Nerves and excitment

It's another two days before I get on the flight to London. I don't know why, but this past week I had been in such excitement and was very nervous. Even when I sleep, I was also thinking about what would happen when I meet my host family in London, when I see A in Germany and when I meet V in Switzerland. People would think that I've never travelled or never been to London. I guess the reason is because this is the first time I travelled to meet friends. In the past, it has always been travelling just to travel, for enjoyment, for leisure. Now, I'm going to meet friends in each of the countries that I'm going to. This is especially true for meeting my host family.

As I've said before, I want to see my host family again but at the same time, I fear seeing them. I want to see them because I miss them so much, especially K and B. Also, I've not met the new addition to the family, C, so I want to meet him and shower my affections on him just as I did to K and B. However, it has been a few years since I left the family and I fear that the girls would not be as affectionate and close to me as before. Of course, I did prepare myself and tell myself not to expect too much. There's bound to be changes and differences and it's something that's inevitable, so I have to accept it. My memories has always been at the stage of when I was with the family in USA. The girls, being so young, forget easily, so they would not remember much about the times with me, so I really can't expect them to be as close to me as before. My host parents are also so cool people that I think that while they're hospitable and happy to see me, I'm still an outsider and can never be treated the same as with their family members. Well, I expect that I'll be very emotional to meet them at the airport but they'll be very cool about it, so in the end, I will also pretend to be cool about the whole thing too. You know, I've not been so excited about meeting people ever in my life. Not even when, five years ago, I decided to go to the USA to be an au pair all alone. I wasn't scared or nervous then. I guess that's because I went with an open mind, not ecpecting anything. When there's no expectations, there's no disappointment. Now, I already know the family and I know what I could have, so there's expectations, so I fear the disappointment of what would not be.

This is also the first time that I'm planning a whole two weeks' of vacation all by myself. WJ has not been too much help as she's easy-going and she's not been to Europe at all before. Anywhere I go or bring her, she's fine with it. But Europe is such a big place and everywhere is nice to go, so I have some trouble planning for it. The last time I went backpacking in Europe, I was riding on the coat-tails of R and Y, who planned everything; where to stay, where to eat, where to go. This time, I'm entrusted with this task and my fear is that WJ may not like what I like. I only hope that she'll enjoy herself.

Well the time to board the plane is near (Sunday!) and I hope this trip will be fun and uneventful, that everything will go well. The other day, I was thinking that I'm so full of anticipation for this trip, when I come back from the trip, I'll be in depression as I'll have nothing to look forward to. The expenses for this trip is also staggering and much more than what I planned for at first so I have to think of ways to earn it back. My stand to pursue my ideals may be a losing cause and I've been toying with the idea of giving up and just go look for a job, a boring office job, all for the sake of money. I gave up all these before as I don't see the satisfaction of working for others, at a job that only makes the rich, richer while I slog so much just for that monthly pay. But reality is closing in and the financial situation may be something that forces me to give up all these ideals and join the rat race. When I start doing that, people would stop looking at me as a loser and I would probably be able to walk with my heads up again.