Reminisc

 I finally found my blog! Actually I remembered that I had a blog but I didn’t know the blog address or where to find it. It was by accident that rediscovered it and also that I can sign in to write and post! I took 3 days to reread all my previous posts. 

My last post was in 2015, when all was not well with me. This blog started when I was in USA as an au pair for The Lynches. It was so nice to read all that I did and my thoughts then. If not for this blog, I even forgot a lot of the things that happened. Even reading some of the posts, I also can’t remember some of things that happened. I also was so naive and happy back then! My thoughts were so naked and simple. It seems like I’m a totally different person now. 

Lots of things happened during these past years and I’m sadly no longer that happy-go-lucky simple girl anymore. I’m also not that God-fearing and church servicing girl anymore. 

The Covid years of 2020-2022 has changed my habits so much so that church going has been the past for me. I hope maybe next year, when the TEL(Thomson East Coast) MRT line is completed, I can start going to church more often. 

I realize this blog is like a diary to me. Seems like nowadays, no one reads blog anymore. But I still can’t be too open on sharing whatever is on my mind here. I can’t rant as much as I did before due to who I work for. Will try to write and share as much as I can so that in the years to come, I have something to look back on. 

I don't think anyone understands...

I hope you never understand what it's like to forget what happiness feels like. 

I hope you never feel like there's no way out of your sadness. 

I hope you never get overcome by numbness. 

I hope you never experience that feeling of pure emptiness. 

I hope you never feel like there is nothing good, or bad, coming around the corner. 

I hope you never feel like you can't imagine there being a future for you. 

I hope you never have to force yourself to appear normal and happy when all you really want is to run and hide and never come out. 

I hope you never understand what it feels like to have to worry that everyone in the world is against you. 

I really hope you never understand what it means to feel completely alone while you're surrounded by people. 

I really, really hope you never understand what it means to want to end it all. 

Because that's what I feel all the time and it's terrible. 

Just leave me alone

I had a look back on my past postings. It has been a long time ago since I was happy. Really happy. I think it's been about 2 years ago. When all was well and all was good. Recently, I realise that I forget how to be happy. I even forget how to be the person that I was. The person that was full of ideas and has believes. 

I used to believe that as long as I'm nice, as long as I treat others well, others will feel it. Now, I don't believe that anymore. Since young, I've been holding on to this belief. I try to be nice. Well, I do have selfish and immature thoughts. But I do try to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good employee, a good friend and a good person. At least I try my best. At what point do people think that it's good enough? No matter how much I try, I always fall short. I fall short of being the ideal daughter, the ideal sister, the ideal employee, the ideal friend, the ideal person. Is this the reason why I'm alone? Because I'm not good enough?  

In the show Grey's Anatomy, the main characters are each other's Person. I think I just want to be somebody's Person.

I gave my best. I opened myself up. Nobody knows as much about me. I do everything with my best to the point that all I live and breathe is this. In the end, I end up with nothing. I try again. I don't give up. But I still get tossed away. I'm still unable to break through. It's not that I'm looking for reciprocates. I guess, I just want someone to care, to really care for me and treat me as I treat the person. I'm unable to handle whatever relationships I have with people now. In fact, I don't really want to. I find myself pulling back. Being nice is not right. Giving my all is not right. Being loyal is not right too. What do I lack that others have? Why am I not good enough?  I really don't know how to behave myself in this thing called Society.