Reminisc

 I finally found my blog! Actually I remembered that I had a blog but I didn’t know the blog address or where to find it. It was by accident that rediscovered it and also that I can sign in to write and post! I took 3 days to reread all my previous posts. 

My last post was in 2015, when all was not well with me. This blog started when I was in USA as an au pair for The Lynches. It was so nice to read all that I did and my thoughts then. If not for this blog, I even forgot a lot of the things that happened. Even reading some of the posts, I also can’t remember some of things that happened. I also was so naive and happy back then! My thoughts were so naked and simple. It seems like I’m a totally different person now. 

Lots of things happened during these past years and I’m sadly no longer that happy-go-lucky simple girl anymore. I’m also not that God-fearing and church servicing girl anymore. 

The Covid years of 2020-2022 has changed my habits so much so that church going has been the past for me. I hope maybe next year, when the TEL(Thomson East Coast) MRT line is completed, I can start going to church more often. 

I realize this blog is like a diary to me. Seems like nowadays, no one reads blog anymore. But I still can’t be too open on sharing whatever is on my mind here. I can’t rant as much as I did before due to who I work for. Will try to write and share as much as I can so that in the years to come, I have something to look back on. 

I don't think anyone understands...

I hope you never understand what it's like to forget what happiness feels like. 

I hope you never feel like there's no way out of your sadness. 

I hope you never get overcome by numbness. 

I hope you never experience that feeling of pure emptiness. 

I hope you never feel like there is nothing good, or bad, coming around the corner. 

I hope you never feel like you can't imagine there being a future for you. 

I hope you never have to force yourself to appear normal and happy when all you really want is to run and hide and never come out. 

I hope you never understand what it feels like to have to worry that everyone in the world is against you. 

I really hope you never understand what it means to feel completely alone while you're surrounded by people. 

I really, really hope you never understand what it means to want to end it all. 

Because that's what I feel all the time and it's terrible. 

Just leave me alone

I had a look back on my past postings. It has been a long time ago since I was happy. Really happy. I think it's been about 2 years ago. When all was well and all was good. Recently, I realise that I forget how to be happy. I even forget how to be the person that I was. The person that was full of ideas and has believes. 

I used to believe that as long as I'm nice, as long as I treat others well, others will feel it. Now, I don't believe that anymore. Since young, I've been holding on to this belief. I try to be nice. Well, I do have selfish and immature thoughts. But I do try to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good employee, a good friend and a good person. At least I try my best. At what point do people think that it's good enough? No matter how much I try, I always fall short. I fall short of being the ideal daughter, the ideal sister, the ideal employee, the ideal friend, the ideal person. Is this the reason why I'm alone? Because I'm not good enough?  

In the show Grey's Anatomy, the main characters are each other's Person. I think I just want to be somebody's Person.

I gave my best. I opened myself up. Nobody knows as much about me. I do everything with my best to the point that all I live and breathe is this. In the end, I end up with nothing. I try again. I don't give up. But I still get tossed away. I'm still unable to break through. It's not that I'm looking for reciprocates. I guess, I just want someone to care, to really care for me and treat me as I treat the person. I'm unable to handle whatever relationships I have with people now. In fact, I don't really want to. I find myself pulling back. Being nice is not right. Giving my all is not right. Being loyal is not right too. What do I lack that others have? Why am I not good enough?  I really don't know how to behave myself in this thing called Society. 

Dreamless

Given the fact that I have a religion, I try to stay positive. Given the fact that I'm supposed to have hope, I try to keep hoping. Given that I have to keep the faith, I try to remain praying. Given that I have so any other reasons to believe, I try to. Eventually, when night comes and it's time to fall silent and close my eyes, I still find myself going back to the time when. When everything seems so simple, when things seems to be much happier, when life seems to be going well. 

I have not regretted anything and any decisions I made in my life, even those foolish ones, as I'm a firm believer of everything happens for a reason and one thing leads to another. If I didn't make a decision at this point in time, the things that happen after would not happen and thus, I'm not a person who holds regret. However, I constantly find myself regretting the initial decision to jump out of the norm and embark on this journey. I was so innocent and relish simple joys easily then. I do wish I can still be that person. 

Now, I find no real, deep joy in anything. Most of the time, true, I allow myself to be in that state. My previous post writes that people find it much easier to remain in a negative state than to think positively. I do admit that I do that. But how do you find happiness again when you've held on to it and it escaped? How do you let go of something that you want so much, yearn so much for and then to simply just start over again? How do you start over when you keep thinking what went wrong? I'm too tired.

