The Dreamer...

Star Awards 2

2010-08-12T10:20:00.001-07:00

I realised I didn't show the pictures I have from Star Awards 2. Totally love being there and interacting with so many 'stars'! Thank you to JP who took the pictures for me as she knows that I like some of the stars. I'm most of the time too over-whelmed and shy with so many stars there that when taking the pictures, I have only one big silly grin on my face. Don't look at me. Look at the 'stars'.

From left: Jesseca Liu, Priscilla Chan, Me, Lin Mei Jiao, Pan Ling Ling, Yvonne Lim, Cai Peixuan, Jin Yin Ji

The very nice Pierre Png! I miss him!

With Joanne

With Rui En

With Jesseca Liu

With Felicia Chin

With Fann Wong and Christopher Lee

With Chen Li Ping

There's still a lot more others that I took, mostly with the male stars. Decided to just enjoy the photos myself. Haha! Anyway, I have to state again how grateful and blessed I am to be able to get to rub shoulders with all these stars. It was a wonderful night!

Baking

2010-05-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Since I have more time now, I've renewed my interest in one of my favourite past-time - baking. Actually my interest in baking started when i was in the States. My host dad likes to cook and they have everything needed to cook or bake, from baking dishes, casserole pan, pots, pans, measuring cups, etc. Most important of all, they have two, TWO big ovens in the kitchen, which is like a baker's heaven! So, I started experimenting with recipes that are shown on boxes and cans and progress slowly to the secret recipes of my host parents'. When I came back home, I realise that I only have a small oven at home. There's no measuring spoons, measuring cups or baking things. I had to slowly buy them and accumulate them as I make different things. My family and friends have been my guinea pigs whenever I bake anything. So far, other than my mum who doesn't like things too sweet, the feedback has been very positive! Hehe! Here are some of my experiments:

Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Very yummy but I guess presentation needs working on. The shredding of the carrot takes a lot of work too!

I made this for JP's birthday as I didn't know what to buy as present for her. I initially test made another big chocolate cake for her but it was a really fudgy cake that melts when being out on the outside for too long, so I thought of this one which is easier to make and easy to bring out too.

I made this just the day before. A friend of mine loves cheesecake and I bought the crust very long ago that I decided to use it. I found a really simple to make recipe and it turned out very good! But it's sort of too plain. I would want to try other variations of cheesecake next time, like blueberry, oreo or chocolate.

Fellowship @ Macritchie Reservoir

2010-05-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since we had a fellowship outing. I was absent from both church and fellowship activities for the past two months or so because of work. So, I'm happy to be back to attend some of the programs of the fellowship. I think I speak for all when I say that it was an enjoyable program. The weather was nice and since it's in the evening, no scorching sun shining down on us. There's supposed to be a photography contest but I realised that my lousy camera didn't take any great pictures. I had fun just taking pictures for keepsakes though. So, just sharing.

XQ and her youngest, Nathan, who just woke from a nap, hence the grumpy face.

The beginning of the board walk we're going to do.

View of the reservoir from the board walk.

I'm still trying to digest this quote.

With Pastor Ho's daughter, Deborah. She looks like she's getting away from me!

Sunset

Star Awards 1

2010-05-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

I was able to attend the recent Star Awards because of work. Very blessed that I was able to be at the frontline and see the whole show and production first-hand. Learned a lot from just being there. Although I shouldn't be, a lot of the time, I was star struck with seeing so many celebrities there, especially those celebrities whom I've known since I was young. However, since I should be working, most of the time, these feelings are just OS inside my head! Haha! So you can imagine how much I 'talked' to myself that night.Won't mention too much about the show but one complain is that the production team should have done more for the others who have to be present. There's no arrangements made for people like the managers, assistants or helpers who have to be there. Some of these people may or may not be employed by mdc, but they should still be treated nicely. My feeling was that these people are being kicked around like nobody's business when they're the people who are the closest to the celebrities. The thing is, the celebrities didn't know a thing about it because no one would say anything. I admit guilt as I didn't do anything too. Well, maybe someday....

Anyway, a couple of pictures to show. Didn't take many as my camera's not very good and I was working! Thanks to JP for taking the pictures for me with the dudes!

The TV Theatre with invited guests.

The fans from various celebrities' fanclubs sit on the 2nd level.

Some of the celebrities. Who can you see?

With Elvin Ng

With DYT.

Envious? Jealousy?

2010-04-22T08:29:00.000-07:00

Sadness is the greatest feeling of all...

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My life

2010-04-11T05:08:00.000-07:00

Words are an expression of my feelings...

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Passion

2009-11-14T04:30:00.000-08:00

Every time we hear about those people who are successful, they will say that their passion in what they do help them to become what they are today. Those same people,depending on their field, will say that they have a passion for helping people, being with people, listening to people, etc. However, I really wonder, while these people seems to be making big money and very successful in their chosen career field, how really passionate they are about those who really mean something to them. People like their friends, relatives, parents, siblings, spouses and children. These are the people who really matters, to my way of thinking. You can have a passion for helping people to succeed, but do you even have the passion or patience to even listen to what your children are telling you? What your friends are trying to say?

In a lot of ways, whenever someone committed suicide, the close friends and relatives around them will express shock and surprise. Why is this so? Is it really that the victim really does not display signs of taking this route or that people around them are not paying close attention enough? I do not believe that a person committing suicide would just decide one day that they're going to do it. It will have passed through their minds way before they actually do it, even if it's just a fleeting thought. If the people around them pay close attention enough, it can be spotted or the victims may even give up the thought of taking this final route.

There's more stress in this day and age when everything should be much easier on our lives. Many people are suffering below the surface but when you said you are successful because you have the passion to succeed, what about the one passion that matters most? What about having enough passion to care for those that you care about? Or are you only passionate about making money and being successful in your career?

Europe trip - Day 4

2009-07-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry, have been too lazy to blog. I decided to blog about the rest of my trip soon, as I feel that I'm losing the small details gradually. So, here goes!

On the 3rd of June, a Wednesday and also the fourth day of our Europe trip, I actually didn't plan on doing anything or going anywhere. We got back late from London the night before and although we slept in, I was thinking of relaxing a little and to spend time with the girls. However, when D asked me if we're doing anything today, for want of something to say, I said that we're considering going to Windsor Castle as it was heavily recommended by A. (It is another residence of the Queen outside London. She lives there most weekends.) We just are not sure how to go there and back. On hearing that, D immediately went into search mode and looked up the internet on the buses to take, routes the buses take, the timings, the costs of the buses, the opening and closing hours of Windsor Castle, etc. He said he could drive us to Windsor but we would have to take the bus back ourselves. There was a lot of researching going on and although at that point WJ and I were still undecided on going, on seeing that D was doing so much for us, we don't feel good to say that we're not going in the end and so end up making a last minute trip to Windsor Castle.

By the time we reached the town of Windsor, it was close to or about 2 plus in the afternoon. Wj and I had a late breakfast and since D didn't offer us any lunch, we didn't have any at the house. We stopped at a diner in town to have fish and chips for lunch before going up to the castle. Not the best fish and chips in London but passable. We also shared a plate of pasta which tasted funny. I think they cook with wine, which made it too sour. The normal paste has tomato sauce, which is sour too, but a tangy sour but this wine taste makes it just sourish. Anyway, not my favourite.

It was a 10-15 mins up to the castle from the town of Windsor. WJ and I took a slow stroll, taking in the shops along the way. By the time we reach the entrance of the castle, it was already 3 plus. There was a free audio tour available to all visitors and we took advantage of it. We took tons of photos just from the entrance to the middle of the castle. There was nice guard there we told us to hurry up to go into St. George's chapel as it was close to closing time. D highly recommend us to go into St. George chapel and so we rushed inside quickly.

St. George's chapel is really very interesting, with the stained glasses and many past Kings and Queens (including the Queen Mother!) buried inside. The only pity thing is that we aren't allowed to take pictures, so I can only rely on my memory to remember the things I saw inside. Both of us enjoyed the chapel and took sometime inside to really look at everything. The audio tour was a very big help in explaining all things and their histories.

When we came out of St. George's chapel, we walked up to the main castle itself, intending to go see the Queen's doll house and the apartments. When we past by the main courtyard, the same guard again told us that we have to hurry up as they're going to close the apartments soon too. So, it was another rush for us to go into the dolls' house and Queen's apartments. Everything inside the apartments were very interesting, and allows us to peek into the lives of the royals, past and present. Again, the rule of no photo-taking applies and we just have to content ourselves with the audio tour.

After the touring of Windsor Castle, it was about 5 plus. D gave us detailed timing for the buses back and I do want to get back early to at least play a little with the girls before they go to bed. So, we went in search of the bus-stop. It was quite easy to find but the next bus is some time away so we did a little window shopping. The bus journey home was actually not long and if everything goes well, we could be home in an hour, which gives me plenty of time to spend time with the girls. However, just as we were getting out of the town of Windsor, there was a traffic jam along the expressway. This took about 20 mins and screwed up the timing for our connecting bus. We again had to wait a little for the connecting bus as we missed the earlier connection and this was where our adventure of the day came.

The bus taking us back to the town of my host family will stop at a bus-stop along a street that I'm not that familiar with. D told me the name of the store to look out for and WJ thought she was being helpful by pointing out some landmarks. All these and my anxiety led to us getting off way too early. The moment we got off the bus and it drove off, we saw the sign that the town we're supposed to be in is int he opposite direction and by asking a passerby, we know that it is too far away to walk. So we had to take the next bus. The problem was, the next bus is not until 30 mins later. It was a cloudy day and the temperature was getting lower and we don't fancy waiting around in the middle of nowhere for the bus, so WJ suggested we walk down to the next bus-stop so at least we have some thing to do. And so we start our long trek. One alternative we could do was that we could call D to pick us up but I didn't want to disturb whatever D is busy with the children and also we don't really know where we are exactly, so it's quite pointless.

It was cold and dangerous and fun all at the same time. Both of us zipped up our jackets and walked along the road where cars were zipping past very fast. We past by two bus-stops and decided to stop at the third one as by the time we stopped there, the next bus was due to come soon. So we paid another two pounds each (the first bus cost us four pounds each). This time, when it was time to get off, I decided to open my mouth to ask whether it was the right one, regardless of being embarrassed. And so we got home safely and full of adventures to tell. WJ and I were saying if we were going to tell D about our stupidness and I was so embarrassed about it and was contemplating whether to tell when I got home. However, the moment D saw us all wrapped up and asked if we were cold, I could not find a suitable enough excuse and spilt everything out. He didn't make too much of a fuss and we were spared the embarrassment. Well, at least it gives us an added memory to this trip.

Costs for the entrance of Windsor Castle. Very expensive!

In the courtyard of Windsor castle

St. George's chapel

With nice view from the castle down into town

Europe trip - Day 3

2009-06-24T02:17:00.000-07:00

On the third day, which is 2nd June, Tuesday, it is the day that I planned for us to go into London city itself. I have been there and done all the touristy stuff. That means I've seen Westminster, Big Ben, Parliament House, London Eye, London Bridge, Tower Bridge, Tower of London, etc, etc, etc. But because it was the first time that WJ is in London, I had to bring her to see all these 'must-see' and 'must-do'. If I were alone, I would probably not make the trip into the city and thus saving the train fare.

Anyway, we took the 9.50am train into London city. Our first stop is the Palace on Westminster. From the guidebook and D's recommendation, we thought that there will be a changing of horse guards parade at 11.30, so we headed there, intending to see the parade. When we arrive there, we read from one of the boards that there is only a changing of guards instead of a changing of horse guard parade. The changing of guards parade took place at 11am and it was a very, very short one. Although we were there during the changing, we didn't realise that that was the only parade for that day, so we missed it. But we managed to take pictures with the guards and horses that were on duty there.

One of the horse and it's guard.

With one of the guards on duty

The palace where we saw the horse guards

After taking the necessary pictures, since we were already in the area, we walked over to the River Thames and took pictures of the Parliament House and Big Ben, London Eye and the River Thames itself. It was fun to show WJ all these famous things though I think she's not that overly interested in them also.

London Eye

Me and WJ with Parliament House and Big Ben as background

When we were done with all the photo taking, we headed over to Leicester Square to check out ticket prices for musical shows. London's West End is so famous so watching a musical is a 'must-do'. There were many choices, all falling within the budget that we set. WJ was very mindful of what A, my host mum, told us the night before and so decided to watch 'The Lion King'. According to A, the show has very good performance and props, so much so that K and B enjoyed the show thoroughly when they went to watch it, so we decided to take the safe route and watch it as well. It was time for lunch after buying the tickets, so we decided to look for a place to eat. I wanted WJ to try the Fish and Chips of UK but I've never actually ate it in London itself, so I'm not sure where to go for good F&C. The restaurants around Leicester Square serves them but they're quite upscale restaurants that we really can't afford them. We walked around a little, at the same time looking at souvenirs and after asking the owner of a souvenir shop, we headed down an alley and found a restaurant offering a 2-course meal for a reasonable price. It was not bad and a good deal, so we took the chance to have a good sit-down meal and also to rest our weary selves.

After that, we had intended to go for 'The London Experience' offered on the guidebook. It was supposed to be a tour where we were taken on London Bridge and to the London Dungeon where they claimed to be the 'scariest attraction' in London. When we got to the place where we had to get tickets for this, there were people dressed in their characters and the first person gave me a bad feeling and WJ didn't care for it either. So, we changed out minds and decided to head down to the Tower of London instead, although I did that before. I was very reluctant to pay to go in again but there was this 2-for-1 deal that comes with our train tickets so it makes it a little more affordable.

The walk from London Bridge station to the Tower of London brings us across the Tower Bridge and is some walking distance. It was the first time that I'm on Tower bridge itself, so it was quite cool but the walk really tires us out. Before we went to buy tickets for the Tower of London, we stopped to have a drink (the weather was surprisingly hot and sunny that day - not typical London weather) and have a look-see at the gift shop. By the time we went to buy the tickets, it was 3.40pm. I realised that the Tower (which is actually a castle) closed at 5pm and that the last tour given by the Yeoman guards was at 3.20pm, which we already missed. The Yeoman guards tell very good stories about the past of the castle, what happened in there and some sordid tales, so touring the Tower without the tour given by the guards really makes it very much less interesting, so we decided to not go into the Tower.

Tower Bridge

Tower of London

Since we have some time before the theatre show starts and before we need to have our dinner, I decided to bring WJ to Oxford Street to see the 'Orchard Road' of London. It was not as I remember it plus we had a long walk that day, so both of us were quite tired and not interested in shopping. We decided to have an early dinner and to give both of us plenty of time to enjoy our dinner, instead of rushing in the end. We consulted the guidebook that offers 2-for-1 meal deals and decided to go to one that doesn't look expensive and is near the theatre that we were going to watch the musical. It was a fantastic restaurant, with good food and great service. It was a nice meal and to end off the evening, 'The Lion King' is a very good show to watch. The opening was great and engaging. It kept the children (and adults alike) in the theatre occupied most of the time. We got back to my host family's place near to midnight.

WJ and her meal

Me and my meal

Lyceum Theatre, where 'The Lion King' is staged

Europe trip - Day 2

2009-06-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

WJ and I slept for nearly 12 hrs for the first night in London. The next day, we actually didn't plan for any programs as I thought of spending some time with host family, namely the girls, and also to get over any jet lag we may have.

We had a big breakfast that D made in the morning. It was kind of awkward in the kitchen as I know my way around the kitchen but at the same time, I'm no longer living with them, so I didn't want to appear to be too imposing by just opening cupboards and rummaging for food in the fridge. D asked if we would like to have omelette since he's clearing up things in the kitchen, so we agreed. It was kind of embarrassing that we just sat and waited around for him to make our breakfast and serve us.

Anyway, after breakfast, I brought WJ to walk around the town of Beaconsfield, just to see what shops there are. We also want to check out how far it is to walk to the bus-stop that we have to go to when we want to take the bus to Heathrow airport as we're taking the bus ourselves to the airport on Sat. It was just window shopping and to see what things there are to buy in the local clothes store, shoes store, etc. It was also to see the way of life of suburb London.

WJ took a nap in the afternoon and while I was feeling tired too, I couldn't sleep in the afternoon. When the girls came home from school, I went to talk to them a little. They had a short rest and had to go to church for their bible class. The girls requested that I bring them to church, which is only a 5 mins walk away, so I agreed. After that, I went to bring them home again an hour later. A came home earlier for us and we had dinner. D knew that I love the baked salmon he made so he prepared it especially for me, together with his home-made mash potatoes. It's true that I like the baked salmon he made. In fact, I think it's the only salmon that I will eat as I don't eat raw salmon and normally won't order fish when eating outside. WJ was very impressed with the mash potatoes D made. She thought it's made from the powder kind and was very surprised when I told her D made it from scratch with real potatoes as the mash potatoes are very smooth. So, she now knows how good D is in cooking. Haha!

We didn't go anywhere for this second day, so there's no pictures taken. I will show some pictures of the house of my host family in London.

View of front of the house from third level guest room

View of the back of the house. The swings, slides and play-house came with the rented house

Guest room WJ stayed in

Guest room I stayed in

Europe trip - Day 1

2009-06-21T10:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've been procrastinating for a week now to do my photos for the Europe trip. I shall try from today to sort the photos out and also blog about the trip so I can remember about it in future. In order that I don't a very, very long post (it's a two weeks trip), I'm going to blog about it day by day, so check out my blog till I'm done with all two weeks of it. However, I may not be updating it everyday. Too many pictures to sort out, from my camera, as well as WJ's, so it's double the time. Be patient with me.

I'll start with day one of our trip. We flew off on 31st May (Sunday) morning and reached London at 3.30pm (UK time). A brought K and C to the airport to fetch us. D and B were at a birthday party of B's friend. It was wonderful to see my host family after so long. K was not shy with me at all. She recognised me immediately at the airport and ran to hug me. C was very shy but curious too.

We took a bit of a longer time to get back to the house as A said there was a traffic jam on the expressway that we're supposed to take to get back so we have to go by another way. However, she's not very good with directions and in the end the trip back home became a road trip to see a little of London's suburbs.

