Being a 'mum'

This week, I had a taste of really being a mum to the girls. Anne(my host mum) had to go to London for her work and I had to work extra hours to take care of the girls. Dan(my host dad) always leave the house at 6am to take the train to work. Most of the time, the girls would still be sleeping, so we instructed them to go to my room when they wake up and can’t find daddy/mummy. Brigid wakes up soooo early. It has been a constant 6.10am every morning. I feel sooo tired! Kara is also constant in waking up at 7am. Yesterday, Dan had a dinner engagement for his work, which means that I got to spend an entire day with the girls, from when they wake up to when I put them down to sleep. It’s not too bad actually, since they’re in school for most of the day. It’s a good thing they’re good girls, so it wasn’t much trouble for me. I have to say that I really enjoyed it. Haha! I guess I can be a good mum after all. Fixing them breakfast, lunch, dinner is nothing for me now. I gave them their bath, read books to them, and put them to bed. If there’s somebody to pay the bills, I can be a good stay-at-home mum! Now I appreciate the merits of having nice and good children. I guess it all depends on how you teach them. Although I complain that the girls are naughty, I know that they’re much well-behaved than most of other children, especially since they’re American children. You can’t really expect children to be angels all the time. Then there would be something wrong! The American culture is to teach them to be vocal and independent. Sometimes, these children can be sooo vocal to the point of being rude. I’m glad Dan and Anne are good parents in that they do not over-spoil the girls. They try not to discipline the girls when they’re with them since they don’t spend much time with them. It’s only when it’s really necessary then they will do that. Sometimes that can be bad, but I can understand the desire to just spend quality, happy times with the girls.

Hmm…actually everything that I do this week is really easy for me. I think I’m too used to the girls and the workings of this family. Sometimes I take comfort in the fact that I have the girls who love me, but in the end, they still don’t belong to me! They are still close to mummy and daddy. When they cry, they ask for mummy, so where do I stand? No matter how much they love me, they still have their parents. When would I have such unconditional love from my child(ren)? The joys of being a parent is so great! Of course, I’m not the one to pay the bills, so I won’t know the tough job of raising them..

A lot of the other au pairs have said that after being an au pair for a year here, they have made up their minds not to have any children of their own. Me, I’ve been with them for a year plus and my desire for children of my own have grown. In the beginning, I do feel that it’s tough to be the parents. You have to be ‘on call’ 24/7. This week, I have to do the same and I feel that it’s not as bad as I thought. You just have to make priorities and adjustments. When you give unconditionally and treat the children like your own, you will get back the same unconditional love back from them. That’s when you feel the satisfaction. I know that most of the other au pairs see taking care of the children as a job. They do love their children, but it’s still a job to them. For me, I really enjoy the process of just being with them. I do have bad days and is sometimes(or maybe a lot of times) impatient with them but I guess when you’re a mum, you get to have one of those days too.

Sigh…when will I have my own family??

Big surprise

Just when I thought things were getting settled and ready to prepare myself for the inevitable fact of going home, things just keep happening. On Sunday received some news that maybe the start of another adventure in my life. Right now I can’t be too specific yet as plans are not confirmed. When it’s confirmed, I’ll update this blog so people reading would know what I’m talking about. Why do I even write it down if I can’t be too specific?? Well, I just had to say something! It’s a big adventure and a happy thing in my life right now and I feel myself bursting from it! Just had to write down my feelings. I think most of the feedbacks I got from friends are that my blog seems very depressing and it seems that my life here in the States is very lonely and unhappy. So I thought I should write down something happy to make the mood and blog better.

I can’t believe that I’ll get the chance in my life to fulfill a lot of my dreams. God has really been graceful and kind to me, considering that I don’t even deserve it one tiny bit! Haha! Actually, other than finding someone to fall in love with, someone to love me, get married, have children and start a family, all my other dreams have been fulfilled. I guess maybe this is God’s way of saying, ‘You got what you want, now listen to me and start doing something that I want’. I wish things could be that easy. Humans are greedy by nature. When something good comes your way, you just want more or hope for more. Well, I guess if I can recognise this, there’s hope for me yet! Have to start counting my blessings. How many people get this many chances in life to do that!? Wow! I’m just so excited now. I just wish that things really would go smoothly and nothing would go wrong.