People say, 'Move on!'

 I do not know how. How do you do that when your heart is in pieces? How do you do that when you feel yourself bleeding inside? How do you do that when you still feel enough to cry like it's the first time? The only way to do that is not to feel for others. Not to let yourself get close to others. To protect yourself and distance from all things. To cocoon yourself from the outside world. To put on a front. To tell yourself not to hold on to dreams. That is the only way I know how.

It's a hard way to live. But that's my only prayer - Take me soon.

Depression

Robin Williams died today(or yesterday, to be precise), due to suicide from depression. 

People often said that those who have the courage to take their own lives, would have the courage to live and face whatever is troubling them. This is spoken by people who have not really reached the end of the line for them. They would not know of the despair, the isolation, the hurt and heart-break as experienced by someone who decided to end it all. Those in depression thinks about taking their lives everyday, constantly. The fact that they live on through each day, is courage in itself. Even those who appears 'normal', you don't really know the sadness behind their smiles. Have you taken a closer look into their eyes and realise that they hurt? Have you tried to apply yourself into their situations and realise that to them, it was all that they had? Someone taking their own lives and succeeding at it in the end, must have really felt so terrible that they just wished it all to stop. To stop the pain; to stop trying, to stop finding the gold at the end of the rainbow. How very sad that person must be at that point in time to choose this path! 

I did a bit of research and found that being an illness, people can be addicted to being depressed. Yes. It's really so much easier to think of everything gloomily rather than getting your hopes high, being positive, and then have it all crushing down again. There's just so much that a person can take. 

I know, because I'm facing it now. 

Star Awards 2

I realised I didn't show the pictures I have from Star Awards 2. Totally love being there and interacting with so many 'stars'! Thank you to JP who took the pictures for me as she knows that I like some of the stars. I'm most of the time too over-whelmed and shy with so many stars there that when taking the pictures, I have only one big silly grin on my face. Don't look at me. Look at the 'stars'.

From left: Jesseca Liu, Priscilla Chan, Me, Lin Mei Jiao, Pan Ling Ling, Yvonne Lim, Cai Peixuan, Jin Yin Ji

The very nice Pierre Png! I miss him!

With Joanne

With Rui En

With Jesseca Liu

With Felicia Chin

With Fann Wong and Christopher Lee

With Chen Li Ping

There's still a lot more others that I took, mostly with the male stars. Decided to just enjoy the photos myself. Haha! Anyway, I have to state again how grateful and blessed I am to be able to get to rub shoulders with all these stars. It was a wonderful night!

Baking

Since I have more time now, I've renewed my interest in one of my favourite past-time - baking. Actually my interest in baking started when i was in the States. My host dad likes to cook and they have everything needed to cook or bake, from baking dishes, casserole pan, pots, pans, measuring cups, etc. Most important of all, they have two, TWO big ovens in the kitchen, which is like a baker's heaven! So, I started experimenting with recipes that are shown on boxes and cans and progress slowly to the secret recipes of my host parents'. When I came back home, I realise that I only have a small oven at home. There's no measuring spoons, measuring cups or baking things. I had to slowly buy them and accumulate them as I make different things. My family and friends have been my guinea pigs whenever I bake anything. So far, other than my mum who doesn't like things too sweet, the feedback has been very positive! Hehe! Here are some of my experiments:

Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Very yummy but I guess presentation needs working on. The shredding of the carrot takes a lot of work too!

I made this for JP's birthday as I didn't know what to buy as present for her. I initially test made another big chocolate cake for her but it was a really fudgy cake that melts when being out on the outside for too long, so I thought of this one which is easier to make and easy to bring out too.

I made this just the day before. A friend of mine loves cheesecake and I bought the crust very long ago that I decided to use it. I found a really simple to make recipe and it turned out very good! But it's sort of too plain. I would want to try other variations of cheesecake next time, like blueberry, oreo or chocolate.

Fellowship @ Macritchie Reservoir

It has been a long time since we had a fellowship outing. I was absent from both church and fellowship activities for the past two months or so because of work. So, I'm happy to be back to attend some of the programs of the fellowship. I think I speak for all when I say that it was an enjoyable program. The weather was nice and since it's in the evening, no scorching sun shining down on us. There's supposed to be a photography contest but I realised that my lousy camera didn't take any great pictures. I had fun just taking pictures for keepsakes though. So, just sharing.

