My CNY weekend

I had a very quiet Chinese New Year. This is the 2nd time in my whole life that I don’t have ‘ba kua’ to eat, no ‘ang pows’ to receive and no friends and family by my side during this very important and noisy period. I called home several times during these few days just to say my wishes to my mum and my relatives in the house and to see what’s going on back home. Didn’t realise that I will miss cny so much. Last year was not so bad.

On Sat, I went in to NYC to try to spend some time with my S’porean friends and wishing we can have our own celebration here so far from home. However, things are not what I expected. Everyone is busy and has their own things and programs. Didn’t get to eat the expected Chinese dinner I wanted. I only got to see Sylvia that day. She had some relationship problems and I had to spend the whole day with her. Well, it was good too. I had wanted to see her new apartment and I got to do that! So, it wasn’t too bad. I was actually tired too, so not doing anything much is good for my lazy bones too. Haha! Sometimes just spending time with a good friend is nice too. I haven’t done that in a long time. Just talking and even being quiet is acceptable too as we know each other well that words are unnecessary.

On the way home from NYC, I called church friends in the train. They passed the phone from one person to another and I got to talk and wish each one individually. It was a nice feeling. Last year when I did that, I felt so lonely after I hang up the phone. I can hear through the phone that it’s so noisy and happy mood over there while I’m preparing to go to bed here! This time, every one will ask me when I’m going to be back and I can say with confidence that I’ll be back in Oct! Really looking forward to going back and spending time with them. They are the ones who keep me level-headed and makes me feel so loved and happy. Not that my other friends don’t do that, just that I spend more time with them, so they know more about me.

On Sunday, I went to church and nobody there Even knows that it’s Chinese New Year that day. I came home and had to work a little with the girls and Dan had to attend a funeral. They gave ‘ang pows’ to the girls and me that night. To them, an ‘ang pow’ is a symbolism of blessing, so the money inside are just a token sum, so they only give USD2 inside. For me, instead of giving me money this year, they gave me a phonecard inside the ‘ang pow’, for me to call my friends and home. Haha…Was touched by that. The phonecard has a value of USD40. Really very nice of them.

When I listen to 933 on the net, they still play cny songs. They’re still having holidays and cny mood back in S’pore, but here, everything is back to normal now. I’m really looking forward to going home in Oct. Spending Christmas, CNY, birthday, every holidays with my friends and family…

Cooking...

Yesterday I received a package from Jason and Shelen. I was so happy to see my ‘big’ name on the package. Everyday, when I go take in the mails, I always look through them, hoping to see anything with my name on it. Even the month bank statement from the bank make me happy sometimes. Haha…Crazy.. I guess I’m hoping to see something that shows that I’m being remembered by my friends or family. Sadly, it’s few and far in between. Anyway, Jason and Shelen sent me a card, and ingredients for making ‘zui kuay’. When they came over from Texas the week before Christmas, we talked about our cooking experiences here and they knew that I like ‘zui kuay’, so they sent it to me. Really very touched by their gesture. They sent me some package spices to make chicken rice and curry chicken. I really am very happy! Finally authentic food of Singapore!

Today, I tried to make the ‘zui kuay’. Anja, my au pair friend from Germany came for a playdate and I let her try it. I don’t think she likes it. She was polite and just said that the taste is strange to her, so she really can’t say whether it’s good or not. Hahaha…I know it’s strange. The ‘cai po’ that Jason and Shelen sent and bought from Texas tastes different from what we had in S’pore. I guess can’t ask for too much. The ‘zui kuay’ itself is good though. Maybe next time I try to eat it with soy sauce or chilli sauce. I still will eat with ‘cai po’, but maybe not put too much.

During my stint year in USA, I really cooked more than I did during my whole life time in S’pore. What to do. You want to eat something, you have to cook it. Since I’m in Connecticut, there’s not many Asians here. The Chinese restaurants are mostly Hong Kong taste. They’re also Americanised, after a few tries initially, I stopped eating them because the menu is mostly the same - those that the Americans like, like sweet and sour chicken/pork, Sesame chicken/pork, broccoli, etc. Every restaurants have the same dishes with not much variety. Now, I learn to cook stir-fry bean sprout with carrots, red bell pepper, broccoli and luncheon meat, onion omelette, fried rice, and now ‘zui kuay’!

