Went to the hospital yesterday night to visit a church brother and sister who had their THIRD child. Really envy them. Just 30 years old and they already have one daughter and now, two sons. The new baby boy is very adorable and was sleeping the whole time me and other people were there. Anyway, show you the pictures.
The happy mummy and baby.
Yay! Another baby for me to play with!
I was surfing and playing with facebook yesterday and went to the desserts cafe as well as ice-cream applications. Set off my cravings for cakes. So, when I was on my way home, I decided to buy something to curb my cravings. 
As you can see, I love anything chocolate! Haha! In case you’re wondering, no I didn’t eat everything in one night. I saved the chocolate donut for my breakfast this morning. I ate half of the cake also. The cupcake, I polished off before I had my dinner yesterday night. Bliss…
Last Friday night, I was having a very bad day at work. Was not feeling quite well also physically. When I was on the way to church choir on the bus, I had a sudden urge to cry. This is my way of letting off stress.
During my stay in USA, I often make myself cry to let off steam. This is especially when I had a bad day, bad week or bad night. Having been unattached for more than 3 years and being alone in a foreign land does that to you. Sometimes I feel that my heart is not feeling anything. When I cry, I think of very sad things to force the tears out. This way, I will at least feel that I’m alive and living. Sad way of living, isn’t it?
This is what happened last Friday. Just was feeling very bottled up and I didn’t talk for most of the day, so I just wanted to feel better by crying. Nowadays, when I want to cry, I think of Kara and Brigid. I think of the days past of being in Connecticut and the good days I had there. That usually sets me off.
At least now, I’m feeling better. As usual for me on a Monday, I’m tired! Don’t know why I just can’t sleep well on Sunday nights. To make matters worst, I’m coming down with a cold. Feeling terrible. Sore throat, blocked and runny nose. Hope I will have a good sleep tonight and feel better tomorrow.
The last few lines about loves to travel, loves to dream, dislike being at home and restless, very true! However, I'm not saying I believe in star signs. This is just for fun.
The weekend just past, I had very good times spent with those that I hold dearest to me. As I just started work last Tuesday, I was feeling very tired the whole week. This new schedule of waking up early, sleeping early is still difficult to adjust.
Anyway, Friday night, it was an unusual night as there was no choir practise. I decided it being Friday and all, it’s too good to waste on going home, though I was very tired. Decided to organise an informal dinner. Managed to get J and ZC. We went to Billy Bombers at Heeren. It was a good meal filled with good conversation and relaxing in the company of good friends. After dinner, ZC sent us home in his new car! Haha. So happy for him and it benefits me too!
On Sat, went karaoke with WJ & YJ. Had been wanting to go singing for some time and finally had the chance to go. I was happy with my voice that day and although did not sing a lot of songs, again, being in the company of good friends is such a pleasure. Went to have dinner at Sakae Sushi with YJ after that. Wonderful! I love sushi! Went home full but satisfied.
On Sunday, after all the usual church activities, went to have lunch at a Hong Kong cafe. YY managed to join us. This lunch is also due to the fact that ZC got his new car and we can get more people to join and go further. Again, I’m blessed to be able to have good friends surrounding me. Went home with YY after that and got a call from ZC regarding our planned trip in Dec. Talked for 2 hours! I had to spend the time at YY’s home so we can research on the net and discuss on the phone with ZC. I’m very happy that there’s no more awkwardness(at least I feel) with YY. Always feel such a pity that we were not able to be closer friends.
It’s been a good weekend. However, I didn’t have a good sleep last night and now, sitting in office, I just want to sleep! Hopefully today will have things to learn, things to do so time passes faster.
I watched a show recently and one of the characters in the show reflects a lot of my feelings and personality. Can really feel myself being the same person in the show and I can understand the issue being discussed.
Ever since I came back from USA, I’ve been thinking a lot about going away again. I think the freedom and lack of responsibilities for the 2 years abroad has been ingrained so much in me that I feel that it’s so pressurised to be back here in Singapore. I hate living at home, where my mum seems to be breathing down my neck at everything I do - what time I sleep, what time I get up, when I do housework, when I eat, what I eat, where I go. Yes, they may be ways of her showing her concern but since we’ve not been really that close growing up, I think it’s pretty late now to be showing close concern and expect me to be appreciative of it and reciprocate. I’m quiet, period. Accept it. There’re even things that I don’t admit and tell to myself, much less to another person.
In the television show, that’s a clear issue. The reason for going away, is it because of pressure of to run away from responsibilities? 是感到压力，还是逃避责任？I’ve been thinking about it myself too. I have to finally admit that the latter is the more appropriate reason why I want and feel so much for going away. Can say that I want to run from the many responsibilities I have to shoulder.
Admittedly, the 2 years abroad has brought much freedom, joy, fun and experiences, but that’s lots of loneliness, boredom, sadness and homesickness too. It’s just that the happier reasons outweighs the sad ones.
If only I can get over the selfishness in me. Then perhaps I can truly feel happy to be back home, with friends and family.