XQ and her youngest, Nathan, who just woke from a nap, hence the grumpy face.

The beginning of the board walk we're going to do.

View of the reservoir from the board walk.

I'm still trying to digest this quote.

With Pastor Ho's daughter, Deborah. She looks like she's getting away from me!

Sunset

Star Awards 1

I was able to attend the recent Star Awards because of work. Very blessed that I was able to be at the frontline and see the whole show and production first-hand. Learned a lot from just being there. Although I shouldn't be, a lot of the time, I was star struck with seeing so many celebrities there, especially those celebrities whom I've known since I was young. However, since I should be working, most of the time, these feelings are just OS inside my head! Haha! So you can imagine how much I 'talked' to myself that night.Won't mention too much about the show but one complain is that the production team should have done more for the others who have to be present. There's no arrangements made for people like the managers, assistants or helpers who have to be there. Some of these people may or may not be employed by mdc, but they should still be treated nicely. My feeling was that these people are being kicked around like nobody's business when they're the people who are the closest to the celebrities. The thing is, the celebrities didn't know a thing about it because no one would say anything. I admit guilt as I didn't do anything too. Well, maybe someday....

Anyway, a couple of pictures to show. Didn't take many as my camera's not very good and I was working! Thanks to JP for taking the pictures for me with the dudes!

The TV Theatre with invited guests.

The fans from various celebrities' fanclubs sit on the 2nd level.

Some of the celebrities. Who can you see?

With Elvin Ng

With DYT.

Envious? Jealousy?

Sadness is the greatest feeling of all...

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My life

Words are an expression of my feelings...

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Passion

Every time we hear about those people who are successful, they will say that their passion in what they do help them to become what they are today. Those same people,depending on their field, will say that they have a passion for helping people, being with people, listening to people, etc. However, I really wonder, while these people seems to be making big money and very successful in their chosen career field, how really passionate they are about those who really mean something to them. People like their friends, relatives, parents, siblings, spouses and children. These are the people who really matters, to my way of thinking. You can have a passion for helping people to succeed, but do you even have the passion or patience to even listen to what your children are telling you? What your friends are trying to say?

In a lot of ways, whenever someone committed suicide, the close friends and relatives around them will express shock and surprise. Why is this so? Is it really that the victim really does not display signs of taking this route or that people around them are not paying close attention enough? I do not believe that a person committing suicide would just decide one day that they're going to do it. It will have passed through their minds way before they actually do it, even if it's just a fleeting thought. If the people around them pay close attention enough, it can be spotted or the victims may even give up the thought of taking this final route.

There's more stress in this day and age when everything should be much easier on our lives. Many people are suffering below the surface but when you said you are successful because you have the passion to succeed, what about the one passion that matters most? What about having enough passion to care for those that you care about? Or are you only passionate about making money and being successful in your career?

Europe trip - Day 4

Sorry, have been too lazy to blog. I decided to blog about the rest of my trip soon, as I feel that I'm losing the small details gradually. So, here goes!

On the 3rd of June, a Wednesday and also the fourth day of our Europe trip, I actually didn't plan on doing anything or going anywhere. We got back late from London the night before and although we slept in, I was thinking of relaxing a little and to spend time with the girls. However, when D asked me if we're doing anything today, for want of something to say, I said that we're considering going to Windsor Castle as it was heavily recommended by A. (It is another residence of the Queen outside London. She lives there most weekends.) We just are not sure how to go there and back. On hearing that, D immediately went into search mode and looked up the internet on the buses to take, routes the buses take, the timings, the costs of the buses, the opening and closing hours of Windsor Castle, etc. He said he could drive us to Windsor but we would have to take the bus back ourselves. There was a lot of researching going on and although at that point WJ and I were still undecided on going, on seeing that D was doing so much for us, we don't feel good to say that we're not going in the end and so end up making a last minute trip to Windsor Castle.

By the time we reached the town of Windsor, it was close to or about 2 plus in the afternoon. Wj and I had a late breakfast and since D didn't offer us any lunch, we didn't have any at the house. We stopped at a diner in town to have fish and chips for lunch before going up to the castle. Not the best fish and chips in London but passable. We also shared a plate of pasta which tasted funny. I think they cook with wine, which made it too sour. The normal paste has tomato sauce, which is sour too, but a tangy sour but this wine taste makes it just sourish. Anyway, not my favourite.

