Thursday 29 May 2008

给妈妈的信

I had wanted to bring my mum to church during the parent’s day celebration. She wanted to go back to Malaysia and be with my aunts and uncles. I mentioned before that Pastor Phua let us have some time to speak to our mums after the worship. If my mum had been there, this is what I would have told her:-

‘妈,你常说我们从来都没有送你礼物。其实我长久以来,都在尝试送你一份礼物,就是救恩的礼物。一直都很希望你能接受。可是你都拒绝。那天,林牧师说我们能给父母最好的礼物,就是救恩。我完全同意。有了救恩,并不代表问题都会解决,问题会没有,但我相信你会有平安。你一直说我们没有了解你,你又何尝有了解我们呢?我真的希望你能够尝试来了解我,了解我的坚持,了解我为什么要坚持。’

This is something that I would never say to my mum face-to-face. Just keep praying….

Thursday 22 May 2008

29th birthday

Have been feeling rather bored recently. The only highlight of the week was my birthday on Monday. It was Vesak Day, a public holiday. Just as well, the fellowship decided to have a program on that day. Turn out wasn’t as good as thought because many people backed out at the last minute. Good thing was that most of those with families are there. The babies and children are always a good source of entertainment. This time, we went for bowling at Yishun Safra. It was fun. Though I don’t bowl very well, but since it has been a long time since I last bowled, it was something new and it’s always good and exciting to be doing new things. It made me want to go bowling again.

Actually, most of the fellowship brothers and sisters know that it’s my birthday that day. XQ and family even bought me a present. Noelle was so excited to give me the present. Haha. XQ told me that she picked the present but the wrapping paper was picked by Noelle. Nice. Not too bad design. The sad thing was that the dinner program was not joined by many people. Most of them has other commitments and had to leave. I was quite sad. However, WX and the rest surprised me. Think they told the people at the restaurant to celebrate my birthday at the end of our dinner and they restaurant played the birthday song heard by EVERYONE at the restaurant. Every patron at the place was like singing birthday song to me. That was soooo embarrassing. I felt like a 5 year old. Haha.

Well, other than that, it was nothing much about my birthday. Family, we’re used to not celebrating any occasions. When I woke up, no one was at home. The thing that disappointed me the most was that the Lynchs forgot my birthday. They remembered last year and even sent my presents and cards from UK. This year, they forgot. Not that I want any presents from them. But at least a phone call would be nice. I even logged on to Skype at night just to give them a chance to call me but even though they are shown to be online, they did not try to call me. It was only the next day that I received an e-card from them. Very obviously sent very last minute loh. Must really thank internet and technology. If not, will not even get an e-card.

Sigh, maybe I shouldn’t place so high an emphasis on the Lynchs anymore. They have moved on with their lives. I should too. Like what Anne said before, ‘The time at Fairfield was a good time and was fun, but now it is time to move on and let them but their own family.’. She’s right. I was not family and never will be. Who am I to demand that they always remember about me. Although the girls are very important to me and I love them so much, they were never mine and will never be mine. They’re so loved by their parents and their families, they don’t need me. Perhaps I should move on too. My thoughts are always filled with my time in Fairfield. Even little things that happened then are stilled remembered very vividly. They may be the best years in my life but they’re not the only years. I still have more memories to look back on and better memories to create.

Well, maybe. Maybe it’s time to let go.

Sunday 11 May 2008

Shopping and KTV

Finally I got to enjoy some of the perks of being jobless. Went out to Orchard for some shopping on Friday with J. She has a much better life, being married to a good husband who can provide for her and I think they’re expecting their first child, so she has a legitimate excuse not to work. My mum also said if I don’t want to work, find someone to marry and she won’t be nagging me anymore. I would love that more than anything, but how am I to control or choose? Anyway, back to shopping. Did not buy anything much. Bought a top from This Fashion and two outfits for little Isabelle for her first birthday. I’m just glad for the chance to be out and do something that’s enjoyable.

Today, Sunday, the church celebrated Parent’s Day. Pastor gave the children time after worship to go to the front to say some things to their parents. It was a very touching moment. In fact, lots of tears flowed. For me, who can’t stand to see people crying, of course also cried with them. Aiyah, so silly. Wish I can say the same things to my parents. Unfortunately my family situation is different. I don’t have the same feelings towards my parents. Not that I don’t love them, but just too much happenings in my family that makes the love complicated. Sometimes it’s a love-hate feeling. So, when my mum complains that we don’t celebrate for her, I can’t really evoke the guilty feeling. You can’t force someone to be happy for you and do something special for you when the feeling is not there.

Well, after church, met WJ and YJ for KTV. Yeah! I love to sing with them. They know lots of songs and sing well so I can learn a lot from them and enjoy the singing process. After that, WM joined us for dinner at J8. The four of us did not have a proper meal for several months now and it’s nice to just sit and talk. Just so comfortable.

Now, after all these outings and gatherings, think I have to stop spending so much. Not working and still spend like there’s no tomorrow. I really have to curb my spending. But, I feel like going for a holiday. I can claim an air-ticket from my frequent-flyer miles or I can always go back to Batam, which will be cheaper. If I do go on another holiday, I’m sure I will get endless nagging from mum again. Arghhhh!!

Wednesday 7 May 2008

Finally a break

I can finally take a break! Nothing to do, no need to get up early everyday. Although it has only been a few days, I’ve not been enjoying this break as yet. Last Sat, I did something during my sleep and seems to pull a nerve. The result is that I’ve been having pain around my left shoulder and back. It’s been affecting me so much that I can’t even do a simple thing such as comb my hair because I can’t stretch to the back. It also affected my sleep as I can’t turn as and when I wish. Whenever I make a turn, I would wake up from pain and then have to turn carefully. To make matter worse, I have my period too! Now, my stomach, back, shoulder and lower back all feels pain. The good thing about this is that at least I didn’t have to go to work and I can rest at home. I really can’t imagine if I have to go to work everyday with all these pain, how I can stand it.

I still don’t know what to do for my life. Have applied to MOE. Hopefully this time will be successful. Still considering what I’ve been thinking of since last year, but I really lack the courage. My lack of funds is the biggest concern. Some days really feel like betting everything I have on a dream and just do it but reality pulls me back fast. I read an article yesterday about the Singapore Dream and Singapore Plan. We are so used to being told what to do in Singapore that we tend to follow the same paths. No one dares to venture out of their comfort zone. When someone deviates from the usual path, people around will say lots of things and makes us feel so alienated that we sometimes will lose our courage and return to the same rat race. Actually, for me to be joining the rat race is too late now. Having no skills, no experience, no excellent academic results, I cannot dream of making it big or ever striking it rich. It’s only the simple wish for a stable life and to really find my other half that compels me to stay on. Not sure what God’s plan is for me, but after the mission trip, I just hope that God really did use His servant to speak to me. If I interpret the message wrongly, I also don’t know what will happen in future.

Anyway, I would like to enjoy my free time now. Hopefully my pulled nerve will recover within the next few days and I can do more things next week, like reading, walking, exercising more. With all these free time, you can also expect me to blog more!