I want...

to see Kara and Brigid. I really, really miss them very much. Miss their non-stop chatter, miss their hugs and kisses, miss their high-pitch voices that’s typical of young girls. I miss making meals for them, talking to them, playing with them and also scolding them. Ha! I dream of them most nights. I just miss my girls.

I want a computer also. Desk-top or lap-top, whatever. Just a computer I can use to get on internet, store my pictures from digital camera and for basic computer usage. It’s very hard not having internet access as and when I need it. I can’t even get on Skype to talk to Kara and Brigid and see them through web-cam(which is the next best thing to seeing the real thing).

I want an anklet too. Actually I bought one when I went Bangkok last month. But think I overdo with the accessories. The anklet I bought has too many bells and dangly stuff. Makes too much noise. I want a simple anklet with just one bell. Still must have bell, but not too noisy. Perlini’s Silver has limited anklets selection and they’re the only place I can think of that’s affordable for me. Anyway.

Notes to myself on what I want.

Change of heart

‘Is it me?’ I ask myself. No, it’s just human nature. It wasn’t mine from the start and never was. It’s too much to ask for an indefinite wait. Time will erase all memories. Something better will come along. It’s all just part of the package of being on holiday. While a mail says one thing, another mail will say the other, just because, things have changed.

Not that I’m really very sad. Just….I don’t know…disappointed, maybe? Disappointed at how things could change so fast. How I just can’t be the one? Disappointed at how ordinary I am. Well, it’s not that I have to cling to it. That’s all in the past. I’m back to reality. Maybe it’s better this way. Gives me the reason to let go, not to cling on for something that’s not meant to be.

God is always good. This is the way of telling me not to hope against hope. Not to do things that I’ll regret. Yes, I guess being cruel sometimes and being direct is the way to stop all forms of uncertainties. No need for guessing.
I still feel sad about it. Sad for human nature. Sad for the memories. No, I still do not regret it. Just that why do I have to be so imaginative? Why do I have so much hope? I’m allowed to feel sad and down for now. I have this right to. Yes, I do. So, let me wallow in self-pity for now. Let me do it my way…

Kah Ji Ma...Don't go...

It’s just a simple 2 words(or three if you say the Korean version).

Recently have been watching Korean shows a lot and I realise that all, and I mean ALL, Korean shows will have this dialogue, ‘Kah Ji Mah’. (Don’t go)

Whenever the male/female lead says this line, he/she would be full of emotion and love in their eyes. Most of the time, they would also have lots to say to the other party but because of circumstances, can’t say it out loud. It’s always this part that touches me the most.

I’ve always wished to be able to have someone who can look me in the eyes and say these 3 words, ‘Kah Ji Ma’ or Don’t go, to me. When I was leaving for US, I wished to have someone say it to me too. I think, if there was such someone, I would gladly give up everything and stay for him. Yes, there’s friends who said it out of uncertainty and worries for me. However, theirs is not the same as when it’s said by a lover. This may be the reason why, now that I’m back, I wish to go away again.

There’s a lot of reason to why I want to go away. The freedom, the friends, the excitement of meeting new people and exploring new places. However, the most important reason for going away is there’s a lack of reason to stay.

In His hands...

Yearning? Craving?

Coincidence? Confidence?

Desire? Loneliness?

Truly? Testing?

Blessings with all my heart.

Hoping from deep in my heart.

It’s all in His hands…