It was a 10-15 mins up to the castle from the town of Windsor. WJ and I took a slow stroll, taking in the shops along the way. By the time we reach the entrance of the castle, it was already 3 plus. There was a free audio tour available to all visitors and we took advantage of it. We took tons of photos just from the entrance to the middle of the castle. There was nice guard there we told us to hurry up to go into St. George's chapel as it was close to closing time. D highly recommend us to go into St. George chapel and so we rushed inside quickly.

St. George's chapel is really very interesting, with the stained glasses and many past Kings and Queens (including the Queen Mother!) buried inside. The only pity thing is that we aren't allowed to take pictures, so I can only rely on my memory to remember the things I saw inside. Both of us enjoyed the chapel and took sometime inside to really look at everything. The audio tour was a very big help in explaining all things and their histories.

When we came out of St. George's chapel, we walked up to the main castle itself, intending to go see the Queen's doll house and the apartments. When we past by the main courtyard, the same guard again told us that we have to hurry up as they're going to close the apartments soon too. So, it was another rush for us to go into the dolls' house and Queen's apartments. Everything inside the apartments were very interesting, and allows us to peek into the lives of the royals, past and present. Again, the rule of no photo-taking applies and we just have to content ourselves with the audio tour.

After the touring of Windsor Castle, it was about 5 plus. D gave us detailed timing for the buses back and I do want to get back early to at least play a little with the girls before they go to bed. So, we went in search of the bus-stop. It was quite easy to find but the next bus is some time away so we did a little window shopping. The bus journey home was actually not long and if everything goes well, we could be home in an hour, which gives me plenty of time to spend time with the girls. However, just as we were getting out of the town of Windsor, there was a traffic jam along the expressway. This took about 20 mins and screwed up the timing for our connecting bus. We again had to wait a little for the connecting bus as we missed the earlier connection and this was where our adventure of the day came.

The bus taking us back to the town of my host family will stop at a bus-stop along a street that I'm not that familiar with. D told me the name of the store to look out for and WJ thought she was being helpful by pointing out some landmarks. All these and my anxiety led to us getting off way too early. The moment we got off the bus and it drove off, we saw the sign that the town we're supposed to be in is int he opposite direction and by asking a passerby, we know that it is too far away to walk. So we had to take the next bus. The problem was, the next bus is not until 30 mins later. It was a cloudy day and the temperature was getting lower and we don't fancy waiting around in the middle of nowhere for the bus, so WJ suggested we walk down to the next bus-stop so at least we have some thing to do. And so we start our long trek. One alternative we could do was that we could call D to pick us up but I didn't want to disturb whatever D is busy with the children and also we don't really know where we are exactly, so it's quite pointless.

It was cold and dangerous and fun all at the same time. Both of us zipped up our jackets and walked along the road where cars were zipping past very fast. We past by two bus-stops and decided to stop at the third one as by the time we stopped there, the next bus was due to come soon. So we paid another two pounds each (the first bus cost us four pounds each). This time, when it was time to get off, I decided to open my mouth to ask whether it was the right one, regardless of being embarrassed. And so we got home safely and full of adventures to tell. WJ and I were saying if we were going to tell D about our stupidness and I was so embarrassed about it and was contemplating whether to tell when I got home. However, the moment D saw us all wrapped up and asked if we were cold, I could not find a suitable enough excuse and spilt everything out. He didn't make too much of a fuss and we were spared the embarrassment. Well, at least it gives us an added memory to this trip.

Costs for the entrance of Windsor Castle. Very expensive!

In the courtyard of Windsor castle

St. George's chapel

With nice view from the castle down into town

Europe trip - Day 3

On the third day, which is 2nd June, Tuesday, it is the day that I planned for us to go into London city itself. I have been there and done all the touristy stuff. That means I've seen Westminster, Big Ben, Parliament House, London Eye, London Bridge, Tower Bridge, Tower of London, etc, etc, etc. But because it was the first time that WJ is in London, I had to bring her to see all these 'must-see' and 'must-do'. If I were alone, I would probably not make the trip into the city and thus saving the train fare.

