Failure…

I’m super pissed off and in a bad mood right now. In fact, I was like this for the whole of today. I went for the MOE interview this morning. It did not go well and I guess there goes my chances of EVER becoming a teacher. Well, I did indicate that I wanted to teach ENGLISH subjects and NOT CHINESE! Why do they offer that to me in the first place?? When I said I’m not confident in teaching Chinese, I was being honest. I could have lied and said I’m very happy and comfortable! I already said I’m willing to put in the effort!!

Singapore is such an Elitist country and society. If I really do not get it this time, I don’t care what any Pastor says. I’m going to do WHATEVER I WANT. Of course it’s not something bad. Just that I tried my best to do what seems the best course of action but I’m just not given the chance! Just because I don’t and can’t go to a local University. Just because I don’t get good results. I’m condemned. Never mind all my passion. Never mind all my experience. Never mind all my enthusiasm. Bulls**t!!!!

I’m just so pissed off that I’m not given the chance to prove myself. I get so much pressure from being at home and just being in Singapore. Today after the interview, I went to watch ‘Sex and the City’ alone. Watching it made me miss NYC so much. The snow scenes especially made me nostalgic. Falling snow. How peaceful. How beautiful. How wonderful. It made me miss the independence, the freedom and the life I had there. I totally would trade anything to be able to lead my own life right now. You know, when I was in USA, whenever it snowed at night, I would sit in the dark in my room, open the window and just stare at the falling snow. Yes, it’s cold to open the window, but I just wear thicker clothes. It is the most peaceful when it’s snowing. Everything is so quiet (even if it’s snowing in the day time). I love that quiet. Yes, I used to cry a little missing my friends at home when I was staring at the snow, but at the same time, I was enjoying the moment too. I knew that I would not be able to see it forever. I only get to see it for two seasons. I’m glad I did take the time to enjoy that.

Anyway, back to the point. I tried. And if I failed, too bad. I will pray very hard. I really hope God hears. Pray for me too because I’m at road’s end.