After the last post, seems like there’s nothing interesting going in my life enough for me to blog. Actually was thinking of blogging more. But whenever I look at the screen, I forgot whatever that I wanted to say. Sad, that life is so boring.
I’m still bumming around. Looking for that ‘dream’ job. Looking back, was I stupid to turn down the 2 job offers that I had? Probably. But even if I accepted them, how long would it be before I quit and look for another job again? I knew that those 2 jobs are not what I would want to be doing in the long term. So, what do I want to do in the long term? Frankly speaking, I don’t know too. It’s always based on feelings. When I went for the interviews, I will see what the job is about, what the people there are like and based upon my feelings, I decide if I want the job or not. A risky thing to be based on? Yes, but if you don’t feel comfortable, how are you going to convince yourself of getting out of bed and going to work everyday?
I know, I’m still dreaming. Since I’ve aborted my supposedly ‘big plans’, I feel that there’s nothing for me to work towards. I want so much to see Kara and Brigid but I think I’m not wanted, plus I have no money. I want so much to leave Singapore but I’m of no value to other countries! Ha! Keep dreaming, I guess.
I’m blogging from my new laptop! Yes! Finally I bought my computer. It has been something that I’ve wanted ever since I came back to Singapore. Have been saving up and during the IT fair at the beginning of the month, finally went to buy it! It’s such a good buy too! The laptop has good specs, more than what I needed, and comes at a price that meets my budget. I’m so happy!
Now, I will have to start signing up for internet connection at home. No use having a laptop with no internet connection. Makes it useless leh. I’m using the free wireless connection at the library now. Very heavy to lug the laptop and walk to the library but there’s air-conditioning at the library, definitely much more comfortable than if I use at home.
I’ve stopped working since this week. Last Friday was my last day. Not bad. I’ve been going for interviews almost everyday this week too. It’s really a boost of my confidence! It was a good decision to work for the Chin family in the beginning. I really achieved my motive of gaining experience while with them. Now, when I go for interviews, my experience as a PA is really recognised. All the companies seems to want to hire me. Of course, still have to go for 2nd interviews, so still waiting. But if I’m called back for 2nd interviews, means I stand a good chance, right? Anyway, there’s these 2 jobs that are more or less confirmed to hire me. However, the distance is pretty far. I have another job that I’m quite interested in and I have to go for a 2nd time on Friday. Keep my fingers crossed!
I’m so happy now to have my own computer. Ha! Well, have to go download stuffs for the laptop. Hopefully I can sign up for internet connection at home soon. Then, I can blog more regularly!
On the last Sunday of August, I organised a farewell dinner for one beloved sister-in-Christ, let’s call her J. She’s going to Taiwan to follow her dream. Though vague with details and plans, I still wish her well, much to the worries of the others around her. Yes, silly and dangerous for a single girl to go alone to a foreign land. Yes, silly to leave your family and friends and a stable job to chase a dream. Having also done that when I left for USA, I can understand why J did it. She feels that it’s the right time, and things are going smoothly for her to go, isn’t it? This feeling of the right time, very hard to explain. Some would say that it’s God telling us to do something, some would call it gut feeling. Whatever it is, only the person experiencing it would know
.
The main point of this post is not whether J made the right decision to go or not. The point of this post is: Why does it take a person leaving to get all of us together? The dinner had almost 100% attendance. Almost. One person couldn’t make it at the last minute. One of the brothers said when he knew that J was leaving, no matter what, he’ll make it for this farewell dinner. My question is, ‘why’? Why do we try to get together only when we know there’s no more time for us to get together anymore? What about the time that there was plenty of time for each other? How do we know when is the last time we get together? How do we know that we can get the chance to have a ‘farewell’ dinner? Have often heard of people saying, ‘Live each day like it’s your last’. So based on this saying, shouldn’t we always treasure each and every time we have a chance to get together? It may be for a casual, nothing-to-do, sort of dinner, but if it’s quality time spent with the friends we love, the brothers and sisters we care about, shouldn’t we always make the effort?
What if I have no time for ‘Farewell’?
Have been trying to carry out some plans lately. A lot of things went through my mind actually. Realised that things may not be what I always wanted. Also realised that while I can think in some way, others may not think the same.
Last Friday night, I called London to the Lynchs house. Anne, my host mum, has given birth on 26th August. It’s a boy! Just like what I predicted and wanted! Conor Daniel Lynch. Very nice. I’m very happy for them. Really. According to Anne, Kara and Brigid are very excited to have their baby brother. They even brought pictures of their new baby brother to show their teachers and classmates in school. Good for them.
However, during the course of the conversation, I asked for a favour and the answer I got was not what I expected. Totally threw me off. I was not expecting that to be the response I get from the beloved host family, host parents that I knew. Don’t really want to go into details, but the gist of it was that I had my share of fun with them in Fairfield, CT, USA. Now, it’s time for them to be a family, for them to bond together, especially since Conor is their biological child, they hope to spend more time to be with the girls and that I should leave them be. So, all along, the phrase, ‘like family…’ the key word is ‘like’. I’m not family, just like family.
