Thursday 23 February 2006

Problems

Life is full of problems. Every time I thank God for letting me find Him and be saved. If not for God’s words and grace in my life, I think I would have turned out to be a very bad person. I do admit that by nature, I’m a meek and obedient person. However, I’m human after all. I do have evil and bad thoughts sometimes. At these times, I would think of God’s wrath on me and what He doesn’t want me to do or want me to do. I’m just so scared of falling away from God’s ways and grace.

There’s so many problems in my life now, I don’t even know how to deal with it. Being a private person, I keep them to myself and try to solve it myself or with the persons involved. I don’t know why I’m such a quiet person that I don’t even tell those close to me my most inner thoughts and problems. If I’m more vocal, I would have lesser worries and thoughts. But I’m just so embarrassed and feel shameful of some of my problems. I guess this is because I’m not brought up in a family that talks a lot. Now, even when there’re problems within, the communication problem is the most important thing lacking.


What do I do? What can I do? I always turn to the most extreme form of solution but that’s always the worst thing to do. At this time, I have to remind myself of God’s ways and really try to do things that He favours and not what I think is right. Well, I know it’s not right also, but it’s the easiest way. Money is the root of all evil. This is a very true sentence. A person can turn from good to evil because of it. It can also cause a person to turn away from feelings, relationships and all the love one has for his family and friends. Even when one has enough to get by, one always thinks of ways to get more. This is greed that is working within us. I try not to become too mercenary so I don’t really care about what I earn from my job. I try to find something that I enjoy doing. But reality always has to pull me back and remind me that I’m not living for myself. There’s so many other responsibilities in our life that it’s really very stressful sometimes. I guess by coming here to the states, I’m sort of escaping a lot of problems back in S’pore. A lot of people cannot understand why I chose this path in my life, but I know the real reason. It is something that I would not admit to anyone because by saying it, I shows how selfish I am. But am I wrong to want have a life of my own? How much should I have to bear before others say that it’s enough? Do I have to bear it for the rest of my life? Do I really have to always think of others before myself? That’s how God does it, but I’m not God! I don’t have to powers to make things right or to make myself super rich!! Money, money, money! That’s all they think about!!! How about me?! How about love?! This would be a much better world if everyone has more love for each other and to give away.


Laixing
February 24, 2006 at 7:09 pm

heya.. yeah i very much agree with you that money is the cause over a lot of bad things.. .pple always want this and that… clamour for the glamourous.. .and never thought about meaning in their lives.. .be strong! And do speak out sometimes… but not all the time :p

Tuesday 21 February 2006

The joy of being with friends

I had a very busy weekend. Was soooo tired. But actually I feel good about it. Had been a long time since I had such good times and able to spend quality time with good friends and really, really enjoy myself. Today I’m able to spend the whole day at home alone. My host family is coming back tomorrow. After the excitement and my friends with me, I feel so lonely today. Makes me miss Kara and Brigid so much. This is the preview of what it’s going to be like when I do finally go home to S’pore. I used to think that since I’m a quiet person, I can enjoy being by myself and be alone. But since I got here, I know that I can never be a hermit and live all alone. I realised that I’m a social animal. I need to be with friends, not just people, but friends, good friends. I think if I can work on having and keeping my friends, even if I don’t get a life partner, I can still get by fine. Let me recount my last few days:

Saturday - 18/2/06

Went to NYC early in the morning. Met up with my friends from church in S’pore, Yongsiang and Yueping, who came to work in the USA. I brought them around Times Square, Rockefeller Center, United Nations Building, The American Museum of Natural History and Chinatown. Wow, I have not walked so much since Disneyworld in August last year. It was really tiring. The weather was not helping much too, with the wind being so chilly. Good thing I have my trusty warm gloves and hat. We had dinner at Jaya Restaurant in Chinatown. Had Kangkung Belachan, Hainanese Chicken and Stingray with chilly. It was really good. Have been getting a little sick of Singapore Cafe and this change is good. This meal can last me for a few months before I have to go eat ‘Singapore food’ again. Yongsiang and Yueiping are going to come back with me to my house in CT and stay the night. On the way back in the subway, Wendy, another Singaporean friend said she thinks it’s fun for us to be staying together, even if it’s just a night. I managed to persuade her to come too, promising to lend her my clothes and other things. She gave in and came back with us. It was so fun! Wendy slept with me while Yongsiang and Yueping slept in the guest. We were able to talk and then fall asleep. Have been a long time since I did that. Can’t even remember the last time I did that. We slept at around 1.30am that night.

