Sunday, 30 August 2015

I don't think anyone understands...

I hope you never understand what it's like to forget what happiness feels like. 

I hope you never feel like there's no way out of your sadness. 

I hope you never get overcome by numbness. 

I hope you never experience that feeling of pure emptiness. 

I hope you never feel like there is nothing good, or bad, coming around the corner. 

I hope you never feel like you can't imagine there being a future for you. 

I hope you never have to force yourself to appear normal and happy when all you really want is to run and hide and never come out. 

I hope you never understand what it feels like to have to worry that everyone in the world is against you. 

I really hope you never understand what it means to feel completely alone while you're surrounded by people. 

I really, really hope you never understand what it means to want to end it all. 

Because that's what I feel all the time and it's terrible. 

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Just leave me alone

I had a look back on my past postings. It has been a long time ago since I was happy. Really happy. I think it's been about 2 years ago. When all was well and all was good. Recently, I realise that I forget how to be happy. I even forget how to be the person that I was. The person that was full of ideas and has believes. 

I used to believe that as long as I'm nice, as long as I treat others well, others will feel it. Now, I don't believe that anymore. Since young, I've been holding on to this belief. I try to be nice. Well, I do have selfish and immature thoughts. But I do try to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good employee, a good friend and a good person. At least I try my best. At what point do people think that it's good enough? No matter how much I try, I always fall short. I fall short of being the ideal daughter, the ideal sister, the ideal employee, the ideal friend, the ideal person. Is this the reason why I'm alone? Because I'm not good enough?  

In the show Grey's Anatomy, the main characters are each other's Person. I think I just want to be somebody's Person.

I gave my best. I opened myself up. Nobody knows as much about me. I do everything with my best to the point that all I live and breathe is this. In the end, I end up with nothing. I try again. I don't give up. But I still get tossed away. I'm still unable to break through. It's not that I'm looking for reciprocates. I guess, I just want someone to care, to really care for me and treat me as I treat the person. I'm unable to handle whatever relationships I have with people now. In fact, I don't really want to. I find myself pulling back. Being nice is not right. Giving my all is not right. Being loyal is not right too. What do I lack that others have? Why am I not good enough?  I really don't know how to behave myself in this thing called Society. 

Sunday, 15 February 2015


Given the fact that I have a religion, I try to stay positive. Given the fact that I'm supposed to have hope, I try to keep hoping. Given that I have to keep the faith, I try to remain praying. Given that I have so any other reasons to believe, I try to. Eventually, when night comes and it's time to fall silent and close my eyes, I still find myself going back to the time when. When everything seems so simple, when things seems to be much happier, when life seems to be going well. 

I have not regretted anything and any decisions I made in my life, even those foolish ones, as I'm a firm believer of everything happens for a reason and one thing leads to another. If I didn't make a decision at this point in time, the things that happen after would not happen and thus, I'm not a person who holds regret. However, I constantly find myself regretting the initial decision to jump out of the norm and embark on this journey. I was so innocent and relish simple joys easily then. I do wish I can still be that person. 

Now, I find no real, deep joy in anything. Most of the time, true, I allow myself to be in that state. My previous post writes that people find it much easier to remain in a negative state than to think positively. I do admit that I do that. But how do you find happiness again when you've held on to it and it escaped? How do you let go of something that you want so much, yearn so much for and then to simply just start over again? How do you start over when you keep thinking what went wrong? I'm too tired.

People say, 'Move on!'

 I do not know how. How do you do that when your heart is in pieces? How do you do that when you feel yourself bleeding inside? How do you do that when you still feel enough to cry like it's the first time? The only way to do that is not to feel for others. Not to let yourself get close to others. To protect yourself and distance from all things. To cocoon yourself from the outside world. To put on a front. To tell yourself not to hold on to dreams. That is the only way I know how.

It's a hard way to live. But that's my only prayer - Take me soon.