Sunday 15 February 2015

Dreamless

Given the fact that I have a religion, I try to stay positive. Given the fact that I'm supposed to have hope, I try to keep hoping. Given that I have to keep the faith, I try to remain praying. Given that I have so any other reasons to believe, I try to. Eventually, when night comes and it's time to fall silent and close my eyes, I still find myself going back to the time when. When everything seems so simple, when things seems to be much happier, when life seems to be going well. 

I have not regretted anything and any decisions I made in my life, even those foolish ones, as I'm a firm believer of everything happens for a reason and one thing leads to another. If I didn't make a decision at this point in time, the things that happen after would not happen and thus, I'm not a person who holds regret. However, I constantly find myself regretting the initial decision to jump out of the norm and embark on this journey. I was so innocent and relish simple joys easily then. I do wish I can still be that person. 

Now, I find no real, deep joy in anything. Most of the time, true, I allow myself to be in that state. My previous post writes that people find it much easier to remain in a negative state than to think positively. I do admit that I do that. But how do you find happiness again when you've held on to it and it escaped? How do you let go of something that you want so much, yearn so much for and then to simply just start over again? How do you start over when you keep thinking what went wrong? I'm too tired.

People say, 'Move on!'

 I do not know how. How do you do that when your heart is in pieces? How do you do that when you feel yourself bleeding inside? How do you do that when you still feel enough to cry like it's the first time? The only way to do that is not to feel for others. Not to let yourself get close to others. To protect yourself and distance from all things. To cocoon yourself from the outside world. To put on a front. To tell yourself not to hold on to dreams. That is the only way I know how.

It's a hard way to live. But that's my only prayer - Take me soon.

No comments:

Post a Comment