Dreamless

Given the fact that I have a religion, I try to stay positive. Given the fact that I'm supposed to have hope, I try to keep hoping. Given that I have to keep the faith, I try to remain praying. Given that I have so any other reasons to believe, I try to. Eventually, when night comes and it's time to fall silent and close my eyes, I still find myself going back to the time when. When everything seems so simple, when things seems to be much happier, when life seems to be going well. 

I have not regretted anything and any decisions I made in my life, even those foolish ones, as I'm a firm believer of everything happens for a reason and one thing leads to another. If I didn't make a decision at this point in time, the things that happen after would not happen and thus, I'm not a person who holds regret. However, I constantly find myself regretting the initial decision to jump out of the norm and embark on this journey. I was so innocent and relish simple joys easily then. I do wish I can still be that person. 

Now, I find no real, deep joy in anything. Most of the time, true, I allow myself to be in that state. My previous post writes that people find it much easier to remain in a negative state than to think positively. I do admit that I do that. But how do you find happiness again when you've held on to it and it escaped? How do you let go of something that you want so much, yearn so much for and then to simply just start over again? How do you start over when you keep thinking what went wrong? I'm too tired.

People say, 'Move on!'

 I do not know how. How do you do that when your heart is in pieces? How do you do that when you feel yourself bleeding inside? How do you do that when you still feel enough to cry like it's the first time? The only way to do that is not to feel for others. Not to let yourself get close to others. To protect yourself and distance from all things. To cocoon yourself from the outside world. To put on a front. To tell yourself not to hold on to dreams. That is the only way I know how.

It's a hard way to live. But that's my only prayer - Take me soon.

Depression

Robin Williams died today(or yesterday, to be precise), due to suicide from depression. 

People often said that those who have the courage to take their own lives, would have the courage to live and face whatever is troubling them. This is spoken by people who have not really reached the end of the line for them. They would not know of the despair, the isolation, the hurt and heart-break as experienced by someone who decided to end it all. Those in depression thinks about taking their lives everyday, constantly. The fact that they live on through each day, is courage in itself. Even those who appears 'normal', you don't really know the sadness behind their smiles. Have you taken a closer look into their eyes and realise that they hurt? Have you tried to apply yourself into their situations and realise that to them, it was all that they had? Someone taking their own lives and succeeding at it in the end, must have really felt so terrible that they just wished it all to stop. To stop the pain; to stop trying, to stop finding the gold at the end of the rainbow. How very sad that person must be at that point in time to choose this path! 

I did a bit of research and found that being an illness, people can be addicted to being depressed. Yes. It's really so much easier to think of everything gloomily rather than getting your hopes high, being positive, and then have it all crushing down again. There's just so much that a person can take. 

I know, because I'm facing it now. 

Star Awards 2

I realised I didn't show the pictures I have from Star Awards 2. Totally love being there and interacting with so many 'stars'! Thank you to JP who took the pictures for me as she knows that I like some of the stars. I'm most of the time too over-whelmed and shy with so many stars there that when taking the pictures, I have only one big silly grin on my face. Don't look at me. Look at the 'stars'.

From left: Jesseca Liu, Priscilla Chan, Me, Lin Mei Jiao, Pan Ling Ling, Yvonne Lim, Cai Peixuan, Jin Yin Ji

The very nice Pierre Png! I miss him!

With Joanne

With Rui En

With Jesseca Liu

With Felicia Chin

With Fann Wong and Christopher Lee

With Chen Li Ping

There's still a lot more others that I took, mostly with the male stars. Decided to just enjoy the photos myself. Haha! Anyway, I have to state again how grateful and blessed I am to be able to get to rub shoulders with all these stars. It was a wonderful night!