Nerves and excitment

It's another two days before I get on the flight to London. I don't know why, but this past week I had been in such excitement and was very nervous. Even when I sleep, I was also thinking about what would happen when I meet my host family in London, when I see A in Germany and when I meet V in Switzerland. People would think that I've never travelled or never been to London. I guess the reason is because this is the first time I travelled to meet friends. In the past, it has always been travelling just to travel, for enjoyment, for leisure. Now, I'm going to meet friends in each of the countries that I'm going to. This is especially true for meeting my host family.

As I've said before, I want to see my host family again but at the same time, I fear seeing them. I want to see them because I miss them so much, especially K and B. Also, I've not met the new addition to the family, C, so I want to meet him and shower my affections on him just as I did to K and B. However, it has been a few years since I left the family and I fear that the girls would not be as affectionate and close to me as before. Of course, I did prepare myself and tell myself not to expect too much. There's bound to be changes and differences and it's something that's inevitable, so I have to accept it. My memories has always been at the stage of when I was with the family in USA. The girls, being so young, forget easily, so they would not remember much about the times with me, so I really can't expect them to be as close to me as before. My host parents are also so cool people that I think that while they're hospitable and happy to see me, I'm still an outsider and can never be treated the same as with their family members. Well, I expect that I'll be very emotional to meet them at the airport but they'll be very cool about it, so in the end, I will also pretend to be cool about the whole thing too. You know, I've not been so excited about meeting people ever in my life. Not even when, five years ago, I decided to go to the USA to be an au pair all alone. I wasn't scared or nervous then. I guess that's because I went with an open mind, not ecpecting anything. When there's no expectations, there's no disappointment. Now, I already know the family and I know what I could have, so there's expectations, so I fear the disappointment of what would not be.

This is also the first time that I'm planning a whole two weeks' of vacation all by myself. WJ has not been too much help as she's easy-going and she's not been to Europe at all before. Anywhere I go or bring her, she's fine with it. But Europe is such a big place and everywhere is nice to go, so I have some trouble planning for it. The last time I went backpacking in Europe, I was riding on the coat-tails of R and Y, who planned everything; where to stay, where to eat, where to go. This time, I'm entrusted with this task and my fear is that WJ may not like what I like. I only hope that she'll enjoy herself.

Well the time to board the plane is near (Sunday!) and I hope this trip will be fun and uneventful, that everything will go well. The other day, I was thinking that I'm so full of anticipation for this trip, when I come back from the trip, I'll be in depression as I'll have nothing to look forward to. The expenses for this trip is also staggering and much more than what I planned for at first so I have to think of ways to earn it back. My stand to pursue my ideals may be a losing cause and I've been toying with the idea of giving up and just go look for a job, a boring office job, all for the sake of money. I gave up all these before as I don't see the satisfaction of working for others, at a job that only makes the rich, richer while I slog so much just for that monthly pay. But reality is closing in and the financial situation may be something that forces me to give up all these ideals and join the rat race. When I start doing that, people would stop looking at me as a loser and I would probably be able to walk with my heads up again.

感动

因为‘流星花园’我感动得接受一个错的人。今天，因为韩版的‘流星花园’我再一次被感动。但是，我身边连一个错的人也没有。

无奈


原以为心已死，但我发现，我还是渴望和相信爱情的。

期待

Post birthday celebrations and thoughts

I wanted to blog about the happenings these few days because I'll be flying to London next Sunday (yay!) and I'm not sure I would find another time to blog till I come back from the trip.

So, I celebrated my birthday on Wed with the girls. WM couldn't make it as she was busy with work. Sometimes I feel that she's so absorbed in earning money and relationships that she takes us friends for granted. Many a times, when we did meet up, it's always to accommodate her timings and schedules. For goodness sakes, she can't even remember when my exact birthday was! So much for being friends for 17 years. Was kinda disappointed that she didn't turn up but what to do. Anyway, I decided to have dinner at Chomp-chomp. Had been a long time since I ate there and I miss eating all these hawker fares. Also, I need to save up for the Europe trip, so I choose not to eat at restaurants. It was a quick dinner affair. YJ was rushing to go home to finish up some work too. WJ and I walked and waited around Serangoon Gardens, in hope that WM would be able to meet up for a bit after she finished with her client but alas, she still couldn't make it.

On Friday, I met up with K. She's a senior from my JC days. I can't say that we're very close but we do try to meet up once or twice every year for both our birthdays. Actually, we played a trick during our JC days on those friends who knew us. We pretended to be sisters. Even those friends of hers who knew her were taken in by us. So, till now we sort of maintained a relationship of 'sisters'. Well, I was the one who thought of her as an older sister. I wasn't sure if she still wanted me as a younger sister. So on Friday, while we were having dinner, she told her friend on the phone that she was having dinner with her god-sister, I was very happy. In fact, I was so happy by this comment that I kept replaying in the whole night. It really nice to maintain a long friendship and it's not easy to maintain a friendship with someone like me as I tend to be on the quiet side. However, I think Friday's dinner went well as we managed to update each other on the happenings of the past year and also a little on relationships. This friendship/sister-ship is something that I treasure very, very much and I'm so glad that K also is willing to maintain this relationship.