When we got to the house, B came to the front door to meet us. She recognised me (thanks to Skype) but was a little hesitant to run to me. She came eventually and I was so happy and surprised by how much she has grown! Later, when I asked her, I realised that B doesn't really remember much about what we did in Fairfield, USA when I was with the family. She was too young then, I guess. K was still able to remember me and some of the neighbours and friends she had there.

After a dinner of BBQ chicken that D cooked, they gave me a surprise birthday celebration. Actually, I knew that they're going to celebrate for me because they told me on my actual birthday. D made a cake for me and the children were very excited to get to eat cake for desserts.

My birthday cake made by D. My favourite chocolate flavour!

Presents! For me! And cards made by K and B.

Me with the three children. B and C are holding my presents.

B, me and K

Dutch - the best doggy in the world

Nerves and excitment

2009-05-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

It's another two days before I get on the flight to London. I don't know why, but this past week I had been in such excitement and was very nervous. Even when I sleep, I was also thinking about what would happen when I meet my host family in London, when I see A in Germany and when I meet V in Switzerland. People would think that I've never travelled or never been to London. I guess the reason is because this is the first time I travelled to meet friends. In the past, it has always been travelling just to travel, for enjoyment, for leisure. Now, I'm going to meet friends in each of the countries that I'm going to. This is especially true for meeting my host family.

As I've said before, I want to see my host family again but at the same time, I fear seeing them. I want to see them because I miss them so much, especially K and B. Also, I've not met the new addition to the family, C, so I want to meet him and shower my affections on him just as I did to K and B. However, it has been a few years since I left the family and I fear that the girls would not be as affectionate and close to me as before. Of course, I did prepare myself and tell myself not to expect too much. There's bound to be changes and differences and it's something that's inevitable, so I have to accept it. My memories has always been at the stage of when I was with the family in USA. The girls, being so young, forget easily, so they would not remember much about the times with me, so I really can't expect them to be as close to me as before. My host parents are also so cool people that I think that while they're hospitable and happy to see me, I'm still an outsider and can never be treated the same as with their family members. Well, I expect that I'll be very emotional to meet them at the airport but they'll be very cool about it, so in the end, I will also pretend to be cool about the whole thing too. You know, I've not been so excited about meeting people ever in my life. Not even when, five years ago, I decided to go to the USA to be an au pair all alone. I wasn't scared or nervous then. I guess that's because I went with an open mind, not ecpecting anything. When there's no expectations, there's no disappointment. Now, I already know the family and I know what I could have, so there's expectations, so I fear the disappointment of what would not be.

This is also the first time that I'm planning a whole two weeks' of vacation all by myself. WJ has not been too much help as she's easy-going and she's not been to Europe at all before. Anywhere I go or bring her, she's fine with it. But Europe is such a big place and everywhere is nice to go, so I have some trouble planning for it. The last time I went backpacking in Europe, I was riding on the coat-tails of R and Y, who planned everything; where to stay, where to eat, where to go. This time, I'm entrusted with this task and my fear is that WJ may not like what I like. I only hope that she'll enjoy herself.

Well the time to board the plane is near (Sunday!) and I hope this trip will be fun and uneventful, that everything will go well. The other day, I was thinking that I'm so full of anticipation for this trip, when I come back from the trip, I'll be in depression as I'll have nothing to look forward to. The expenses for this trip is also staggering and much more than what I planned for at first so I have to think of ways to earn it back. My stand to pursue my ideals may be a losing cause and I've been toying with the idea of giving up and just go look for a job, a boring office job, all for the sake of money. I gave up all these before as I don't see the satisfaction of working for others, at a job that only makes the rich, richer while I slog so much just for that monthly pay. But reality is closing in and the financial situation may be something that forces me to give up all these ideals and join the rat race. When I start doing that, people would stop looking at me as a loser and I would probably be able to walk with my heads up again.

感动

2009-05-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

因为‘流星花园’我感动得接受一个错的人。今天，因为韩版的‘流星花园’我再一次被感动。但是，我身边连一个错的人也没有。

无奈

原以为心已死，但我发现，我还是渴望和相信爱情的。

期待

Post birthday celebrations and thoughts

2009-05-24T02:53:00.000-07:00

I wanted to blog about the happenings these few days because I'll be flying to London next Sunday (yay!) and I'm not sure I would find another time to blog till I come back from the trip.

So, I celebrated my birthday on Wed with the girls. WM couldn't make it as she was busy with work. Sometimes I feel that she's so absorbed in earning money and relationships that she takes us friends for granted. Many a times, when we did meet up, it's always to accommodate her timings and schedules. For goodness sakes, she can't even remember when my exact birthday was! So much for being friends for 17 years. Was kinda disappointed that she didn't turn up but what to do. Anyway, I decided to have dinner at Chomp-chomp. Had been a long time since I ate there and I miss eating all these hawker fares. Also, I need to save up for the Europe trip, so I choose not to eat at restaurants. It was a quick dinner affair. YJ was rushing to go home to finish up some work too. WJ and I walked and waited around Serangoon Gardens, in hope that WM would be able to meet up for a bit after she finished with her client but alas, she still couldn't make it.

On Friday, I met up with K. She's a senior from my JC days. I can't say that we're very close but we do try to meet up once or twice every year for both our birthdays. Actually, we played a trick during our JC days on those friends who knew us. We pretended to be sisters. Even those friends of hers who knew her were taken in by us. So, till now we sort of maintained a relationship of 'sisters'. Well, I was the one who thought of her as an older sister. I wasn't sure if she still wanted me as a younger sister. So on Friday, while we were having dinner, she told her friend on the phone that she was having dinner with her god-sister, I was very happy. In fact, I was so happy by this comment that I kept replaying in the whole night. It really nice to maintain a long friendship and it's not easy to maintain a friendship with someone like me as I tend to be on the quiet side. However, I think Friday's dinner went well as we managed to update each other on the happenings of the past year and also a little on relationships. This friendship/sister-ship is something that I treasure very, very much and I'm so glad that K also is willing to maintain this relationship.

Next, comes to today, Sunday. I was very busy. After worship, there's a tuition ministry meeting. It also happens to be the farewell luncheon for our conductor. He has been posted to work at another church and so will end the one-year internship with our choir. Me, being the choir chairman, definitely has to be present at such an occasion, although I would like very much to have lunch with my fellowship members. Hence, I took off halfway after the tuition meeting and went for the farewell party. It happens that the cafe we went to was overwhelmed by our presence and took a long time to get ready the lunch orders. Since I'm the youngest member in the choir, I was feeling a little bored and left out. So, when J smsed me to ask me for lunch, I immediately agreed. So, I had to leave the choir's farewell party, amidst a chorus of nagging and teasing. But was I so glad to be with people whom I feel very comfortable with and happy. My fellowship's people are those that I can talk with and because they have children and babies, I feel very happy to be with them too.

One of the brothers, a father of two, kept asking me how I learned to carry babies and whether I learned it before. They even teased that I must had given birth to a child before to be so good with babies/children. I'm also not sure why I'm so good with babies. I guess it's because I really like them. Since young, I've always liked babies. When I see babies, I would look at them with longing and would play with them. I always asked my parents to give birth to a younger sibling so I can 'play' with him/her but well, my parents decided to stop at three. When I was ten, my aunties started forming their own families and I had younger cousins to 'play' with. I guess all my babysitting skills came from there. I was observant and learned a lot from just watching. Believe it or not, prior to going to USA, I've never had a real chance to change diapers. I only had seen it countless of times and know the theory of it. But when it came to the first time to change diapers for Brigid in USA, I had no problem as I went through the same motions lots of times in my head. That's how I work. I go through things in my head and try to improve it and see what's feasible or not. As to carrying babies, I guess it's just like driving. I face it heads-on. I know that I like carrying babies and in order to get the chance to carry them, I have to be good at it, so as to gain the trust of the parents. If I'm bad at it, I would not get a second chance, so I have to make sure that I am good. Hence, it all comes down to confidence. But don't get fooled by me. Sometimes I do get panicky and don't know what to do in my heart but I don't show it on my face. It's the same when I'm driving. I do get scared by some situations but I appear calm and nonchalant on the surface, so many thinks that I'm very confident and skilled in driving.

Well, it's quite a long post. I have another birthday dinner tomorrow night but it may not be something to blog about. We'll see. If not, the next post would be on my Europe trip. Stay tuned!

The big three-O club

2009-05-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

I'm officially into my 30s! Actually I did nothing special on my birthday today but just wanted to blog it down for memory's sake. I was very happy to receive all the sms wishes. After so many years, I sort of know who are the ones who's going to wish me who will not remember at all. I'm especially happy to receive the sms wishes of those friends whom I've known for a long time (more than ten years). To be able to keep in touch with them for such a long time is something I treasure and the friendship is even more important than my birthday.

I had wanted to wake up early today and go out to do things or eat things that I enjoy as a treat to myself. But I played MH on Facebook till 5am the night before and thus wasn't able to wake up till 2pm. I decided to just go AMK hub and watch a movie by myself to celebrate. I also had to take passport photo of myself so I can renew my IC. This IC thing is causing me so much trouble. I had only these two weeks to get it done and collect it before I leave for my two weeks of Europe trip but they only gave us a month's notice. So many things to get done before my trip, so everything was rushed.

Anyway, I watched 'Angels and Demons' by Tom Hanks, based on the book by Dan Brown. I've read both the Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons while in USA as my host dad had the books. I thoroughly enjoyed both books. However, I was very disappointed by the movie version of 'The Da Vinci Code' as I feel that it doesn't show the thinking process and details that are felt from the book. This time, the movie version of 'Angels and Demons' did not fail me. It was very good! As I read the book a few years ago, the story was a little vague to me but as I watched the movie, the story came back to me and I know what's going to happen next and who the bad guy is. Despite that, I was practically sitting on the edge of my seat throughout the whole movie as it really was very exciting. The director was able to convey the suspense well this time. Also, as I myself have been to Rome and the Vatican City, where the book/movie was set, it was nice to see all the places that I've been to. The places are so familiar and it's always fun to know what the whole movie was about. But I really wonder whether the scenes of the Vatican City are real or a movie set. Should be a set lah, can't be the Pope allows Hollywood to shoot movies at Vatican City, right?

Ok, that's how I spent my thirtieth birthday all by myself. Looking forward to London in one and a half weeks' time. I already miss my host family very, very much and really can't wait! Woohoo!

Updates, happenings

2009-05-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Has been a long time since I blogged. I've been so addicted to playing with Mousehunt on Facebook that I don't really want to do anything else. There's so many games on fb, actually that I can't stop. Blogging needs time. I need time to think and plan what I want to write, so the fifteen minutes in between sounding the horn in MH is not enough for me to think, so I just stopped blogging.

Anyway, I want to blog about my past happenings and thoughts. Not much, actually, given my current boring status. Last Tuesday had dinner with S and R and WJ. It had been a long time since we last met up and I did it individually with each of them, never together, so this gathering is much treasured. S and R are even crazy enough to blog about the dinner immediately after they got home that same night. Hats off to them! Well, it was a great time spent with old friends. One, it got me out of my house and force me to go out. Being a private tutor, I'm either at home or at students' homes. I seldom go out, so to go out sometimes means a lot to me. Two, it got all of us together to catch up. This is actually the first time that I organise a dinner with this group of friends that went smoothly, i.e, everyone are free on the same day, same time. Reason for organising this dinner? No reason. Just one day, I was tutoring my student and there's this strong urge to ask R out for a meal. Then while smsing, I thought we could also ask S out, so the dinner is on! It happened that the day that we're having the dinner, WJ asked me if I want to watch a movie and I told her I'm meeting S and R and asked her along.

The four of us had been friends for more than half of our lives. We were in the same class for all four years in secondary school and happened to like each other enough to keep in contact. We moved on to different paths in life after graduation and are at different jobs and different stages in our lives now but somehow, there's no awkwardness when we meet up. Conversations flow freely, smiles given readily and even hugs are aplenty. This is what I call real friendship.

Looking at the picture reminds me of how much I miss being with friends and just talking. I had just a session like that yesterday when we had fellowship program at EW and XL's house. It was a pretty informal potluck session, with everyone contributing a little food here and there. I like the part where we stayed back just to talk. It is strange that even though most of the conversations revolved around family, children, children's schooling, etc, I was not bored and was even able to contribute. The icing on the cake was being entertained by 3 months old MX. She's very cute and nice to hold. I like children. Young children. The younger they are, the more I like them. Hee...

On another note altogether, I'm preparing to go on the Europe trip at the end of the month. I've still not told my mum about it yet. I dread the outbreak it will bring. She seems to think that for every cent that I made, I should give it to her, instead of spending it on holidays, clothes, etc. It's not enough that I just give her a little allowance every month. Her thinking is, if I have enough to travel, why not give her more? I just think that I work, I made, I spend. Simple as that.

Anyway, my host mum emailed me yesterday that she will be making a stop in Singapore for her work next week. She said she will try to meet me if she has a free up in her work schedule as there's a lot of meetings and business meals to attend. I was quite excited on that. However, we're not too hung up on whether she can meet me or not, since I'll see her in London in a few weeks' time. I'm also not sure how to behave with her since I've not had dinner with just my host mum and me. We've always had the children as the buffer. I'm just hoping that maybe next time, the whole family can come to Singapore and I can introduce to the girls this place that I call home. They'll be really amused that people will and can speak Mandarin to them.

I know this is a very random post. But they're some thoughts that I want to note down for future reference! Till next time...

Hermit or loner?

2009-05-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

Couple of weeks ago, I had dinner with a group of ex-colleagues. This was in honour of one of the colleague who's quitting the company and leaving Singapore to go back to her home country. It was a big gathering of eight. Not bad, considering half of us in the group had left that company.

Throughout the dinner, conservations swilled around the inevitable talking of the said company and the bosses (boss and boss's wife). What to do? The only thing common to all of us is because we all work or worked at the company at some point. This means that there are some still at the company and it being a small company, many things are known to the workers (meaning us).

Other than my character being quiet and shy sometimes, the reason why I was quiet during the dinner was that I really dislike gossiping or talking about others behind others' back. I do want to get updated on the happenings in the company ever since I left but at the same time, I do not really want to know why or when the boss and his wife quarrels. It's not because I dislike listening to a good gossip. I just dislike doing it with non-Christians. With non-Christians, comments can become malicious or misunderstood very easily. Some more, me being me, I sometimes talk without thinking (but no ill intents) and in the process people get the wrong ideas about me. So, most of the time I just listen without taking part in the conversations.

After that dinner, on the way home, I was thinking on how nice it was to be able to have colleagues who had become friends to go out and sit down for dinner with (gossiping aside). However, at the same time, the time spent during dinner, I can feel myself putting on the 'social' face and behaviour. I think why I like my job as a tutor now is because I like to work alone. Even when I did work in an office, I always appreciated the times when I was left alone to do things my own way. Yes, I did need guidance and I wanted people telling me what to do but after that, leave me alone to do it and I will do it at my own pace. I guess my character is such that I really like my 'me' time. I don't like to socialise much and I feel it a chore to always put on a false smile and pretend to be interested in what others are talking about in their lives. Maybe it's because I value my private life and seldom talk about myself, so listening to others exhort about theirs is such a tiring process.

I don't know. Am I unsociable or a recluse? Maybe that's why I'm still single. I always lose to those who knows how to 'sell' themselves while I leave it to 'whatever will happens, will happens'.

I am who I am

2009-04-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

I read a book recently. It's a fiction book but written very well, in such a way that there's some sort of meaning in there. If you do not want to dwell on it too much, it's fine but me being me, I always reflect on what I read and imagine if I were the characters, what I would do.

In the book, there's 3 women who had met with some traumatic events in their life within the past year. They met a psychiatrist who brought them to live in another place. These 3 women, who are strangers to each other, found comfort in talking to each other their problems and at the same time found magic in this strange town. They were given a chance to go back into a time in their lives that they would like to do something, mainly the traumatic event, so that their lives would be changed for the rest of their lives.

After reading this book, I've been thinking that if I had a chance to go back into a time in my life to change something or do something differently, so that my life would not be what it is now, which point would that be? I really had been thinking hard about it. In various stages of my life, I chose and then changed my mind. Actually, my first twelve years of my life all happened in a blur. I can't really remember much of it, except in snatches of it here and there. Only when I got to secondary school, do I feel that I've started my life.

I did think of going back to secondary school but it was the happiest years of my life (happy and unhappy events) and I do not want to change anything then. I thought of going back to my JC days, maybe study harder for my 'A' levels so I could go to a local University and thus my whole life from then on would change. However, it's because of getting into my University that I met YY, and she brought me to my current church, so I do not want to change that. The thing I do not want to change the most was my 2 years spent in USA. Those are some of the best days of my life and I really, really treasure them. There may have been times that I wish I could do things differently while there, but they're not so importantly that they're life-altering, so do not warrant me going back to change them.

After thinking about it, I decided that all the decisions that I made in my life, brings me back to who I am now. Whether they are good or bad, right or wrong, they are made by me at that point when I thought it was the best decision. So, I've decided that given the chance to change something in my life, I would choose not to do anything. Yes, I may not have any accomplishments or achievements in life now but I chose it. The people that I met in various stages of my life are also based on the decisions I made at various points. So, I think I should be happy and stop procrastinating!

Carrot cake

2009-04-03T09:47:00.001-07:00

I finally tried out the recipe for baking the carrot cake. The result is not bad at all. Probably that the frosting is too sweet for everyone's tastes but then I think that should be how cakes taste like. Anyway, other then posting up pictures of how the cake turns out, I want to blog about my baking process. It was an eventful day, even though it's my day of rest (don't even have to go choir tonight!) at home.

Well, since it's Friday, I woke up in time to watch 'Survivor', direct off satellite on tv. I had planned to bake the carrot cake today, so I got ready all the things that I need to use and wash them so they would be dry when I need to use them. Nearing the end of 'Survivor', a person from NEA came to check on the house for Aedes mosquitoes. Good thing nothing found or we would have been summoned. After the man left, I was hesitating whether to bake or not. The weather is so super hot that I have no mood to do anything. Just want to sit in front of the computer and do nothing. In the end, I thought since I got the things ready, I might as well do it, if not, I may not have time to do it and I really want to try out this recipe.