Was feeling very hurtful, sad and depressed for the whole of the weekend. Cried every night thinking of what Anne said. She was honest, I give her that, but ti’s just too brutally honest. Sensitive me, from Asia, could not accept it. Now, with Anne’s words, came a reality check for me also. I reconsidered my decision to carry out a crazy plan and have come to a final decision. So, I feel better now. Calmer. I know what to do next and can at least make solid plans. Just think that this time, God wants me to stay, so I’m going to stay.
Still a lot of things going on these few days. I’m so over-whelmed by events. Going to take it slowly and digest things over. I hope everything works out in the end and I won’t get into a tight corner by my rash decision. Pray for me. Walk with me.
Have not been updating these 2 weeks. That’s because I do not have a chance to use the computer at work for personal matters. My boss managed to get a new person to take over my work. This new person, she’s very good. Nice person, older than me, able to get things done. My boss is very happy with her. I’m being kept on here to work as my boss gave me till my notice period is over, which is about 2 weeks later. However, I’m not really needed here anymore.
I’m miserable because my boss is such a person who does not know how to treat people nicely. Even though the new person is here, I’m here too. Yes, I have to try to hand things over to the new person. But you don’t have to keep finding fault in me to emphasise the goodness of the new person. Everyday I tell myself how relieved I am and how I made the right decision to leave. There’s nothing to stay for here. I feel like just because I’m leaving, she can say whatever she wants, so she kept picking on me. So miserable everyday. When I think of coming to work now, I feel so sad. In the first place, why do I want to stay for so long? Why do I not have my last day tomorrow? Because of the money! I need the money. If I work for another 2 more weeks, I get another 2 more week’s money. So, I can carry out my plans, if I do want to. Even if I don’t carry out my plan, I still have not found a new job yet, so this money will help tide me over my unemployed period.
I’m soooo miserable! Help!!!!
to make. That’s what I have to do. Like I said after my last post, I’ve finally tendered in my resignation. No drama, just gave the letter and it was accepted. No talks, no requests to stay. Some of my friends have been asking why this sudden decision to quit. Well, just feel that it’s the right time. If I don’t do it now, I won’t be able to leave for another 2-3 months, when my boss gave birth. Better to do it now when she’s ok and can look for someone to take over me.
An amazing thing happened right after I tendered. Well, I tendered on a Friday and on the next Monday that came, I was offered jobs! Really, I got calls from headhunter companies, and even by emails offering me jobs. Well, not the final offer but something to tell me that at least I’m able to have a job even if I quit. This is truly amazing as I’ve been looking for jobs for a couple of months now and have not had any success so far, but the moment I tendered, it’s as if those people knew about it and came looking for me! Truly God is looking out for me! So far, I’ve been offered - 2 nanny jobs, one in Singapore, one in UK(which I’m very tempted to take up), one PA position, one HR position and another Operations Assistant position(which I just went for interview this morning). See, I’m in hot demand! Haha!
Well, the UK nanny position is one that I’m really, really sorely tempted to take. It offers me good money and good working conditions. The duties are almost like what I did in USA. However, since there’s no agency to be the watchdog this time, I’m not making my decision so fast. Have to be careful. I saw and heard too many horror stories while in USA and this, even with an agency, what’s more I now don’t have one. What’s also keeping me from accepting this nanny position is that I somehow feel that by taking care of other children, I’m somehow betraying Kara and Brigid (not that they would know or care). Well, before, all my love was for Kara and Brigid. I don’t know if I’m capable of transferring my love and affections to other children. If I cannot, it’s very unfair to the children that I’ll be taking care of. If I can, it’s very sad for me as I don’t want to lose the strong feeling of love I had for Kara and Brigid and the Lynchs. I don’t know if anyone will understand this feeling. Can’t really express it.
The other position that I’m interested in is the one that I went interview for this morning. There’s room for me to go further, there’s new things to learn and it offers stability. Of course, that can also translate to boring and routine work. Depends on what I want. Anyway, I still have to wait for their news. I’m not the only one they’re talking to.
On another note, last night, while I was going home from work, I suddenly realised something, much to my horror. It’s that I seem to be missing Kara and Brigid less! Yes, they’re still my darlings and very dear to my heart but I suddenly realise that I don’t yearn and miss them as much as I was before. This is really horrific to me because I don’t want to lose that feeling of loving them so much so that my heart ache. I did enjoy loving them and missing them. Talk about self-torture. Well, I guess the point is that if I can lose this love for them gradually, what’s to say for Kara and Brigid who’re still so young and easily forgets? I’m sure by now, their impression and love they had for me is already lost. Sure, they do remember me and that I used to take care of them and maybe some of the things we did in USA, but I think they won’t have that feeling of loving and affection for me anymore.
Right now, with my resignation, there’s a lot of decisions to make and eventually, the choices I decide will affect the rest of my life. Seems serious but it’s true. I still have not decided about the big plan I had. With me getting older, I’m turning to be less adventurous. I can’t play, play now as I have to think about the next step and even the next few years my life. Argh!! What should I do? I’ll leave it to the good Lord. Seems that I have a pretty good idea, just waiting for another sign. Let you know soon.
