any exercise at all. Towards the end of my run, I can feel my right leg cramping up, so I was walking a lot. I did about 22 sit up after the run. Can feel the stitch in my stomach now. Haha. Makes me feel that I did something good to my body.

I hope I can keep up this exercise routine. Hate the feeling of being so breathless and going to faint. Well, other than to lose weight, I hope to b more healthy too! Ok, time to watch Olympics. Till next time…!

This is why I like Andy Lau

Andy's concert in Chengdu, China. The fan was whacked by security officers after giving flowers to Andy. Andy Lau jumped down to defend his fan despite the concert being ongoing. Andy rocks!

Motherhood

Yesterday I had a strange dream. Strange because I do not know whether it’s a good dream or a bad one. You know the feeling sometimes when you woke up and you know that you had a dream. It can leave you feeling happy because it was a sweet dream or it can leave you scary or unhappy because it was a bad one. Well, when I woke up, I still remember what my dream was but it was something that I can’t put to words and there’s a lot of mixed feelings that comes with it.

I put my title as ‘Motherhood’ because that’s what my dream was about. I dreamt that I had a baby! No, not the giving birth process and the pain and all that. Just that I had a baby. It was a boy. The baby was very young too, like around 2-3 months. Must be the after-effects of carrying ZC & Zer’s 1 month old baby. Anyway, in the dream, the baby is mine. No specifics about how the baby looks like. No, doesn’t look like baby Daniel because it’s my baby and the dream was very clear about that and so it very clearly showed me that the baby is not baby Daniel’s face.

Ok, this is embarrassing but in the dream, I get to breast feed my baby! Haha. I’ve always enjoyed carrying and taking care of babies and children. All the children I have played with and carried, I can efficiently attend to all their needs…except feed them. This is something which I’ve always regretted because I’ve always wondered about the feeling of breast feeding. Will you be able to feel the milk flowing out of you? Will it be painful? Will you be able to have milk coming our of your breast when you just sort of press your breast, things like that. So, in the dream, I get to experience it and it was great to be able to have my own baby!

Well, next thing to ask would be, ‘Who’s the father?’. In the dream, the baby doesn’t have a father. I just had a baby! Dreams are supposed to be weird and out of logic, so nothing wrong with that. There was a guy in the dream who is there for me and the baby but then I’m not going to say who he is. You can say it reflects my feelings for this guy but he’s someone who people knows and I prefer not to let all of you reading this blog to know. It’s too sensitive. Haha.

Anyway, back to the strange part of the dream. I was happy with having a baby to call my own in the dream. It’s also scary too. I don’t really know what to do with the baby. It wasn’t a long dream because I was woken up by the alarm but when I woke up, I had a sense of lost. I was like wondering where my baby is and why I seemed so free. I was also aching to hold my baby and breast feed him too! Yes, the breast feeding part was very vivid. It’s not a wet dream, ok!

Well, just want to blog this down so I can remember. I look forward to having a baby of my own. Some day. Some day….

Suicide

Don’t worry. I’m not thinking about suicide. I guess after my last post, which is quite depressing and now my title is suicide will make some of you worry about me. No. Not talking about me here.

I just read yesterday’s papers and got to know that somewhere in AMK the day before, there was a young boy of fifteen who committed suicide by jumping off from a block of flat on the twelve storey. The boy came from a poor, single parent family. He was always seen at a coffeeshop nearby, begging for money. The accounts given by stall owners say that he’s a good boy who doesn’t bother customers and only talk or ask for money when talked to. Some customers and stall owners take pity on him by buying him drinks or food when they see him. However, the boy would be unable to eat thinking of his mother and siblings at home who have nothing to eat, so he would ask for money. The amount he asked for is also not much. Only $2! No one knows why the boy suddenly jumped to his death. A neighbour said on the fateful day, the boy seems sad and looked like he was chased out of his house.