So, I have some ingredients that I need to buy from the shop, so I changed to go downstairs. he moment I reached the first level, and stepped out of the lift, it started to rain. I was going to risk it by running across to the next block (where the shop is) but found the rain to be a little heavy, so I decided to go back home to get an umbrella. I also remembered that I had clothes that I need to bring in from the rain! So, I went up again, brought in the clothes, brought along a bag to put my groceries (so can save the environment by not using plastic bags), took an umbrella and prepared to go down a second time. While waiting for the lift, I noticed that it's not raining anymore!!?? It's a passing shower. I left my umbrella by the door and went to get my things. I managed to get all the things I need except cream cheese. So, I had to walk two blocks to another shop to try my luck and I was very happy that I found it!

By the time I got home, I was pretty sweaty and tired, but getting the things made me all excited and I proceeded with my baking. All went well. I'm glad to report that it turned out exactly as I wanted. Ok, enough with all these talks. Pictures for you!

This was taken when the cake was fresh out of the oven. Looks very good! I didn't over bake it, surprisingly as I tend to do that, holding the view that, 'Overdone is better than underdone'. Ha!

The cake after it has cooled and I put frosting on. I was in a hurry to eat and see how it tastes like, so I cut it very quickly before remembering about taking pictures.

Close up of the inside of the cake. I also added walnuts into it as I've also liked the feeling of having things to bite when eating.

Comments from my family are that the frosting is a tad too sweet but the walnuts give the cake a nice flavour. I don't know why, but my mum says she can taste almonds! I didn't even put almond essence! Well, anyway, this project goes well! But it's so troublesome to make it. I'd rather stick to my Blueberry Crumble. Next time, I'll try cheesecake.

Battle with ants

2009-03-28T08:09:00.001-07:00

I've always been a cleanliness freak. I like things to be clean, especially in my room. My home, being an old apartment, has the inevitable endless stream of ants, lizards and cockroaches roaming. I don't mind the lizards that much except they sometimes scare me by zipping by too fast. The cockroaches are the ones that get to me as they're extremely disgusting, dirty and plain annoying. In order to solve the cockroach problem, I've resorted to buying those traps they sell in supermarkets. However, this works only to an extent. I'm so glad that I have very brave brothers and father. They always will catch the cockroaches for me no matter how late the night is or when as they know my fear of them.

Next up are the ants. For fear of ants, I do not ever eat or drink in my room. Recently, however, I found that my toiletries cupboard has ants visiting. This puzzles me to no end as there's only toiletries in there. I mean, how sweet or delicious can toiletries be? At first I thought that they maybe fooled by the nice smell of shampoo I kept in there, or even by the fragrance emitted by the pads. But I found out that they are attracted to the razor/shaver I kept there. Again, why they're attracted to the shaver, I'm not sure. I've always believed that to get rid of ants, you have to find out the source that attracted them. By getting rid of the source, you don't have to kill them, they will just disappear by themselves. So, to prevent the ants from coming, I decided to keep my shaver in the cupboard, soaked in a glass of water. I thought that this would be the solution that ends the ants' visit. You can imagine my dismay in discovering that they're still there. Now they can't get to the shaver but it seems that the water that the shaver is kept in is sweet. They ended up staying by the water's edge and kept coming back. Though I don't understand what it is that makes the shaver sweet, I was very annoyed by the ants. I had to clean the shaver and the change the water in the cup daily.

One day, as I was cleaning the cup and changing the water, I decided to use dish washing detergent to try to get rid of the 'sweet' stuff (normally I just change water and rinse the cup without detergent). Then it hit me that maybe I can put a little detergent into the cup and fill it with water, thus making the water I soak the shaver in, to be soapy water. And voila! No more ants! I guess the smell of the detergent is not sweet for the ants and also they're not so stupid as to kill themselves by drinking soapy water. Haha!

I'm still patting myself on the back for winning this battle with the ants. I just feel so smart for thinking of such a solution! Hee....oh happy days....

Interesting way of delivering airline annoucements

2009-03-28T07:31:00.000-07:00

My weekend

2009-03-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know that it's already the middle of the week and a bit late to blog about the weekend just past. I have been quite busy with work since the school holidays are over and I need to catch up on my sleep.

Anyway, last Saturday, it happened that my tuition for the early afternoon was cancelled. I was pondering over how to make it for tuition and go to church in time for the combined fellowships team building. I think God presented the answer for me. Well, it was great fun! The games that the Bethel fellowship came up with allowed for lots of brains to be used (which I like) and for the various fellowship members to bond. Most important of all, it was very fun! There were five games in all. We had to go to different stations and complete the tasks within 30 minutes.

The first station was where we were asked to taste six different liquids and guess what they are. I may seem simple at first but some of the beverages had similar tastes that made for hard guessing. The next station was where we had to rack our brains to think of solutions using strings to pour a bucket of balls into another bucket in the middle of the 'sea'. We managed to do this in record time. I don't know if it's because the people in my group are very smart or we happened to get it right by trial and error. Even if it's trial and error, we got the right formula on the first trial! Haha! We took only 8 mins for the first try and 5 mins for the second time.

The third game was to look at photos of certain places in church and go to that place and collect chinese characters to form a bible verse. The photos are taken in such a way that you need to think a little and to guess where the places are. Some of the places are that normally you wouldn't pass by or to take note of the small details. But we got in first for this category! Yay!

The fourth game was a memory game. We had to watch some commercials or pictures and memorise the details. This was pretty straight forward and easy as each group had 7-8 members in it. Each of us just had to take note of certain things and we got almost all the questions correct.

The last game was for all groups to come together and play. The organisers actually wanted to make it in such a way that we would compete against each other but we caught on to the strategy and worked together to finish the task. Overall, the purpose was to remind all that we're brothers and sisters in Christ and we should work together in doing God's works, even in the face of competition.

After the games, there was a BBQ session. It was also a time for fellowship. Most of the members in our fellowship did not attend this team building but I was able to talk to the younger fellowship.

On Sunday, it was worship as usual in the morning. After worship, there was tuition ministry meeting and after, choir practise for Easter. The songs we had to sing are quite hard and with so many to learn, this extra session was necessary.

When I got home, I had to get my laptop and go to the library with WJ to plan for our Europe trip. I can finally say that other than packing my bags, all plans are in place for the Europe trip! We booked our flights within Europe and accommodation in Switzerland. With all these logistics, almost $2k is gone! Although it's major damage to the bank account, I'm really looking forward to this trip. It's almost 3 years since I've seen the host family and I get to see Frankfurt and Switzerland. I'm glad that other than London, I get to go other places that I've not been to before. I dislike going to the same places twice actually. The world is too big and Europe is too expensive to revisit the same places so many times. In fact, if not for my host family, I wouldn't go London again. Not unless it's free! Haha!

Now, I'm at a dilemma. I wish for May to come soon, so I can go for this trip. But at the same time, May will be my birthday and it will be the big three-O! Oh no! Getting old! I don't even want to think about it. Let me pretend for another two months.

Photo blog

2009-03-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

Another round of blog with photos, since I have nothing to blog about in my life. This time I decided to put up photos of famous monuments or places that I've been to. Hehe. Must show off a bit. All photos put up are taken by me! I didn't cut and paste from other places. Just to make it clear.

This is Brooklyn Bridge in New York. It connects Manhattan with Brooklyn. This was taken while on a cruise around Manhattan. In the summer, it's supposed to be very popular for walking on the bridge but I've not had the chance to do that. This is Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles, California. This is where the annual Academy (Oscars) Awards is held. We can't go inside the theatre itself, so lots of photo taking outside. On the pillars along the lobby are movies names that had won Best Picture over the many years. When the awards is held, they usually close off the roads in front and leading to this theatre.

This is Central Park in Manhattan, New York City. This is the view in summer time, when everyone would take the chance to picnic in the park. Because there's no beach within the city, people would also wear their beach wear (bikinis, etc) and sun-bathe at the park. It's very funny to see that because it just looks so silly that they're in swim wear but there's no water for them to swim in.

This is the famous Rockefeller Christmas tree. They put this up every Christmas until after the new year. You can see the tree in many movies if the setting in around Christmas, eg, Home Alone 2, etc. The people at the bottom of the tree should also let you know roughly how big the tree is. There's always a lot of people at Rockefeller Center around this period, from tourists and locals who are doing their Christmas shopping.

This is Capitol Building in Washington, DC. It's very majestic looking and anyone who gets to DC will think that this is the White House but it's actually not. The White House is actually a very normal looking building. The Capitol is where they have all those senate meetings, etc. When the Presidents take their oath of office, it was in front of this Capitol Building too.

This is the Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco, California. It was a bad day when I went, with fog covering the top part of the bridge. On a good day, one should be able to see the whole bridge. Although it was supposed to be summer, you can see that it's actually quite cold. That's San Francisco for you! Also, the Golden Gate bridge is not gold, it's red!

The very famous Statue of Liberty on Liberty Island, New York. Actually, from New York City itself, you can't see Miss Liberty very clearly. She is like a dot in the distance because the island is some distance away from the city. If you go to Liberty Island, you can't take very good picture also because she is too big. The trick is to take the whole statue when you passed by her on the ship to the island. I've seen her on twice when I went on cruises and only got on the island once to see Miss Liberty.

Follow me!

2009-03-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

I got on Twitter recently. http://twitter.com/wintay You can follow me on it. It's actually a little like small blogs that I will update my feelings and events throughout the day if I'm online. We'll see how it goes. Just something new for me now. Maybe I won't last long there. Ha!

Busy but fulfilling day

2009-03-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

Today I had appointments from noon all the way till night. I was quite tired because I stay up every night to play Mousehunt on Facebook. I say it's fulfilling because at least I'm doing productive things and I always feel happy whenever I do things that I like and it makes me busy, or at least look busy.

During noon, I went to CZ's place for her son's one-year old birthday party. CZ was my senior in Secondary school prefects and girl guides. After she graduated, we have not met up at all, but I send her birthday cards or wishes every year on her birthday. Thus, she always feels very touched by me. We actually lost touch some time back but she found me on Friendster while I was in USA. We have always promised to meet up when I came back to Singapore but never found the time to do so. Last year, when she gave birth, she invited me to her son's full month party but it happened to fall during the week that I was away in Japan. So this time, when she invited me again for the birthday, I had to go. Much as I love children, I have to say that my main purpose in going was to meet up with CZ, rather than to celebrate her son's birthday. Being single and unattached, there's always this situation that I have to attend some social functions alone. Take this time for example. I have not seen CZ for so long. We are bound to have some sort of distance. CZ tried her best to entertain me but she has other guests to attend to too. Also, the more she tried to make me feel at home, the more I feel bad. I did not feel very awkward, since I was there for a little more than an hour only. I just felt that if I'm to remain single, this would happen for the rest of my life. I have to get used to it, I guess

After the party, I left for my tuition. It was a back-to-back tuition session lasting three hours since I'm tutoring a pair of brothers of different levels. That was quite fine actually since I've decided not to flare up at the slightest mistakes. I've learnt to let it go and see them as children who needs my guidance. Instead of raising my voice at them and making them frightened, I should try to be gentle and help them remember their mistakes.

Then, I had to attend a meeting with the Character Building members to prepare for our next semester's programmes. Since I had an hour to spare between tuition and the meeting, I went to the library to look up information for Switzerland. Yishun had a new library and their travel guides are so much more extensive than the AMK branch. I've actually found quite a few books and intend to photocopy them just like what I did at AMK. However, I found that this Yishun branch does not have any photocopying machines! I was quite miffed by it. Left with no choice, I had to choose two books out of my many choices and borrow them home. It was so heavy to carry them home!

Anyway, the character building programme was easy to plan for, with MT's help. MT asked me today how old I am. She is quite new to church and was just beginning to know us. I just said I'm very old, much older than her (she's 17, btw). Well, she said I do not look like I'm old. She said I look more like her and her friends' age. Haha! This means that I look like a teenager. Actually, I'm not sure if MT said this out of compliments or out of insult, because I've realised that she is mature for her age. If she thinks that I do not behave like my age, does she think that I'm childish or immature? Hmm....maybe I shouldn't read too much into it. When someone says something nice, accept it graciously. Ha!

Wish I can use my brain

2009-03-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

I know I have not been writing much. I hate this. Actually I go online almost everyday and everytime I wish to blog. The only problem is I don't have anything to blog about. Usually if I don't have interesting events happening in my life to blog about, I will have some thoughts to share. My lack of topics to blog about means that I've not been thinking or using my brain! *gasps* I have been so addicted to facebook recently that the only thing I wanted to go online is to go Mousehunt and catch mice. Of course, since I've already booked tickets for London, I've been doing a little of research online too. Looking for places to stay and go in Switzerland. Now that I realised that Switzerland is quite an expensive place. It didn't go with the rest of Europe in converting to Euro and while it's currency rate is not sky high, it's standard of living is still high enough for me. I've been trying to look for cheap or affordable hostel online but I guess those really cheap ones do not have websites. Maybe I should look harder.

Ok, I'm rambling now. I hate that I do not have a fixed blogging pattern. When I read others' blogs, they are able to present their thoughts into such nice and interesting reads. I wish I can do that too, but when I start blogging, I just sort of write whatever comes to mind without any pattern. This makes it very confusing to read and seems that my blog has no point to it. I hope I can blog more. Should use my brain more often.

Vacation planning!

2009-03-05T07:19:00.000-08:00

The recent economy downturn has made air tickets more affordable. I have been saving up and wanting to visit my host family in London and finally I'm going! Yes! I'm so happy! There's a promotion going on with SIA and the tickets are really quite reduced from the original prices. However, the stipulation is that it's a two-to-go offer, so I had to ask around to get someone to go with me. Actually, I didn't have that much difficulty looking for someone. The other day, the best friends and I met up for a meal and I just sort of asked WJ casually if she wants to go. I was surprised that she gave a positive reply to me immediately. So, when I got back, I went into serious thinking and planning and find that I should really go!

This is a good time to go not only because of the low cost of air tickets, but also my host family maybe moving back to the States. If they go back, flying to USA would be more expensive than flying to Europe. Also, I have friends in other parts of Europe and this trip to London would be also to meet my friends. So, if my host family move back to USA, it would be a long time before I go to Europe again.

So, today WJ and I made some initial plans and we're confirmed going. We're going to be there for two weeks as WJ says it makes sense to stay longer since we've already flown all the way there. Other than visiting my host family in London, we're going to Germany so I can visit a friend of mine who's German. We were au pairs together in USA and our children used to have playdates together. I really miss her and it's great that we get to catch up in her hometown. After Germany, we're going to go to Switzerland. I have a friend there too, although it's not confirmed that we're meeting up. I met this friend while on tour to Scotland. She's a very sweet girl, very young but mature. We've been keeping in touch. I'm not really that close to this friend but I'm hoping that we can meet up.

Well, there's a bad side to taking this Europe trip. I have to give up going to church camp. It's not really a matter of clash of timings and affordability. Most of the fellowship people are going and I really hate to miss all these memories with them. All the children there for me to play with! But again, I'm giving them up for my little girls, K and B. Although I can afford to go, I don't want to spend all my money and end up being left with nothing for a rainy day. Sigh...you can't always have the best of both worlds.

Pictures to share

2009-02-22T02:55:00.000-08:00

I'm going to share some pictures that I have accumulated in the recent 5-6 years. I really love those that I took in USA, especially all and any of those with Kara and Brigid, but I'm going to limit those pictures as I want to respect my host parents. Maybe they do not want the girls' pictures to be floating around. It's going to be very random pictures but I'll try to explain them as I go along.

This is a sunset that I saw in Scotland. It's the same sunset that I posted at the top of this blog. All of us in the tour group were busy snapping shots of this. Having grown up in a city all my life, this is something very awesome and even till now, I still remember the whole sunset process. We waited till it dark before going off.

This is taken in Alaska. I love how the cloud seems like it's on level with me. The mountain in comparison seems to be much shorter. The view of Alaska is indeed nice but it's not all cold and snowy all year round. I went in the summer and this is how it looks like.

This is a real shot that I took while on a trip in California. Looks like a postcard, right? Actually I was sleeping for most of the time when on the road. I very rarely took pictures or even admire the views. This is a common view of the deserts along expressways when going from one city to another in California.

Yes, I took this picture too! The colour combination is fantastic! This is taken on a tour of 1000 Islands, Ontario, Canada. This is one of the island. Imagine, you can buy one of these island and tell people you own and island! In winter, the people use snow mobiles to get oout of the island to the main land or from island to island.

A picture of me with Kara and Brigid and the snowman we made beside the house in USA. This is not the first snowman I made, so I looked very well. I still miss snow and winter, especially when I'm baking walking on Singapore's streets!

Red Cliff 2, Look for a Star

2009-02-17T00:29:00.000-08:00

Few weeks ago I went to watch Red Cliff 2. Had been wanting to watch it as I watched the first part last year. I like the show very much not only for the actors, but also for the message behind the show. The sceneries in the show are also very enchanting. I have to admit that I'm not one who knows my Chinese history well. I always turn to my oldest brother who has read or knows everything about Chinese history. Although I have not much knowledge or interest in studying Chinese history, I do like to read books or watch shows that show them. Actually, not only Chinese history. When I was younger, my father brought back a book about war fighting. There's a lot of scenarios in the book depicting the strategies to use when fighting a war, the feelings of the author and people around. Same as when I was watching Red Cliff, the thought I had throughout the show was very clear - in a war, no matter whether you lose or win in the end, it's always a lose-lose situation. There is never a win-win situation for anyone when in a war. Much to my surprise and approval, the last words spoken by Tony Leung at the end of the fighting also says pretty much the same thing, 'There's no winner here'. Whenever I watch such shows, I always want to cry. Cry for the poor soldiers who die for the ambitions of whoever they serve. So painful to die by having a sword go through your body or your neck. Bullets are better, I think.

I went to watch 'Look for a Star' yesterday. Of course, it's a must watch because it starred Andy Lau. I'm a hopeless romantic and watching this show, again makes me dream. During the show, I have this revelation that probably because of my thirst for romance, when I can't find it in real life, I can't be satisfied. That is why I'm still single now. I have this sort of idealistic and romantic idea of how a relationship should be like and when I don't find in in real life, I get disappointed and hence, all the guys I'm with are not 'The One'.