Have not been updating for a couple of weeks. Not that I don’t have anything to blog about. Just trying to collect more so I can blog more as I go along. Which is better? A longer post or one short one everyday? Anyway don’t think can blog everyday. My life is NOT that interesting.
Ok, just to update. I’ve already moved out from my boss’s place. Back to my own house in AMK. Good also to have this stability, but I’m very frustrated also when I go home. No more air-con! So hot at home. The weather is still something that I’m trying to deal with ever since I got back to Singapore. Another thing is I think my house is too dirty and dusty. Have been having itchy and irritating eyes ever since I moved back. Resulted in me having swollen eyes every morning. People seems to think I cry every night.
Anyway, I went to carry out my plans yesterday. Had wanted to try it out and see where it’ll lead me. Realised that it’s not as easy as I’ve thought and this led me to pause and take a step back to rethink about my decision. This is quite a big step to take and there’s a lot of factors involved. I’m not sure that it will work out as well as I’ve thought it would. If I go ahead with it just because I’m stubborn, I’m not sure that I would survive. Oh, gosh!
On a side note. I’m going to be tendering today. Must do it today. Can’t take it anymore. Even if my plans do not go through, I can still take other paths. Staying here is definitely out of the question. Some misunderstanding occurred last week to firm up my decision. Her coming back this week made me can’t stand it anymore. I’m going. However, I still have to give a month and a half notice, so it’s not like I can leave straight away. Never mind. I need the money. It’s for money’s sake that I lasted so long. Money is a large part of the reason why my plans may not go through. Well, just keep praying for me, ok?
Have been trying to post the Youtube video onto the blog but it can’t seem to work. Anyway, go to the website and watch
Youtube text link
It’s a Taiwanese talkshow talking about Singapore’s democracy and transparency and comparisons with Taiwan’s political scene.
Counducted in Mandarin and Hokkien.
Have been staying at my boss’s place for a week now. Life is not too bad actually, after all, I have 2 maids to cook for me, no need to wash up, no need to clean up, no need to worry about getting up on time for work.
As I was showering this morning, I was thinking, this would be what it would be like when I get married and move out of my home. I’ve been living in Ang Mo Kio my whole life. Seriously, even before I was born, I’ve been living there. Have never moved before. Until I moved to USA, I used to like my home very much. Now that I came back from USA, where I had a big house, big room, big bed, big bathroom and everything new, I came back to my home feeling that everything’s so old and dirty. Now that I’ve moved out temporary, I don’t really think of returning home so often. If not for the fact that I need to go home to get my things, I wouldn’t even feel like going home.
Things have been almost worked to a routine now at my boss’s house. There’s SCV and internet wireless access at the house here. I sleep every night after 12am, just surfing net and watching tv. I don’t have to wake up too early as I’m already at the house, there’s no travelling time to make up for. I don’t even go to the hospital everyday to see my boss because it’s her baby that she wants to see, not me. This in turn gives me lots of free time. It’s not too bad a life style.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I do really want to write something but there’s nothing much interesting going on. The plans I had earlier are all on hold now because of this complication in my work. Will have to see what’s going to happen and wait for things to go back to normal again before I can decide on what to do.
Having been abroad for so long, I’ve been missing a lot of friends. Out of all, I decided to show these people who are the closest to my heart. If not for them, I would have happily stayed abroad and not think of returning ever so often. Not to say, they’re the ones who I can’t bear to leave although the temptation is so great to.
ly! Haha!
t of the time. Not so easy to pacify and getting more demanding.
blems or concerns. 
Don’t worry, I miss your children, I miss you guys too(you know who you are)! I’ve been in this fellowship ever since I came to this church 8 years ago (such a long time ago!). They’re the ones I count on to keep me grounded. They offer me advises based on their view point of life and also on biblical point of view, so I treasure each and every one of them. Due to our work, social, and life commitments, it is rare for us to gather in a big group as shown in the pictures. As such, each gathering is treasured and remembered. God bless each one of them.Exactly after my post of a boring life, my life turns not boring at all. In fact, it all turns into such chaotic situation that I don’t have any time to think and any choices to make.
I can’t really explain too much as this involves my boss’s family matters and again, you never know who’s reading on the World Wide Web.
Something happened to my boss and her family members. The real reason I don’t know also, but it was UGLY! Then, one thing led to another and I ended up staying over at my boss’s condo apartment with two maids and a one year old baby. Yes, I’m moving over here for a few days till my boss can come home. (Can’t say what happened to my boss as don’t want to let the wrong person to read and get scolded by my boss.)
Now, you may think it’s good to live in a condo and have two maids to command. You’re wrong! Moving here is like working 24 hours (which is exactly the point of having me move here) and added to that, I have to deal with some side issues involving the family members. The emotional side of me makes it hard for me to deal with that and it adds to a lot of stress and pressure. Sometimes it even turns scary.