Anyway, we took the 9.50am train into London city. Our first stop is the Palace on Westminster. From the guidebook and D's recommendation, we thought that there will be a changing of horse guards parade at 11.30, so we headed there, intending to see the parade. When we arrive there, we read from one of the boards that there is only a changing of guards instead of a changing of horse guard parade. The changing of guards parade took place at 11am and it was a very, very short one. Although we were there during the changing, we didn't realise that that was the only parade for that day, so we missed it. But we managed to take pictures with the guards and horses that were on duty there.

One of the horse and it's guard.

With one of the guards on duty

The palace where we saw the horse guards

After taking the necessary pictures, since we were already in the area, we walked over to the River Thames and took pictures of the Parliament House and Big Ben, London Eye and the River Thames itself. It was fun to show WJ all these famous things though I think she's not that overly interested in them also.

London Eye

Me and WJ with Parliament House and Big Ben as background

When we were done with all the photo taking, we headed over to Leicester Square to check out ticket prices for musical shows. London's West End is so famous so watching a musical is a 'must-do'. There were many choices, all falling within the budget that we set. WJ was very mindful of what A, my host mum, told us the night before and so decided to watch 'The Lion King'. According to A, the show has very good performance and props, so much so that K and B enjoyed the show thoroughly when they went to watch it, so we decided to take the safe route and watch it as well. It was time for lunch after buying the tickets, so we decided to look for a place to eat. I wanted WJ to try the Fish and Chips of UK but I've never actually ate it in London itself, so I'm not sure where to go for good F&C. The restaurants around Leicester Square serves them but they're quite upscale restaurants that we really can't afford them. We walked around a little, at the same time looking at souvenirs and after asking the owner of a souvenir shop, we headed down an alley and found a restaurant offering a 2-course meal for a reasonable price. It was not bad and a good deal, so we took the chance to have a good sit-down meal and also to rest our weary selves.

After that, we had intended to go for 'The London Experience' offered on the guidebook. It was supposed to be a tour where we were taken on London Bridge and to the London Dungeon where they claimed to be the 'scariest attraction' in London. When we got to the place where we had to get tickets for this, there were people dressed in their characters and the first person gave me a bad feeling and WJ didn't care for it either. So, we changed out minds and decided to head down to the Tower of London instead, although I did that before. I was very reluctant to pay to go in again but there was this 2-for-1 deal that comes with our train tickets so it makes it a little more affordable.

The walk from London Bridge station to the Tower of London brings us across the Tower Bridge and is some walking distance. It was the first time that I'm on Tower bridge itself, so it was quite cool but the walk really tires us out. Before we went to buy tickets for the Tower of London, we stopped to have a drink (the weather was surprisingly hot and sunny that day - not typical London weather) and have a look-see at the gift shop. By the time we went to buy the tickets, it was 3.40pm. I realised that the Tower (which is actually a castle) closed at 5pm and that the last tour given by the Yeoman guards was at 3.20pm, which we already missed. The Yeoman guards tell very good stories about the past of the castle, what happened in there and some sordid tales, so touring the Tower without the tour given by the guards really makes it very much less interesting, so we decided to not go into the Tower.

Tower Bridge

Tower of London

Since we have some time before the theatre show starts and before we need to have our dinner, I decided to bring WJ to Oxford Street to see the 'Orchard Road' of London. It was not as I remember it plus we had a long walk that day, so both of us were quite tired and not interested in shopping. We decided to have an early dinner and to give both of us plenty of time to enjoy our dinner, instead of rushing in the end. We consulted the guidebook that offers 2-for-1 meal deals and decided to go to one that doesn't look expensive and is near the theatre that we were going to watch the musical. It was a fantastic restaurant, with good food and great service. It was a nice meal and to end off the evening, 'The Lion King' is a very good show to watch. The opening was great and engaging. It kept the children (and adults alike) in the theatre occupied most of the time. We got back to my host family's place near to midnight.

WJ and her meal

Me and my meal

Lyceum Theatre, where 'The Lion King' is staged

Europe trip - Day 2

WJ and I slept for nearly 12 hrs for the first night in London. The next day, we actually didn't plan for any programs as I thought of spending some time with host family, namely the girls, and also to get over any jet lag we may have.

We had a big breakfast that D made in the morning. It was kind of awkward in the kitchen as I know my way around the kitchen but at the same time, I'm no longer living with them, so I didn't want to appear to be too imposing by just opening cupboards and rummaging for food in the fridge. D asked if we would like to have omelette since he's clearing up things in the kitchen, so we agreed. It was kind of embarrassing that we just sat and waited around for him to make our breakfast and serve us.