I want someone who looks at me and only sees me. I want someone who holds me dearly in their hands. I want someone who loves me second only to God. (Yes, even parents are not excuses. That's the true meaning of two becomes one.) I want someone who is willing to give up everything just for me. (Don't have to really give up, just be WILLING to give up. The key word is willing to and meaning it.) Guess I read too many romance novels. Keep dreaming...

Sick!

2009-02-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

This past whole week I was doing Chinese Language relief teaching at CSS. Due to poor quality of sleep on Sunday night, I was subsequently very tired on Monday and Tuesday itself. On Wednesday, I woke up in the morning not feeling at all well. I know I have a sore throat as my throat was very painful even with swallowing my saliva. So, I went through the motions of getting ready to go to school but I felt not good at all. Having a hunch that I may have a fever, I took my temperature. Sure enough, 37.7 degrees C. But since I'm doing relief, I don't feel good to call the school and ask them to find someone on so short notice to relief the relief teacher. So, I stuck it out and went to school.

The whole day, I was like very tired and not feeling good at all. I didn't eat anything although I was very hungry. My through hurts so much that I didn't think I can swallow anything. During classes, I was mostly moving slowly and sitting down most of the time. Good thing I was doing relief for secondary school and don't have to do any teaching and not much discipline to do.

Anyway, after school ended, I had to rush for tuition with my student. I was extremely tired at this point but this session of tuition is when I'll collect my fees. I hate to wait for another week. I was debating whether I should cancel or not. Then, I was also thinking whether I should go see the doctor. If I want to see the doctor, I have to go before my tuition because by the time tuition finish, the clinic would be closed and I have to wait till night. However, as it is, I'm already late for my tuition. But I made the decision to go see the doctor before tuition. My main motive is to get the medicine. I thought that my fever has already subsided when I went to see the doctor. However, when the doctor took my temperature, it has gone up to 38.4 degrees C!

To cut long story short, I went for tuition after seeing the doctor. Good thing, she only needs me to teach her spelling. Which means I can sit there and just test her. After tuition, I went home, had a shower, took my medicine, and went straight to bed at 6pm. I was again debating whether to call in sick at the school the next day as the doctor gave me two days MC. But, my sense of responsibility won again. I slept from 6pm to 6am the next day, where I got up feeling better and went for teaching again. Of course, I didn't sleep for the full 12 hours. Was waking up on the off when my family members came home. What was most amazing about my sickness was that nobody, and I mean NO ONE knows that I was sick. No one in school noticed, I didn't inform my family members because I don't see them. Sigh, such a sad thing right?

Today is Valentine's day. For the sixth year, I celebrate it with....no one. Yap, has been single for the past six years. I hope God take pity on me and show me someone whom I spend the rest of my life with soon.

Helpless

2009-02-05T02:17:00.000-08:00

Today I did something that I feel guilty about. Well, not that guilty but then I feel bad. I made my tuition student cry. She comes from a broken family. Her parents do not live with her and she's brought up by her maternal grandparents. That's also the reason why she is so weak in her studies. She can't even spell simple words like 'grandmother', 'around' or 'agree'. She's in Primary Four already!

Well, the reason she cried was because I was quite strict with her and she can't take it. I threaten to not teach her anymore and for her to find another teacher. She's afraid her grandmother would scold her, so she has to accede to my demands. You know, I always can't stand students who are too slow to get what I'm saying. However, I always remind myself that if they're clever or smart, they wouldn't need me to tutor them. So, I realise that I don't mind that you're slow. What I can't stand is that the student doesn't put in effort or not willing to learn. That puts me off so much and makes me very angry. I may seem as patient and kind and loving to children, but actually when it comes to areas of disciplining, teaching and learning, I'm very strict and demanding. I can be very crazy when playing, sometimes to the point of not caring so much about safety, but when it comes to studies, I would always apply my own standards to the children I teach. I wouldn't say that I'm very clever, but I like to think that I'm smart. A lot of times, I can't get things or concepts very fast and I used to demand this of my students. I then realise that not everyone is able to grapse things as fast.

Anyway, I can't stand my student because now that she is used to me, she starts to talk back. She also is very, very stubborn, wanting to do things her way. The thing is, she is very good in wasting time and I always feel that time is wasted in her doing things her own way. When I tried to tell her nicely, she refuses to listen. You know, the main purpose I'm hired is to help her study for her spelling, both English and Chinese! She can study that on her own! I want to help her with Maths concepts, English grammar and vocabulary but she doesn't want. She even wants me to just sit there and watch or help her with Art and Craft! I just feel that it's such a waste of time and money for her.

Ok, I should stop ranting. Kids nowadays are no longer the obedient sort like when I was a kid. I was always afraid of my teachers. When I was in primary school, I was so afraid of my teachers that I do not even dare to ask for permission to go toilet. I would always try to hold my bladder till a suitable time to go. Sigh...times are changing.

New beginnings...

2009-02-03T02:29:00.000-08:00

This is my first post on the new blog site. Finally have some time to blog. Have been wanting to blog about a lot of things. Initially was because Friendster blog makes me so frustrated. Now it's because I have no time to blog.

Why did I say new beginnings? Well, Chinese New Year is over and I think for me a new year will start only now. Actually had a nanny job that was more or less confirmed to start in March. However, in the midst of letting go of current tuition assignments and relief teaching, I got more and more offers. This made me rethink my decision of accepting the nanny job. The hours are too long and though it offers fixed pay, the pay is not that fantastic, though I maybe doing what I like. But I think if I keep doing what I'm doing now, I can still make a decent living and still have my freedom. I like the fact that I have the flexibility to decide my working hours. If I need more money, I just have to get more tuition students.

Anyway, I'm on a quest recently. On a quest to find the ideal vacation location. This year marks the year that me and my best friends of over 15 years turns into the big Three O. Instead of giving each other presents as what we've been doing for all these years, I suggested that we save up the money on buying presents and all 4 of us go on a vacation together, since we have not done that at all. Yes, we've known each other for so long but have not gone on a holiday together. We have gone in twos, in threes, but never all four of us. We all have different work schedules and vacation time and different budgets, so it's kinda tricky. I'm assigned to search out the different locations an options. since I have a budget and I want to make sure that I get my money worth on what I'm paying for.

Well, we can't go too far as the taking of leave for the other would be too tricky. I'm leaning towards Bali, but they have suggested Redang in Malaysia too. Have been trying to find some deals online and Redang is just too troublesome to get to. My searches have been heavily on Bali. Haha. We still have not decided on when to go. That's another of the problem. I really hope to find some good deals. Every year I wanted to go to London to see the Lynches but every year just can't bear to spend such a big chunk of my money. Just the flight alone makes me feel as if I'm having a heart attack.

Will see bah. Maybe I should really take on more tuition assignments.

Moving to a new blog page

2009-01-27T09:31:00.000-08:00

I have enough of Friendster blog. Now, it allows me to log in and post, but the page takes some time to load. I’m just too tired and sick of all the waiting. I also am afraid of losing all my previous posts, so I decided to move my blog.

The new blog is here. Anyway, I can’t find any program that allows me to be able to move the whole of my Friendster blog to blogger, inclusing the comments. So, I have to do this move manually. It is a very tedious process, so my new blog is still a work-in-progress. Also, since I wanted to keep all the dates and times to be the same as the original postings, including the comments, you can see that I even posted the comments left by my friends in the main posting body page. Can’t be helped. When my new blog is all moved, anyone can leave feel free to leave their comments through the comments link.

Since my new blog site is not fully completed, I will still keep using Friendster blog and when I’ve finished moving, I will post all my postings on both blogs. I will do it as long as Friendster blog allows me to. As I’ve said before, not every time that I log into Friendster blog, it allows me to.

I have lots to say about my Chinese New Year but I want to get back to my moving of blogs. Some other time, maybe.

Fed up with Friendster blog!

2009-01-07T13:59:00.000-08:00

I really had enough of this Friendster blog. Ever since they changed to this new layout and format, I had trouble logging in to update my blog. I can go to the Friendster homepage but when I try to go to the blog page, it will always show me the ‘Website not available / there’s an internet connection problem’ page. So fed up with it! I can’t even use the url to access my blog. I don’t know if anyone tried to access my blog to read, but I can’t read my blog!

That’s why, I have been thinking of moving my blog to another host. I actually have another blog page with blogger. But I don’t want to lose all my previous entries here at Friendster. The earlier ones contain my experiences in USA and are my memories. I also have all these comments from friends and they are precious to me too.

I have tried to google online on how to export from Friendster blog to other blog pages. But the instructions all come with lots of computer jargon or steps that I get stuck at certain points. This makes me very frustrated. I hope to get the new blog page up and running so I can blog whenever I feel like it. With this Friendster blog, I can’t log in to blog when I have inspiration. Only reason why I can log in now is because I’m blogging in the middle of the night.

So frustrating! I want to move my blog but being tied by my previous entries. Someone help me!!

You know you’re an Au Pair in the USA when…

2008-12-21T10:42:00.000-08:00

Recently joined this group in Facebook. The points below are so appropriate and applicable. To let you know more about the lives of au pairs in the USA, I decided to post this in my blog. Of course, not all the situations are true for all au pairs. This depends very much upon the kind of host family you have and the family situation they are in. I would say that about 60-70% of the points stated are true for me. The point about napping…oh, so true! Ha!

You know you’re an Au Pair in the USA when…
…you always introduce yourself with : ‘Hi! my name is (your name), I’m from (country) and I have (number of children you are taking care of) children!!’
…everybody is greeting you with a ‘Hi.How are you?’
and you can’t respond fast enough, so you say it first!
…the worst thing is, when the dad is working from home
…you know what a S’MORE is
…you spent all your money at the MALL and you still have nothing to wear
…you hate Dora, The Wiggles and Thomas
…you say silly instead of stupid
…you go to PLAYDATES
…you’ve seen more movies in one month than in your whole life at home
…you drive over 30 minutes to a friend and you think it’s not far
…you only have other Au Pairs as your friends
…you can make bacon
…you say ‘like’ and ‘totally’ every three words
…someone has asked you stupid questions like:
- ‘do you have cars in your country?’ - ‘You don’t have Valentine’s day?’ - ‘Where is your country?’
…you don’t think it’s wrong to have cake AND ice cream
…you park as close to the store as possible so you don’t have to walk even one yard too far
…you cherish moments of silence more than ever before
…you notice yourself saying ‘GOOD JOB’ a hundred times a day
…you wonder why you slept the whole night long so uncomfortable and you notice the next morning, you slept on a barbie, a lollypop, sandtoys etc
.…you need to be creative to find new punishments because a time-out doesn’t work anymore ;)
…you have to admit to mistakes you never did or put the blame on you day for day
…you’re sure you don’t want own kids within the next 100 years
…you know now exactly how difficult it was for your parents to have little kids and you feel like saying thanks for all you’ve done to your mum and dad every day
…you’re ready to drink anytime of the day
…you start to love disney movies again and can copy every passage of them
…you’ve learned what it means to be patient
…you know what a LCC is
…you know that you should never SHAKE A BABY !!!
…you take a nap after you drop off the kids at school(even though you just woke up 2hrs ago :D)
…you are DRIVING to the busstop to pick up your kids, which is only 200 meters from your house.
…the kids call you mum cause you spend too much time with them…
…you think $160 every weekend just for shopping and coffee are not that much
…one cup of coffee doesn`t make you awake anymore, it just makes you alive
…you or your friends are KELLERKINDER!!!!
…you miss the good ol’ days when you were able to go to the bakery and get real bread w/ real butter (not that American shit called bread..haha)
…you don’t walk into the bank, you use the drive in to get your money
…you use Purell instead of washing your hands
…instead of singing songs from the radio, you’re singing childrens’ songs

Andy Lau’s Wondeful World Concert is really…wonderful

2008-12-16T09:38:00.000-08:00

Went to Andy Lau’s concert last Friday Had a great time! Although I went alone, all by myself, I surprised myself by having a very, very good time there. I think the main reason was that I sat next to some cool fans like me and they allow me to be able to express myself in the concert. Had been a long time since I let myself open up so totally and so freely. I screamed myself hoarse, sang together with Andy and just enjoyed being an adoring fan. Andy is just so handsome and charming beyond words!

Well, everytime I see Andy Lau in person, I find myself falling in love with him all over again. It happens everytime. It is very different from watching him on tv or in movies. Seeing a person in person really makes the difference. Me, being a person of extreme fantasies and imagination, will often fantasize about what will happen if I had really see Andy in person, i.e I’m able to touch him and he’s able to touch me. I’m too proud a person and I like to think myself as extraordinary enough to not want just a touch. I want to be more than just a normal fans, like so many thousands of fans around the world. I want wish that I can be someone that if I do meet Andy in person, he would remember me. Positively. That’s the key. I don’t want him to remember me negatively, like the fan who committed suicide because her family disapproves of her affection for Andy. I want him to remember me in a positive way and not think of me as an ordinary fan. Anyway, it’s all in my head. Never would happen. Well, the world in my head often is the key to helping me survive in the real world.

Confused about language

2008-12-11T09:22:00.000-08:00

I have been in contact with a lot of people lately. The latest one was with an American Korean. He has a localised American accent and when speaking with him, I discovered that I’m able to speak good English too. It also always amazes me whenever I hear Chinese/Asian children speak English in perfect American accent. This is the same for K and B. Whenever I talk to them, it sometimes makes me sad that they speak American accented English effortlessly but struggle with their Mandarin, which is their roots.

In my previous post, I mentioned that S came to S’pore recently. Whenever I talk to her, I struggle whether I should switch to my American accent English or just be myself and speak in my Singapore accented English. It was no problem when we were in USA, because everyone around us are having the same accent. In S’pore, I always feel so phony if I try to speak American English.

Now, I realise that I can speak English in three ways. One, I can be super Singlish. Most of the time, I do that when I talk to my very close friends, i.e, my best friends and friends from church and their children, especially to the children. Those children, influenced by their parents, speak very Singaporean English. If I try to speak good English to them, I don’t think they would understand me.

Second, I speak better English. This is when I try to leave out the ‘lah’s, ‘loh’s, ‘leh’s. I also try not to have a flat tone to my speaking. I heard from a friend while in USA that the reason why people can’t understand Singlish is because we speak too fast and we speak with a flat tone. This second type of better English is when I talk to my English-speaking friends, i.e, people from work or friends from JC. These people are all still Singaporeans but they don’t like or don’t speak Mandarin well.

The third kind would be too try to speak in American accented English. I speak this when I talk to my host family, to my overseas friends or to people from Western countries. I enjoyed watching American shows partly because I like how natural to them that they can pronounce their words correctly with all the ‘th’s and ‘r’s. When I try to speak American English, I do get my tongue tied sometimes and even misplaced my ‘r’s in some words but you can make up for it by highlighting the tone of your sentences. Just be more animated and not have a flat tone, then the words would come out right.

A friend recently told me that when I first came back from the States, I had a bit of American accent when I speak English. I didn’t realised that myself. I did struggle with myself whether I would want to speak proper English when I came back but it’s very hard to do that without sounding totally phony and being fake. I also didn’t want my friends to think I was being snobbish too.

Anyway, after my travels abroad, I really dislike people who can’t speak good English. Not that I look down on them, but the biggest turn off to me in a guy has become that he speaks in Singlish. I have always been the quiet sort who doesn’t speak much but I’ve always known that I can write better. But a guy who can’t speak good English when the occasion calls for it, needs to brush up on himself. That being said, I’m not saying that I’m far superior in my language skills. Just that I’m proud to know the difference between good bad ones.

Happy being busy!

2008-11-12T02:30:00.000-08:00

I am so busy these two weeks! S came from NYC for a 3 week holiday and since she was such a good host to me during my time in USA, I had to reciprocate the favour. What’s more, it’s been so long since we saw each other, I’m glad for the opportunity to catch up with her.

Last Friday S wanted to go sun-bathing, so we went to Sentosa. I was such fun! This is my first time sun-tanning and because it was a weekday, there are less people at the beach. Most of them are Caucasians too. Had a good time ogling at bikini girls and guys (not that they’re very good looking). S was not satisfied until she caught all the sun and made sure that she’s very tanned. We stayed there for 4 hours. I think I caught a heat stroke. When we were leaving, I nearly fainted. Good thing I brought water and managed to finished it all and so avoided an embarrassing moment. Was apologetic to S though. I’m so weak! Anyway, I had a great time at Sentosa that day. I don’t mind going there again next time to sun-bathe. I just have to make sure I bring lots of water to keep myself hydrated!

This week, I had to relief teach at Canberra Pri on Monday and Tuesday. They’re both in the morning and I had to wake up very early! Not easy for me, who’s so not a morning person! Anyway, S called me up during Tuesday morning to meet her for lunch. She had two friends from NYC who are on a tour of South East Asia and happened to be in town. I was very tired and planned to go home after school to sleep my day away but I’m so glad that I went to meet them! Being with S and her two guy friends, I’m like transported back to my days in the States. They all spoke with an American accent and I find myself using my long-forgotten accent also. Also, since I used to live in the States, we had a lot of topics to talk about and I find myself no longer the one to just sit and listen, as I do so often with my own friends. It was so natural to find myself contributing my opinions and thoughts. I guess one thing that being in USA has taught me is that if I don’t open up, I would be ignored. Americans are very vocal and they can go on and on and if you choose to remain silent, they would not ask you to voice out or ask you what’s wrong. If I choose to remain quiet, they would respect my choice.

After being tour guides to the two American friends, we met up with another two friends of one of the two and went to a bar at Devonshire Road. I was so tired then from lack of sleep and had a splitting headache. What’s more, I was having that time of the month which makes it real uncomfortable. But I find myself also enjoying the time just talking and getting to know all these people. Our topics can range from politics (the recent hoo-ha about the Presidential Elections), differences between men and women and very often, differences in social attitudes in Singapore and USA. It was such am enriching night and we never run out of topic to talk about. I was able to also offer my opinions freely because all of us have been around both countries and have common understanding of issues.