This story reminded me of another story I read in You Jing’s book. It’s about a boy who is also from a single parent family. The mother had only this son and she’s very protective of him, so much so that she tends to question and restrict his every move. When the boy has done or said something that is deem unacceptable, the mum would question him or even go the extent of going to the boy’s school to get to the bottom of the matter. Naturally, this greatly embarrassed the boy and he’s out casted in school by his classmates. One day, the boy got into an accident and while the boy told the whole story truthfully to his mum, the mother found it too incredible and thinks that he’s lying to cover up something. So the mum decided to go to the boy’s school to find out what exactly happened (as the event involved a girl who attends the same school). The boy told the mum not to go out of fear that it may cost him his only friend in school and threatened that he will jump down from the flat if she went. The mum paid no heed to him and out of desperation, the boy just leaped out of the window and to his death.

Both of these stories made me very, very sad. I was feeling very ‘out’ after reading both stories. They’re both still boys, same age. They had not even the chance to experience what life has to offer and had to end their lives. True, they had a bad start by being born into a poor family but there will be a way out if they are able to keep to their dreams and work their way up. They both had ambitions and dreams too, I’m sure. What’s more, both are good boys, who respect elders and are filial.

Though I may rant and rave about my situation and lack of opportunities, I’m not desperate yet. When I read about these stories, it makes me think that there are so many people out there who are in more desperate situations than me. I really should stop complaining so much and count my blessings. At least I don’t have to beg and I don’t have to worry that much about money (at least for now, yet). Whenever I look towards my home’s wide open window, I think how easy it is to just leap out that window and to your death (I live on the 12th floor, by the way). Not that I’m thinking about jumping, but it’s just how easy it is to die. After you jump out, there’s no room for regrets, even if you do. There’s nothing else for you to hold on to, to stop you from reaching the concrete below. If you jump into the sea, at least you have a chance of survival if you swim hard enough, long enough. But jumping down into the air, there’s nothing.

Okay, I know I’m sounding morbid. Just feeling very, very sad for the boys and what could have been for them. Really. I’m very emotional and sentimental. Sad is not even the word to describe. Sad is too mild a word. sigh…

Expectations

I’m so sick of living up to people’s expectations. Being born and living in Singapore, we’re expected to follow the path that has been set out for us ever since we’re born. Primary school, secondary school, followed by poly or JC. Then university, find a good job, find someone to marry, have kids and spend the rest of your life balancing bills and teaching your kids to follow the same stated path all over.

Just because I want to do something that I like to do and that something is different from the original path, I’m seen as a failure and useless. Not that I have tried. I have tried to work like everyone else, get up in the morning, go to work, come back very tired but still fulfil family’s obligations, weekends spend with church events, come Monday, follow the same pattern again. I used to have a boyfriend also to deviate a little from the regime, and to have someone to hold and talk to. Those did not work out and were not God’s plans. I accept that. Why can’t everyone else accept it too?

MOE rejected me yet again. Everyone asks me to keep trying. I may or I may not. It’s just that everytime I get rejected, I feel like such a failure and it’s a crush to the ego and my own confidence. I’ve tried twice and I should think that’s enough! I may be saying this now, but I guess eventually when life and reality strikes, I may go back to trying again.

Now I try to avoid seeing my mum and talking to her. I will try to be nice or talk nicely to her and she will be saying sarcastic things about me not working and wasting my time and youth, etc. She just wants me to work so I will give her money. I’m not working now, so I stop giving her money for family expenses. Her lack of understanding for my feelings, ambitions and thinking irks me a lot. It’s always about money, money, money! And she keeps using the fact that I’m not working, so I should do this or that around the house, like I’m a maid. When I was working, I was expected to do the same things also! So why keep saying the not working part!? I hate that!

I just wish to hole up somewhere and wait for the world to forget about me.