Anyway, after breakfast, I brought WJ to walk around the town of Beaconsfield, just to see what shops there are. We also want to check out how far it is to walk to the bus-stop that we have to go to when we want to take the bus to Heathrow airport as we're taking the bus ourselves to the airport on Sat. It was just window shopping and to see what things there are to buy in the local clothes store, shoes store, etc. It was also to see the way of life of suburb London.

WJ took a nap in the afternoon and while I was feeling tired too, I couldn't sleep in the afternoon. When the girls came home from school, I went to talk to them a little. They had a short rest and had to go to church for their bible class. The girls requested that I bring them to church, which is only a 5 mins walk away, so I agreed. After that, I went to bring them home again an hour later. A came home earlier for us and we had dinner. D knew that I love the baked salmon he made so he prepared it especially for me, together with his home-made mash potatoes. It's true that I like the baked salmon he made. In fact, I think it's the only salmon that I will eat as I don't eat raw salmon and normally won't order fish when eating outside. WJ was very impressed with the mash potatoes D made. She thought it's made from the powder kind and was very surprised when I told her D made it from scratch with real potatoes as the mash potatoes are very smooth. So, she now knows how good D is in cooking. Haha!

We didn't go anywhere for this second day, so there's no pictures taken. I will show some pictures of the house of my host family in London.

View of front of the house from third level guest room

View of the back of the house. The swings, slides and play-house came with the rented house

Guest room WJ stayed in

Guest room I stayed in

Europe trip - Day 1

Ok, I've been procrastinating for a week now to do my photos for the Europe trip. I shall try from today to sort the photos out and also blog about the trip so I can remember about it in future. In order that I don't a very, very long post (it's a two weeks trip), I'm going to blog about it day by day, so check out my blog till I'm done with all two weeks of it. However, I may not be updating it everyday. Too many pictures to sort out, from my camera, as well as WJ's, so it's double the time. Be patient with me.

I'll start with day one of our trip. We flew off on 31st May (Sunday) morning and reached London at 3.30pm (UK time). A brought K and C to the airport to fetch us. D and B were at a birthday party of B's friend. It was wonderful to see my host family after so long. K was not shy with me at all. She recognised me immediately at the airport and ran to hug me. C was very shy but curious too.

We took a bit of a longer time to get back to the house as A said there was a traffic jam on the expressway that we're supposed to take to get back so we have to go by another way. However, she's not very good with directions and in the end the trip back home became a road trip to see a little of London's suburbs.

When we got to the house, B came to the front door to meet us. She recognised me (thanks to Skype) but was a little hesitant to run to me. She came eventually and I was so happy and surprised by how much she has grown! Later, when I asked her, I realised that B doesn't really remember much about what we did in Fairfield, USA when I was with the family. She was too young then, I guess. K was still able to remember me and some of the neighbours and friends she had there.

After a dinner of BBQ chicken that D cooked, they gave me a surprise birthday celebration. Actually, I knew that they're going to celebrate for me because they told me on my actual birthday. D made a cake for me and the children were very excited to get to eat cake for desserts.

My birthday cake made by D. My favourite chocolate flavour!

Presents! For me! And cards made by K and B.

Me with the three children. B and C are holding my presents.

B, me and K

Dutch - the best doggy in the world

Nerves and excitment

It's another two days before I get on the flight to London. I don't know why, but this past week I had been in such excitement and was very nervous. Even when I sleep, I was also thinking about what would happen when I meet my host family in London, when I see A in Germany and when I meet V in Switzerland. People would think that I've never travelled or never been to London. I guess the reason is because this is the first time I travelled to meet friends. In the past, it has always been travelling just to travel, for enjoyment, for leisure. Now, I'm going to meet friends in each of the countries that I'm going to. This is especially true for meeting my host family.

