Thursday 30 August 2007

Miserable

Have not been updating these 2 weeks. That’s because I do not have a chance to use the computer at work for personal matters. My boss managed to get a new person to take over my work. This new person, she’s very good. Nice person, older than me, able to get things done. My boss is very happy with her. I’m being kept on here to work as my boss gave me till my notice period is over, which is about 2 weeks later. However, I’m not really needed here anymore.

I’m miserable because my boss is such a person who does not know how to treat people nicely. Even though the new person is here, I’m here too. Yes, I have to try to hand things over to the new person. But you don’t have to keep finding fault in me to emphasise the goodness of the new person. Everyday I tell myself how relieved I am and how I made the right decision to leave. There’s nothing to stay for here. I feel like just because I’m leaving, she can say whatever she wants, so she kept picking on me. So miserable everyday. When I think of coming to work now, I feel so sad. In the first place, why do I want to stay for so long? Why do I not have my last day tomorrow? Because of the money! I need the money. If I work for another 2 more weeks, I get another 2 more week’s money. So, I can carry out my plans, if I do want to. Even if I don’t carry out my plan, I still have not found a new job yet, so this money will help tide me over my unemployed period.

I’m soooo miserable! Help!!!!

Friday 17 August 2007

Choices

to make. That’s what I have to do. Like I said after my last post, I’ve finally tendered in my resignation. No drama, just gave the letter and it was accepted. No talks, no requests to stay. Some of my friends have been asking why this sudden decision to quit. Well, just feel that it’s the right time. If I don’t do it now, I won’t be able to leave for another 2-3 months, when my boss gave birth. Better to do it now when she’s ok and can look for someone to take over me.

An amazing thing happened right after I tendered. Well, I tendered on a Friday and on the next Monday that came, I was offered jobs! Really, I got calls from headhunter companies, and even by emails offering me jobs. Well, not the final offer but something to tell me that at least I’m able to have a job even if I quit. This is truly amazing as I’ve been looking for jobs for a couple of months now and have not had any success so far, but the moment I tendered, it’s as if those people knew about it and came looking for me! Truly God is looking out for me! So far, I’ve been offered - 2 nanny jobs, one in Singapore, one in UK(which I’m very tempted to take up), one PA position, one HR position and another Operations Assistant position(which I just went for interview this morning). See, I’m in hot demand! Haha!

Well, the UK nanny position is one that I’m really, really sorely tempted to take. It offers me good money and good working conditions. The duties are almost like what I did in USA. However, since there’s no agency to be the watchdog this time, I’m not making my decision so fast. Have to be careful. I saw and heard too many horror stories while in USA and this, even with an agency, what’s more I now don’t have one. What’s also keeping me from accepting this nanny position is that I somehow feel that by taking care of other children, I’m somehow betraying Kara and Brigid (not that they would know or care). Well, before, all my love was for Kara and Brigid. I don’t know if I’m capable of transferring my love and affections to other children. If I cannot, it’s very unfair to the children that I’ll be taking care of. If I can, it’s very sad for me as I don’t want to lose the strong feeling of love I had for Kara and Brigid and the Lynchs. I don’t know if anyone will understand this feeling. Can’t really express it.

The other position that I’m interested in is the one that I went interview for this morning. There’s room for me to go further, there’s new things to learn and it offers stability. Of course, that can also translate to boring and routine work. Depends on what I want. Anyway, I still have to wait for their news. I’m not the only one they’re talking to.

On another note, last night, while I was going home from work, I suddenly realised something, much to my horror. It’s that I seem to be missing Kara and Brigid less! Yes, they’re still my darlings and very dear to my heart but I suddenly realise that I don’t yearn and miss them as much as I was before. This is really horrific to me because I don’t want to lose that feeling of loving them so much so that my heart ache. I did enjoy loving them and missing them. Talk about self-torture. Well, I guess the point is that if I can lose this love for them gradually, what’s to say for Kara and Brigid who’re still so young and easily forgets? I’m sure by now, their impression and love they had for me is already lost. Sure, they do remember me and that I used to take care of them and maybe some of the things we did in USA, but I think they won’t have that feeling of loving and affection for me anymore.

Right now, with my resignation, there’s a lot of decisions to make and eventually, the choices I decide will affect the rest of my life. Seems serious but it’s true. I still have not decided about the big plan I had. With me getting older, I’m turning to be less adventurous. I can’t play, play now as I have to think about the next step and even the next few years my life. Argh!! What should I do? I’ll leave it to the good Lord. Seems that I have a pretty good idea, just waiting for another sign. Let you know soon.

Wednesday 8 August 2007

Back to square one

Have not been updating for a couple of weeks. Not that I don’t have anything to blog about. Just trying to collect more so I can blog more as I go along. Which is better? A longer post or one short one everyday? Anyway don’t think can blog everyday. My life is NOT that interesting.

Ok, just to update. I’ve already moved out from my boss’s place. Back to my own house in AMK. Good also to have this stability, but I’m very frustrated also when I go home. No more air-con! So hot at home. The weather is still something that I’m trying to deal with ever since I got back to Singapore. Another thing is I think my house is too dirty and dusty. Have been having itchy and irritating eyes ever since I moved back. Resulted in me having swollen eyes every morning. People seems to think I cry every night.

Anyway, I went to carry out
my plans yesterday. Had wanted to try it out and see where it’ll lead me. Realised that it’s not as easy as I’ve thought and this led me to pause and take a step back to rethink about my decision. This is quite a big step to take and there’s a lot of factors involved. I’m not sure that it will work out as well as I’ve thought it would. If I go ahead with it just because I’m stubborn, I’m not sure that I would survive. Oh, gosh!

On a side note. I’m going to be tendering today. Must do it today. Can’t take it anymore. Even if my plans do not go through, I can still take other paths. Staying here is definitely out of the question. Some misunderstanding occurred last week to firm up my decision. Her coming back this week made me can’t stand it anymore. I’m going. However, I still have to give a month and a half notice, so it’s not like I can leave straight away. Never mind. I need the money. It’s for money’s sake that I lasted so long. Money is a large part of the reason why my plans may not go through. Well, just keep praying for me, ok?