幸福跟你无关

年轻时，
人总是在寻找让自己幸福的理由。
如果可以怎样怎样，
就会多多多幸福。
如果可以跟谁在一起，
世界就会多多多美丽。
其实，很多人最后还是不幸福。
我想，幸福是可以跟别人无关的。
当我们想不通这点，就会陷入苦恼。
也会强求，乞讨，甚至用威胁来换取所谓的幸福。
幸福，也许会来得很缓慢。
但，它绝对不是来敲门的售货员。
也不是唐三藏千山万水取西经。
我想，幸福可以跟别人无关。
很简单的，
从自己看世界的丑态时，
从自己看内心的空虚时，
从一个深呼吸和微笑
重新开始。

Cheers to MY and only MY Poverty

I don’t like to be poor
but I deeply appreciate my poverty.
for the past months,
I have been very poor.
I told myself, I would bring you
to your long overdue dentist visit
once i got my paycheck.
I worried about many things
and felt utterly hopeless
but still
I slept through the nights
like a drooling baby
I cursed and lamented
to the ceiling fan
about what a bitch the world has become
then I swore to kill this mean bitch
and would never surrender to its claws
I deeply appreciate poverty
because it forces me to
gain new perspectives
and cultivate a wicked sense of humour
to mock at myself
which is difficult when one has
everything
and everything comes too easily.
but honestly, what is my poverty
compared to those who are truly suffering?
but what depresses me is the fact that
the world is controlled by those in power
and so are our lives
even when we don’t regard money
as the path to happiness
the powerful and rich
have rightfully made the world so.
and so the manipulation goes.
and goes and goes.
finally my paycheck arrived.
I went to do my groceries today.
and realized i didn’t need many things.
I am truly happy and rich
in my own twisted way, I think.
this is a simple tribute to my constant poverty
which I appreciate while I am alive and kicking
and always hope to float above it
heads up
I will always kick life’s ass, you bitch.

Books to read

(The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books that you love.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ/blog so we can try and track down these people who’ve read 6 and force books upon them

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’ Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Failure…

I’m super pissed off and in a bad mood right now. In fact, I was like this for the whole of today. I went for the MOE interview this morning. It did not go well and I guess there goes my chances of EVER becoming a teacher. Well, I did indicate that I wanted to teach ENGLISH subjects and NOT CHINESE! Why do they offer that to me in the first place?? When I said I’m not confident in teaching Chinese, I was being honest. I could have lied and said I’m very happy and comfortable! I already said I’m willing to put in the effort!!

Singapore is such an Elitist country and society. If I really do not get it this time, I don’t care what any Pastor says. I’m going to do WHATEVER I WANT. Of course it’s not something bad. Just that I tried my best to do what seems the best course of action but I’m just not given the chance! Just because I don’t and can’t go to a local University. Just because I don’t get good results. I’m condemned. Never mind all my passion. Never mind all my experience. Never mind all my enthusiasm. Bulls**t!!!!

I’m just so pissed off that I’m not given the chance to prove myself. I get so much pressure from being at home and just being in Singapore. Today after the interview, I went to watch ‘Sex and the City’ alone. Watching it made me miss NYC so much. The snow scenes especially made me nostalgic. Falling snow. How peaceful. How beautiful. How wonderful. It made me miss the independence, the freedom and the life I had there. I totally would trade anything to be able to lead my own life right now. You know, when I was in USA, whenever it snowed at night, I would sit in the dark in my room, open the window and just stare at the falling snow. Yes, it’s cold to open the window, but I just wear thicker clothes. It is the most peaceful when it’s snowing. Everything is so quiet (even if it’s snowing in the day time). I love that quiet. Yes, I used to cry a little missing my friends at home when I was staring at the snow, but at the same time, I was enjoying the moment too. I knew that I would not be able to see it forever. I only get to see it for two seasons. I’m glad I did take the time to enjoy that.

Anyway, back to the point. I tried. And if I failed, too bad. I will pray very hard. I really hope God hears. Pray for me too because I’m at road’s end.

