Last few hours

I’m going to fly to London in a few more hours. Can’t help myself. Have to blog. Don’t really know what I’m feeling. I guess it’s not so bad since I’m leaving from my friends’ place. Not from the Fairfield house. So I don’t have the ‘yi yi bu she’ feeling. I called the few friends I have here in the States yesterday. Other than Bere, whom I’m going to see in 2 months, I don’t know if I will ever see the rest of the good friends that I’ve known so well. Going to miss them. I’ve learnt from past experiences that promises of keeping in touch, especially through emails, is not guaranteed. Nothing is guaranteed, I guess.

I realised, as I lie in bed last night, that I’ve not left this country(USA) at all ever since I came here on 27 Sept 2004. True, I went to Canada, but that is like the backyard of USA, so it doesn’t really count. It’s really a little scary to be leaving now. I know I won’t be coming back here for a long time, if at all.

As I prepare myself for leaving and packing my luggage, I’m still having the surreal feeling that it’s not happening. Probably will feel more when I reach the airport or when I get on the plane. But then again, I’ve flown so many times these 2 years that it may also numb me.

It’s going to be a long night. The flight is scheduled for 9.25pm. The flight to London takes about 6.5 hrs. Which means when I reach London, it’ll be 4am but London time will be about 9am! Don’t think I will go to bed when I reach the house. Will be happy to see the girls and my host parents. The unpacking will keep me busy too. I’m guessing the sadness, excitement and anxiety of leaving here and going to London will keep me awake during the flight. So, it’s going to be a very tiring night/day for me.

Well, this time tomorrow I’ll be in another continent, another time zone, another house, another country. Really hope London will be a good place for me! I’m looking forward to more adventures(good ones) and I hope my money would not run out!

Take care everyone! See you soon! I’m off to London!

Last days in USA

Today is Sunday. I’m leaving on Wednesday. Wanted to blog this on the last day in USA but I’m not sure I will have the time or chance to use the internet, so might as well do it now when I have the time.

Everyone has been asking if I’m happy or excited to be going to London. Frankly speaking, I’d rather not go to London at all, if I can choose. I don’t like so much changes in the last few months or last month with my host family. I’ve not seen them and the girls for 2 weeks now. Kinda miss them. But at the same time, not as much as when I left for vacation the first time. Maybe it’s not that hard to leave them after all. Also, I’ve been to London twice so far. Not much excitement there as I’ve seen all that I need to see. Of course can go visit other places, but there’s not really a need to.

I envisioned spending my last days in USA soaking in all the sights of Fairfield, revisiting the places with lots of memories, having hugs with the neighbours and friends and lastly, having a tearful farewell with my host family. Not the hurried goodbyes said to the neighbours and not even being able to give proper hugs and kisses and goodbyes to the girls. I didn’t have the chance to look over the house properly and say my goodbye too. I don’t know which is harder - leaving a house fully furnished with all the memories or leaving an empty house devoid of all the furniture and trying to imagine the memories I’ve created there.

Since my host family is already not in the States anymore, I don’t feel that bad to leave this country. I do miss the house back in Fairfield, CT though. Now, the new family has moved in. I keep wondering how they did up the place and what changes they made to it. When I sleep at night at my friends’ place, I sometimes think that I’m back in my room in Fairfield. I really, really miss it. My home for almost 2 years. It has been really a very good 2 years and I was really enjoying the comforts that the home offered. I keep having the urge to go see the house but it’s a good one and a half hours drive there and I no longer have my own car. Can’t ask my friends to drive me there just to fulfil my sentimental wishes.

Anyway, I went to NYC on Friday. It was my last time in the city. Everywhere I went, I remind myself of that and tried to remember everything that I know so well. I can move around NYC with ease and take buses or subways to go to where I want with no problem. Especially at Times Square. That was the first sight I saw in NYC and I guess it’s fitting that it was the last one too. I don’t think I will come to NYC/Times Square/USA after I go back to S’pore. Don’t really like going to the same place twice. The world is such a big place. Just to go to each place once in a life time would be impossible. Why waste time going to the same place twice?