Right now, I realise that I have no life ambition at all. This can be a statement said from a person who’s so lazy that she doesn’t want to work at all!! Ha! Well, actually the greatest ambition of my whole life is to get married and have children. Hey, being a wife and mother is the toughest job in the whole world, so who says I’m lazy?? Anyway, I don’t want to go into that whole topic again. This blog is about my happy mood.

Hmm…I realise I don’t have much to write if I can’t disclose what’s causing this jubilant in me. Well, just have to wait! I should know by the end of March if I’m able to share this news!! Don’t worry. Positive or negative news, I’ll still write it down. Hope it’s positive so my blog will continue along the line of a happy one!

Skiing!!

Had a very tiring but fun weekend. I finally went skiing!! Have been wanting to do that since Nov/Dec when the winter began. Now, finally have a chance to do that. I left home here on Friday to take the train to Yongsiang and Yueping’s house in Beacon, NY. It was a tiring ride. From Fairfield, CT to Grand Central in NYC takes 1hr 15mins, then straight from Grand Central to Beacon, which takes another 1hr 30mins. By the time I reached their home, I was ready to turn in and get enough sleep for the next day of skiing.

Saturday - 4/3/06

We woke up at around 6am so we can get an early head start for the mountain. We decided to go to Hunter mountain, NY for the skiing. It took about an hour plus to drive up there. It was so cold when we got there. Good thing the 3 of us were prepared and wore layers, complete with hat and gloves. The buying of tickets and wearing the ski boots and renting process took some time. By the time we were ready to go out on the mountain, it’s already 9.30am. The ski boots are so heavy!! After I put it on, I went to the restroom and by the time I come back from that, I’m already exhausted! Can’t imagine how the ski teams or pro can do this everyday. No wonder they’re so strong! Anyway, the good thing about Hunter mountain is that they offer free skiing lessons to first-timers. Yueping and I went for it, while Yongsiang wanted to try out by himself what he learnt the last time he went. The instructor was very good. He made sure we got the hang of the technique before he brought us up to the slope to try out the real skiing. It was very good to be able to ski all by myself. Of course, I did fall down countless times.

When I got confident and satisfied of my progress at the lower and gentler slope, I decided to try out a higher and steeper one. From the bottom, the slope didn’t look that bad, but when we got to the top, it looked real scary and steep. And as expected, it was! I wasn’t able to control my skis and I just went down so fast! That’s when I always panic and I will try to make myself fall down to stop myself. It’s pretty hard to get up when you have your skis on a steep slope. Imagine that your legs are so long and you can’t bend it as usual and as you please and because they’re slippery, when you try to stand up, all you can do is to slide down the hill. Pretty helpless and scary sometimes. Of course, it takes some skills and help, but most people on the lower hills are amateurs and they really can’t help you much. And falling down from such a fast speed is pretty bad for the lags and kness and everything. Have to be careful of where you fall down too.

I did come back with bruises and aches and soreness all over. At one point, I was even afraid that I might break my knee or even hurt it, but I’m glad that now it turned out okay. I did hit my right eye and cheek on the ski pole when I first fell down. Was so afraid that I would get a blue-black on it. Good thing there’s nothing showing but it still hurts when I touch it.

Overall, the trip was very fun but tiring. On Sunday, Yueping had a big blue-black on her knee from when she fell down. I didn’t have any bruises that can be seen, but whenever I walk up or down the stairs, I have to do it slowly as all the muscle aches would act up. I actually would not mind going again, but it’s just too far and expensive to take the trains and I don’t have any free weekends in March anymore. Winter is coming to an end soon too, so I don’t think there’s any chance of going again.