Anyway, I don’t know when I can go home. I have so many church commitments on the days that I’m not supposed to work, i.e Friday nights and weekends, that I’m not sure if I can commit to my work and stay here to help. I know I should help in this situation but I have my responsibilities also in my church commitments. I also enjoy my church things.
Another problem of this situation is that I don’t know if I can tender in my resignation. Actually intended to tender next week when I think I should be able to confirm my plans but now, how am I going to tell my boss? She’s so weak and needs my help now. Me tendering my resignation is like giving her blow after blow. Of course, it’s my life. I can’t be selling my life to my boss. We didn’t even have any binding work contract between us! It’s all just a matter of trust.
Oh boy, this is getting interesting. Hmm… if only every time I wish for something, it comes true and in a short time, like this time, with the interesting life.
Yes, I’m bored. Judging from my lack of entries, you can tell how bored my life is right now. So bored that I don’t have anything to blog about. Which frustrates me greatly. I love to write. I love this blog space for me to write my feelings and thinking out, albeit on limited topics as posting on the world wide web, you never know who’s going to be reading.
Anyway, now that I’m blogging, you may think I have something interesting to share. Well, I do have something up my sleeves but I don’t think it’s the right time to share now. Maybe in a week or two. When it’s more confirmed. When it’s more sure. When I’m not thinking so much about it.
Well, have been thinking of changing jobs for the longest time. Not very long, actually, if you know that I started work only in mid-March. I thought I could take it easy and gain more experience before I start looking for the next job. Not good for resume to be at a job for just a few months. However, circumstances have changed. I don’t like the working environment now. In fact, I hate it. I’m going to go as soon as everything’s confirmed. Well, not go immediately, but at least tender my resignation. Don’t want to be working in this environment. It’s not very good and I don’t want to take sides. It’s none of my business, why should I be in the middle of it all?
Even though I’m close to the big Three-O, I still feel very immature. I get bored easily, I get restless easily, I get ‘hong sim’ very easily! Yes, I do want to settle down, but can’t be just with any Tom, Dick or Harry, right? Have to be the right person. The thing is, when I like a person, the person is not interested. When I’m not interested, another person like me. Not that I have any interest in anyone or anyone is interested in me now. My love life is……blank. So sad. Not really sad lah. That’s the point of doing something different. If I stay in this sphere, in this space any longer, I’ll just remain status quo. Might as well do something about it, right? You don’t know what I’m talking about. Never mind. Will let you know soon enough.
Rachelle
July 10, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Don’t worry, you are not alone. Most of the feelings you are experiencing are very common amongst many people…I’m a victim of it as well - change of job, blank life, feeling immatured..(the list goes on but I shall not elaborate too much on myself..hehe).But whatever it is, if you feel you have the ability to make things better, please do it! Life is too short to have too many regrets right?
Shall wait for your BIG news..:-)
It has been a very long time since I spent a Sunday like this. The Sunday just past, I went to church in the morning and after service, had a meeting for the tuition ministry that’s going to start soon for the 2nd semester. After that, as it was ZC’s birthday, we went for lunch. Not many of us. Only 7 people. By that time, most of the others had left.
Went to have chicken rice at Thomson Road, opposite Novena Church. Very good food. I like it. Not too expensive also. After that went to the Hong Kong Cafe next door to have drinks and dessert. By the the everyone is ready to go, it’s already 5pm plus. Imagine we just finished lunch and it’s already dinner time.
ZC and Zer wanted to shop around for furniture and I was not tired so I decided to walk around with them. They couldn’t find what they’re looking for in United Square. I suggested going to AMK as there’s many small neighbourhood furniture which could be better value for money. So went to AMK. Walked around some more. By 7pm plus, Zer is very tired. We decided to get drinks at KFC and to sit and rest our feet. We were still very full from lunch, so did not want to eat.
Don’t know why, ZC is very ‘hong sim’ that day. He got me to call Dennis. Dennis also doesn’t mind coming down to AMK for a chat. Went to the Mac opposite AMK library. Nice place and atmosphere. We sat there till 11pm plus before going home.
Throughout the whole day, there was a certain topic that we debated about. It’s too complicated and I don’t really want to mislead non-Christians, so not going to post what we were arguing about. It’s a heavy topic and concerns our religious beliefs as well as our social beliefs. Though things can be quite clear cut, there’s a lot of spaces for arguments. Ultimately, it’s how we decide to face up to our actions that has us determining our decisions.
Anyway, I’m glad for the chance to talk to brothers and sisters. It’s been a long time since we spent so much time together, since I missed the church camp. When I first joined this church, this was how we spent every Sunday and I mean really every Sunday. Now that commitments and age has caught up, being able to spend a full Sunday outside is really a gift. Hope to be able to have meaningful time spent with brothers and sisters more often.
In lieu of anything interesting to write recently and I have some free time, I decided to share with everyone the history of my name, or names, as I have a lot of names.
