Going home...or not...

I have a friend from Germany who went back to her country recently. We were quite good friends and kept in touch through emails. She told me that she had a re-culture shock when she went back home from USA. She’s been here for 14 months. She said she had some difficulties adjusting back to her life styles in Germany. That got me thinking about what will happen when I go home. I guess I will feel the same way that she does when I finally go home from the states. I will be worse, because when I do go home, I’ll be away from home for a little more than 24 months. Two years. Two consecutive years of my life spent away from home and not even going back once. Most of the other au pairs have been home at least once, even when they just came here for a year.

I can also feel myself getting used to the life here. It’s easy to get comfortable here when I’m so sheltered with my host parents. I don’t have to worry about food, gas, paying the bills, and other troublesome affairs that my other S’porean friends have living alone here in NY. I go out as I please, knowing that a car is always there for me to drive and no gas bills to worry about! Doing laundry here is so easy too because they have a dryer! No laying the clothes out on bamboo poles, taking them out, worrying about the weather, bringing them in, etc. You wash your clothes now, you can get them clean and dry at most 2 hours later. I also have my own big room(with a queen size bed!) and my own bathroom. This is something I’ve been dreaming about since I was young, as I grow up in a 3-room flat with two older brothers. My own bathroom is something I’ve always wanted. That’s why I keep my room here neat and tidy. Not messy. My mum would be shocked to see my room here, as compared to my room at home in S’pore.

These are just material things, I guess. But convenience is something that you learn to depend on after some time. It is also something that is the hardest to get yourself out of, especially for a lazy person like me. But I also thought of all that I’m missing back home. I love channel 8 programs, what’s more, now they have channel U too with the same station. I love 93.3FM. I love Chinese pop songs. When I first came here, I will try to keep myself updated with the programs and songs through the internet, but I realised that I will not be able to watch the shows and that make me very frustrated so I stop checking them out. But a few days ago, I checked them out again and seeing those familiar faces(although they’re our local stars) just tugged at something in my heart. I just am looking forward to going home now.

Having said that (and thought of that), I started having dreams the past few nights. Can’t remember what I dreamt about but I know it’s about things that goes on in S’pore when I go home. And I know that the dreams are the reason why I don’t sleep well at night and why I feel so tired during the day. I guess I can look forward to going home, but I’m still scared of what changes I’m going to face when I go home. Will I still be close to my friends? Will I really be a changed person? Will I be able to adjust to life at home? It’s silly to think that 2 years can change 25 years of living at home, but it’s 25 years(or almost) of wishing to get out of that home. So, I guess any change is good. But friends are my biggest concern now. I’ve been trying a lot to keep in touch, though only with few successes. I really hope I won’t be a changed person. I want to be the same Winnie that I am when I came, just with more experiences, more stories to tell and older by 2 years.

I hope I won’t have the dreams again tonight. Sad to say, the dreams about going home scares me a lot. They really do keep me from falling into a deep sleep at night and the after-dream feeling is not a warm one. It’s a disturbing one. Why are there so many paradoxes in life?

Kid

January 10, 2006 at 9:55 pm

Almost wanted to give up. Had so much problems with signing in and was so frustrated that i didnt want to leave comments already. Just to assure you, no worries. Your friends will still be here and in fact, we would be more than happy to hear of your experiences. And i honestly cant believe you stayed away for more than 2 years….thats sooooo long. wow….you must miss the laksa, the char kway teow, the carrot cake, satays…..call me if you want to meet up…ie, when you have settled down back in SG properly.

Stupid...

I don’t know if I’m the one or systems/people in the states are stupid. I guess I’m partly to blame too, for not being consistent and for being forgetful.

Yesterday was supposed to be my driving test here in Connecticut. My host parents and the US Driving Department requires that au pairs who stay for 2nd year get a state driving license. After 2-3 months wait, the day is finally here. I couldn’t sleep well the night before because I kept thinking about the test and what could have happened. I guess I developed a phobia of driving tests after I tried to get it in S’pore(it took me 4 times before I passed my driving test in S’pore 6 years ago). Well, I was so nervous the whole of the morning yesterday. My test was at 2pm. I had to cut short Brigid’s nap(Kara is in school). When it was finally my turn to go through the documents checking and all that, they said that my names in the documents do not match each other! Well, in USA, almost everyone has a first, middle and last name. I knew about this before I came, but I didn’t know that I’ll be faced with this problem when I come! I was very confused when I first came and when I had to fill in forms, I couldn’t remember what to put as my first or middle name. My last name is my surname, so that’s easy. Now, when I finally got everything figured, they had to tell me that my documents(passport, visa, social security card, DS2019) were of different names! What??!! Whether it says Tay Ling Ling Winnie or Winnie Ling Ling Tay apparently means a big difference to those people at the DMV. Anyway, they wouldn’t allow me to take the test. They said,’Go get it sorted out with immigration and then come back’. What the..??!! I mean, come on! I’m able to travel in and out of the USA, able to get my bank account and able to do everything else except take a driving test??