As I've said before, I want to see my host family again but at the same time, I fear seeing them. I want to see them because I miss them so much, especially K and B. Also, I've not met the new addition to the family, C, so I want to meet him and shower my affections on him just as I did to K and B. However, it has been a few years since I left the family and I fear that the girls would not be as affectionate and close to me as before. Of course, I did prepare myself and tell myself not to expect too much. There's bound to be changes and differences and it's something that's inevitable, so I have to accept it. My memories has always been at the stage of when I was with the family in USA. The girls, being so young, forget easily, so they would not remember much about the times with me, so I really can't expect them to be as close to me as before. My host parents are also so cool people that I think that while they're hospitable and happy to see me, I'm still an outsider and can never be treated the same as with their family members. Well, I expect that I'll be very emotional to meet them at the airport but they'll be very cool about it, so in the end, I will also pretend to be cool about the whole thing too. You know, I've not been so excited about meeting people ever in my life. Not even when, five years ago, I decided to go to the USA to be an au pair all alone. I wasn't scared or nervous then. I guess that's because I went with an open mind, not ecpecting anything. When there's no expectations, there's no disappointment. Now, I already know the family and I know what I could have, so there's expectations, so I fear the disappointment of what would not be.

This is also the first time that I'm planning a whole two weeks' of vacation all by myself. WJ has not been too much help as she's easy-going and she's not been to Europe at all before. Anywhere I go or bring her, she's fine with it. But Europe is such a big place and everywhere is nice to go, so I have some trouble planning for it. The last time I went backpacking in Europe, I was riding on the coat-tails of R and Y, who planned everything; where to stay, where to eat, where to go. This time, I'm entrusted with this task and my fear is that WJ may not like what I like. I only hope that she'll enjoy herself.

Well the time to board the plane is near (Sunday!) and I hope this trip will be fun and uneventful, that everything will go well. The other day, I was thinking that I'm so full of anticipation for this trip, when I come back from the trip, I'll be in depression as I'll have nothing to look forward to. The expenses for this trip is also staggering and much more than what I planned for at first so I have to think of ways to earn it back. My stand to pursue my ideals may be a losing cause and I've been toying with the idea of giving up and just go look for a job, a boring office job, all for the sake of money. I gave up all these before as I don't see the satisfaction of working for others, at a job that only makes the rich, richer while I slog so much just for that monthly pay. But reality is closing in and the financial situation may be something that forces me to give up all these ideals and join the rat race. When I start doing that, people would stop looking at me as a loser and I would probably be able to walk with my heads up again.

感动

因为‘流星花园’我感动得接受一个错的人。今天，因为韩版的‘流星花园’我再一次被感动。但是，我身边连一个错的人也没有。

无奈


原以为心已死，但我发现，我还是渴望和相信爱情的。

期待

Post birthday celebrations and thoughts

I wanted to blog about the happenings these few days because I'll be flying to London next Sunday (yay!) and I'm not sure I would find another time to blog till I come back from the trip.

So, I celebrated my birthday on Wed with the girls. WM couldn't make it as she was busy with work. Sometimes I feel that she's so absorbed in earning money and relationships that she takes us friends for granted. Many a times, when we did meet up, it's always to accommodate her timings and schedules. For goodness sakes, she can't even remember when my exact birthday was! So much for being friends for 17 years. Was kinda disappointed that she didn't turn up but what to do. Anyway, I decided to have dinner at Chomp-chomp. Had been a long time since I ate there and I miss eating all these hawker fares. Also, I need to save up for the Europe trip, so I choose not to eat at restaurants. It was a quick dinner affair. YJ was rushing to go home to finish up some work too. WJ and I walked and waited around Serangoon Gardens, in hope that WM would be able to meet up for a bit after she finished with her client but alas, she still couldn't make it.

On Friday, I met up with K. She's a senior from my JC days. I can't say that we're very close but we do try to meet up once or twice every year for both our birthdays. Actually, we played a trick during our JC days on those friends who knew us. We pretended to be sisters. Even those friends of hers who knew her were taken in by us. So, till now we sort of maintained a relationship of 'sisters'. Well, I was the one who thought of her as an older sister. I wasn't sure if she still wanted me as a younger sister. So on Friday, while we were having dinner, she told her friend on the phone that she was having dinner with her god-sister, I was very happy. In fact, I was so happy by this comment that I kept replaying in the whole night. It really nice to maintain a long friendship and it's not easy to maintain a friendship with someone like me as I tend to be on the quiet side. However, I think Friday's dinner went well as we managed to update each other on the happenings of the past year and also a little on relationships. This friendship/sister-ship is something that I treasure very, very much and I'm so glad that K also is willing to maintain this relationship.