Long before I was born, in fact, before any of my brothers were born too, my parents were just married(or maybe they were not married yet but were getting married soon, not too sure of the details) and had no children yet. My paternal grandfather just happened to pass away at that time. My father, being the oldest son of the family, had to carve down his children’s names on my grandfather’s tombstone(what kind of culture or tradition is that??). Since no actual children were had at that time, my father just came up with a boy’s name and a girl’s name. Now, it also happens that on this day of name carving, my mum was not present and so the names were decided upon by my dad. My dad was English-educated and not very good with Chinese and lo and behold, he came up with 郑春发 for the boy’s name and 郑玲玲 for the girl’s name.
Some time later, my mum got pregnant and gave birth to my oldest brother. Now, my mum wants to name her children herself. She decided to give my brother the name of 郑伟祺. This, translated into English, earned my oldest brother the name of Wekie. However, out of respect for the elders, the name on the tombstone still has to be used, so on the birth certificate of my oldest brother, in English, his name is Tay Choon Huat, Wekie. The Chinese characters written, however, was 郑伟祺 and not 郑春发. When my oldest brother started school, he finds 郑春发 too ‘obiang’ and he used 郑伟祺 as his official Chinese name. This leads to a lot of questions to him as the Chinese and English doesn’t fit.
Next, came my second brother. As he’s not a girl, he can’t possibly use 郑玲玲. My mum decided to follow from my oldest brother’s name and named my second brother 郑伟利. This is again translated into English and my second brother got the name of Willy. So, my second brother is conveniently named Tay Willy, Chinese character 郑伟利. He doesn’t have any problems in using what Chinese names but he doesn’t have a Chinese name in English, if you know what I mean.
Next came me. Thank the Lord it’s a girl and my parents are able to use the girl’s name on the tombstone and so I was named Tay Ling Ling. Again, my mum wanted to name me herself and also to carry on from what my brothers were named, I was given a Chinese name of 郑玮妮. This was translated into Winnie. So, on my birth certificate, like my oldest brother, I was given the English name of Tay Ling Ling, Winnie and Chinese character 郑玮妮.
Now, why wasn’t I, like my oldest brother, using 郑玮妮 when I started school? There’s two reasons for this. One, my mum feels that 玲玲 doesn’t sound as bad as 春发. Two, my mum feels that 玲玲 is easier to learn to write than 玮妮. So, when I was learning to write my name in kindergarten, she taught me to write 玲玲 instead of 玮妮, so the name stuck. When I got older and understood this story, I felt that 玮妮 is a more unique name and wanted to use it but by then, all my certificates and important things are using 玲玲, so it’s too late to change.
From this story, you can see that parents play a big part in what their children are named. My brothers and me have been shaped so much by my parents, even in such a simple thing as a name. Parents! Take note what you teach your children and what you name them!
…since I’ve blogged. Other than being lazy, this lack of blog entries is largely due to the fact that I don’t have my own PC! My only access to internet is when I work. Although I do get lots of free time during work sometimes, I don’t really like to write then. I need lots of time to think and need to concentrate. The fact that someone (gasp, my boss??) may be looking over my shoulder or coming along anytime, just breaks my concentration and I don’t like to do it sneakily. Not that I don’t have anything to blog about. I have so many things in my head that I want to write down, if not for anything, but to remind myself. That’s also the reason that I don’t want to write during short breaks at work. Just can’t do it.
Have recently been to Japan with boss and family. Can’t say I don’t enjoy it, after all, it’s an all-expense paid trip, what’s to complain, right? But given the chance, don’t think I’ll travel with them again. True, I’m there for work first and foremost, so I shouldn’t be thinking about my own enjoyment. But when someone goes on business trip, they do get breaks off from work to enjoy themselves and things like that. But I’m ‘on duty’ 24 hours during the time I’m there! I sleep with the 2 oldest kids and so have to be the last to sleep and first to wake. Real tiring man! Try to do my best and have to listen to complains all the time. Just hard to enjoy.
Anyway, I’ve been getting more and more restless. Just ideas going into my head and I really think I’m going to carry them out soon. Have to do things while I’m still young(I’m not yet 30!) or I’ll regret it in future. Really, nothing much to keep me from doing what I want. True, lots of bills to pay, not enough money, have responsibilities at home. But why am I the only one to care? I may not be more happy, but at least I enjoy what I’ll be doing.
Will update when I’m confirmed with my plans.
Single means you have the time to grow and be the person you want to be. Single gives you space to grow. Sometimes, it is harder to grow when you are too close to someone.
Trees are planted far apart so they can spread their branches and become strong as they mature.
Single means learning to live by yourself. However, that is no more difficult than learning to live with somebody else.
Single means freedom. You are free to spend a week’s vacation on the beach, to take computer courses, to work late on an interesting project, to spend the day in bed with a good book, or simply with a person who has read one.
Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful but learning to live with a man/woman because you want to be with him/her.
Single means that sometimes you will wonder why you will bite your lip and feel wistful and wonder if marriage is better.
Ironically, yet quite happily, single is feeling good about being in control of your life.
It is liking and respecting who you are and why you are.
Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better, it is merely different.
Single means that there could be something wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.
Single means you are free to love again. There are times when we are afraid of telling the person, whom we love or like, what we feel deep inside because we might just lose them.
That’s a big risk… I know. But hey….everything is.