Actually I lost weight initially when I came here, but now I gained back the weight!! boo hoo…I just love eating so much. My host mum just this week went on the South Beach Diet. I wanted to follow also, but Chinese New Year is coming, I hope to at least eat a little more before I go on the diet. When on the diet, the first 2 weeks is for cleansing, so you can’t eat a lot of things, like rice, pasta, white bread, corn, carrots, potatoes, anything with sugars(including fruits), etc. After the 2 weeks, you can introduce some things back into the diet but things like rice and pasta are really no-nos as they’re too rich in carbs. These are the so-called ‘bad’ carbs. The main motto of the diet is not to eat less and exercise. It’s to differentiate between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ carbs and follow the diet for the rest of your life to keep your weight. Of course, after you reached your desired weight, if you want to indulge occasionally, you can do it. It’s really up to you how you want to live your life.

Frankly, to me, if having to live your life being so restricted, it’s just such a waste of time. I rather eat whatever and then just exercise to keep them off. Well, of course, when you exercise, you can not keep up with the calories that you eat, but I try my best. Just hope to not be too fat when I get back home. S’pore is full of thin girls. Really very stress for me. Here, I’m considered petite. Gives me a false sense of confidence. Everyone says I’m ok and I know that I’m within the healthy range of my BMI. But in s’pore, all those bean-pole thin girls makes me feel so fat!! Of course, I’m not making too much effort also. If a guy only looks at my surface, then he’s not worth it.

Life is a constant struggle…

Volunteering

I just went volunteering with the Bridgeport Rescue Mission. It’s basically just following a group of volunteer workers out on their van and go to a poorer part of the city to give out food to anyone who’s hungry. We gave out 58 dinners in just like 10-15 mins. Can you imagine the number of hungry folks out there? This is especially so because it’s now the end of the month. Most people would have spent all their social security benefits or salary and have no more money for food either for themselves or for their children.

Although the part of the city that I went to is a poorer part, the people there are not really that poor. Not in such a state that I would call destitute. However, when I see an abled bodies man or old man just standing in line to get free food, I would ask myself what sort of circumstances would force a man to put down his self-esteem and line up for free food? These people(mostly African Americans) have warm clothes to last them for the cold winter. At least they’re not like being frozen to death(the mission give away jackets, coats and socks too for anyone who wants/needs it). I’m reminded that I live in the richest state of America and frankly, there’s poor people here too, but I see worse situations out West than here in the East. Even just in NYC, the people there are much worse than here. During the cold spell 2 weeks ago, 2 homeless man have died from the cold.
I don’t think I’m doing much just to go out once a week to feed these people. But I have to remind myself that no matter how small my contribution is, it comes from the bottom of my heart and I really sincerely want to do something for the less fortunate than me.

The other time I went to volunteer with Habitat For Humanity, where they help to build houses and offer low house loans to the poor. I really can’t do much as building houses is really not what I’m into. I know nuts about it. Really felt helpless then when I was helping. Those present can’t teach me much as they have to try to meet deadlines in handing over the houses to the people. But I salute these people who give up part of their time on a regular basis every week or even everyday to help whenever they can.

Actually, another of my ambition or fantasy is to be a full time volunteer in developing countries, just helping those who have lesser than me. But I still have parents who needs me. I have responsibilities to fulfill. And, I think, deep down in my heart, I still long for a family of my own and to settle down. Hmm…I think the first fantasy is easier to fulfill…Haha!