I’m so glad to meet up with S again. She’s thinking of seriously moving back to Singapore from NYC. If she does that, I can envision us doing more fun things together. Being Westernised, S doesn’t bring with her the usual conservative notions that I’m used to with other Singaporean friends. I can unleash my other adventurous side with her, that I can’t with others. I really, really hope things will go well with S and to see her in Singapore soon!

Touched

2008-10-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot of this friend recently. Many years ago, she did something that till this day, I’m still very touched by it. It was a very small thing but I remember it well. Perhaps because up till now, no one else has done the same thing or even something close to what she did. Maybe because it is something that I myself may do to another person and I never expected someone to do the same to me.

This friend and me were friends in JC. We were not classmates. We were friends from the same ECA( yes, it was called ECA in my days, not CCA). We were both Student Councillors. As such, we had a councillor room and while other students had to pay rental fees for having lockers in the school, we had lockers/cubby holes right in our councillor room for each individual councillor, for free! CK and I were in the same committee in the councillor. I like to say that all councillors are close and enjoy each other’s company, but the fact is, we’re not. But I love my fellow councillors. In fact, other than my days in council, I can’t remember much about the studying in JC part. I enjoy JC so much because of the fact that I’m a councillor. That explains my crappy ‘A’ levels results. Anyway, back to the point. Due to the fact that CK and I were in the same committee, we get to work on some projects together sometimes and when it’s over, sometimes we go home together. By going home together, I mean just walking to the bus stop together.

One day, there was a pasar malam at the housing blocks outside our school. CK and I were walking to the bus stop together and were talking about the pasar malam. We were saying that maybe we should find one day during the week to go to the pasar malam (they usually last for a week). I was agreeing to go together and happened to mentioned that I would like to get ‘muah chee’ from the pasar malam as that is my favourite food. This was only mentioned in passing and then we headed home.

The next day after school, I went to the council room to take some books from my cubby hole (we always head for our cubby holes after school to decide if we want to take or leave our school books home). Upon opening my cubby hole, lo and behold, I found a box of ‘muah chee’ in there! It was in a red plastic bag and there’s a note attached. I can’t remember much of what was written, but I still have the note with me (lazy to go hunt it up). The overall meaning is that CK remembers that I mentioned that I like ‘muah chee’ so she got it from the pasar malam when she went there. I was so touched then that I was tearing up. It was such a sweet gesture.

I guess now I’m thinking of this thing that had happened so long ago (more than 10 years ago) is because I lament the fact that while I’m still touched by the act so many years later, I don’t keep in contact with the person anymore. True, we have each other’s contact numbers, we’re friends on Facebook (I think), but we don’t call or talk or meet up! The last I saw her was at her wedding and that was two years ago. After that, we don’t contact anymore. Although CK did something small to touch me, we were never very close. Close enough that she invited me to her wedding, which I was very honoured, but not close enough that we talk often. It’s only during council days, when we had to work together that we talk. Both of us had our own circle of good friends.

No matter what we do, every small act may be an act of kindness to some one else. On the opposite end, every small act may be an act of cruelty to another person. Be very careful how we act as many years later, our actions may still be remembered by the person we performed it on, be it good or bad. I’m guilty of many bad actions. After all, no one is perfect. I try my best to do small things that touch people, not hoping that it will be remembered, but hoping that it will brighten someone’s day, just like how it brightens up mine that day, so many years ago.

An Irish Blessing

2008-10-08T02:17:00.000-07:00

May the road rise to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

May the sun shine warm upon your face

May the rains fall soft upon your fields

And until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand

Miss Tay, can I go to the toilet?

2008-09-26T02:47:00.000-07:00

The past week has been sort of busy for me again. Thanks to M in church, I got to go to her primary school to do relief teaching for her primary 2 class. So, on Monday and Tuesday I went to DZ’s school for Chinese Conversation classes, Wednesday and Thursday at M’s school for relief teaching and Friday to DZ’s school again for Chinese Conversation.

I didn’t realise that I takes so much to relate and ‘take care’ of thirty or so of 8 year olds. They are so full of energy and never shuts their mouths! There’s always someone who comes to me to complain of someone else bad-mouthing him/her, or someone coming to complain of me not calling them to answer questions and the winner of it all, is as the title says. I’m sick of hearing, ‘Miss Tay, can I go to the toilet?’ What’s wrong with their bladder anyway? They’re still so young! And I thought I go to the toilet often enough! I don’t remember going to the toilet so often during my primary school days. In fact, I don’t even dare to ask my teacher permission to go toilet. I would always try to hold till I really can’t bear with it anymore. Such was my respect and fear towards my teachers. However, the children these days are so daring. They openly criticise you, complain about you, and even talk back to you in such a way that it’s almost rude!

Of course, it doesn’t help that I pulled a nerve/muscle again on my right shoulder blade. Was so stiff on Wednesday when I woke up. I couldn’t lift my hands, turn my head to the right side or even look down. All this and I still had to keep up with a bunch of energetic kids! I had no choice but to go down to ‘Chien Chi Tow’ at Yishun on Wednesday evening after school to have my back massaged. It was such a torture, I tell you. The fact that I was already in pain already makes my back untouchable. The person had to use like all her strength on me. It was like being in a torture chamber. When I complained, she said she didn’t use much strength. Oh my. It was excruciating pain. But because I had to go through another day with the children the next day, I clenched my fist, grit my teeth and bore with the pain. I can feel my whole back having blue-black all over when I came back. At least I think it worked. I can turn and move my head now. I just cannot sit without moment for long or my back will cramp up and any movement will be painful.

So glad that another week has passed. I will be really jobless from next week on. The job I had hope to get didn’t go through, so I have to start all over again. Pray….

The past…is past…

2008-09-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

I was looking through my gmail, where I kept all my past emails from during the time I went to the States until now. Yes, I keep all the emails that all important to me. In fact, all the replies that were sent to me when I sent out my updates of my life, I kept in the gmail account. It is so big that I still have not even reached 20% of the storage space.

So, anyway, I was looking through the emails. At the same time I was reading the mails that I sent out updating about my life in USA and everything that I did there. Really brings back lots of memories and as I was reading, the images came flooding into my head. The house, the girls, the Lynches, the neighbourhood, the neighbours, my au pair friends and many, many more. I could even trace back to when I went to a city for travel and what I did in certain months! I was such a regular writer! Ha!

I also went through the replies that were sent to me by my friends. It was real heart-warming, touching and sad at the same time. Heart-warming because I’m reminded of the encouragements and positive words through the emails that some friends sent to me when I was abroad. Touching because I’m reminded of the things that some friends offered to help me when I was in a foreign land. Some offered to send me things from home, some opened up their places for me to visit while I was there, etc. Sad because in a lot of ways, many things had changed since then and I don’t even hear or see from those same friends who offered me the support that I needed back when I wanted them to.

It seems that I was closer to my friends when I was not physically there with them. Such is the nature of humans. We only cherish when something is not around. In the emails, there are many lines of, ‘I miss you’, ‘I wish you were here’, etc. Also, many of my dear friends are more willing to bare their thoughts to me through emails. It seems that we’re very shy when it comes to talking face-to-face. Never in a million years would we be so frank and update with as much details as when we are not talking in person. D and YY used to email me with some sort of regularity when I was in USA. Now that I’m back, I don’t even see them anymore. I do care about them as they were an important part of my growing up years into an adult. D even mentioned in one of the earlier emails that he missed the days when we had Friday nights suppers, talking and sharing. I do miss those days too but now that I’m actually back, everyone has moved on to another point in their life and no one seems to be willing to stop and think or listen.

Well, just getting a little nostalgic. I’m always doing this sort of things. I used to always take my primary and secondary school autograph books out and just think about my friends. I also often look through photo albums to remember better and happier times. I’m just someone who just can’t stay out of trouble. Like the title, the past, is past…

Dennis
October 1, 2008 at 10:45 am

Well, just to let you know that i do still keep a point to visit your blog and hear your thoughts once in a while. It’s been a while since we folks and the rest last met. I bumped into YY the other day and chatted alittle. Its true that things are different now as we all going thru different paths of our lives. And somehow, and strangely, i kind of know u more of a person , through your writing, rather than in person. Well that’s beside the point.

Anyway just dropping by to say hi and to show that i am still breathing and strong, haha. Hope the same goes for you.

Dennis

End of a busy week

2008-09-19T00:53:00.000-07:00

Last week was a very crazy week for me. Seems all of a sudden, everything comes at the same time. I was asked by the school that I was teaching part-time to do relief teaching for a whole week for one of the Chinese teacher. This means that I have to wake up at 6am and be in school by 7.30am. That’s not all. They have a stupid system that we have to work for5.5 hrs each day to qualify for a full day pay. The official school hours are already 7.40am to 1.10pm. That is exactly 5.5hrs. They even stated that they do not pay for lunch hours. So, I’m expected to stay longer at the school in order to fulfill the required hours just so I can get what I deserved. What a stupid system. No teacher will have classes for the whole 5.5hrs throughout and they expect you to be having classes all day.

Anyway, other than getting up at 6am everyday, I also have the choir singing for gospel rally at Indoor Stadium last week. Other than Monday, which I was free, I had choir in church on Tuesday and from Wednesday to Sunday night, I was at Indoor Stadium. Everyday got back at 11pm plus, close to 12am. The next day go to school. It was really a very busy and tiring time. Not only do I feel tired everyday, I spent a lot on travelling time and fares too.

Want to talk about the gospel rally. It was my very first time listening to the whole series of talks by Rev. Stephen Tong. He is a very intelligent person. While he is able to use a lot of examples in his talks, I find it too fast and intellectual for the common people. Other than the talk on the last Sunday night, the rest of the nights have talks that require one to sit at attention and listen carefully to all that he’s talking. If at any point you get distracted or even takes time to think about what he was saying, you will lose the whole tread of his talk. That being said, I enjoyed this chance in participating in the choir for this rally. I enjoyed learning the hymns and glad to have the chance to be with other people who shows such good vocal prowess. It is a marked difference from the choir standards that we have at church. Shows that when you have the time to really practise, a song or hymn can be sung well.

Now that I finally have the time to relax, I start to pay for last week’s fatign. My throat starts to get sore. Makes even swallowing saliva painful. Then, I had my period. The painful cramps! Then, I had something of a heart burn or something. The last time I told the doctor I had this problem, he suspected me to have gallstones. After doing an expensive ultra sound test, it shows that I’m in good health. I was told to eat some medicine but it didn’t really help. The only solution is to sleep it off.

Well, next week will be the last week of the part-time teaching. I have to get some other job to earn some money. Have a job that is in the works now. I really hope it goes through, meaning that it will at least pay decently. It will be something that I will love. Pray, Pray.

Change of layout!

2008-09-05T03:08:00.000-07:00

Friendster has made a change to their blog site. I decided to change to it early since eventually everyone will need to change. Thought of changing my blog colours and theme at the same time but the choices offered are not that great. I don’t like my blog to have a white background. Other than black, there’s 2 other choices - pink and blue. I like the pink one but it has flowers and hearts as side pictures and I think it’s too much for my character. The blue one has a big lotus at the top. Makes me think of Buddist themes. Since I’m a Christian, I decided against it. So, once again, it’s still back to plain old black. Ha! Still getting used to the new blog functions. I can’t find the button that allows me to enlarge the text, like the old one has. I also don’t see the button for attaching pictures, although there is a ‘Add media’ thing but the window that pops up seems complicated. Never mind. I’ll deal with it when I need to upload pictures.

I recently registered to be a relief teacher. Just when MOE has sent me the form confirming my registration, I got a call from Dezhong’s school wanting me to take relief classes for a week for one of the Chinese teacher. Talk about good timing. Anyway, will do this for some time and see how. Hopefully these experiences of relief teaching and teaching the Conversation Mandarin will help me in my application for a full-time teacher.

Lots of happenings lately on the home front. Not going to talk about that as I don’t want anyone to know. Very complicated. I know my brothers and me taking the passive stand is not helping but we just feel too laid back for too long to be active in it now. I’m still praying that things will go well. I just know that I need money. Lots of money. At the same time, I do not want to lose my sense of identity. There’s ways to earn money. Getting a proper job, staying in an office and hating the thought of getting up every morning is one way. I really do not want to do that. Call me selfish but despite all the problems, I still want to do the things that define me. That makes me comfortable and happy. I deserve happiness even though there’s so much unhappiness around, right? Well, the next week and months are crucial periods. We’ll just have to take it as it comes along.

Welcome party for Team Singapore

2008-08-27T02:59:00.000-07:00

On Monday, I followed Dezhong and his students to go to the welcome party for Team Singapore. Actually I didn’t want to go as I know it will be very crowded and just lazy and tired to go all the way there. However, to my surprise, I had a very good time and enjoyed the interaction with the students.

We went to Clark Quay first to wait for the athletics passing by on Hippo buses. We waited for an hour just to see them for less them 5 mins. What a big waste of time. Main duty there was to wave and cheer for the athletics when they passed. A big boost of their egos, I guess.

The students at the bus stop waiting for the athletics to pass by.

The officials from Team Singapore also at Clark Quay

to cheer for the team.

Can you see Li Jia Wei, Feng Tian Wei and Wang Yue Gu?

After cheering at Clark Quay, we proceeded to Raffles City for the final party. It was a bonus to all of us to see JJ Lin performing there.

Team Singapore and the golden girls

When would it be my turn?

2008-08-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday there was a fellowship committee meeting at ZC & Z’s house. During the meeting, we always get distracted by our topics and got to talk about our life in general or some sharing. Z was talking about her newborn baby and the difficulties and helplessness of her in caring for the baby. She was saying that she doesn’t even dare to go for spa massage because she’s afraid that she might be dripping milk from her breasts. Haha! She also shared on her difficult first month with the baby, especially at night, to the point that her mum was worried that she might get post-natal depression.

As I was listening to Z talk about her difficulties, along with sympathies and concern for her, I also felt a very distinct feeling of envy. Now, although I have vast experience with babies and children, it is different from child-birth. Having never experienced it, I can never understand the pains and problems that comes from the whole issue, from pregnancy to labour. Z was saying that other mothers in the fellowship has been giving her advice along the way which she’s very grateful and thankful for. I can’t give any advice because I’ve not experienced it. The advice I sometimes give to others are all that I read or heard from others. Even the advice I give on how to discipline and educate children or to handle children are sometimes not being listened to seriously because people think that I do not have my own children and therefore not competent enough to dole out advices.

Recently there’s a lot of talks and seminars from private organizations on childcare, how to handle or communicate with your children or education, things like that. In most of these seminars, they always invite celebrity parents to give talks on their child-rearing ways. I really don’t understand about that. Just because they are celebrities, just because they become parents now, suddenly they become very good with children or they become good parents. What bulls**t is that? Just because a person becomes a parent does not mean that the person is a walking encyclopedia on all things to do with children. If that’s true, why are there still bad parents around? Why are there still cases of child abuse?

Anyway, back to the first topic. Yes, as I was listening to Z talk about her dealings with her son, I keep thinking that at least she has these problems to deal with. I wish to have these problems but I don’t even have the chance. I was also thinking whether I would ever have the chance to experience the same difficulties, the same emotions, as Z. This brings me back to when I was 10. Young girls at 10 will always have a talk in school by the nurses on their upcoming changes in their body, i.e period or menstruation. I was so hyped up by the nurses and very fascinated by the use and function of the sanitary pads that I still remember I told my mum that I can’t wait for my periods to arrive so I can use those pads. My mum said that I was crazy. I was indeed crazy! Oh, the menstrual pains and troublesome changing of pads! Well, at least I know that my menstrual will come eventually, but will I eventually get to be a wife and a mum? That is something that is only a probability and not an eventuality.

When would it be my turn?

Hard work does not equal results

2008-08-21T03:26:00.000-07:00

I love to watch the gymnastics event of the Olympics, especially the women’s event. The event just draw me. Though each routine takes only a few minutes or even seconds to finish, I know that they put in a lot of hard work into it, maybe even their whole life.

The other I was watching the Men’s Artistic Gymnastics - Individual Apparatus finals. It was the floor exercise. One of the competitor was a gymnast from Brazil, Diego Hypolito. The commentator said he’s a World Champion on floor exercise. During the whole routine, Diego was doing good. During the last tumble, he unexpectedly sat down. Normally, when an athletic did not do well in their event, they would mask their disappointments, sadness and emotions very well with a straight face. Sometimes the closest they showed something would be to give a shrug of the shoulders. This Diego, when he sat down, he gave a face of, "I can’t believe I did that" look. When he climbed up to leave the stage, his face slowly crumpled up and he was tearing. When he went to sit on the chairs, he was holding his face and head in his hands and shaking his head form time to time. During the rest of the competition, when others are doing the routine, I would see this Diego sitting there, with his face crumpled up, even crying a bit. He would even mumble to himself, maybe going through in his head what went wrong. He was so inconsolable.

Till now, I still can’t forget the look of despair and unbelief of this Diego. My heart goes all out to him for his mistake. Maybe in the end even if he did everything well in the routine, he won’t get a medal. But I believe to every athletic, doing his/her best is the best form of answer to their hard work. When you did something well, you have answered to yourself. The results rest on the judges and if they think you are not good enough, you accept it. However, when you made a mistake, there’s always the question in your mind of, "What if?" Maybe if I didn’t make the mistake, I would get a medal.

I really keep thinking of this Diego’s face. Really hope he can pick himself up again and see him in London Olympics in 2012.

Exercise

2008-08-17T04:32:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post before I go watch the finals of the Women’s table tennis. I went for jogging at Bishan park just now(finally!) I would love to say that it was invigorating and feels good, but I don’t feel that, actually. I’ve stopped jogging for a little more than 2 years. Had been jogging regularly during my stay in USA as there was a treadmill in the house. My host mum would be someone who would wake up at 5.30am or 6am to jog before going to work at 7am. Inspired by her, I also picked up the habit of jogging. Of course, being a not morning person, I would NOT wake up so early to jog. I usually do it when both the girls are in school and I exercise after sending them to school in the morning. This would be usually 2-3 times a week. Since coming back to Singapore, the hot weather has been something that I’ve been adjusting to and I absolutely hate it that it’s so hot sometimes. Thus, always the same excuse to not exercise.