Next, comes to today, Sunday. I was very busy. After worship, there's a tuition ministry meeting. It also happens to be the farewell luncheon for our conductor. He has been posted to work at another church and so will end the one-year internship with our choir. Me, being the choir chairman, definitely has to be present at such an occasion, although I would like very much to have lunch with my fellowship members. Hence, I took off halfway after the tuition meeting and went for the farewell party. It happens that the cafe we went to was overwhelmed by our presence and took a long time to get ready the lunch orders. Since I'm the youngest member in the choir, I was feeling a little bored and left out. So, when J smsed me to ask me for lunch, I immediately agreed. So, I had to leave the choir's farewell party, amidst a chorus of nagging and teasing. But was I so glad to be with people whom I feel very comfortable with and happy. My fellowship's people are those that I can talk with and because they have children and babies, I feel very happy to be with them too.

One of the brothers, a father of two, kept asking me how I learned to carry babies and whether I learned it before. They even teased that I must had given birth to a child before to be so good with babies/children. I'm also not sure why I'm so good with babies. I guess it's because I really like them. Since young, I've always liked babies. When I see babies, I would look at them with longing and would play with them. I always asked my parents to give birth to a younger sibling so I can 'play' with him/her but well, my parents decided to stop at three. When I was ten, my aunties started forming their own families and I had younger cousins to 'play' with. I guess all my babysitting skills came from there. I was observant and learned a lot from just watching. Believe it or not, prior to going to USA, I've never had a real chance to change diapers. I only had seen it countless of times and know the theory of it. But when it came to the first time to change diapers for Brigid in USA, I had no problem as I went through the same motions lots of times in my head. That's how I work. I go through things in my head and try to improve it and see what's feasible or not. As to carrying babies, I guess it's just like driving. I face it heads-on. I know that I like carrying babies and in order to get the chance to carry them, I have to be good at it, so as to gain the trust of the parents. If I'm bad at it, I would not get a second chance, so I have to make sure that I am good. Hence, it all comes down to confidence. But don't get fooled by me. Sometimes I do get panicky and don't know what to do in my heart but I don't show it on my face. It's the same when I'm driving. I do get scared by some situations but I appear calm and nonchalant on the surface, so many thinks that I'm very confident and skilled in driving.

Well, it's quite a long post. I have another birthday dinner tomorrow night but it may not be something to blog about. We'll see. If not, the next post would be on my Europe trip. Stay tuned!

The big three-O club

I'm officially into my 30s! Actually I did nothing special on my birthday today but just wanted to blog it down for memory's sake. I was very happy to receive all the sms wishes. After so many years, I sort of know who are the ones who's going to wish me who will not remember at all. I'm especially happy to receive the sms wishes of those friends whom I've known for a long time (more than ten years). To be able to keep in touch with them for such a long time is something I treasure and the friendship is even more important than my birthday.

I had wanted to wake up early today and go out to do things or eat things that I enjoy as a treat to myself. But I played MH on Facebook till 5am the night before and thus wasn't able to wake up till 2pm. I decided to just go AMK hub and watch a movie by myself to celebrate. I also had to take passport photo of myself so I can renew my IC. This IC thing is causing me so much trouble. I had only these two weeks to get it done and collect it before I leave for my two weeks of Europe trip but they only gave us a month's notice. So many things to get done before my trip, so everything was rushed.

Anyway, I watched 'Angels and Demons' by Tom Hanks, based on the book by Dan Brown. I've read both the Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons while in USA as my host dad had the books. I thoroughly enjoyed both books. However, I was very disappointed by the movie version of 'The Da Vinci Code' as I feel that it doesn't show the thinking process and details that are felt from the book. This time, the movie version of 'Angels and Demons' did not fail me. It was very good! As I read the book a few years ago, the story was a little vague to me but as I watched the movie, the story came back to me and I know what's going to happen next and who the bad guy is. Despite that, I was practically sitting on the edge of my seat throughout the whole movie as it really was very exciting. The director was able to convey the suspense well this time. Also, as I myself have been to Rome and the Vatican City, where the book/movie was set, it was nice to see all the places that I've been to. The places are so familiar and it's always fun to know what the whole movie was about. But I really wonder whether the scenes of the Vatican City are real or a movie set. Should be a set lah, can't be the Pope allows Hollywood to shoot movies at Vatican City, right?

Ok, that's how I spent my thirtieth birthday all by myself. Looking forward to London in one and a half weeks' time. I already miss my host family very, very much and really can't wait! Woohoo!

Updates, happenings

Has been a long time since I blogged. I've been so addicted to playing with Mousehunt on Facebook that I don't really want to do anything else. There's so many games on fb, actually that I can't stop. Blogging needs time. I need time to think and plan what I want to write, so the fifteen minutes in between sounding the horn in MH is not enough for me to think, so I just stopped blogging.

