Expectations

I’m so sick of living up to people’s expectations. Being born and living in Singapore, we’re expected to follow the path that has been set out for us ever since we’re born. Primary school, secondary school, followed by poly or JC. Then university, find a good job, find someone to marry, have kids and spend the rest of your life balancing bills and teaching your kids to follow the same stated path all over.

Just because I want to do something that I like to do and that something is different from the original path, I’m seen as a failure and useless. Not that I have tried. I have tried to work like everyone else, get up in the morning, go to work, come back very tired but still fulfil family’s obligations, weekends spend with church events, come Monday, follow the same pattern again. I used to have a boyfriend also to deviate a little from the regime, and to have someone to hold and talk to. Those did not work out and were not God’s plans. I accept that. Why can’t everyone else accept it too?

MOE rejected me yet again. Everyone asks me to keep trying. I may or I may not. It’s just that everytime I get rejected, I feel like such a failure and it’s a crush to the ego and my own confidence. I’ve tried twice and I should think that’s enough! I may be saying this now, but I guess eventually when life and reality strikes, I may go back to trying again.

Now I try to avoid seeing my mum and talking to her. I will try to be nice or talk nicely to her and she will be saying sarcastic things about me not working and wasting my time and youth, etc. She just wants me to work so I will give her money. I’m not working now, so I stop giving her money for family expenses. Her lack of understanding for my feelings, ambitions and thinking irks me a lot. It’s always about money, money, money! And she keeps using the fact that I’m not working, so I should do this or that around the house, like I’m a maid. When I was working, I was expected to do the same things also! So why keep saying the not working part!? I hate that!

I just wish to hole up somewhere and wait for the world to forget about me.