Anyway, when I started jogging just now, I felt the rust in my right knee, which has always been giving me problems. So I started slow. I had to jog a bit, walk a bit. This gives my body a chance to warm up and get used to the rhythm of jogging again. However, this also means that whenever my heart starts to pump hard, I would have to stop. It also kinda defeats the purpose of jogging in the first place! Seems like I never did any exercise at all. Towards the end of my run, I can feel my right leg cramping up, so I was walking a lot. I did about 22 sit up after the run. Can feel the stitch in my stomach now. Haha. Makes me feel that I did something good to my body.

I hope I can keep up this exercise routine. Hate the feeling of being so breathless and going to faint. Well, other than to lose weight, I hope to b more healthy too! Ok, time to watch Olympics. Till next time…!

This is why I like Andy Lau

2008-08-11T03:17:00.000-07:00

Andy's concert in Chengdu, China. The fan was whacked by security officers after giving flowers to Andy. Andy Lau jumped down to defend his fan despite the concert being ongoing. Andy rocks!

Motherhood

2008-08-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a strange dream. Strange because I do not know whether it’s a good dream or a bad one. You know the feeling sometimes when you woke up and you know that you had a dream. It can leave you feeling happy because it was a sweet dream or it can leave you scary or unhappy because it was a bad one. Well, when I woke up, I still remember what my dream was but it was something that I can’t put to words and there’s a lot of mixed feelings that comes with it.

I put my title as ‘Motherhood’ because that’s what my dream was about. I dreamt that I had a baby! No, not the giving birth process and the pain and all that. Just that I had a baby. It was a boy. The baby was very young too, like around 2-3 months. Must be the after-effects of carrying ZC & Zer’s 1 month old baby. Anyway, in the dream, the baby is mine. No specifics about how the baby looks like. No, doesn’t look like baby Daniel because it’s my baby and the dream was very clear about that and so it very clearly showed me that the baby is not baby Daniel’s face.

Ok, this is embarrassing but in the dream, I get to breast feed my baby! Haha. I’ve always enjoyed carrying and taking care of babies and children. All the children I have played with and carried, I can efficiently attend to all their needs…except feed them. This is something which I’ve always regretted because I’ve always wondered about the feeling of breast feeding. Will you be able to feel the milk flowing out of you? Will it be painful? Will you be able to have milk coming our of your breast when you just sort of press your breast, things like that. So, in the dream, I get to experience it and it was great to be able to have my own baby!

Well, next thing to ask would be, ‘Who’s the father?’. In the dream, the baby doesn’t have a father. I just had a baby! Dreams are supposed to be weird and out of logic, so nothing wrong with that. There was a guy in the dream who is there for me and the baby but then I’m not going to say who he is. You can say it reflects my feelings for this guy but he’s someone who people knows and I prefer not to let all of you reading this blog to know. It’s too sensitive. Haha.

Anyway, back to the strange part of the dream. I was happy with having a baby to call my own in the dream. It’s also scary too. I don’t really know what to do with the baby. It wasn’t a long dream because I was woken up by the alarm but when I woke up, I had a sense of lost. I was like wondering where my baby is and why I seemed so free. I was also aching to hold my baby and breast feed him too! Yes, the breast feeding part was very vivid. It’s not a wet dream, ok!

Well, just want to blog this down so I can remember. I look forward to having a baby of my own. Some day. Some day….

Suicide

2008-08-01T02:46:00.000-07:00

Don’t worry. I’m not thinking about suicide. I guess after my last post, which is quite depressing and now my title is suicide will make some of you worry about me. No. Not talking about me here.

I just read yesterday’s papers and got to know that somewhere in AMK the day before, there was a young boy of fifteen who committed suicide by jumping off from a block of flat on the twelve storey. The boy came from a poor, single parent family. He was always seen at a coffeeshop nearby, begging for money. The accounts given by stall owners say that he’s a good boy who doesn’t bother customers and only talk or ask for money when talked to. Some customers and stall owners take pity on him by buying him drinks or food when they see him. However, the boy would be unable to eat thinking of his mother and siblings at home who have nothing to eat, so he would ask for money. The amount he asked for is also not much. Only $2! No one knows why the boy suddenly jumped to his death. A neighbour said on the fateful day, the boy seems sad and looked like he was chased out of his house.

This story reminded me of another story I read in You Jing’s book. It’s about a boy who is also from a single parent family. The mother had only this son and she’s very protective of him, so much so that she tends to question and restrict his every move. When the boy has done or said something that is deem unacceptable, the mum would question him or even go the extent of going to the boy’s school to get to the bottom of the matter. Naturally, this greatly embarrassed the boy and he’s out casted in school by his classmates. One day, the boy got into an accident and while the boy told the whole story truthfully to his mum, the mother found it too incredible and thinks that he’s lying to cover up something. So the mum decided to go to the boy’s school to find out what exactly happened (as the event involved a girl who attends the same school). The boy told the mum not to go out of fear that it may cost him his only friend in school and threatened that he will jump down from the flat if she went. The mum paid no heed to him and out of desperation, the boy just leaped out of the window and to his death.

Both of these stories made me very, very sad. I was feeling very ‘out’ after reading both stories. They’re both still boys, same age. They had not even the chance to experience what life has to offer and had to end their lives. True, they had a bad start by being born into a poor family but there will be a way out if they are able to keep to their dreams and work their way up. They both had ambitions and dreams too, I’m sure. What’s more, both are good boys, who respect elders and are filial.

Though I may rant and rave about my situation and lack of opportunities, I’m not desperate yet. When I read about these stories, it makes me think that there are so many people out there who are in more desperate situations than me. I really should stop complaining so much and count my blessings. At least I don’t have to beg and I don’t have to worry that much about money (at least for now, yet). Whenever I look towards my home’s wide open window, I think how easy it is to just leap out that window and to your death (I live on the 12th floor, by the way). Not that I’m thinking about jumping, but it’s just how easy it is to die. After you jump out, there’s no room for regrets, even if you do. There’s nothing else for you to hold on to, to stop you from reaching the concrete below. If you jump into the sea, at least you have a chance of survival if you swim hard enough, long enough. But jumping down into the air, there’s nothing.

Okay, I know I’m sounding morbid. Just feeling very, very sad for the boys and what could have been for them. Really. I’m very emotional and sentimental. Sad is not even the word to describe. Sad is too mild a word. sigh…

Expectations

2008-07-30T03:07:00.000-07:00

I’m so sick of living up to people’s expectations. Being born and living in Singapore, we’re expected to follow the path that has been set out for us ever since we’re born. Primary school, secondary school, followed by poly or JC. Then university, find a good job, find someone to marry, have kids and spend the rest of your life balancing bills and teaching your kids to follow the same stated path all over.

Just because I want to do something that I like to do and that something is different from the original path, I’m seen as a failure and useless. Not that I have tried. I have tried to work like everyone else, get up in the morning, go to work, come back very tired but still fulfil family’s obligations, weekends spend with church events, come Monday, follow the same pattern again. I used to have a boyfriend also to deviate a little from the regime, and to have someone to hold and talk to. Those did not work out and were not God’s plans. I accept that. Why can’t everyone else accept it too?

MOE rejected me yet again. Everyone asks me to keep trying. I may or I may not. It’s just that everytime I get rejected, I feel like such a failure and it’s a crush to the ego and my own confidence. I’ve tried twice and I should think that’s enough! I may be saying this now, but I guess eventually when life and reality strikes, I may go back to trying again.

Now I try to avoid seeing my mum and talking to her. I will try to be nice or talk nicely to her and she will be saying sarcastic things about me not working and wasting my time and youth, etc. She just wants me to work so I will give her money. I’m not working now, so I stop giving her money for family expenses. Her lack of understanding for my feelings, ambitions and thinking irks me a lot. It’s always about money, money, money! And she keeps using the fact that I’m not working, so I should do this or that around the house, like I’m a maid. When I was working, I was expected to do the same things also! So why keep saying the not working part!? I hate that!

I just wish to hole up somewhere and wait for the world to forget about me.

幸福跟你无关

2008-07-23T02:40:00.000-07:00

年轻时，
人总是在寻找让自己幸福的理由。
如果可以怎样怎样，
就会多多多幸福。
如果可以跟谁在一起，
世界就会多多多美丽。
其实，很多人最后还是不幸福。
我想，幸福是可以跟别人无关的。
当我们想不通这点，就会陷入苦恼。
也会强求，乞讨，甚至用威胁来换取所谓的幸福。
幸福，也许会来得很缓慢。
但，它绝对不是来敲门的售货员。
也不是唐三藏千山万水取西经。
我想，幸福可以跟别人无关。
很简单的，
从自己看世界的丑态时，
从自己看内心的空虚时，
从一个深呼吸和微笑
重新开始。

Cheers to MY and only MY Poverty

2008-07-17T00:30:00.000-07:00

I don’t like to be poor
but I deeply appreciate my poverty.
for the past months,
I have been very poor.
I told myself, I would bring you
to your long overdue dentist visit
once i got my paycheck.
I worried about many things
and felt utterly hopeless
but still
I slept through the nights
like a drooling baby
I cursed and lamented
to the ceiling fan
about what a bitch the world has become
then I swore to kill this mean bitch
and would never surrender to its claws
I deeply appreciate poverty
because it forces me to
gain new perspectives
and cultivate a wicked sense of humour
to mock at myself
which is difficult when one has
everything
and everything comes too easily.
but honestly, what is my poverty
compared to those who are truly suffering?
but what depresses me is the fact that
the world is controlled by those in power
and so are our lives
even when we don’t regard money
as the path to happiness
the powerful and rich
have rightfully made the world so.
and so the manipulation goes.
and goes and goes.
finally my paycheck arrived.
I went to do my groceries today.
and realized i didn’t need many things.
I am truly happy and rich
in my own twisted way, I think.
this is a simple tribute to my constant poverty
which I appreciate while I am alive and kicking
and always hope to float above it
heads up
I will always kick life’s ass, you bitch.

Books to read

2008-07-03T01:45:00.000-07:00

(The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books that you love.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ/blog so we can try and track down these people who’ve read 6 and force books upon them

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’ Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Failure…

2008-06-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

I’m super pissed off and in a bad mood right now. In fact, I was like this for the whole of today. I went for the MOE interview this morning. It did not go well and I guess there goes my chances of EVER becoming a teacher. Well, I did indicate that I wanted to teach ENGLISH subjects and NOT CHINESE! Why do they offer that to me in the first place?? When I said I’m not confident in teaching Chinese, I was being honest. I could have lied and said I’m very happy and comfortable! I already said I’m willing to put in the effort!!

Singapore is such an Elitist country and society. If I really do not get it this time, I don’t care what any Pastor says. I’m going to do WHATEVER I WANT. Of course it’s not something bad. Just that I tried my best to do what seems the best course of action but I’m just not given the chance! Just because I don’t and can’t go to a local University. Just because I don’t get good results. I’m condemned. Never mind all my passion. Never mind all my experience. Never mind all my enthusiasm. Bulls**t!!!!

I’m just so pissed off that I’m not given the chance to prove myself. I get so much pressure from being at home and just being in Singapore. Today after the interview, I went to watch ‘Sex and the City’ alone. Watching it made me miss NYC so much. The snow scenes especially made me nostalgic. Falling snow. How peaceful. How beautiful. How wonderful. It made me miss the independence, the freedom and the life I had there. I totally would trade anything to be able to lead my own life right now. You know, when I was in USA, whenever it snowed at night, I would sit in the dark in my room, open the window and just stare at the falling snow. Yes, it’s cold to open the window, but I just wear thicker clothes. It is the most peaceful when it’s snowing. Everything is so quiet (even if it’s snowing in the day time). I love that quiet. Yes, I used to cry a little missing my friends at home when I was staring at the snow, but at the same time, I was enjoying the moment too. I knew that I would not be able to see it forever. I only get to see it for two seasons. I’m glad I did take the time to enjoy that.

Anyway, back to the point. I tried. And if I failed, too bad. I will pray very hard. I really hope God hears. Pray for me too because I’m at road’s end.

给妈妈的信

2008-05-29T01:20:00.000-07:00

I had wanted to bring my mum to church during the parent’s day celebration. She wanted to go back to Malaysia and be with my aunts and uncles. I mentioned before that Pastor Phua let us have some time to speak to our mums after the worship. If my mum had been there, this is what I would have told her:-

‘妈，你常说我们从来都没有送你礼物。其实我长久以来，都在尝试送你一份礼物，就是救恩的礼物。一直都很希望你能接受。可是你都拒绝。那天，林牧师说我们能给父母最好的礼物，就是救恩。我完全同意。有了救恩，并不代表问题都会解决，问题会没有，但我相信你会有平安。你一直说我们没有了解你，你又何尝有了解我们呢？我真的希望你能够尝试来了解我，了解我的坚持，了解我为什么要坚持。’

This is something that I would never say to my mum face-to-face. Just keep praying….

29th birthday

2008-05-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

Have been feeling rather bored recently. The only highlight of the week was my birthday on Monday. It was Vesak Day, a public holiday. Just as well, the fellowship decided to have a program on that day. Turn out wasn’t as good as thought because many people backed out at the last minute. Good thing was that most of those with families are there. The babies and children are always a good source of entertainment. This time, we went for bowling at Yishun Safra. It was fun. Though I don’t bowl very well, but since it has been a long time since I last bowled, it was something new and it’s always good and exciting to be doing new things. It made me want to go bowling again.

Actually, most of the fellowship brothers and sisters know that it’s my birthday that day. XQ and family even bought me a present. Noelle was so excited to give me the present. Haha. XQ told me that she picked the present but the wrapping paper was picked by Noelle. Nice. Not too bad design. The sad thing was that the dinner program was not joined by many people. Most of them has other commitments and had to leave. I was quite sad. However, WX and the rest surprised me. Think they told the people at the restaurant to celebrate my birthday at the end of our dinner and they restaurant played the birthday song heard by EVERYONE at the restaurant. Every patron at the place was like singing birthday song to me. That was soooo embarrassing. I felt like a 5 year old. Haha.

Well, other than that, it was nothing much about my birthday. Family, we’re used to not celebrating any occasions. When I woke up, no one was at home. The thing that disappointed me the most was that the Lynchs forgot my birthday. They remembered last year and even sent my presents and cards from UK. This year, they forgot. Not that I want any presents from them. But at least a phone call would be nice. I even logged on to Skype at night just to give them a chance to call me but even though they are shown to be online, they did not try to call me. It was only the next day that I received an e-card from them. Very obviously sent very last minute loh. Must really thank internet and technology. If not, will not even get an e-card.

Sigh, maybe I shouldn’t place so high an emphasis on the Lynchs anymore. They have moved on with their lives. I should too. Like what Anne said before, ‘The time at Fairfield was a good time and was fun, but now it is time to move on and let them but their own family.’. She’s right. I was not family and never will be. Who am I to demand that they always remember about me. Although the girls are very important to me and I love them so much, they were never mine and will never be mine. They’re so loved by their parents and their families, they don’t need me. Perhaps I should move on too. My thoughts are always filled with my time in Fairfield. Even little things that happened then are stilled remembered very vividly. They may be the best years in my life but they’re not the only years. I still have more memories to look back on and better memories to create.

Well, maybe. Maybe it’s time to let go.

Shopping and KTV

2008-05-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Finally I got to enjoy some of the perks of being jobless. Went out to Orchard for some shopping on Friday with J. She has a much better life, being married to a good husband who can provide for her and I think they’re expecting their first child, so she has a legitimate excuse not to work. My mum also said if I don’t want to work, find someone to marry and she won’t be nagging me anymore. I would love that more than anything, but how am I to control or choose? Anyway, back to shopping. Did not buy anything much. Bought a top from This Fashion and two outfits for little Isabelle for her first birthday. I’m just glad for the chance to be out and do something that’s enjoyable.

Today, Sunday, the church celebrated Parent’s Day. Pastor gave the children time after worship to go to the front to say some things to their parents. It was a very touching moment. In fact, lots of tears flowed. For me, who can’t stand to see people crying, of course also cried with them. Aiyah, so silly. Wish I can say the same things to my parents. Unfortunately my family situation is different. I don’t have the same feelings towards my parents. Not that I don’t love them, but just too much happenings in my family that makes the love complicated. Sometimes it’s a love-hate feeling. So, when my mum complains that we don’t celebrate for her, I can’t really evoke the guilty feeling. You can’t force someone to be happy for you and do something special for you when the feeling is not there.

Well, after church, met WJ and YJ for KTV. Yeah! I love to sing with them. They know lots of songs and sing well so I can learn a lot from them and enjoy the singing process. After that, WM joined us for dinner at J8. The four of us did not have a proper meal for several months now and it’s nice to just sit and talk. Just so comfortable.

Now, after all these outings and gatherings, think I have to stop spending so much. Not working and still spend like there’s no tomorrow. I really have to curb my spending. But, I feel like going for a holiday. I can claim an air-ticket from my frequent-flyer miles or I can always go back to Batam, which will be cheaper. If I do go on another holiday, I’m sure I will get endless nagging from mum again. Arghhhh!!

Finally a break

2008-05-07T02:38:00.000-07:00

I can finally take a break! Nothing to do, no need to get up early everyday. Although it has only been a few days, I’ve not been enjoying this break as yet. Last Sat, I did something during my sleep and seems to pull a nerve. The result is that I’ve been having pain around my left shoulder and back. It’s been affecting me so much that I can’t even do a simple thing such as comb my hair because I can’t stretch to the back. It also affected my sleep as I can’t turn as and when I wish. Whenever I make a turn, I would wake up from pain and then have to turn carefully. To make matter worse, I have my period too! Now, my stomach, back, shoulder and lower back all feels pain. The good thing about this is that at least I didn’t have to go to work and I can rest at home. I really can’t imagine if I have to go to work everyday with all these pain, how I can stand it.

I still don’t know what to do for my life. Have applied to MOE. Hopefully this time will be successful. Still considering what I’ve been thinking of since last year, but I really lack the courage. My lack of funds is the biggest concern. Some days really feel like betting everything I have on a dream and just do it but reality pulls me back fast. I read an article yesterday about the Singapore Dream and Singapore Plan. We are so used to being told what to do in Singapore that we tend to follow the same paths. No one dares to venture out of their comfort zone. When someone deviates from the usual path, people around will say lots of things and makes us feel so alienated that we sometimes will lose our courage and return to the same rat race. Actually, for me to be joining the rat race is too late now. Having no skills, no experience, no excellent academic results, I cannot dream of making it big or ever striking it rich. It’s only the simple wish for a stable life and to really find my other half that compels me to stay on. Not sure what God’s plan is for me, but after the mission trip, I just hope that God really did use His servant to speak to me. If I interpret the message wrongly, I also don’t know what will happen in future.