Vacation

I was reading my friend, Karen’s blog( (http://hushiekaren.blogspot.com)the other day and I realised that her blog is very interesting to read. This is even though she posted one almost everyday about her life in NYC. Even when she’s just talking about everyday life and thoughts, it’s just so interesting and funny and just feels so good to read. I wish to do that and post more often about my thoughts and life here, but whenever I get to the writing part, it just seems very boring and uninteresting. Maybe I’ve always been a private person and posting my everyday thoughts out to the world wide web just seems so unsafe and a very big step. I know that most of my friends read what I wrote and I just feel so naked to expose myself to them. It makes me feel vulnerable! Haha!

My host family told me that they’re going for vacation in the middle of Feb. It’s a family get together time so, they’re not bringing me along. I’ll have about 5 days off then. I wish to plan my own vacation but I just can’t get the right ‘kakis’ to go with me!! Since it’s winter now, I wanted to go skiing up in Vermont(about 4 hours drive from my house), since I’ve never did that before and this is my last winter here. My best friend here, Bere, is from Mexico and she’s a big shopper, so she spent all her money already and can’t go with me. The other au pairs that I’m close to do not have the same off days as me, so it’s pretty hard to ask them to go with me. Sigh…I would have gone by myself but a vacation is always more fun with friends and it’s cheaper to share the costs!! In the end, I think I’m just going to stay at home to look after the dog and invite some friends over one night and I’ll cook dinner for them. That’s fun too.

I went to watch ‘Pride and Prejudice with Bere last Sat. It’s a very nice show! I like it a lot! I’m a sucker for such love stories. Poor girl caught the attention from a rich gentleman without even doing anything to impress him. She’s just being herself and made him fall in love with her through her candidness, intelligence and her naturalness. I wish I could be someone who can be as comfortable with myself as her. I’m too ordinary a girl and too conscious of making an impression to be able to catch the attention of anyone rich, handsome, and great. Well, actually just someone nice would be good. Such a great love affair! I tried to read the book before the movie but it just bore me to tears(and I’m a big reader!). The movie is so much better. I totally recommend it if you’re someone who believes in plain old romance and romantic notions, like me…

What do people know about Singapore??

Actually I wanted to keep my blog as a way of venting my frustrations whenever I feel upset, depressed, sad or happy. You know, those extremes feelings that I can’t express verbally except the best way I know - to write(or rather, type) it down. However, my host parents just bought a PC for the home few days ago, so now I have access to the internet and computer 24/7. This is great news and I love it!! So, since I save time by not going to the library to use the internet, I have lots of time just to browse the net. I really enjoy reading my friends’ blogs so I thought maybe I should just write down my days’ happenings and feelings more often. After all, I have the access!!

I think I’m addicted to the computer now. I can just sit here for the whole day if permitted. They have cable access after all, so it doesn’t really cost extra just to log on the whole day. Most of all, my motive for sitting here for so long is to listen to 933 on the internet radio. It gives me my dose of S’pore and Mandarin pop that I miss so much ever since leaving my dear country almost 15 months ago. I don’t know how to stop myself. When I’m with the girls, it really takes a great restrain on me to not just sit them down for a movie while I sit myself in front of the computer. :Þ

Last night I went for a meeting with a meet up group from the net. We went for a restaurant that claims to sell South-East Asian cuisine. Well, it isn’t so authentic anyway. It’s been Americanised to suit the tastes of the customers. Food is good, really, just not authentic for me to praise it. Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to comment on. Most of the time, when I meet new people and they know that I’m from S’pore, the next question would be, "What language do you speak in S’pore?". I would start giving a funny face and then stammer, "Err…English? And because I’m a Chinese, I speak Mandarin and a little of other Chinese dialects myself." This would be followed by a look of surprised(and sometimes shock) on the people’s faces. They would always follow by, "No wonder you speak very good English". At this point, I always get embarrassed, don’t know for S’pore’s lack of it’s own culture or for the other people’s lack of knowledge.