The uncertainty of how the house in London is going to be is also another factor of me reluctant to move. It’s like coming to the States 2 years ago, except that I now know how the family is going to be like. But I can feel that my host family is maybe a little different now. I think my host parents are teaching the girls to be a little engaged from me so that it will not be too hard for them when the time comes for me to go. It’s right to do that too, but I just feel so sad. I’ve always think of them as my own and love them more than myself. Now, to tell myself to distance from them just seems very cruel to me. I wish to do it so it won’t be so hard to leave them when the time comes but it’s hard to let go.

Well, I’m flying to London on Wed(26 July). I hope London has just as good memories for me as Fairfield. Don’t really know what the future brings. I can only keep praying for guidance. A lot of unexpected things came up during these last few weeks that I didn’t plan for. I’m sure there’ll be more to come. Just hope it would not be too drastic or too much for me to handle. So far, things have been working out well.
Will not be having internet connection when I get to London. As soon as I have the time and connection, I will update more about my life there. But with all those travelling and settling down, I doubt it. Will try my best.



Sylvia
July 24, 2006 at 4:49 pm

=)

*hugs

we welcome you home soon, girl..

After Alaska trip feelings

This is an entry that I’ve written on paper when I was eating alone at Chili’s Too restaurant at Alaska International Airport immediately after the tour was over. Sounds sad and desperate. Have been debating on whether to blog it online since it’s very, very personal. Decided to do it but NOT after this disclaimer.

This entry reflects my feelings at that time, but I’m okay now. Does not mean
I’m unhappy all the time.

"Friends come and go. Here I have made a few more new friends in a week. 7 days, to be exact. But at the end of the crossroad, no one really feels that sad about leaving. About leaving me. I did not leave any impressions. Not in the way I want it anyway. I did not forge any long-lasting friendships. Who would contact me personally? No one. NO ONE!! I like to be alone sometimes. But I really enjoy being in the company of good people too. Why wouldn’t people give me the chance?

I’m too quiet. Too quiet for people to be comfortable around me. All I want is just friendships to last a lifetime. Why is it so hard? I guess to be able to find really good friends that understand you and all your ideas is very hard. To be able to find friends who are comfortable with my silence is harder.

I’m feeling sad. Sad by the fact that in time to come, Sean who not even remember who I am. Maybe I left an impression. The wrong impression. The impression that I’m weak and quiet. I don’t even know the right topics to talk to him about! And with just that, I said ‘bye’ to everyone. Not even a ‘bye’ to Sean. How sad it is!

A week in Alaska just leaves me with a bunch of pictures and some memories. In years to come, when the memories fades, maybe I won’t even remember these people too. But it’s just so sad to forge friendships, eat together, sleep together, play together and then pretend that nothing special had happened in your life. Why do I have to be so sentimental? Nobody really cares much for me. Why do I care so much? Why do I even bother to be sad? All this is just part and parcel of life. So what if no one bothered to keep in touch? I would not be better or worse off than I am now.

I’m but a passerby in this place, time and country. Nothing is going to change by my being here or by my leaving. What do I matter?

I’m lonely. I’m lonely. I’m so lonely that I enjoy just having a good meal by myself. Actually I don’t enjoy it. I just want to pretend that I do. Deceiving myself? Yes! But that’s what lonely people do, don’t they?

I want someone to eat with me, someone to talk to me, someone to fly with me, someone to travel with me, someone to be with me. The more I travel, the lonelier I feel. What’s all these for when I can’t share it with anyone? I should be happy, but deep down, I’m not. I would gladly exchange everything now just to have a stable life. And someone to share laughters with, someone to share good food with, someone to share my thoughts with, someone to run to cry to, someone who just enjoys being with me, even without any spoken words. When will that come? When will I learn to be content?

Being away is a form of escape. escape from feeling, escape from reality, escape from the fact of how lonely I am. Friends can only be there for you for so much. Not 24/7, not always thinking of you, not all the time. If I’m destined to be lonely alone, I hope I can always find the means to escape."

Comments are not allowed. It was how I felt during the time when I just left the group and waiting for my plane. Any comments now would not console or do anything for when I felt that time. Also, since it’s so personal, I would prefer no mention about it when you talk to me. It’s just some random thoughts in my head. Would blog about my Alaska trip later!