Anyway, I would like to enjoy my free time now. Hopefully my pulled nerve will recover within the next few days and I can do more things next week, like reading, walking, exercising more. With all these free time, you can also expect me to blog more!

Japan Trip

2008-04-27T02:13:00.000-07:00

Went to Tokyo, Japan and Hong Kong for a few days in April. This is my second time in Japan, though first time in Tokyo. Really enjoy the weather and food there, although we pretty much eat the same things for every meal. We are poor, so can only eat those affordable ones. Haha.

One disappointing thing about the trip. We went to Hakane to see Mt. Fuji. When we were in the cable car, we were able to see it for a bit and took some pictures but when we got on the cruise ship, it turned out to be too foggy that we were not able to take anymore proper pictures of it. So sad and disappointed. Don’t think I will go to Japan anymore to see it. Sigh…

This is the first time also that WJ, YJ and I got to travel together after 15 years of friendship. WM was supposed to join us but some miscommunication and bad planning made her miss the chance. Well, it’s indeed a test of friendship sometimes to travel together. You have to be together most of the time and there’s a lot of communication and a lot of giving way to each other to be done. Sometimes it just feels frustrating that you can’t do things your way. Maybe I’m too used to travelling on my own? Anyway, not sure if we would travel again together in future. I’m just glad that we survived the trip safely and all of us got to do what we wanted to do and see.

YJ got all her shopping done and I got to see the scenery and places that I read up on. I really don’t understand those people who go overseas just for shopping. You can buy only so much. So what if they are cheaper than in Singapore? Travelling to me is to experience the culture and people and way of life. What can you understand by staying in a building or shopping mall all day? Well, different people have different values.

While in Hong Kong, we happened to be i the midst of typhoon number 3. Was very windy. On the last day, when we had to go to airport for the flight home, it even rained very heavily. Got ourselves all wet that we had to change into dry clothing at the airport and our flight was also delayed for an hour and a half. By the time I got home, it was already 2am.

Though it was a very tiring trip, I’m still glad for the chance to holiday. Hopefully I can get to see the Lynchs at the end of the year. Really miss the girls as well as Dutch.

Frustrating!!

2008-03-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

Had a very bad day at work today. I don’t really want to go too deep into what’s happening because I know in some way, maybe I was in the wrong too. I just want to vent my frustrations here. I just feel I’m being taken for granted and being scolded for something that’s not my fault at all. I just can’t take in lying down.

If not for trying to be a good guy and make it easier for my boss, today would have been my last day at the company. It’s because I was trying to help him. In the end, it became like I don’t do proper work and get all the s**t work. I’m sorry to use this type of language but it’s really totally true! I’m just so fed up with having to deal with all these people. Especially don’t like hearing all bulls**t. If I hear another, ‘我很忙的!’ I’m going to go crazy. Like you’re the only one who’s busy.

Anyway, though I was feeling like crying after bottling up all these frustrations and being wronged, I did not do it in the end. Just thought it’s silly to have these people make me cry. I can go anytime since I’ve already quited. Don’t bully me anymore!!!!

Heart like still water

2008-03-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

After going through several relationships which amount to nothing, I’ve still not learned my lessons. As age catch up with me, I tend to get a little nervous about still being single. Every guy I meet, I would ask myself whether he’s a possibility. And believe me when I say I fall very easy for a guy. Just be nice to me.While anxious, I’m also afraid of choosing the wrong guy again and wasting all those time dating and then finding out the he’s not ‘The One’. Other than wasting time, there’s the being hurt issue too. Really very hurting when a relationship ends.

So, to solve this problem, some years ago I’ve made a prayer to God. I told God that if the guy that I meet is not going to be ‘The One’ then please don’t make me fall in love with him or have any feelings for the person. I think God must have been listening to my prayer and answering it.

I have not felt anything special for any guy for a very long time. True, sometimes when it’s only a one-sided love, it’s torturous. But you can’t deny that it’s also a sweet feeling. When the guy talks or calls you, you feel so happy. When the guy goes out with you, you try your best to impress. You can say that my heart is like still water now. It does not feel anything much nowadays. Well, of course I still have love for God, love for friends and family and most of all, love for Kara and Brigid, which hurts me sometimes to think about them. But a love relationship between a man and a woman should be the strongest and I’ve not had that for a long time.

When I listen to the radio and they say think of the person that you like and want to tell him/her about it, I can’t think of any single special person. There’s just no target around me at the moment and I guess, I can safely say I’m nobody’s target too. This means that I’ve not been widening my social circle and don’t meet new people at all recently, other than my clients at work, which don’t count. Most of my guy friends around me are either married, have girlfriends or we have known each other for so long that a relationship is impossible. I think I need to do some thing about this. God can help but I need to have some actions too. Now, where should I start?

Mission trip

2008-03-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote a similar post on Sunday night but when I tried to post it, my explorer hung on me. Guess what happens in the end? I had to end task and lost everything I wrote! Arghhh…..! I was too lazy to write again but I’m in the mood now, so I will try to recall what I wrote.

I went for a one week Mission Trip to Indonesia (Batam, Pekanbaru & Tanjong Pinang) last week with Rev. Phua and 8 other brothers and sisters from church. This was a very rewarding and self-fulfilling trip. I feel myself grow a lot spiritually and being closer to God.

The part that I especially liked was the sharing of Rev. Lian and his mission works in Indonesia. It is indeed very heartening and encouraging to hear of what miracles God will perform when you trust everything in Him and put everything into His hands. After hearing all this, I so much want to experience the same miracles that I’ve decided to also entrust myself fully into the Lord. I hope that this resolution and determination would not diminish as I fall back into the realities of life.

During this trip, I also felt very strongly God speaking to me through the two Reverends. Upon arriving in Batam, the very first sermon that Rev. Phua delivered already made me sit up and reconsider some things that I’ve been planning. On the second last day, Rev. Lian even told me in plain, clear words that I should give up whatever dreams that I’ve been harbouring. That I should be down-to-earth and follow closely in God’s words. Upon hearing this, I was very disappointed and crushed. Although Rev. Lian aid not to take his sayings to heart and to heed it as just an advice but I believe that God is speaking to me through him and it is something that I should listen to. It is not that I’m not willing to give up my dreams, it is just hard for me to accept it. I consider myself still young enough to take risks and chances and to give everything up and just settle down, is just so difficult.

Anyway, I intend to use the Good Friday weekend break to spend some time with myself and God in prayers. I want to use the time to collect all that I’ve learnt from this trip and to think through all that I have to do from now on. I had hoped to spend all day at home but as of now, I have so many other things to due with that it can’t go according to my plans. Well, we’ll see how.

I feel so renewed after coming back from this mission trip. I really, really wish that my friends and whoever is reading this will also find this salvation and happiness that I’ve found in God. I just hope that I myself will change enough to be a good living testimony. Of course, I won’t be able to be like Rev. Lian, but I will at least try my best to be a good servant of God.

Bored

2008-02-17T04:53:00.000-08:00

Have not been updating my blog for so long. Various reasons for that.

1) I have writer’s block.

2) I’m losing interest in blogging.

3) My life has been so boring that I don’t want to always be writing and whining about my life and so on. Makes me seems such a loser and (again) boring!

Anyway, I’ve been reading a long lost friend’s blog recently and after reading it, feels like I’ve known so much about her that I didn’t realise before. Was very thankful for that and I thought since I’m a person of few words, blogging is the only thing that allows my friends to peek into my thoughts. So, here I am again.

I’m still stuck at my stressful job. Happy news is that I intend to hand in my resignation tomorrow. Very scary thing. Going to see my boss. Everyone in the office is scared to talk to him. I wonder if I really will summon up enough courage to go talk to him. Yes, I’m leaving without a back-up plan or new job to go to. I always do that. Very impulsive. So far, God has been good. At least I’ve not starved before. So this time, I’m doing the same thing. Seems to be pushing my luck but I really dread going to work everyday. This has been happening since the first day I started this job, so I think leaving is a right decision.

The recent CNY period has been very fulfilling and happy. Of course the foremost reason would be that I need not work for a whole week. That was the happiest part. Other reasons are that I went to Malaysia with my mum to visit my aunts, uncles and cousins. Very good to see them after so long. But seeing how big my cousins have grown makes me feel old. I have been playing and taking care of them since they were born and now some are in University already. They no longer feel as excited to see me now and even has their own friends and life. Oh well, that’s life, I guess.

I also went to Batam for 2 days of relaxation and spa. Best! Totally enjoyed it and the package was really good value for money! Initially was supposed to go alone, but WJ decided to join me. I was glad that she did, if not I think I will wallow in self-pity for most of the time I was there. Though we are both quiet type, the silence between us was comfortable and not awkward, thanks to more than 15 years of friendship. I totally recommend going to Batam if you have a budget and limited days of leave. 2 days 1 night is more than enough. Nothing much to do actually but relaxing in the room or just walking around is good too.

I would be going on a short mission trip in early March and for a long-planned holiday to Japan in early April. I know I’m going to be jobless soon. I do have some plans in mind but yet to carry out. Right now, I just want to freak out when I think about going to work tomorrow. I wish I can give an immediate resignation but I don’t want to be irresponsible. Anyway, see how things turn out. Will update about it. Hopefully.

Depressed

2008-01-20T05:53:00.000-08:00

Have not been writing ever since the new year started. The usual reason. Nothing exciting to blog about. When there was actually something to write about, I would not have access or the chance to write down. So when the time has past, I would lose my passion to write.

I got a wireless usb modem from M1 so I can use internet at home. Good news? No! Everytime I go online, it’s like trying to win the lottery. The connection sucks! Anyway, at least I got to talk to Kara, Brigid and Anne online using Skype last night. Was able to see the girls and Conor too. That was my highlight of the month! Was really very happy to see them and connect with them, even though I had to stay up till 1.30am to talk to them and only got like 6 hours plus sleep because I have to get up early today for church. Kara is able to read and write on her own now and yesterday she typed "I miss you" to me! She did that on her own and I was so touched.

Anyway, why the headline ‘Depressed’? I’m also not sure. Just that maybe I’m a little ‘lost’, like what my friend puts it. I don’t know what I’m doing everyday, what I’m working for and what I’m hoping for. Everyday I go through the motions expected of me - wake up, go to work, talk to people, try to deal with clients, try my best in doing my work, come home, watch tv, sleep, next day do the same things again. I’m not passionate about my work at all. Just doing it for the money. If I change and get out of this job, I also don’t know what I would like to do. Just feel very empty. So much so that I have lost a lot of feelings for things. I’m not sure how to put it into words too. I’m just…depressed, and filled with dread at another work week ahead.

Happy New Year!!

2008-01-01T21:37:00.000-08:00

Hi all! Have not been blogging for some time now. Other than due to the fact that I do not have internet at home, it’s also because my life has been quite boring. So ordinary that I do not have the words to put into words.

Anyway, since it’s the beginning of a new year, I thought I should, like everyone else, do a recap and think of what I would like to achieve in 2008.

2007 have been very interesting for me. I managed to get a job and then change to a new one. I guess my venture into the corporate world is slowly taking shape. However, since I managed to find bosses/companies which are deemed unusual, I’m not sure how long I would stay at each job. Actually I like the jobs I’m doing, especially the front line stuff. It’s the back-end crap that I detest.

In 2008, I hope to be able to, in no particular order:-

1) Lose weight! If not 10kg, at least 5kg? Not a far fetch idea, right?

2) Fall in love. I know this can’t be rushed but I can at least hope?

3) Travel. I did not go anywhere in 2007 except for Bangkok in Mar. I need to get my fix of foreign air! Suffocating!

4) Visit my host family, wherever they are. By end of 2008, I’ll have not seen them for 2 years. I miss my girls badly and I really hope to see them again before I turn into a distant memory(if I have not already turned into one). Children forget so easily…

5) I’m juggling a lot of commitments and posts in church. Hopefully I get to do my part in serving and work to the best of my abilities for God. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m doing it for God or for people. At least if I try, I can say I did my best.

Okay, I don’t want to stretch myself too far and pile myself with lots of wishes. Having said all that, those are not my resolutions. Don’t really believe in making resolutions as I never remember what I set out to do. Just hope to do some things that I think are important to me. That’s it for now. When I’ve thought of more things, I’ll blog them down.

Kid
January 2, 2008 at 5:46 am

right on the resolution part…i never seem to remember mine too….well, except for the constant reminder to lose weight! duh…thats like bloody difficult to achieve sia..not with me thinking of food every hour. looking forward to lunch, dinner, planning meals for the next day….kakakak i’m hopeless. not going to dash your hope but 10kg, is way too mission impossible unless ur going to be steadfast and real determined. 5kg well, achievable. nike slogan - you can do it. keep telling yourself and probably sooner than you know, aim achieved. easy for me to encourage pple but never easy for me to work that on myself. fat hope. duh…kinda destined. sigh….

love reading about pple doing up the past happenings and stuff they hope to accomplish for the new year but i never seem to be able to get one done myself. me terrible in that aspect….sigh if only someone can write it for me instead of me having these jumbled up memories in my mind plus whatever crap entries that i have blogged thus far.

nevertheless, main point of my comment is to wish you a Happy New Year, that everything will go smoothly for you and where obstacles arises, you can ride through it confidently

New life!

2007-12-04T17:16:00.000-08:00

Went to the hospital yesterday night to visit a church brother and sister who had their THIRD child. Really envy them. Just 30 years old and they already have one daughter and now, two sons.

The new baby boy is very adorable and was sleeping the whole time me and other people were there. Anyway, show you the pictures.

The baby boy!

The happy mummy and baby.
Yay! Another baby for me to play with!

Cravings

2007-12-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

I was surfing and playing with facebook yesterday and went to the desserts cafe as well as ice-cream applications. Set off my cravings for cakes. So, when I was on my way home, I decided to buy something to curb my cravings.

As you can see, I love anything chocolate! Haha! In case you’re wondering, no I didn’t eat everything in one night. I saved the chocolate donut for my breakfast this morning. I ate half of the cake also. The cupcake, I polished off before I had my dinner yesterday night. Bliss…

I am alive!

2007-12-03T00:11:00.000-08:00

Last Friday night, I was having a very bad day at work. Was not feeling quite well also physically. When I was on the way to church choir on the bus, I had a sudden urge to cry. This is my way of letting off stress.

During my stay in USA, I often make myself cry to let off steam. This is especially when I had a bad day, bad week or bad night. Having been unattached for more than 3 years and being alone in a foreign land does that to you. Sometimes I feel that my heart is not feeling anything. When I cry, I think of very sad things to force the tears out. This way, I will at least feel that I’m alive and living. Sad way of living, isn’t it?

This is what happened last Friday. Just was feeling very bottled up and I didn’t talk for most of the day, so I just wanted to feel better by crying. Nowadays, when I want to cry, I think of Kara and Brigid. I think of the days past of being in Connecticut and the good days I had there. That usually sets me off.

At least now, I’m feeling better. As usual for me on a Monday, I’m tired! Don’t know why I just can’t sleep well on Sunday nights. To make matters worst, I’m coming down with a cold. Feeling terrible. Sore throat, blocked and runny nose. Hope I will have a good sleep tonight and feel better tomorrow.

My sign

2007-11-26T17:07:00.000-08:00

The last few lines about loves to travel, loves to dream, dislike being at home and restless, very true! However, I'm not saying I believe in star signs. This is just for fun.

Wonderful weekend

2007-11-25T17:42:00.000-08:00

The weekend just past, I had very good times spent with those that I hold dearest to me. As I just started work last Tuesday, I was feeling very tired the whole week. This new schedule of waking up early, sleeping early is still difficult to adjust.

Anyway, Friday night, it was an unusual night as there was no choir practise. I decided it being Friday and all, it’s too good to waste on going home, though I was very tired. Decided to organise an informal dinner. Managed to get J and ZC. We went to Billy Bombers at Heeren. It was a good meal filled with good conversation and relaxing in the company of good friends. After dinner, ZC sent us home in his new car! Haha. So happy for him and it benefits me too!

On Sat, went karaoke with WJ & YJ. Had been wanting to go singing for some time and finally had the chance to go. I was happy with my voice that day and although did not sing a lot of songs, again, being in the company of good friends is such a pleasure. Went to have dinner at Sakae Sushi with YJ after that. Wonderful! I love sushi! Went home full but satisfied.

On Sunday, after all the usual church activities, went to have lunch at a Hong Kong cafe. YY managed to join us. This lunch is also due to the fact that ZC got his new car and we can get more people to join and go further. Again, I’m blessed to be able to have good friends surrounding me. Went home with YY after that and got a call from ZC regarding our planned trip in Dec. Talked for 2 hours! I had to spend the time at YY’s home so we can research on the net and discuss on the phone with ZC. I’m very happy that there’s no more awkwardness(at least I feel) with YY. Always feel such a pity that we were not able to be closer friends.

It’s been a good weekend. However, I didn’t have a good sleep last night and now, sitting in office, I just want to sleep! Hopefully today will have things to learn, things to do so time passes faster.

Pressure or responsibilities?

2007-11-03T03:27:00.000-07:00

I watched a show recently and one of the characters in the show reflects a lot of my feelings and personality. Can really feel myself being the same person in the show and I can understand the issue being discussed.

Ever since I came back from USA, I’ve been thinking a lot about going away again. I think the freedom and lack of responsibilities for the 2 years abroad has been ingrained so much in me that I feel that it’s so pressurised to be back here in Singapore. I hate living at home, where my mum seems to be breathing down my neck at everything I do - what time I sleep, what time I get up, when I do housework, when I eat, what I eat, where I go. Yes, they may be ways of her showing her concern but since we’ve not been really that close growing up, I think it’s pretty late now to be showing close concern and expect me to be appreciative of it and reciprocate. I’m quiet, period. Accept it. There’re even things that I don’t admit and tell to myself, much less to another person.