Sunday - 19/2/06

Woke up at around 8.30am to feed Dutch, the Labrador dog at home and prepare breakfast for them and to prepare for church. After church, we went up to New Haven for lunch. I brought them to a noodle place and it was very good. Wendy loved it. Although it’s not a Malaysia/Singapore place, they sell Laksa too! And it was good, though not really the full taste of Laksa in S’pore, but the taste is still there and good. After that, we went for the tour of Yale University. This is the 4th time I’m on the tour. I think I can be the tour guide already. Then we came back home to prepare to leave for Yongsiang/Yueping’s place in upstate NY. Wendy was supposed to go home to NYC. But I managed to persuade her to come with us and she agreed(again!). Haha! It was really a fun time. Because I’m driving, we were able to bring quilt, pillow, tidbits, clothes, towel, etc in the car. It was really a road trip. And I enjoyed just driving and talking with them in the car.

Monday - 20/2/06

Slept till 10.30am. Yongsiang had to go work early but the 3 girls just relaxed at their place. We were sooo tired! At least I had a good sleep. After breakfast, Wendy said she really had to go back to work and so we sent her to the train station. Then, Yueping and I went to the grocery store to buy groceries. It was fun to do that. I never got to do that with my host family. They usually are the ones to make the decisions and it’s not in my place to ask them or tell them what to buy. Yueping and I made pork chop, boiled asparagus and baked potato for lunch. It was very yummy and simple to make. We were able to spend time talking too. I finally said goodbye at around 4.30pm, so as to make it back while there’s still sunlight. It was a tiring weekend, but it was fun and I treasure it a lot, all the more because all of us are overseas without other family and friends. I guess Yongsiang and Yueping are better because they have each other. Wendy is in the city, there’s always the others to meet up with at anytime. For me, in boring CT, far away from the others, I’ll always hold memories close to my heart.

Tuesday 7 February 2006

Recent Happenings

I feel much happier recently. Probably because I have so much going on in my life now. Being busy is always better than nothing to do. Just sitting there will get me thinking about silly things and that’s the sad and pathetic part.

I’m taking basic French class and line dancing now. French was interesting. Very interesting. But I have to make extra effort to keep up with the class. Although most of them are older persons, they have some connections to French culture/language or have learnt it before. The teacher is a French native married to an American man but she has such a strong French accent. I can’t understand what she’s saying sometimes. When she blabbers off in French, I think everyone can get it and laugh with her, while I sit there and wonder what’s so funny. Well, it’s always not easy to learn a new language. I’m just glad I took the first step. Proud of myself, actually.

During the weekend just passed, I was in Chinatown for both days. Since Sat was the 7th day of CNY, I met up with the other S’poreans in NYC to ‘lou yu sheng’. We went to Singapore cafe. It was a great meal and great time to meet up and catch up with them. Even though we met each other only here, most of us has become good friends and close to each other. I guess seeing people having the same language, culture and background as you really is a great joy. It really feels different. I’m happy to have found these people in my life here in the States. I always look forward to go into the city to meet them up, even if it’s just a few short hours. It just makes me very, very happy.

On Sunday, went with Anne(my host mum) and the girls to Chinatown to watch the CNY parade. We got there late and only caught a short part of the parade. Not like last year when we stood there for like an hour or so. This time, I think everything is over in 15 mins. Big disappointment for the girls, but I think Brigid is relieved. She’s so terrified of the dragon and lion dancers. Well, I guess it’s good too, since we don’t really want to carry her all the way. She weighs like 30lbs!

For the next few weeks, I’m going to be so busy, full of activities during the weekends. Haha…Really looking forward to it. Especially my vacation next week. Still have not decided where to go yet. Have to call Wendy. Will update more as I know more…