给妈妈的信

I had wanted to bring my mum to church during the parent’s day celebration. She wanted to go back to Malaysia and be with my aunts and uncles. I mentioned before that Pastor Phua let us have some time to speak to our mums after the worship. If my mum had been there, this is what I would have told her:-

‘妈，你常说我们从来都没有送你礼物。其实我长久以来，都在尝试送你一份礼物，就是救恩的礼物。一直都很希望你能接受。可是你都拒绝。那天，林牧师说我们能给父母最好的礼物，就是救恩。我完全同意。有了救恩，并不代表问题都会解决，问题会没有，但我相信你会有平安。你一直说我们没有了解你，你又何尝有了解我们呢？我真的希望你能够尝试来了解我，了解我的坚持，了解我为什么要坚持。’

This is something that I would never say to my mum face-to-face. Just keep praying….

29th birthday

Have been feeling rather bored recently. The only highlight of the week was my birthday on Monday. It was Vesak Day, a public holiday. Just as well, the fellowship decided to have a program on that day. Turn out wasn’t as good as thought because many people backed out at the last minute. Good thing was that most of those with families are there. The babies and children are always a good source of entertainment. This time, we went for bowling at Yishun Safra. It was fun. Though I don’t bowl very well, but since it has been a long time since I last bowled, it was something new and it’s always good and exciting to be doing new things. It made me want to go bowling again.

Actually, most of the fellowship brothers and sisters know that it’s my birthday that day. XQ and family even bought me a present. Noelle was so excited to give me the present. Haha. XQ told me that she picked the present but the wrapping paper was picked by Noelle. Nice. Not too bad design. The sad thing was that the dinner program was not joined by many people. Most of them has other commitments and had to leave. I was quite sad. However, WX and the rest surprised me. Think they told the people at the restaurant to celebrate my birthday at the end of our dinner and they restaurant played the birthday song heard by EVERYONE at the restaurant. Every patron at the place was like singing birthday song to me. That was soooo embarrassing. I felt like a 5 year old. Haha.

Well, other than that, it was nothing much about my birthday. Family, we’re used to not celebrating any occasions. When I woke up, no one was at home. The thing that disappointed me the most was that the Lynchs forgot my birthday. They remembered last year and even sent my presents and cards from UK. This year, they forgot. Not that I want any presents from them. But at least a phone call would be nice. I even logged on to Skype at night just to give them a chance to call me but even though they are shown to be online, they did not try to call me. It was only the next day that I received an e-card from them. Very obviously sent very last minute loh. Must really thank internet and technology. If not, will not even get an e-card.

Sigh, maybe I shouldn’t place so high an emphasis on the Lynchs anymore. They have moved on with their lives. I should too. Like what Anne said before, ‘The time at Fairfield was a good time and was fun, but now it is time to move on and let them but their own family.’. She’s right. I was not family and never will be. Who am I to demand that they always remember about me. Although the girls are very important to me and I love them so much, they were never mine and will never be mine. They’re so loved by their parents and their families, they don’t need me. Perhaps I should move on too. My thoughts are always filled with my time in Fairfield. Even little things that happened then are stilled remembered very vividly. They may be the best years in my life but they’re not the only years. I still have more memories to look back on and better memories to create.

Well, maybe. Maybe it’s time to let go.

Shopping and KTV

Finally I got to enjoy some of the perks of being jobless. Went out to Orchard for some shopping on Friday with J. She has a much better life, being married to a good husband who can provide for her and I think they’re expecting their first child, so she has a legitimate excuse not to work. My mum also said if I don’t want to work, find someone to marry and she won’t be nagging me anymore. I would love that more than anything, but how am I to control or choose? Anyway, back to shopping. Did not buy anything much. Bought a top from This Fashion and two outfits for little Isabelle for her first birthday. I’m just glad for the chance to be out and do something that’s enjoyable.

Today, Sunday, the church celebrated Parent’s Day. Pastor gave the children time after worship to go to the front to say some things to their parents. It was a very touching moment. In fact, lots of tears flowed. For me, who can’t stand to see people crying, of course also cried with them. Aiyah, so silly. Wish I can say the same things to my parents. Unfortunately my family situation is different. I don’t have the same feelings towards my parents. Not that I don’t love them, but just too much happenings in my family that makes the love complicated. Sometimes it’s a love-hate feeling. So, when my mum complains that we don’t celebrate for her, I can’t really evoke the guilty feeling. You can’t force someone to be happy for you and do something special for you when the feeling is not there.

