Failure…

I’m super pissed off and in a bad mood right now. In fact, I was like this for the whole of today. I went for the MOE interview this morning. It did not go well and I guess there goes my chances of EVER becoming a teacher. Well, I did indicate that I wanted to teach ENGLISH subjects and NOT CHINESE! Why do they offer that to me in the first place?? When I said I’m not confident in teaching Chinese, I was being honest. I could have lied and said I’m very happy and comfortable! I already said I’m willing to put in the effort!!

Singapore is such an Elitist country and society. If I really do not get it this time, I don’t care what any Pastor says. I’m going to do WHATEVER I WANT. Of course it’s not something bad. Just that I tried my best to do what seems the best course of action but I’m just not given the chance! Just because I don’t and can’t go to a local University. Just because I don’t get good results. I’m condemned. Never mind all my passion. Never mind all my experience. Never mind all my enthusiasm. Bulls**t!!!!

I’m just so pissed off that I’m not given the chance to prove myself. I get so much pressure from being at home and just being in Singapore. Today after the interview, I went to watch ‘Sex and the City’ alone. Watching it made me miss NYC so much. The snow scenes especially made me nostalgic. Falling snow. How peaceful. How beautiful. How wonderful. It made me miss the independence, the freedom and the life I had there. I totally would trade anything to be able to lead my own life right now. You know, when I was in USA, whenever it snowed at night, I would sit in the dark in my room, open the window and just stare at the falling snow. Yes, it’s cold to open the window, but I just wear thicker clothes. It is the most peaceful when it’s snowing. Everything is so quiet (even if it’s snowing in the day time). I love that quiet. Yes, I used to cry a little missing my friends at home when I was staring at the snow, but at the same time, I was enjoying the moment too. I knew that I would not be able to see it forever. I only get to see it for two seasons. I’m glad I did take the time to enjoy that.

Anyway, back to the point. I tried. And if I failed, too bad. I will pray very hard. I really hope God hears. Pray for me too because I’m at road’s end.

给妈妈的信

I had wanted to bring my mum to church during the parent’s day celebration. She wanted to go back to Malaysia and be with my aunts and uncles. I mentioned before that Pastor Phua let us have some time to speak to our mums after the worship. If my mum had been there, this is what I would have told her:-

‘妈，你常说我们从来都没有送你礼物。其实我长久以来，都在尝试送你一份礼物，就是救恩的礼物。一直都很希望你能接受。可是你都拒绝。那天，林牧师说我们能给父母最好的礼物，就是救恩。我完全同意。有了救恩，并不代表问题都会解决，问题会没有，但我相信你会有平安。你一直说我们没有了解你，你又何尝有了解我们呢？我真的希望你能够尝试来了解我，了解我的坚持，了解我为什么要坚持。’

This is something that I would never say to my mum face-to-face. Just keep praying….

29th birthday

Have been feeling rather bored recently. The only highlight of the week was my birthday on Monday. It was Vesak Day, a public holiday. Just as well, the fellowship decided to have a program on that day. Turn out wasn’t as good as thought because many people backed out at the last minute. Good thing was that most of those with families are there. The babies and children are always a good source of entertainment. This time, we went for bowling at Yishun Safra. It was fun. Though I don’t bowl very well, but since it has been a long time since I last bowled, it was something new and it’s always good and exciting to be doing new things. It made me want to go bowling again.

Actually, most of the fellowship brothers and sisters know that it’s my birthday that day. XQ and family even bought me a present. Noelle was so excited to give me the present. Haha. XQ told me that she picked the present but the wrapping paper was picked by Noelle. Nice. Not too bad design. The sad thing was that the dinner program was not joined by many people. Most of them has other commitments and had to leave. I was quite sad. However, WX and the rest surprised me. Think they told the people at the restaurant to celebrate my birthday at the end of our dinner and they restaurant played the birthday song heard by EVERYONE at the restaurant. Every patron at the place was like singing birthday song to me. That was soooo embarrassing. I felt like a 5 year old. Haha.

Well, other than that, it was nothing much about my birthday. Family, we’re used to not celebrating any occasions. When I woke up, no one was at home. The thing that disappointed me the most was that the Lynchs forgot my birthday. They remembered last year and even sent my presents and cards from UK. This year, they forgot. Not that I want any presents from them. But at least a phone call would be nice. I even logged on to Skype at night just to give them a chance to call me but even though they are shown to be online, they did not try to call me. It was only the next day that I received an e-card from them. Very obviously sent very last minute loh. Must really thank internet and technology. If not, will not even get an e-card.

Sigh, maybe I shouldn’t place so high an emphasis on the Lynchs anymore. They have moved on with their lives. I should too. Like what Anne said before, ‘The time at Fairfield was a good time and was fun, but now it is time to move on and let them but their own family.’. She’s right. I was not family and never will be. Who am I to demand that they always remember about me. Although the girls are very important to me and I love them so much, they were never mine and will never be mine. They’re so loved by their parents and their families, they don’t need me. Perhaps I should move on too. My thoughts are always filled with my time in Fairfield. Even little things that happened then are stilled remembered very vividly. They may be the best years in my life but they’re not the only years. I still have more memories to look back on and better memories to create.

Well, maybe. Maybe it’s time to let go.