Most people have heard of Singapore and know about it but you’ll be surprised how much they know the details about it. The language thing is one. Another is where, geographically, we are. I had someone ask me before where in China Singapore is. Duh!!?? Also, they don’t know that we have different races living within one country and we live peacefully with one another! When I say we have Chinese, Malay, Indian and Eurasians living in Singapore, they would get confused with what’s a Malay race and we’re not Chinese from China?? I really have to brush up a lot on my heritage. I tried to read up a little about my country in order to teach these ignorant people. Indeed, when back home, we do take our country for granted and think that being so modernised and all, people would know about us. Surprise, surprise! Little did I know…

Well, I’m proud to be a Singaporean and I admit it. Never will I give up my Singapore citizenship for a US one, or even the greencard, for that matter. As stated before in my other blog. I won’t want to live here forever. Singapore may have it’s faults, but no one’s perfect, right?

Going home...or not...

I have a friend from Germany who went back to her country recently. We were quite good friends and kept in touch through emails. She told me that she had a re-culture shock when she went back home from USA. She’s been here for 14 months. She said she had some difficulties adjusting back to her life styles in Germany. That got me thinking about what will happen when I go home. I guess I will feel the same way that she does when I finally go home from the states. I will be worse, because when I do go home, I’ll be away from home for a little more than 24 months. Two years. Two consecutive years of my life spent away from home and not even going back once. Most of the other au pairs have been home at least once, even when they just came here for a year.

I can also feel myself getting used to the life here. It’s easy to get comfortable here when I’m so sheltered with my host parents. I don’t have to worry about food, gas, paying the bills, and other troublesome affairs that my other S’porean friends have living alone here in NY. I go out as I please, knowing that a car is always there for me to drive and no gas bills to worry about! Doing laundry here is so easy too because they have a dryer! No laying the clothes out on bamboo poles, taking them out, worrying about the weather, bringing them in, etc. You wash your clothes now, you can get them clean and dry at most 2 hours later. I also have my own big room(with a queen size bed!) and my own bathroom. This is something I’ve been dreaming about since I was young, as I grow up in a 3-room flat with two older brothers. My own bathroom is something I’ve always wanted. That’s why I keep my room here neat and tidy. Not messy. My mum would be shocked to see my room here, as compared to my room at home in S’pore.

These are just material things, I guess. But convenience is something that you learn to depend on after some time. It is also something that is the hardest to get yourself out of, especially for a lazy person like me. But I also thought of all that I’m missing back home. I love channel 8 programs, what’s more, now they have channel U too with the same station. I love 93.3FM. I love Chinese pop songs. When I first came here, I will try to keep myself updated with the programs and songs through the internet, but I realised that I will not be able to watch the shows and that make me very frustrated so I stop checking them out. But a few days ago, I checked them out again and seeing those familiar faces(although they’re our local stars) just tugged at something in my heart. I just am looking forward to going home now.

Having said that (and thought of that), I started having dreams the past few nights. Can’t remember what I dreamt about but I know it’s about things that goes on in S’pore when I go home. And I know that the dreams are the reason why I don’t sleep well at night and why I feel so tired during the day. I guess I can look forward to going home, but I’m still scared of what changes I’m going to face when I go home. Will I still be close to my friends? Will I really be a changed person? Will I be able to adjust to life at home? It’s silly to think that 2 years can change 25 years of living at home, but it’s 25 years(or almost) of wishing to get out of that home. So, I guess any change is good. But friends are my biggest concern now. I’ve been trying a lot to keep in touch, though only with few successes. I really hope I won’t be a changed person. I want to be the same Winnie that I am when I came, just with more experiences, more stories to tell and older by 2 years.

I hope I won’t have the dreams again tonight. Sad to say, the dreams about going home scares me a lot. They really do keep me from falling into a deep sleep at night and the after-dream feeling is not a warm one. It’s a disturbing one. Why are there so many paradoxes in life?

Kid

January 10, 2006 at 9:55 pm

Almost wanted to give up. Had so much problems with signing in and was so frustrated that i didnt want to leave comments already. Just to assure you, no worries. Your friends will still be here and in fact, we would be more than happy to hear of your experiences. And i honestly cant believe you stayed away for more than 2 years….thats sooooo long. wow….you must miss the laksa, the char kway teow, the carrot cake, satays…..call me if you want to meet up…ie, when you have settled down back in SG properly.