Well, after church, met WJ and YJ for KTV. Yeah! I love to sing with them. They know lots of songs and sing well so I can learn a lot from them and enjoy the singing process. After that, WM joined us for dinner at J8. The four of us did not have a proper meal for several months now and it’s nice to just sit and talk. Just so comfortable.

Now, after all these outings and gatherings, think I have to stop spending so much. Not working and still spend like there’s no tomorrow. I really have to curb my spending. But, I feel like going for a holiday. I can claim an air-ticket from my frequent-flyer miles or I can always go back to Batam, which will be cheaper. If I do go on another holiday, I’m sure I will get endless nagging from mum again. Arghhhh!!

Finally a break

I can finally take a break! Nothing to do, no need to get up early everyday. Although it has only been a few days, I’ve not been enjoying this break as yet. Last Sat, I did something during my sleep and seems to pull a nerve. The result is that I’ve been having pain around my left shoulder and back. It’s been affecting me so much that I can’t even do a simple thing such as comb my hair because I can’t stretch to the back. It also affected my sleep as I can’t turn as and when I wish. Whenever I make a turn, I would wake up from pain and then have to turn carefully. To make matter worse, I have my period too! Now, my stomach, back, shoulder and lower back all feels pain. The good thing about this is that at least I didn’t have to go to work and I can rest at home. I really can’t imagine if I have to go to work everyday with all these pain, how I can stand it.

I still don’t know what to do for my life. Have applied to MOE. Hopefully this time will be successful. Still considering what I’ve been thinking of since last year, but I really lack the courage. My lack of funds is the biggest concern. Some days really feel like betting everything I have on a dream and just do it but reality pulls me back fast. I read an article yesterday about the Singapore Dream and Singapore Plan. We are so used to being told what to do in Singapore that we tend to follow the same paths. No one dares to venture out of their comfort zone. When someone deviates from the usual path, people around will say lots of things and makes us feel so alienated that we sometimes will lose our courage and return to the same rat race. Actually, for me to be joining the rat race is too late now. Having no skills, no experience, no excellent academic results, I cannot dream of making it big or ever striking it rich. It’s only the simple wish for a stable life and to really find my other half that compels me to stay on. Not sure what God’s plan is for me, but after the mission trip, I just hope that God really did use His servant to speak to me. If I interpret the message wrongly, I also don’t know what will happen in future.

Anyway, I would like to enjoy my free time now. Hopefully my pulled nerve will recover within the next few days and I can do more things next week, like reading, walking, exercising more. With all these free time, you can also expect me to blog more!

Japan Trip

Went to Tokyo, Japan and Hong Kong for a few days in April. This is my second time in Japan, though first time in Tokyo. Really enjoy the weather and food there, although we pretty much eat the same things for every meal. We are poor, so can only eat those affordable ones. Haha.

One disappointing thing about the trip. We went to Hakane to see Mt. Fuji. When we were in the cable car, we were able to see it for a bit and took some pictures but when we got on the cruise ship, it turned out to be too foggy that we were not able to take anymore proper pictures of it. So sad and disappointed. Don’t think I will go to Japan anymore to see it. Sigh…

This is the first time also that WJ, YJ and I got to travel together after 15 years of friendship. WM was supposed to join us but some miscommunication and bad planning made her miss the chance. Well, it’s indeed a test of friendship sometimes to travel together. You have to be together most of the time and there’s a lot of communication and a lot of giving way to each other to be done. Sometimes it just feels frustrating that you can’t do things your way. Maybe I’m too used to travelling on my own? Anyway, not sure if we would travel again together in future. I’m just glad that we survived the trip safely and all of us got to do what we wanted to do and see.

