After Alaska trip feelings

This is an entry that I’ve written on paper when I was eating alone at Chili’s Too restaurant at Alaska International Airport immediately after the tour was over. Sounds sad and desperate. Have been debating on whether to blog it online since it’s very, very personal. Decided to do it but NOT after this disclaimer.

This entry reflects my feelings at that time, but I’m okay now. Does not mean
I’m unhappy all the time.

"Friends come and go. Here I have made a few more new friends in a week. 7 days, to be exact. But at the end of the crossroad, no one really feels that sad about leaving. About leaving me. I did not leave any impressions. Not in the way I want it anyway. I did not forge any long-lasting friendships. Who would contact me personally? No one. NO ONE!! I like to be alone sometimes. But I really enjoy being in the company of good people too. Why wouldn’t people give me the chance?

I’m too quiet. Too quiet for people to be comfortable around me. All I want is just friendships to last a lifetime. Why is it so hard? I guess to be able to find really good friends that understand you and all your ideas is very hard. To be able to find friends who are comfortable with my silence is harder.

I’m feeling sad. Sad by the fact that in time to come, Sean who not even remember who I am. Maybe I left an impression. The wrong impression. The impression that I’m weak and quiet. I don’t even know the right topics to talk to him about! And with just that, I said ‘bye’ to everyone. Not even a ‘bye’ to Sean. How sad it is!

A week in Alaska just leaves me with a bunch of pictures and some memories. In years to come, when the memories fades, maybe I won’t even remember these people too. But it’s just so sad to forge friendships, eat together, sleep together, play together and then pretend that nothing special had happened in your life. Why do I have to be so sentimental? Nobody really cares much for me. Why do I care so much? Why do I even bother to be sad? All this is just part and parcel of life. So what if no one bothered to keep in touch? I would not be better or worse off than I am now.

I’m but a passerby in this place, time and country. Nothing is going to change by my being here or by my leaving. What do I matter?

I’m lonely. I’m lonely. I’m so lonely that I enjoy just having a good meal by myself. Actually I don’t enjoy it. I just want to pretend that I do. Deceiving myself? Yes! But that’s what lonely people do, don’t they?

I want someone to eat with me, someone to talk to me, someone to fly with me, someone to travel with me, someone to be with me. The more I travel, the lonelier I feel. What’s all these for when I can’t share it with anyone? I should be happy, but deep down, I’m not. I would gladly exchange everything now just to have a stable life. And someone to share laughters with, someone to share good food with, someone to share my thoughts with, someone to run to cry to, someone who just enjoys being with me, even without any spoken words. When will that come? When will I learn to be content?

Being away is a form of escape. escape from feeling, escape from reality, escape from the fact of how lonely I am. Friends can only be there for you for so much. Not 24/7, not always thinking of you, not all the time. If I’m destined to be lonely alone, I hope I can always find the means to escape."

Comments are not allowed. It was how I felt during the time when I just left the group and waiting for my plane. Any comments now would not console or do anything for when I felt that time. Also, since it’s so personal, I would prefer no mention about it when you talk to me. It’s just some random thoughts in my head. Would blog about my Alaska trip later!