Going home...or not...
I have a friend from Germany who went back to her country recently. We were quite good friends and kept in touch through emails. She told me that she had a re-culture shock when she went back home from USA. She’s been here for 14 months. She said she had some difficulties adjusting back to her life styles in Germany. That got me thinking about what will happen when I go home. I guess I will feel the same way that she does when I finally go home from the states. I will be worse, because when I do go home, I’ll be away from home for a little more than 24 months. Two years. Two consecutive years of my life spent away from home and not even going back once. Most of the other au pairs have been home at least once, even when they just came here for a year.
I can also feel myself getting used to the life here. It’s easy to get comfortable here when I’m so sheltered with my host parents. I don’t have to worry about food, gas, paying the bills, and other troublesome affairs that my other S’porean friends have living alone here in NY. I go out as I please, knowing that a car is always there for me to drive and no gas bills to worry about! Doing laundry here is so easy too because they have a dryer! No laying the clothes out on bamboo poles, taking them out, worrying about the weather, bringing them in, etc. You wash your clothes now, you can get them clean and dry at most 2 hours later. I also have my own big room(with a queen size bed!) and my own bathroom. This is something I’ve been dreaming about since I was young, as I grow up in a 3-room flat with two older brothers. My own bathroom is something I’ve always wanted. That’s why I keep my room here neat and tidy. Not messy. My mum would be shocked to see my room here, as compared to my room at home in S’pore.
These are just material things, I guess. But convenience is something that you learn to depend on after some time. It is also something that is the hardest to get yourself out of, especially for a lazy person like me. But I also thought of all that I’m missing back home. I love channel 8 programs, what’s more, now they have channel U too with the same station. I love 93.3FM. I love Chinese pop songs. When I first came here, I will try to keep myself updated with the programs and songs through the internet, but I realised that I will not be able to watch the shows and that make me very frustrated so I stop checking them out. But a few days ago, I checked them out again and seeing those familiar faces(although they’re our local stars) just tugged at something in my heart. I just am looking forward to going home now.
Having said that (and thought of that), I started having dreams the past few nights. Can’t remember what I dreamt about but I know it’s about things that goes on in S’pore when I go home. And I know that the dreams are the reason why I don’t sleep well at night and why I feel so tired during the day. I guess I can look forward to going home, but I’m still scared of what changes I’m going to face when I go home. Will I still be close to my friends? Will I really be a changed person? Will I be able to adjust to life at home? It’s silly to think that 2 years can change 25 years of living at home, but it’s 25 years(or almost) of wishing to get out of that home. So, I guess any change is good. But friends are my biggest concern now. I’ve been trying a lot to keep in touch, though only with few successes. I really hope I won’t be a changed person. I want to be the same Winnie that I am when I came, just with more experiences, more stories to tell and older by 2 years.
I hope I won’t have the dreams again tonight. Sad to say, the dreams about going home scares me a lot. They really do keep me from falling into a deep sleep at night and the after-dream feeling is not a warm one. It’s a disturbing one. Why are there so many paradoxes in life?
Almost wanted to give up. Had so much problems with signing in and was so frustrated that i didnt want to leave comments already. Just to assure you, no worries. Your friends will still be here and in fact, we would be more than happy to hear of your experiences. And i honestly cant believe you stayed away for more than 2 years….thats sooooo long. wow….you must miss the laksa, the char kway teow, the carrot cake, satays…..call me if you want to meet up…ie, when you have settled down back in SG properly.
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