YJ got all her shopping done and I got to see the scenery and places that I read up on. I really don’t understand those people who go overseas just for shopping. You can buy only so much. So what if they are cheaper than in Singapore? Travelling to me is to experience the culture and people and way of life. What can you understand by staying in a building or shopping mall all day? Well, different people have different values.

While in Hong Kong, we happened to be i the midst of typhoon number 3. Was very windy. On the last day, when we had to go to airport for the flight home, it even rained very heavily. Got ourselves all wet that we had to change into dry clothing at the airport and our flight was also delayed for an hour and a half. By the time I got home, it was already 2am.

Though it was a very tiring trip, I’m still glad for the chance to holiday. Hopefully I can get to see the Lynchs at the end of the year. Really miss the girls as well as Dutch.

Frustrating!!

Had a very bad day at work today. I don’t really want to go too deep into what’s happening because I know in some way, maybe I was in the wrong too. I just want to vent my frustrations here. I just feel I’m being taken for granted and being scolded for something that’s not my fault at all. I just can’t take in lying down.

If not for trying to be a good guy and make it easier for my boss, today would have been my last day at the company. It’s because I was trying to help him. In the end, it became like I don’t do proper work and get all the s**t work. I’m sorry to use this type of language but it’s really totally true! I’m just so fed up with having to deal with all these people. Especially don’t like hearing all bulls**t. If I hear another, ‘我很忙的!’ I’m going to go crazy. Like you’re the only one who’s busy.

Anyway, though I was feeling like crying after bottling up all these frustrations and being wronged, I did not do it in the end. Just thought it’s silly to have these people make me cry. I can go anytime since I’ve already quited. Don’t bully me anymore!!!!

Heart like still water

After going through several relationships which amount to nothing, I’ve still not learned my lessons. As age catch up with me, I tend to get a little nervous about still being single. Every guy I meet, I would ask myself whether he’s a possibility. And believe me when I say I fall very easy for a guy. Just be nice to me.While anxious, I’m also afraid of choosing the wrong guy again and wasting all those time dating and then finding out the he’s not ‘The One’. Other than wasting time, there’s the being hurt issue too. Really very hurting when a relationship ends.

So, to solve this problem, some years ago I’ve made a prayer to God. I told God that if the guy that I meet is not going to be ‘The One’ then please don’t make me fall in love with him or have any feelings for the person. I think God must have been listening to my prayer and answering it.

I have not felt anything special for any guy for a very long time. True, sometimes when it’s only a one-sided love, it’s torturous. But you can’t deny that it’s also a sweet feeling. When the guy talks or calls you, you feel so happy. When the guy goes out with you, you try your best to impress. You can say that my heart is like still water now. It does not feel anything much nowadays. Well, of course I still have love for God, love for friends and family and most of all, love for Kara and Brigid, which hurts me sometimes to think about them. But a love relationship between a man and a woman should be the strongest and I’ve not had that for a long time.

When I listen to the radio and they say think of the person that you like and want to tell him/her about it, I can’t think of any single special person. There’s just no target around me at the moment and I guess, I can safely say I’m nobody’s target too. This means that I’ve not been widening my social circle and don’t meet new people at all recently, other than my clients at work, which don’t count. Most of my guy friends around me are either married, have girlfriends or we have known each other for so long that a relationship is impossible. I think I need to do some thing about this. God can help but I need to have some actions too. Now, where should I start?

Mission trip

I wrote a similar post on Sunday night but when I tried to post it, my explorer hung on me. Guess what happens in the end? I had to end task and lost everything I wrote! Arghhh…..! I was too lazy to write again but I’m in the mood now, so I will try to recall what I wrote.

I went for a one week Mission Trip to Indonesia (Batam, Pekanbaru & Tanjong Pinang) last week with Rev. Phua and 8 other brothers and sisters from church. This was a very rewarding and self-fulfilling trip. I feel myself grow a lot spiritually and being closer to God.

