Stupid...

I don’t know if I’m the one or systems/people in the states are stupid. I guess I’m partly to blame too, for not being consistent and for being forgetful.

Yesterday was supposed to be my driving test here in Connecticut. My host parents and the US Driving Department requires that au pairs who stay for 2nd year get a state driving license. After 2-3 months wait, the day is finally here. I couldn’t sleep well the night before because I kept thinking about the test and what could have happened. I guess I developed a phobia of driving tests after I tried to get it in S’pore(it took me 4 times before I passed my driving test in S’pore 6 years ago). Well, I was so nervous the whole of the morning yesterday. My test was at 2pm. I had to cut short Brigid’s nap(Kara is in school). When it was finally my turn to go through the documents checking and all that, they said that my names in the documents do not match each other! Well, in USA, almost everyone has a first, middle and last name. I knew about this before I came, but I didn’t know that I’ll be faced with this problem when I come! I was very confused when I first came and when I had to fill in forms, I couldn’t remember what to put as my first or middle name. My last name is my surname, so that’s easy. Now, when I finally got everything figured, they had to tell me that my documents(passport, visa, social security card, DS2019) were of different names! What??!! Whether it says Tay Ling Ling Winnie or Winnie Ling Ling Tay apparently means a big difference to those people at the DMV. Anyway, they wouldn’t allow me to take the test. They said,’Go get it sorted out with immigration and then come back’. What the..??!! I mean, come on! I’m able to travel in and out of the USA, able to get my bank account and able to do everything else except take a driving test??

My host mum accompanied me to the test and she was able to ask the people there what to do in order to get the documents sorted. Now, she’s talking to people to help me get new documents with the ‘correct’ names. I feel so bad that I had to make my parents worried and busier because of my stupidity. They didn’t say anything, but I feel so bad. However, I still feel so indignant! I can get around all my life with my name in S’pore in anyway I write and now, I’m being penalised for having a legal Christian name here in USA. They may be the most powerful country in the world but they’re definitely not the most efficient in a lot of ways.

I feel much better today, but I was very angry with the people at the DMV yesterday and with myself. When I was trying to reason with the guy at the DMV, he just kept asking, "What’s your first name? Just tell me what’s your first name?" I told him, I do not have a first name. If you mean first name by the one that’s used most often, then, it’s Winnie! What a dork! I just wanted to scream at him, ‘I have a Chinese name and a Christian name. I DO NOT HAVE A FIRST AND MIDDLE NAME!!!’

Anyway, my driving test got rescheduled to Jan next year. Got to go through all that anxiety and nervousness all over again. All these trouble when I’m going home next Oct. So stupid. This is why I would NEVER stay here forever. If there’s a guy who’s able to make me want to stay here for good, he must be a really great guy. Haha!



Sylvia
November 17, 2005 at 3:12 pm

poor poor girl..
guess different people have different ways of reading things and recognising them.
one track minds, i suppose!
Hang in there. To make you feel better, i haven’t got my license yet. boo hoo…

Right or worng?

I’m beginning my 2nd year here with my host family in USA. Don’t really know if I’ve made the right decision to stay on. Sometimes when I meet with any problems, my only solution is to bail out. Life can’t be happy all the time, I guess. Whenever I work at a company for too long, the mistakes that I’ve made will start to appear and I can only think of getting out of the job quickly. Maybe that’s why I don’t stay at a job for long. This is happening now with my job as an au pair here. Sometimes I just feel like I’m too familiar with the family and that I may be taking things for granted just a bit.

Well, overall, I think I should thank the Lord for my ‘good life’ here. I always hear complains from the other au pairs about their host family and frankly, most of my problems are due to myself and not my host family. I really have no complains towards them. What more can a girl who’s all alone and in a foreign land ask for, right?

Recently I’m starting to feel bored and restless here. I get news from back home in S’pore that someone is getting married or someone is giving birth or going to give birth(again!). Makes me think. The au pair girls here are only concerned with going to parties, clubbing, drinking or dancing. Of course, they’re only 20-24 years old and mostly from European countries. I’m way much older than them, from an Asian country and I think differently(if not conservatively). Why am I wasting my time here? True that I’ve experienced something that is truly unique and special, but where does it all leads me? I’m not regretting my decision, mind you. I NEVER regret the decisions I made. Just that it’s kind of challenging my faith in God. I pray everyday for strength to believe that God has His plans for me and that I just have to trust in Him. It’s hard to do that when you’re alone.

Friends back home have stopped or slowed down their efforts to keep in contact with me. I always have to make the 1st move. It’s getting tiring. But after all, isn’t that the way to keep friendships alive? Somebody always has to make the 1st move or to keep moving. Just don’t know why the somebody has to be me. It takes 2 to clap and I’m running out of things to say other than ‘Hi, how are you getting on..etc, etc’. Life is sooooo hard sometimes and I’m getting more lonely and depressed….




Kid
October 25, 2005 at 6:23 pm

Hey, you are not alone on this. I have lost contact with many friends too and its really up to me to take the initiative to rekindle the past, close friendship. we really cant blame anyone coz each of us develop our own social circle. and unless, we consistently meet up or update each other, if not, maintaining the friendship will really be plain superficial. very shallow! I see everyone climbing up high on the career ladder and then i think, what the hell am i still doing?? so stagnant? then i console myself that my time to peak has yet to come..somehow, sometime, i will reap. just that right now, its an aimless life..living each day as it comes and just plain surviving.

My thoughts

Recently have started dreaming strange dreams. Not that they’re unpleasant or what. I’m just starting to feel sometimes that maybe I have deep feelings for certain things that I keep very deep within me. Even I don’t really recognise or know that these feelings exists.

The other day, I dreamt of my council friends in JC. Can’t really remember what we were doing, but I know that we were fooling around and having fun, just like what we did in reality during council life in JC. When I woke up, I started to miss JC council days a lot and the friends that I saw in my dream - Huimin(Aw), Imelda, Beng, Jason, Yanjuan, Candy, etc. Don’t ask me why particularly these people. Just happened to be them, but the others are at the background, I know. I guess as one grows up, memories are what keeps you looking forward to your life. To create more memories in order to live on. A lot of people say, what happened in the past are in the past, move on! I’m a very sentimental person. It’s harder for me to let go.

As I sat in the play park the other day watching the girls play, I kinda let my mind wonder. It was a beautiful summer day(although the sun gets a little too hot). The girls are content to play by themselves. I realised that as I look back upon all my past relationships, I don’t really feel much sadness by them anymore. I think I’m starting to close up my heart. Having been through some relationships and a few serious ones, with no good endings, I realise that maybe I may not be able to find THE ONE for me. I know, I know, I’m too young to say that. After all, I’m just 26! Well, I still believe in love, very much, just not love for myself. God doesn’t promise that each one of us will find a partner, so maybe I may not have one. When I first came here to the states, I was very anxious and looking forward to going home. There was one guy I thought I could bring the relationship to another level. Coming here changed everything. As time goes by, I guess the distance between us grew to be a problem and he stopped calling and emailing, etc. I was very sad at first but now, I realised that I do still think of him from time to time, but it no longer causes me any sadness or heartache. I no longer am so optimistic about relationships. If God wills it, it’ll happen.

Sylvia

September 28, 2005 at 10:05 pm

Dear Winnie, life really is quite complicated when we deem it to be. Seems like we are going through the same sentiments..

http://www.livejournal.com/users/prettypinkdaisy/

keep in touch

sylvia