Sunday - 5/3/06

Went down to NYC from Yongsiang and Yueping’s place for the musical, Hairspray. It was a cluster meeting with the other au pairs. The show was at 1.30pm and I reached there at 12.15pm. Decided to get some lunch. Went to the KFC restaurant near GCT as I had a craving for fried chicken(not good for my diet!). The dining area is down in the basement and when I went down, I was all alone there. Then, another middle age guy came down to eat. He was by himself too. We sat on separate tables, but facing each other. It was a little awkward and we just kept smiling at each other. I was thinking of asking him to join me but I don’t really want to sit with a guy when I’m eating fried chicken with my hands! That’s not how I want to impress a guy, so I didn’t. When he left, he said bye to me and wished me a good day. After that, I had to walk from 42nd and 5th Ave to 52nd and Broadway, where the theater is. On the way, a hot dog seller smiled at me, so I smiled back. He started to ask me where I’m from and where I live. I told him from S’pore and live in CT. He asked me for my number! I can’t believe it! I think it’s not that I looked pretty or cute, I know that I’m not. I think he’s just teasing me or just horny. Anyway, I told him I’m living with somebody, so it’s not convenient to give away their home number. He asked if he would see me again, I told him maybe and went on my way.

The musical was okay. Was so tired during the show, I just want to sleep! Also, my whole body is in pain that I can’t sit still for so long. Just kept wishing that the show would finish up soon. Didn’t know that the storyline would be about standing up against segregation and set in the 60s. Why did they call it Hairspray? Other than some parts of the show that refers to hairspray, I don’t really see any connections between the title and the story. I think the message is to stand up for what you believe. That by itself is a good message, so why did they call it hairspray, which is such a wacky title and totally off-line with what the show is trying to get across.

After the show, met up with Sylvia in Chinatown for dinner. She could see straight away that I’m tired and pale. Didn’t know that it shows on me. We went to a Shanghai restaurant together with 2 of her friends. Had Shanghai ‘xiao long bao’. It was good and tasty. Also had pork moo shu. Didn’t know what that was until I saw it and tried it. Not bad. I liked the dessert best. It was ’shu bing’ with red bean paste. Very crusty, crispy and sweet. Yummy! But I didn’t really had a lot to eat, so was not very full actually. I think I was more tired than hungry. I still like S’pore/M’sian food. Next time maybe will try the ‘mee siam’ at Jaya restaurant. Have been wanting to eat that. I guess I may have been spoiled by my mum’s ‘mee siam’. Nothing can compare to what she cooked!

Knowledge

I just came back from church. Since I’m normally quite free on weekday nights, I decided to enrol myself in a course that the church offered during this Lenten period, ‘History of Christianity’. Tonight is the first lesson and oh boy, was it an eye opener! They start with the period before Christ, from Caesar’s period to St. Augustine. Most of the time, when watching the video, I was like, " What happened during that time?", "What exactly did Alexander the great accomplish?". I realised tonight that my knowledge is not really that great. Of course most of us had heard of all these people at some point in our lives, but I think not everyone knows the details of what they did or how important they are in the making of history.

What’s more surprising is that the people who attended the course, the senior people(mostly grandparents), they know a lot about the bible and the history behind it. I was very, very shocked by that! We are used to saying that the Americans don’t know much about the things that happened outside their country, but obviously, this is a wrong concept. I guess it’s Asia that they’re not familiar with, but the middle ages and Europe, they do know something about them. I have to admit that I’ve always thought of myself as smart and knowledgeable, but I think from tonight on, I have to read more to ‘upgrade’ myself. While I’m sitting there listening to the discussion going on, these senior people will contribute or ask questions that I don’t even understand, much less begin to form those questions. I really have a renewed sense of respect for these people. One of them said I still have many more years to read and brush up on my knowledge of the bible. I guess that’s true, but only if I read it! What a jock for me to really study and read the bible often.

I hope that this course will help me to understand more of how Christianity evolved to what it is today and also I will know more about the history of the country in started in - Jerusalem. A lot of times, Rome was at the center of the course because of the many great rulers that came from there. I read from Dan Brown’s books that the Catholic powers started from there too. I guess Rome is the center of the Catholic faith. The Vatican is there and the Pope lives there. But I still don’t understand what’s the difference between Catholicism and Christianity. A question came up today regarding this but because going into that will take up too much time, the pastor didn’t not to delve into that. I really would like to hear what he has to say about that. See how it differs from Pastor Phua, my pastor in S’pore.

All these goes back to the same thing, pray often and read the bible!!!