Frustrating!!

Had a very bad day at work today. I don’t really want to go too deep into what’s happening because I know in some way, maybe I was in the wrong too. I just want to vent my frustrations here. I just feel I’m being taken for granted and being scolded for something that’s not my fault at all. I just can’t take in lying down.

If not for trying to be a good guy and make it easier for my boss, today would have been my last day at the company. It’s because I was trying to help him. In the end, it became like I don’t do proper work and get all the s**t work. I’m sorry to use this type of language but it’s really totally true! I’m just so fed up with having to deal with all these people. Especially don’t like hearing all bulls**t. If I hear another, ‘我很忙的!’ I’m going to go crazy. Like you’re the only one who’s busy.

Anyway, though I was feeling like crying after bottling up all these frustrations and being wronged, I did not do it in the end. Just thought it’s silly to have these people make me cry. I can go anytime since I’ve already quited. Don’t bully me anymore!!!!

Heart like still water

After going through several relationships which amount to nothing, I’ve still not learned my lessons. As age catch up with me, I tend to get a little nervous about still being single. Every guy I meet, I would ask myself whether he’s a possibility. And believe me when I say I fall very easy for a guy. Just be nice to me.While anxious, I’m also afraid of choosing the wrong guy again and wasting all those time dating and then finding out the he’s not ‘The One’. Other than wasting time, there’s the being hurt issue too. Really very hurting when a relationship ends.

So, to solve this problem, some years ago I’ve made a prayer to God. I told God that if the guy that I meet is not going to be ‘The One’ then please don’t make me fall in love with him or have any feelings for the person. I think God must have been listening to my prayer and answering it.

I have not felt anything special for any guy for a very long time. True, sometimes when it’s only a one-sided love, it’s torturous. But you can’t deny that it’s also a sweet feeling. When the guy talks or calls you, you feel so happy. When the guy goes out with you, you try your best to impress. You can say that my heart is like still water now. It does not feel anything much nowadays. Well, of course I still have love for God, love for friends and family and most of all, love for Kara and Brigid, which hurts me sometimes to think about them. But a love relationship between a man and a woman should be the strongest and I’ve not had that for a long time.

When I listen to the radio and they say think of the person that you like and want to tell him/her about it, I can’t think of any single special person. There’s just no target around me at the moment and I guess, I can safely say I’m nobody’s target too. This means that I’ve not been widening my social circle and don’t meet new people at all recently, other than my clients at work, which don’t count. Most of my guy friends around me are either married, have girlfriends or we have known each other for so long that a relationship is impossible. I think I need to do some thing about this. God can help but I need to have some actions too. Now, where should I start?

Mission trip

I wrote a similar post on Sunday night but when I tried to post it, my explorer hung on me. Guess what happens in the end? I had to end task and lost everything I wrote! Arghhh…..! I was too lazy to write again but I’m in the mood now, so I will try to recall what I wrote.

I went for a one week Mission Trip to Indonesia (Batam, Pekanbaru & Tanjong Pinang) last week with Rev. Phua and 8 other brothers and sisters from church. This was a very rewarding and self-fulfilling trip. I feel myself grow a lot spiritually and being closer to God.

The part that I especially liked was the sharing of Rev. Lian and his mission works in Indonesia. It is indeed very heartening and encouraging to hear of what miracles God will perform when you trust everything in Him and put everything into His hands. After hearing all this, I so much want to experience the same miracles that I’ve decided to also entrust myself fully into the Lord. I hope that this resolution and determination would not diminish as I fall back into the realities of life.

During this trip, I also felt very strongly God speaking to me through the two Reverends. Upon arriving in Batam, the very first sermon that Rev. Phua delivered already made me sit up and reconsider some things that I’ve been planning. On the second last day, Rev. Lian even told me in plain, clear words that I should give up whatever dreams that I’ve been harbouring. That I should be down-to-earth and follow closely in God’s words. Upon hearing this, I was very disappointed and crushed. Although Rev. Lian aid not to take his sayings to heart and to heed it as just an advice but I believe that God is speaking to me through him and it is something that I should listen to. It is not that I’m not willing to give up my dreams, it is just hard for me to accept it. I consider myself still young enough to take risks and chances and to give everything up and just settle down, is just so difficult.

Anyway, I intend to use the Good Friday weekend break to spend some time with myself and God in prayers. I want to use the time to collect all that I’ve learnt from this trip and to think through all that I have to do from now on. I had hoped to spend all day at home but as of now, I have so many other things to due with that it can’t go according to my plans. Well, we’ll see how.

I feel so renewed after coming back from this mission trip. I really, really wish that my friends and whoever is reading this will also find this salvation and happiness that I’ve found in God. I just hope that I myself will change enough to be a good living testimony. Of course, I won’t be able to be like Rev. Lian, but I will at least try my best to be a good servant of God.