My host mum accompanied me to the test and she was able to ask the people there what to do in order to get the documents sorted. Now, she’s talking to people to help me get new documents with the ‘correct’ names. I feel so bad that I had to make my parents worried and busier because of my stupidity. They didn’t say anything, but I feel so bad. However, I still feel so indignant! I can get around all my life with my name in S’pore in anyway I write and now, I’m being penalised for having a legal Christian name here in USA. They may be the most powerful country in the world but they’re definitely not the most efficient in a lot of ways.

I feel much better today, but I was very angry with the people at the DMV yesterday and with myself. When I was trying to reason with the guy at the DMV, he just kept asking, "What’s your first name? Just tell me what’s your first name?" I told him, I do not have a first name. If you mean first name by the one that’s used most often, then, it’s Winnie! What a dork! I just wanted to scream at him, ‘I have a Chinese name and a Christian name. I DO NOT HAVE A FIRST AND MIDDLE NAME!!!’

Anyway, my driving test got rescheduled to Jan next year. Got to go through all that anxiety and nervousness all over again. All these trouble when I’m going home next Oct. So stupid. This is why I would NEVER stay here forever. If there’s a guy who’s able to make me want to stay here for good, he must be a really great guy. Haha!



Sylvia
November 17, 2005 at 3:12 pm

poor poor girl..
guess different people have different ways of reading things and recognising them.
one track minds, i suppose!
Hang in there. To make you feel better, i haven’t got my license yet. boo hoo…

Right or worng?

I’m beginning my 2nd year here with my host family in USA. Don’t really know if I’ve made the right decision to stay on. Sometimes when I meet with any problems, my only solution is to bail out. Life can’t be happy all the time, I guess. Whenever I work at a company for too long, the mistakes that I’ve made will start to appear and I can only think of getting out of the job quickly. Maybe that’s why I don’t stay at a job for long. This is happening now with my job as an au pair here. Sometimes I just feel like I’m too familiar with the family and that I may be taking things for granted just a bit.

Well, overall, I think I should thank the Lord for my ‘good life’ here. I always hear complains from the other au pairs about their host family and frankly, most of my problems are due to myself and not my host family. I really have no complains towards them. What more can a girl who’s all alone and in a foreign land ask for, right?

Recently I’m starting to feel bored and restless here. I get news from back home in S’pore that someone is getting married or someone is giving birth or going to give birth(again!). Makes me think. The au pair girls here are only concerned with going to parties, clubbing, drinking or dancing. Of course, they’re only 20-24 years old and mostly from European countries. I’m way much older than them, from an Asian country and I think differently(if not conservatively). Why am I wasting my time here? True that I’ve experienced something that is truly unique and special, but where does it all leads me? I’m not regretting my decision, mind you. I NEVER regret the decisions I made. Just that it’s kind of challenging my faith in God. I pray everyday for strength to believe that God has His plans for me and that I just have to trust in Him. It’s hard to do that when you’re alone.

Friends back home have stopped or slowed down their efforts to keep in contact with me. I always have to make the 1st move. It’s getting tiring. But after all, isn’t that the way to keep friendships alive? Somebody always has to make the 1st move or to keep moving. Just don’t know why the somebody has to be me. It takes 2 to clap and I’m running out of things to say other than ‘Hi, how are you getting on..etc, etc’. Life is sooooo hard sometimes and I’m getting more lonely and depressed….




Kid
October 25, 2005 at 6:23 pm

Hey, you are not alone on this. I have lost contact with many friends too and its really up to me to take the initiative to rekindle the past, close friendship. we really cant blame anyone coz each of us develop our own social circle. and unless, we consistently meet up or update each other, if not, maintaining the friendship will really be plain superficial. very shallow! I see everyone climbing up high on the career ladder and then i think, what the hell am i still doing?? so stagnant? then i console myself that my time to peak has yet to come..somehow, sometime, i will reap. just that right now, its an aimless life..living each day as it comes and just plain surviving.