Next, comes to today, Sunday. I was very busy. After worship, there's a tuition ministry meeting. It also happens to be the farewell luncheon for our conductor. He has been posted to work at another church and so will end the one-year internship with our choir. Me, being the choir chairman, definitely has to be present at such an occasion, although I would like very much to have lunch with my fellowship members. Hence, I took off halfway after the tuition meeting and went for the farewell party. It happens that the cafe we went to was overwhelmed by our presence and took a long time to get ready the lunch orders. Since I'm the youngest member in the choir, I was feeling a little bored and left out. So, when J smsed me to ask me for lunch, I immediately agreed. So, I had to leave the choir's farewell party, amidst a chorus of nagging and teasing. But was I so glad to be with people whom I feel very comfortable with and happy. My fellowship's people are those that I can talk with and because they have children and babies, I feel very happy to be with them too.

One of the brothers, a father of two, kept asking me how I learned to carry babies and whether I learned it before. They even teased that I must had given birth to a child before to be so good with babies/children. I'm also not sure why I'm so good with babies. I guess it's because I really like them. Since young, I've always liked babies. When I see babies, I would look at them with longing and would play with them. I always asked my parents to give birth to a younger sibling so I can 'play' with him/her but well, my parents decided to stop at three. When I was ten, my aunties started forming their own families and I had younger cousins to 'play' with. I guess all my babysitting skills came from there. I was observant and learned a lot from just watching. Believe it or not, prior to going to USA, I've never had a real chance to change diapers. I only had seen it countless of times and know the theory of it. But when it came to the first time to change diapers for Brigid in USA, I had no problem as I went through the same motions lots of times in my head. That's how I work. I go through things in my head and try to improve it and see what's feasible or not. As to carrying babies, I guess it's just like driving. I face it heads-on. I know that I like carrying babies and in order to get the chance to carry them, I have to be good at it, so as to gain the trust of the parents. If I'm bad at it, I would not get a second chance, so I have to make sure that I am good. Hence, it all comes down to confidence. But don't get fooled by me. Sometimes I do get panicky and don't know what to do in my heart but I don't show it on my face. It's the same when I'm driving. I do get scared by some situations but I appear calm and nonchalant on the surface, so many thinks that I'm very confident and skilled in driving.

Well, it's quite a long post. I have another birthday dinner tomorrow night but it may not be something to blog about. We'll see. If not, the next post would be on my Europe trip. Stay tuned!

The big three-O club

I'm officially into my 30s! Actually I did nothing special on my birthday today but just wanted to blog it down for memory's sake. I was very happy to receive all the sms wishes. After so many years, I sort of know who are the ones who's going to wish me who will not remember at all. I'm especially happy to receive the sms wishes of those friends whom I've known for a long time (more than ten years). To be able to keep in touch with them for such a long time is something I treasure and the friendship is even more important than my birthday.

I had wanted to wake up early today and go out to do things or eat things that I enjoy as a treat to myself. But I played MH on Facebook till 5am the night before and thus wasn't able to wake up till 2pm. I decided to just go AMK hub and watch a movie by myself to celebrate. I also had to take passport photo of myself so I can renew my IC. This IC thing is causing me so much trouble. I had only these two weeks to get it done and collect it before I leave for my two weeks of Europe trip but they only gave us a month's notice. So many things to get done before my trip, so everything was rushed.

Anyway, I watched 'Angels and Demons' by Tom Hanks, based on the book by Dan Brown. I've read both the Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons while in USA as my host dad had the books. I thoroughly enjoyed both books. However, I was very disappointed by the movie version of 'The Da Vinci Code' as I feel that it doesn't show the thinking process and details that are felt from the book. This time, the movie version of 'Angels and Demons' did not fail me. It was very good! As I read the book a few years ago, the story was a little vague to me but as I watched the movie, the story came back to me and I know what's going to happen next and who the bad guy is. Despite that, I was practically sitting on the edge of my seat throughout the whole movie as it really was very exciting. The director was able to convey the suspense well this time. Also, as I myself have been to Rome and the Vatican City, where the book/movie was set, it was nice to see all the places that I've been to. The places are so familiar and it's always fun to know what the whole movie was about. But I really wonder whether the scenes of the Vatican City are real or a movie set. Should be a set lah, can't be the Pope allows Hollywood to shoot movies at Vatican City, right?

Ok, that's how I spent my thirtieth birthday all by myself. Looking forward to London in one and a half weeks' time. I already miss my host family very, very much and really can't wait! Woohoo!