Anyway, I want to blog about my past happenings and thoughts. Not much, actually, given my current boring status. Last Tuesday had dinner with S and R and WJ. It had been a long time since we last met up and I did it individually with each of them, never together, so this gathering is much treasured. S and R are even crazy enough to blog about the dinner immediately after they got home that same night. Hats off to them! Well, it was a great time spent with old friends. One, it got me out of my house and force me to go out. Being a private tutor, I'm either at home or at students' homes. I seldom go out, so to go out sometimes means a lot to me. Two, it got all of us together to catch up. This is actually the first time that I organise a dinner with this group of friends that went smoothly, i.e, everyone are free on the same day, same time. Reason for organising this dinner? No reason. Just one day, I was tutoring my student and there's this strong urge to ask R out for a meal. Then while smsing, I thought we could also ask S out, so the dinner is on! It happened that the day that we're having the dinner, WJ asked me if I want to watch a movie and I told her I'm meeting S and R and asked her along.

The four of us had been friends for more than half of our lives. We were in the same class for all four years in secondary school and happened to like each other enough to keep in contact. We moved on to different paths in life after graduation and are at different jobs and different stages in our lives now but somehow, there's no awkwardness when we meet up. Conversations flow freely, smiles given readily and even hugs are aplenty. This is what I call real friendship.

Looking at the picture reminds me of how much I miss being with friends and just talking. I had just a session like that yesterday when we had fellowship program at EW and XL's house. It was a pretty informal potluck session, with everyone contributing a little food here and there. I like the part where we stayed back just to talk. It is strange that even though most of the conversations revolved around family, children, children's schooling, etc, I was not bored and was even able to contribute. The icing on the cake was being entertained by 3 months old MX. She's very cute and nice to hold. I like children. Young children. The younger they are, the more I like them. Hee...

On another note altogether, I'm preparing to go on the Europe trip at the end of the month. I've still not told my mum about it yet. I dread the outbreak it will bring. She seems to think that for every cent that I made, I should give it to her, instead of spending it on holidays, clothes, etc. It's not enough that I just give her a little allowance every month. Her thinking is, if I have enough to travel, why not give her more? I just think that I work, I made, I spend. Simple as that.

Anyway, my host mum emailed me yesterday that she will be making a stop in Singapore for her work next week. She said she will try to meet me if she has a free up in her work schedule as there's a lot of meetings and business meals to attend. I was quite excited on that. However, we're not too hung up on whether she can meet me or not, since I'll see her in London in a few weeks' time. I'm also not sure how to behave with her since I've not had dinner with just my host mum and me. We've always had the children as the buffer. I'm just hoping that maybe next time, the whole family can come to Singapore and I can introduce to the girls this place that I call home. They'll be really amused that people will and can speak Mandarin to them.

I know this is a very random post. But they're some thoughts that I want to note down for future reference! Till next time...

Hermit or loner?

Couple of weeks ago, I had dinner with a group of ex-colleagues. This was in honour of one of the colleague who's quitting the company and leaving Singapore to go back to her home country. It was a big gathering of eight. Not bad, considering half of us in the group had left that company.

Throughout the dinner, conservations swilled around the inevitable talking of the said company and the bosses (boss and boss's wife). What to do? The only thing common to all of us is because we all work or worked at the company at some point. This means that there are some still at the company and it being a small company, many things are known to the workers (meaning us).

Other than my character being quiet and shy sometimes, the reason why I was quiet during the dinner was that I really dislike gossiping or talking about others behind others' back. I do want to get updated on the happenings in the company ever since I left but at the same time, I do not really want to know why or when the boss and his wife quarrels. It's not because I dislike listening to a good gossip. I just dislike doing it with non-Christians. With non-Christians, comments can become malicious or misunderstood very easily. Some more, me being me, I sometimes talk without thinking (but no ill intents) and in the process people get the wrong ideas about me. So, most of the time I just listen without taking part in the conversations.

After that dinner, on the way home, I was thinking on how nice it was to be able to have colleagues who had become friends to go out and sit down for dinner with (gossiping aside). However, at the same time, the time spent during dinner, I can feel myself putting on the 'social' face and behaviour. I think why I like my job as a tutor now is because I like to work alone. Even when I did work in an office, I always appreciated the times when I was left alone to do things my own way. Yes, I did need guidance and I wanted people telling me what to do but after that, leave me alone to do it and I will do it at my own pace. I guess my character is such that I really like my 'me' time. I don't like to socialise much and I feel it a chore to always put on a false smile and pretend to be interested in what others are talking about in their lives. Maybe it's because I value my private life and seldom talk about myself, so listening to others exhort about theirs is such a tiring process.

I don't know. Am I unsociable or a recluse? Maybe that's why I'm still single. I always lose to those who knows how to 'sell' themselves while I leave it to 'whatever will happens, will happens'.