The part that I especially liked was the sharing of Rev. Lian and his mission works in Indonesia. It is indeed very heartening and encouraging to hear of what miracles God will perform when you trust everything in Him and put everything into His hands. After hearing all this, I so much want to experience the same miracles that I’ve decided to also entrust myself fully into the Lord. I hope that this resolution and determination would not diminish as I fall back into the realities of life.

During this trip, I also felt very strongly God speaking to me through the two Reverends. Upon arriving in Batam, the very first sermon that Rev. Phua delivered already made me sit up and reconsider some things that I’ve been planning. On the second last day, Rev. Lian even told me in plain, clear words that I should give up whatever dreams that I’ve been harbouring. That I should be down-to-earth and follow closely in God’s words. Upon hearing this, I was very disappointed and crushed. Although Rev. Lian aid not to take his sayings to heart and to heed it as just an advice but I believe that God is speaking to me through him and it is something that I should listen to. It is not that I’m not willing to give up my dreams, it is just hard for me to accept it. I consider myself still young enough to take risks and chances and to give everything up and just settle down, is just so difficult.

Anyway, I intend to use the Good Friday weekend break to spend some time with myself and God in prayers. I want to use the time to collect all that I’ve learnt from this trip and to think through all that I have to do from now on. I had hoped to spend all day at home but as of now, I have so many other things to due with that it can’t go according to my plans. Well, we’ll see how.

I feel so renewed after coming back from this mission trip. I really, really wish that my friends and whoever is reading this will also find this salvation and happiness that I’ve found in God. I just hope that I myself will change enough to be a good living testimony. Of course, I won’t be able to be like Rev. Lian, but I will at least try my best to be a good servant of God.

Bored

Have not been updating my blog for so long. Various reasons for that.

1) I have writer’s block.

2) I’m losing interest in blogging.

3) My life has been so boring that I don’t want to always be writing and whining about my life and so on. Makes me seems such a loser and (again) boring!

Anyway, I’ve been reading a long lost friend’s blog recently and after reading it, feels like I’ve known so much about her that I didn’t realise before. Was very thankful for that and I thought since I’m a person of few words, blogging is the only thing that allows my friends to peek into my thoughts. So, here I am again.

I’m still stuck at my stressful job. Happy news is that I intend to hand in my resignation tomorrow. Very scary thing. Going to see my boss. Everyone in the office is scared to talk to him. I wonder if I really will summon up enough courage to go talk to him. Yes, I’m leaving without a back-up plan or new job to go to. I always do that. Very impulsive. So far, God has been good. At least I’ve not starved before. So this time, I’m doing the same thing. Seems to be pushing my luck but I really dread going to work everyday. This has been happening since the first day I started this job, so I think leaving is a right decision.

The recent CNY period has been very fulfilling and happy. Of course the foremost reason would be that I need not work for a whole week. That was the happiest part. Other reasons are that I went to Malaysia with my mum to visit my aunts, uncles and cousins. Very good to see them after so long. But seeing how big my cousins have grown makes me feel old. I have been playing and taking care of them since they were born and now some are in University already. They no longer feel as excited to see me now and even has their own friends and life. Oh well, that’s life, I guess.

I also went to Batam for 2 days of relaxation and spa. Best! Totally enjoyed it and the package was really good value for money! Initially was supposed to go alone, but WJ decided to join me. I was glad that she did, if not I think I will wallow in self-pity for most of the time I was there. Though we are both quiet type, the silence between us was comfortable and not awkward, thanks to more than 15 years of friendship. I totally recommend going to Batam if you have a budget and limited days of leave. 2 days 1 night is more than enough. Nothing much to do actually but relaxing in the room or just walking around is good too.

I would be going on a short mission trip in early March and for a long-planned holiday to Japan in early April. I know I’m going to be jobless soon. I do have some plans in mind but yet to carry out. Right now, I just want to freak out when I think about going to work tomorrow. I wish I can give an immediate resignation but I don’t want to be irresponsible. Anyway, see how things turn out. Will update about it. Hopefully.