The way I see it is, why keep something inside and then end up regretting it in the near future?
But as I’ve said…. everything is a big risk.
So…whatever you decide to do with your feelings…
whether you tell it to that person or not…
you have to be ready with the consequences that come after it and accept it.
Whatever decisions that you have made in your life is part of your growing experience… part of life.
Whatever decisions that you have to make will influence or affect your future.
So think hard before deciding on certain things.
Have not been blogging for some time. Goes to show how boring my life is currently. Actually, I’ve been quite busy, but I don’t know what I’m busy with. Other than work from Mon to Fri, I have student tuition ministry in church on Sat afternoon and on Sun I attend church. Most of the time, Sat morning is spent catching up on sleep. I’m someone who needs lots of sleep, as I’ve said a lot of times before.
Oh, about the exciting news. Have been wanting to blog about it as soon as I got the news, but delayed till now. It’s that my host mum, Anne who’s in London, she’s pregnant! I was so shocked and excited about it when she told me 2 weeks ago. I really have the urge to fly over and see her and ask all the questions I wanted to know, like how she’s feeling, how the girls are taking the news, what preparations they’re doing for it, etc. Most important of all, I really feel like giving up everything and go over to them to help with the girls and the coming baby, not that they’d asked me.
You know during the British-era, when most British families in Singapore hired ‘mah jies’ or amahs to help them with their housework and children? Those ‘mah jies’ would take the vow of celibacy and work their whole life for these families. The children they take care of often see the ‘mah jies’ as another mother or grandmother. I would do that too for the Lynches, if only they would ask or want me. I can absolutely understand the thinking of the ‘mah jies’ and why they are willing to not marry and take care of other people’s children. This is an easy decision when you work for a good family who treat you well like their own family member. Well, the Lynches did not ask anything of me. As I think of Kara and Brigid and of the new baby(to be born in Sept), I just feel like asking them if they need me. However, I’m sure with them being in London now and everything not sure in the future, they would not be able to make any long-term plans anyway.
Recently, I’m being surrounded by babies and pregnant women. A classmate from university just gave birth and went to see her baby when he’s a month old. Then, got to know about Anne’s pregnancy. Then, Xinqing, a friend from church said she’s pregnant again(for the 3rd time!). My boss is pregnant herself, due in October. Yueping, in the States, is giving birth in July. On Sat, Shiying, gave birth to her first child, a daughter. So many babies, so much happiness all around. But all I can do is to stand around and give them my blessings(which I really do, from the bottom of my heart) while my biological clock is ticking away.
Actually, I would really want a child. I really want a child. Have been thinking of adoption but for the stringent rules governing adoption of children in Singapore. If I’m in USA, I would apply for adoption straight away as a single parent. So, being in Singapore means the next best thing to having a child would be to get a guy, marry and get pregnant. But, where to get this guy? Also, living with someone else who has his fixed habits and faults is difficult. How to find someone who can compromise with me enough to live together and also that we must have the same religion?
My hopes of having a child seems miles away…
to see Kara and Brigid. I really, really miss them very much. Miss their non-stop chatter, miss their hugs and kisses, miss their high-pitch voices that’s typical of young girls. I miss making meals for them, talking to them, playing with them and also scolding them. Ha! I dream of them most nights. I just miss my girls.
I want a computer also. Desk-top or lap-top, whatever. Just a computer I can use to get on internet, store my pictures from digital camera and for basic computer usage. It’s very hard not having internet access as and when I need it. I can’t even get on Skype to talk to Kara and Brigid and see them through web-cam(which is the next best thing to seeing the real thing).
I want an anklet too. Actually I bought one when I went Bangkok last month. But think I overdo with the accessories. The anklet I bought has too many bells and dangly stuff. Makes too much noise. I want a simple anklet with just one bell. Still must have bell, but not too noisy. Perlini’s Silver has limited anklets selection and they’re the only place I can think of that’s affordable for me. Anyway.
Notes to myself on what I want.
‘Is it me?’ I ask myself. No, it’s just human nature. It wasn’t mine from the start and never was. It’s too much to ask for an indefinite wait. Time will erase all memories. Something better will come along. It’s all just part of the package of being on holiday. While a mail says one thing, another mail will say the other, just because, things have changed.
Not that I’m really very sad. Just….I don’t know…disappointed, maybe? Disappointed at how things could change so fast. How I just can’t be the one? Disappointed at how ordinary I am. Well, it’s not that I have to cling to it. That’s all in the past. I’m back to reality. Maybe it’s better this way. Gives me the reason to let go, not to cling on for something that’s not meant to be.
God is always good. This is the way of telling me not to hope against hope. Not to do things that I’ll regret. Yes, I guess being cruel sometimes and being direct is the way to stop all forms of uncertainties. No need for guessing.
I still feel sad about it. Sad for human nature. Sad for the memories. No, I still do not regret it. Just that why do I have to be so imaginative? Why do I have so much hope? I’m allowed to feel sad and down for now. I have this right to. Yes, I do. So, let me wallow in self-pity for now. Let me do it my way…
It’s just a simple 2 words(or three if you say the Korean version).
