Nerves and excitment

It's another two days before I get on the flight to London. I don't know why, but this past week I had been in such excitement and was very nervous. Even when I sleep, I was also thinking about what would happen when I meet my host family in London, when I see A in Germany and when I meet V in Switzerland. People would think that I've never travelled or never been to London. I guess the reason is because this is the first time I travelled to meet friends. In the past, it has always been travelling just to travel, for enjoyment, for leisure. Now, I'm going to meet friends in each of the countries that I'm going to. This is especially true for meeting my host family.

As I've said before, I want to see my host family again but at the same time, I fear seeing them. I want to see them because I miss them so much, especially K and B. Also, I've not met the new addition to the family, C, so I want to meet him and shower my affections on him just as I did to K and B. However, it has been a few years since I left the family and I fear that the girls would not be as affectionate and close to me as before. Of course, I did prepare myself and tell myself not to expect too much. There's bound to be changes and differences and it's something that's inevitable, so I have to accept it. My memories has always been at the stage of when I was with the family in USA. The girls, being so young, forget easily, so they would not remember much about the times with me, so I really can't expect them to be as close to me as before. My host parents are also so cool people that I think that while they're hospitable and happy to see me, I'm still an outsider and can never be treated the same as with their family members. Well, I expect that I'll be very emotional to meet them at the airport but they'll be very cool about it, so in the end, I will also pretend to be cool about the whole thing too. You know, I've not been so excited about meeting people ever in my life. Not even when, five years ago, I decided to go to the USA to be an au pair all alone. I wasn't scared or nervous then. I guess that's because I went with an open mind, not ecpecting anything. When there's no expectations, there's no disappointment. Now, I already know the family and I know what I could have, so there's expectations, so I fear the disappointment of what would not be.

This is also the first time that I'm planning a whole two weeks' of vacation all by myself. WJ has not been too much help as she's easy-going and she's not been to Europe at all before. Anywhere I go or bring her, she's fine with it. But Europe is such a big place and everywhere is nice to go, so I have some trouble planning for it. The last time I went backpacking in Europe, I was riding on the coat-tails of R and Y, who planned everything; where to stay, where to eat, where to go. This time, I'm entrusted with this task and my fear is that WJ may not like what I like. I only hope that she'll enjoy herself.

Well the time to board the plane is near (Sunday!) and I hope this trip will be fun and uneventful, that everything will go well. The other day, I was thinking that I'm so full of anticipation for this trip, when I come back from the trip, I'll be in depression as I'll have nothing to look forward to. The expenses for this trip is also staggering and much more than what I planned for at first so I have to think of ways to earn it back. My stand to pursue my ideals may be a losing cause and I've been toying with the idea of giving up and just go look for a job, a boring office job, all for the sake of money. I gave up all these before as I don't see the satisfaction of working for others, at a job that only makes the rich, richer while I slog so much just for that monthly pay. But reality is closing in and the financial situation may be something that forces me to give up all these ideals and join the rat race. When I start doing that, people would stop looking at me as a loser and I would probably be able to walk with my heads up again.

感动

因为‘流星花园’我感动得接受一个错的人。今天，因为韩版的‘流星花园’我再一次被感动。但是，我身边连一个错的人也没有。

无奈


原以为心已死，但我发现，我还是渴望和相信爱情的。

期待

Post birthday celebrations and thoughts

I wanted to blog about the happenings these few days because I'll be flying to London next Sunday (yay!) and I'm not sure I would find another time to blog till I come back from the trip.

So, I celebrated my birthday on Wed with the girls. WM couldn't make it as she was busy with work. Sometimes I feel that she's so absorbed in earning money and relationships that she takes us friends for granted. Many a times, when we did meet up, it's always to accommodate her timings and schedules. For goodness sakes, she can't even remember when my exact birthday was! So much for being friends for 17 years. Was kinda disappointed that she didn't turn up but what to do. Anyway, I decided to have dinner at Chomp-chomp. Had been a long time since I ate there and I miss eating all these hawker fares. Also, I need to save up for the Europe trip, so I choose not to eat at restaurants. It was a quick dinner affair. YJ was rushing to go home to finish up some work too. WJ and I walked and waited around Serangoon Gardens, in hope that WM would be able to meet up for a bit after she finished with her client but alas, she still couldn't make it.

On Friday, I met up with K. She's a senior from my JC days. I can't say that we're very close but we do try to meet up once or twice every year for both our birthdays. Actually, we played a trick during our JC days on those friends who knew us. We pretended to be sisters. Even those friends of hers who knew her were taken in by us. So, till now we sort of maintained a relationship of 'sisters'. Well, I was the one who thought of her as an older sister. I wasn't sure if she still wanted me as a younger sister. So on Friday, while we were having dinner, she told her friend on the phone that she was having dinner with her god-sister, I was very happy. In fact, I was so happy by this comment that I kept replaying in the whole night. It really nice to maintain a long friendship and it's not easy to maintain a friendship with someone like me as I tend to be on the quiet side. However, I think Friday's dinner went well as we managed to update each other on the happenings of the past year and also a little on relationships. This friendship/sister-ship is something that I treasure very, very much and I'm so glad that K also is willing to maintain this relationship.

Next, comes to today, Sunday. I was very busy. After worship, there's a tuition ministry meeting. It also happens to be the farewell luncheon for our conductor. He has been posted to work at another church and so will end the one-year internship with our choir. Me, being the choir chairman, definitely has to be present at such an occasion, although I would like very much to have lunch with my fellowship members. Hence, I took off halfway after the tuition meeting and went for the farewell party. It happens that the cafe we went to was overwhelmed by our presence and took a long time to get ready the lunch orders. Since I'm the youngest member in the choir, I was feeling a little bored and left out. So, when J smsed me to ask me for lunch, I immediately agreed. So, I had to leave the choir's farewell party, amidst a chorus of nagging and teasing. But was I so glad to be with people whom I feel very comfortable with and happy. My fellowship's people are those that I can talk with and because they have children and babies, I feel very happy to be with them too.

One of the brothers, a father of two, kept asking me how I learned to carry babies and whether I learned it before. They even teased that I must had given birth to a child before to be so good with babies/children. I'm also not sure why I'm so good with babies. I guess it's because I really like them. Since young, I've always liked babies. When I see babies, I would look at them with longing and would play with them. I always asked my parents to give birth to a younger sibling so I can 'play' with him/her but well, my parents decided to stop at three. When I was ten, my aunties started forming their own families and I had younger cousins to 'play' with. I guess all my babysitting skills came from there. I was observant and learned a lot from just watching. Believe it or not, prior to going to USA, I've never had a real chance to change diapers. I only had seen it countless of times and know the theory of it. But when it came to the first time to change diapers for Brigid in USA, I had no problem as I went through the same motions lots of times in my head. That's how I work. I go through things in my head and try to improve it and see what's feasible or not. As to carrying babies, I guess it's just like driving. I face it heads-on. I know that I like carrying babies and in order to get the chance to carry them, I have to be good at it, so as to gain the trust of the parents. If I'm bad at it, I would not get a second chance, so I have to make sure that I am good. Hence, it all comes down to confidence. But don't get fooled by me. Sometimes I do get panicky and don't know what to do in my heart but I don't show it on my face. It's the same when I'm driving. I do get scared by some situations but I appear calm and nonchalant on the surface, so many thinks that I'm very confident and skilled in driving.

Well, it's quite a long post. I have another birthday dinner tomorrow night but it may not be something to blog about. We'll see. If not, the next post would be on my Europe trip. Stay tuned!