Depressed

Have not been writing ever since the new year started. The usual reason. Nothing exciting to blog about. When there was actually something to write about, I would not have access or the chance to write down. So when the time has past, I would lose my passion to write.

I got a wireless usb modem from M1 so I can use internet at home. Good news? No! Everytime I go online, it’s like trying to win the lottery. The connection sucks! Anyway, at least I got to talk to Kara, Brigid and Anne online using Skype last night. Was able to see the girls and Conor too. That was my highlight of the month! Was really very happy to see them and connect with them, even though I had to stay up till 1.30am to talk to them and only got like 6 hours plus sleep because I have to get up early today for church. Kara is able to read and write on her own now and yesterday she typed "I miss you" to me! She did that on her own and I was so touched.

Anyway, why the headline ‘Depressed’? I’m also not sure. Just that maybe I’m a little ‘lost’, like what my friend puts it. I don’t know what I’m doing everyday, what I’m working for and what I’m hoping for. Everyday I go through the motions expected of me - wake up, go to work, talk to people, try to deal with clients, try my best in doing my work, come home, watch tv, sleep, next day do the same things again. I’m not passionate about my work at all. Just doing it for the money. If I change and get out of this job, I also don’t know what I would like to do. Just feel very empty. So much so that I have lost a lot of feelings for things. I’m not sure how to put it into words too. I’m just…depressed, and filled with dread at another work week ahead.

Happy New Year!!

Hi all! Have not been blogging for some time now. Other than due to the fact that I do not have internet at home, it’s also because my life has been quite boring. So ordinary that I do not have the words to put into words.

Anyway, since it’s the beginning of a new year, I thought I should, like everyone else, do a recap and think of what I would like to achieve in 2008.

2007 have been very interesting for me. I managed to get a job and then change to a new one. I guess my venture into the corporate world is slowly taking shape. However, since I managed to find bosses/companies which are deemed unusual, I’m not sure how long I would stay at each job. Actually I like the jobs I’m doing, especially the front line stuff. It’s the back-end crap that I detest.

In 2008, I hope to be able to, in no particular order:-

1) Lose weight! If not 10kg, at least 5kg? Not a far fetch idea, right?

2) Fall in love. I know this can’t be rushed but I can at least hope?

3) Travel. I did not go anywhere in 2007 except for Bangkok in Mar. I need to get my fix of foreign air! Suffocating!

4) Visit my host family, wherever they are. By end of 2008, I’ll have not seen them for 2 years. I miss my girls badly and I really hope to see them again before I turn into a distant memory(if I have not already turned into one). Children forget so easily…

5) I’m juggling a lot of commitments and posts in church. Hopefully I get to do my part in serving and work to the best of my abilities for God. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m doing it for God or for people. At least if I try, I can say I did my best.

Okay, I don’t want to stretch myself too far and pile myself with lots of wishes. Having said all that, those are not my resolutions. Don’t really believe in making resolutions as I never remember what I set out to do. Just hope to do some things that I think are important to me. That’s it for now. When I’ve thought of more things, I’ll blog them down.



Kid
January 2, 2008 at 5:46 am

right on the resolution part…i never seem to remember mine too….well, except for the constant reminder to lose weight! duh…thats like bloody difficult to achieve sia..not with me thinking of food every hour. looking forward to lunch, dinner, planning meals for the next day….kakakak i’m hopeless. not going to dash your hope but 10kg, is way too mission impossible unless ur going to be steadfast and real determined. 5kg well, achievable. nike slogan - you can do it. keep telling yourself and probably sooner than you know, aim achieved. easy for me to encourage pple but never easy for me to work that on myself. fat hope. duh…kinda destined. sigh….

love reading about pple doing up the past happenings and stuff they hope to accomplish for the new year but i never seem to be able to get one done myself. me terrible in that aspect….sigh if only someone can write it for me instead of me having these jumbled up memories in my mind plus whatever crap entries that i have blogged thus far.

nevertheless, main point of my comment is to wish you a Happy New Year, that everything will go smoothly for you and where obstacles arises, you can ride through it confidently