Recently have been watching Korean shows a lot and I realise that all, and I mean ALL, Korean shows will have this dialogue, ‘Kah Ji Mah’. (Don’t go)
Whenever the male/female lead says this line, he/she would be full of emotion and love in their eyes. Most of the time, they would also have lots to say to the other party but because of circumstances, can’t say it out loud. It’s always this part that touches me the most.
I’ve always wished to be able to have someone who can look me in the eyes and say these 3 words, ‘Kah Ji Ma’ or Don’t go, to me. When I was leaving for US, I wished to have someone say it to me too. I think, if there was such someone, I would gladly give up everything and stay for him. Yes, there’s friends who said it out of uncertainty and worries for me. However, theirs is not the same as when it’s said by a lover. This may be the reason why, now that I’m back, I wish to go away again.
There’s a lot of reason to why I want to go away. The freedom, the friends, the excitement of meeting new people and exploring new places. However, the most important reason for going away is there’s a lack of reason to stay.
Yearning? Craving?
Coincidence? Confidence?
Desire? Loneliness?
Truly? Testing?
Blessings with all my heart.
Hoping from deep in my heart.
It’s all in His hands…
I’m sooo sleepy today! I’m still not recovered from the weekend. Last Sat, in fact every Sat from now on, I have Students Tuition Ministry work in church. After it ended, went for dinner with Janette at LJS. After that, I felt so bored, so asked WJ and Boon out for ktv. We ended up at K box AMK. It was sooo expensive!! The most expensive ktv experience I had so far. Never going to go ktv last minute from now on, especially on a Sat night.
Anyway, we sang till 3am (since it’s so expensive, have to make it worth our money). Then, Boon says she’s hungry so we had supper at S11. In the end, ended up sleeping only at 4.15am. Next day have to get up at 9.30am for church. I was sooo tired by the time I finished lunch. Had actually thought of going bowling, but good thing no one interested, so it was cancelled.
I had a nap of 2 hours when I got home. When I woke up, I was feeling very grouchy. I think I didn’t sleep very well during the nap. Then, I went to bed at night at 12am. Now, I’m feeling so tired and sleepy at work. Worse, I don’t have anything to do to keep me occupied!! My goodness! Tired but can’t sleep and nothing to do. It’s a nightmare!!! I’m just waiting for time to pass quickly so I can go home and rest. *yawn*
my two girls. Recently keep thinking of my 2 darlings, Kara and Brigid. Sometimes I think I dreamt of them, although not too sure about it when I woke up. I miss seeing Brigid hugging her baby, sucking her two fingers. And Kara with her ‘I love you’s and her hugs. Everyday I wish to call London and talk to them. However, they’re not really good talkers on the phone. Also, being on the phone with them, I’m able to hear and feel their lives over in London. Makes me want to be over there with them instead. Always after talking to them, I feel even sadder. So I have to control myself to not call them.
Anne sent me pictures of the girls during their recent vacation to Dubai. They have grown so much in the space of 6 months! Yap, it’s been 6 months since I last saw them in person. Kara has grown very tall. It’s makes me sad that they’re still so happy and able to grow so well even without me. Of course, I’m not wishing for otherwise. I guess with their young age, it’s easy to forget. This is something that I’ve known ever since I’ve learnt to love them back in USA.
I really miss the girls, the Lynchs, my friends and my life back in USA so much. Till now, I still can’t bear to look at pictures of the girls from the many albums I brought back. Even though physically I’ve moved on, what with new job and new schedule, emotionally I’m still not ready to move on.
How I do miss the girls….!!!
Finally able to blog after so long. Well, I still don’t have my own computer. But I have a job now!! Yeah! Congrat me! Not going to talk about my job cos that’s not what this blog is about. Want to know? Ask me lah! Hehe…
Well, from the title, this blog is about my trip to Bangkok last weekend(9-11 Mar). Though it’s just a short trip, it’s been a very, very long time since I went travelling with good friends, and I mean really good friends. Not once during the trip did I feel frustrated or angry or lonely. It’s been a trip that I thoroughly enjoy although it’s very tiring. During my travels in US and UK for the past 2 years, I have been forced by circumstances to travel with either strangers or try to get along with people I don’t really know very well of, that I call friends. While some of the experiences have been good, most of the time, I just feel so lonely. Being with people who don’t really understand you and know what you like or don’t like, it’s just a lot of give-and-take during the travels, which can be exhausting.
During this trip to Bangkok, I’m able to completely relax and let the guys(Dennis and Zhenchuan) plan our itinerary as they’ve been there not long ago and know where to go and where to eat. It’s a very nice feeling also, knowing that they’re my friends and if anything happens, they will try to protect me(as well as the other 2 girls, of course). During my travels alone, it’s everyone for themselves and you have to look out for yourself. If you run out of money, too bad! But during this Bangkok trip, we even borrowed and lent money among ourselves! (Talking about that, I just remembered that I still owe Zhenchuan money for the hotel and air-tickets. Oh well…)