In the television show, that’s a clear issue. The reason for going away, is it because of pressure of to run away from responsibilities? 是感到压力，还是逃避责任？I’ve been thinking about it myself too. I have to finally admit that the latter is the more appropriate reason why I want and feel so much for going away. Can say that I want to run from the many responsibilities I have to shoulder.

Admittedly, the 2 years abroad has brought much freedom, joy, fun and experiences, but that’s lots of loneliness, boredom, sadness and homesickness too. It’s just that the happier reasons outweighs the sad ones.

If only I can get over the selfishness in me. Then perhaps I can truly feel happy to be back home, with friends and family.

Life goes on…

2007-10-09T03:54:00.000-07:00

After the last post, seems like there’s nothing interesting going in my life enough for me to blog. Actually was thinking of blogging more. But whenever I look at the screen, I forgot whatever that I wanted to say. Sad, that life is so boring.

I’m still bumming around. Looking for that ‘dream’ job. Looking back, was I stupid to turn down the 2 job offers that I had? Probably. But even if I accepted them, how long would it be before I quit and look for another job again? I knew that those 2 jobs are not what I would want to be doing in the long term. So, what do I want to do in the long term? Frankly speaking, I don’t know too. It’s always based on feelings. When I went for the interviews, I will see what the job is about, what the people there are like and based upon my feelings, I decide if I want the job or not. A risky thing to be based on? Yes, but if you don’t feel comfortable, how are you going to convince yourself of getting out of bed and going to work everyday?

I know, I’m still dreaming. Since I’ve aborted my supposedly ‘big plans’, I feel that there’s nothing for me to work towards. I want so much to see Kara and Brigid but I think I’m not wanted, plus I have no money. I want so much to leave Singapore but I’m of no value to other countries! Ha! Keep dreaming, I guess.

Happy!

2007-09-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

I’m blogging from my new laptop! Yes! Finally I bought my computer. It has been something that I’ve wanted ever since I came back to Singapore. Have been saving up and during the IT fair at the beginning of the month, finally went to buy it! It’s such a good buy too! The laptop has good specs, more than what I needed, and comes at a price that meets my budget. I’m so happy!

Now, I will have to start signing up for internet connection at home. No use having a laptop with no internet connection. Makes it useless leh. I’m using the free wireless connection at the library now. Very heavy to lug the laptop and walk to the library but there’s air-conditioning at the library, definitely much more comfortable than if I use at home.

I’ve stopped working since this week. Last Friday was my last day. Not bad. I’ve been going for interviews almost everyday this week too. It’s really a boost of my confidence! It was a good decision to work for the Chin family in the beginning. I really achieved my motive of gaining experience while with them. Now, when I go for interviews, my experience as a PA is really recognised. All the companies seems to want to hire me. Of course, still have to go for 2nd interviews, so still waiting. But if I’m called back for 2nd interviews, means I stand a good chance, right? Anyway, there’s these 2 jobs that are more or less confirmed to hire me. However, the distance is pretty far. I have another job that I’m quite interested in and I have to go for a 2nd time on Friday. Keep my fingers crossed!

I’m so happy now to have my own computer. Ha! Well, have to go download stuffs for the laptop. Hopefully I can sign up for internet connection at home soon. Then, I can blog more regularly!

Farewell…

2007-09-06T01:56:00.000-07:00

On the last Sunday of August, I organised a farewell dinner for one beloved sister-in-Christ, let’s call her J. She’s going to Taiwan to follow her dream. Though vague with details and plans, I still wish her well, much to the worries of the others around her. Yes, silly and dangerous for a single girl to go alone to a foreign land. Yes, silly to leave your family and friends and a stable job to chase a dream. Having also done that when I left for USA, I can understand why J did it. She feels that it’s the right time, and things are going smoothly for her to go, isn’t it? This feeling of the right time, very hard to explain. Some would say that it’s God telling us to do something, some would call it gut feeling. Whatever it is, only the person experiencing it would know
.
The main point of this post is not whether J made the right decision to go or not. The point of this post is: Why does it take a person leaving to get all of us together? The dinner had almost 100% attendance. Almost. One person couldn’t make it at the last minute. One of the brothers said when he knew that J was leaving, no matter what, he’ll make it for this farewell dinner. My question is, ‘why’? Why do we try to get together only when we know there’s no more time for us to get together anymore? What about the time that there was plenty of time for each other? How do we know when is the last time we get together? How do we know that we can get the chance to have a ‘farewell’ dinner? Have often heard of people saying, ‘Live each day like it’s your last’. So based on this saying, shouldn’t we always treasure each and every time we have a chance to get together? It may be for a casual, nothing-to-do, sort of dinner, but if it’s quality time spent with the friends we love, the brothers and sisters we care about, shouldn’t we always make the effort?

What if I have no time for ‘Farewell’?

Reality Check

2007-09-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

Have been trying to carry out some plans lately. A lot of things went through my mind actually. Realised that things may not be what I always wanted. Also realised that while I can think in some way, others may not think the same.

Last Friday night, I called London to the Lynchs house. Anne, my host mum, has given birth on 26th August. It’s a boy! Just like what I predicted and wanted! Conor Daniel Lynch. Very nice. I’m very happy for them. Really. According to Anne, Kara and Brigid are very excited to have their baby brother. They even brought pictures of their new baby brother to show their teachers and classmates in school. Good for them.

However, during the course of the conversation, I asked for a favour and the answer I got was not what I expected. Totally threw me off. I was not expecting that to be the response I get from the beloved host family, host parents that I knew. Don’t really want to go into details, but the gist of it was that I had my share of fun with them in Fairfield, CT, USA. Now, it’s time for them to be a family, for them to bond together, especially since Conor is their biological child, they hope to spend more time to be with the girls and that I should leave them be. So, all along, the phrase, ‘like family…’ the key word is ‘like’. I’m not family, just like family.

Was feeling very hurtful, sad and depressed for the whole of the weekend. Cried every night thinking of what Anne said. She was honest, I give her that, but ti’s just too brutally honest. Sensitive me, from Asia, could not accept it. Now, with Anne’s words, came a reality check for me also. I reconsidered my decision to carry out a crazy plan and have come to a final decision. So, I feel better now. Calmer. I know what to do next and can at least make solid plans. Just think that this time, God wants me to stay, so I’m going to stay.

Still a lot of things going on these few days. I’m so over-whelmed by events. Going to take it slowly and digest things over. I hope everything works out in the end and I won’t get into a tight corner by my rash decision. Pray for me. Walk with me.

Miserable

2007-08-30T00:30:00.000-07:00

Have not been updating these 2 weeks. That’s because I do not have a chance to use the computer at work for personal matters. My boss managed to get a new person to take over my work. This new person, she’s very good. Nice person, older than me, able to get things done. My boss is very happy with her. I’m being kept on here to work as my boss gave me till my notice period is over, which is about 2 weeks later. However, I’m not really needed here anymore.

I’m miserable because my boss is such a person who does not know how to treat people nicely. Even though the new person is here, I’m here too. Yes, I have to try to hand things over to the new person. But you don’t have to keep finding fault in me to emphasise the goodness of the new person. Everyday I tell myself how relieved I am and how I made the right decision to leave. There’s nothing to stay for here. I feel like just because I’m leaving, she can say whatever she wants, so she kept picking on me. So miserable everyday. When I think of coming to work now, I feel so sad. In the first place, why do I want to stay for so long? Why do I not have my last day tomorrow? Because of the money! I need the money. If I work for another 2 more weeks, I get another 2 more week’s money. So, I can carry out my plans, if I do want to. Even if I don’t carry out my plan, I still have not found a new job yet, so this money will help tide me over my unemployed period.

I’m soooo miserable! Help!!!!

Choices

2007-08-17T02:17:00.000-07:00

to make. That’s what I have to do. Like I said after my last post, I’ve finally tendered in my resignation. No drama, just gave the letter and it was accepted. No talks, no requests to stay. Some of my friends have been asking why this sudden decision to quit. Well, just feel that it’s the right time. If I don’t do it now, I won’t be able to leave for another 2-3 months, when my boss gave birth. Better to do it now when she’s ok and can look for someone to take over me.

An amazing thing happened right after I tendered. Well, I tendered on a Friday and on the next Monday that came, I was offered jobs! Really, I got calls from headhunter companies, and even by emails offering me jobs. Well, not the final offer but something to tell me that at least I’m able to have a job even if I quit. This is truly amazing as I’ve been looking for jobs for a couple of months now and have not had any success so far, but the moment I tendered, it’s as if those people knew about it and came looking for me! Truly God is looking out for me! So far, I’ve been offered - 2 nanny jobs, one in Singapore, one in UK(which I’m very tempted to take up), one PA position, one HR position and another Operations Assistant position(which I just went for interview this morning). See, I’m in hot demand! Haha!

Well, the UK nanny position is one that I’m really, really sorely tempted to take. It offers me good money and good working conditions. The duties are almost like what I did in USA. However, since there’s no agency to be the watchdog this time, I’m not making my decision so fast. Have to be careful. I saw and heard too many horror stories while in USA and this, even with an agency, what’s more I now don’t have one. What’s also keeping me from accepting this nanny position is that I somehow feel that by taking care of other children, I’m somehow betraying Kara and Brigid (not that they would know or care). Well, before, all my love was for Kara and Brigid. I don’t know if I’m capable of transferring my love and affections to other children. If I cannot, it’s very unfair to the children that I’ll be taking care of. If I can, it’s very sad for me as I don’t want to lose the strong feeling of love I had for Kara and Brigid and the Lynchs. I don’t know if anyone will understand this feeling. Can’t really express it.

The other position that I’m interested in is the one that I went interview for this morning. There’s room for me to go further, there’s new things to learn and it offers stability. Of course, that can also translate to boring and routine work. Depends on what I want. Anyway, I still have to wait for their news. I’m not the only one they’re talking to.

On another note, last night, while I was going home from work, I suddenly realised something, much to my horror. It’s that I seem to be missing Kara and Brigid less! Yes, they’re still my darlings and very dear to my heart but I suddenly realise that I don’t yearn and miss them as much as I was before. This is really horrific to me because I don’t want to lose that feeling of loving them so much so that my heart ache. I did enjoy loving them and missing them. Talk about self-torture. Well, I guess the point is that if I can lose this love for them gradually, what’s to say for Kara and Brigid who’re still so young and easily forgets? I’m sure by now, their impression and love they had for me is already lost. Sure, they do remember me and that I used to take care of them and maybe some of the things we did in USA, but I think they won’t have that feeling of loving and affection for me anymore.

Right now, with my resignation, there’s a lot of decisions to make and eventually, the choices I decide will affect the rest of my life. Seems serious but it’s true. I still have not decided about the big plan I had. With me getting older, I’m turning to be less adventurous. I can’t play, play now as I have to think about the next step and even the next few years my life. Argh!! What should I do? I’ll leave it to the good Lord. Seems that I have a pretty good idea, just waiting for another sign. Let you know soon.

Back to square one

2007-08-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

Have not been updating for a couple of weeks. Not that I don’t have anything to blog about. Just trying to collect more so I can blog more as I go along. Which is better? A longer post or one short one everyday? Anyway don’t think can blog everyday. My life is NOT that interesting.

Ok, just to update. I’ve already moved out from my boss’s place. Back to my own house in AMK. Good also to have this stability, but I’m very frustrated also when I go home. No more air-con! So hot at home. The weather is still something that I’m trying to deal with ever since I got back to Singapore. Another thing is I think my house is too dirty and dusty. Have been having itchy and irritating eyes ever since I moved back. Resulted in me having swollen eyes every morning. People seems to think I cry every night.

Anyway, I went to carry out my plans yesterday. Had wanted to try it out and see where it’ll lead me. Realised that it’s not as easy as I’ve thought and this led me to pause and take a step back to rethink about my decision. This is quite a big step to take and there’s a lot of factors involved. I’m not sure that it will work out as well as I’ve thought it would. If I go ahead with it just because I’m stubborn, I’m not sure that I would survive. Oh, gosh!

On a side note. I’m going to be tendering today. Must do it today. Can’t take it anymore. Even if my plans do not go through, I can still take other paths. Staying here is definitely out of the question. Some misunderstanding occurred last week to firm up my decision. Her coming back this week made me can’t stand it anymore. I’m going. However, I still have to give a month and a half notice, so it’s not like I can leave straight away. Never mind. I need the money. It’s for money’s sake that I lasted so long. Money is a large part of the reason why my plans may not go through. Well, just keep praying for me, ok?

Taiwanese talkshow on Singapore’s politics

2007-07-24T02:09:00.000-07:00

Have been trying to post the Youtube video onto the blog but it can’t seem to work. Anyway, go to the website and watch

Youtube text link

It’s a Taiwanese talkshow talking about Singapore’s democracy and transparency and comparisons with Taiwan’s political scene.

Counducted in Mandarin and Hokkien.

Life, as I know it now

2007-07-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

Have been staying at my boss’s place for a week now. Life is not too bad actually, after all, I have 2 maids to cook for me, no need to wash up, no need to clean up, no need to worry about getting up on time for work.

As I was showering this morning, I was thinking, this would be what it would be like when I get married and move out of my home. I’ve been living in Ang Mo Kio my whole life. Seriously, even before I was born, I’ve been living there. Have never moved before. Until I moved to USA, I used to like my home very much. Now that I came back from USA, where I had a big house, big room, big bed, big bathroom and everything new, I came back to my home feeling that everything’s so old and dirty. Now that I’ve moved out temporary, I don’t really think of returning home so often. If not for the fact that I need to go home to get my things, I wouldn’t even feel like going home.

Things have been almost worked to a routine now at my boss’s house. There’s SCV and internet wireless access at the house here. I sleep every night after 12am, just surfing net and watching tv. I don’t have to wake up too early as I’m already at the house, there’s no travelling time to make up for. I don’t even go to the hospital everyday to see my boss because it’s her baby that she wants to see, not me. This in turn gives me lots of free time. It’s not too bad a life style.

Anyway, I’m rambling. I do really want to write something but there’s nothing much interesting going on. The plans I had earlier are all on hold now because of this complication in my work. Will have to see what’s going to happen and wait for things to go back to normal again before I can decide on what to do.

People close to my heart

2007-07-16T05:46:00.000-07:00

Having been abroad for so long, I’ve been missing a lot of friends. Out of all, I decided to show these people who are the closest to my heart. If not for them, I would have happily stayed abroad and not think of returning ever so often. Not to say, they’re the ones who I can’t bear to leave although the temptation is so great to.

Noelle (on the left). Xinqing and Dezhong’s cute daughter. Went through the whole process of Xinqing’s pregnancy to when Noelle was born. Most of my baby experience came from playing with Noelle ever since she was born. I left before her 1st birthday and came back when she’s 3 years. Yixuan (on right). Xiaoling and Enwei’s daughter. I left just as Xiaoling announced her pregnancy. Missed all the actions. She’s already 2 years old now and learning lots of things. I’m glad she’s taken to me quite fast and is willing to share her smiles with me. Feel quite proud of myself as she’s not known to be friendly! Haha!

Noah. Noelle’s little brother. He’s 1 year old now. He’s going to be one mischievous boy but you can’t help but fall in love with him when he smiles at you. Unlike his sister, he either shows a blur or naughty face most of the time. Not so easy to pacify and getting more demanding.

My Bangkok shopping and massaging kakis! Had a great time with them in Bangkok. They’re also the core ‘hong sim’ group with whom I shared many ‘news’ with, over many cups of teh tarik. They’re the people whom I find the hardest to leave and they’re always the ones to know the latest in my life, and I would go to should I have any problems or concerns.

My beloved fellowship group! Yes, they’re the ones I think of most when I’m away. Oh, lots of others are missing, mostly those parents who have child-care obligations. Don’t worry, I miss your children, I miss you guys too(you know who you are)! I’ve been in this fellowship ever since I came to this church 8 years ago (such a long time ago!). They’re the ones I count on to keep me grounded. They offer me advises based on their view point of life and also on biblical point of view, so I treasure each and every one of them. Due to our work, social, and life commitments, it is rare for us to gather in a big group as shown in the pictures. As such, each gathering is treasured and remembered. God bless each one of them.

Unexpected situation

2007-07-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

Exactly after my post of a boring life, my life turns not boring at all. In fact, it all turns into such chaotic situation that I don’t have any time to think and any choices to make.

I can’t really explain too much as this involves my boss’s family matters and again, you never know who’s reading on the World Wide Web.

Something happened to my boss and her family members. The real reason I don’t know also, but it was UGLY! Then, one thing led to another and I ended up staying over at my boss’s condo apartment with two maids and a one year old baby. Yes, I’m moving over here for a few days till my boss can come home. (Can’t say what happened to my boss as don’t want to let the wrong person to read and get scolded by my boss.)

Now, you may think it’s good to live in a condo and have two maids to command. You’re wrong! Moving here is like working 24 hours (which is exactly the point of having me move here) and added to that, I have to deal with some side issues involving the family members. The emotional side of me makes it hard for me to deal with that and it adds to a lot of stress and pressure. Sometimes it even turns scary.

Anyway, I don’t know when I can go home. I have so many church commitments on the days that I’m not supposed to work, i.e Friday nights and weekends, that I’m not sure if I can commit to my work and stay here to help. I know I should help in this situation but I have my responsibilities also in my church commitments. I also enjoy my church things.

Another problem of this situation is that I don’t know if I can tender in my resignation. Actually intended to tender next week when I think I should be able to confirm my plans but now, how am I going to tell my boss? She’s so weak and needs my help now. Me tendering my resignation is like giving her blow after blow. Of course, it’s my life. I can’t be selling my life to my boss. We didn’t even have any binding work contract between us! It’s all just a matter of trust.

Oh boy, this is getting interesting. Hmm… if only every time I wish for something, it comes true and in a short time, like this time, with the interesting life.

Boring life

2007-07-10T04:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, I’m bored. Judging from my lack of entries, you can tell how bored my life is right now. So bored that I don’t have anything to blog about. Which frustrates me greatly. I love to write. I love this blog space for me to write my feelings and thinking out, albeit on limited topics as posting on the world wide web, you never know who’s going to be reading.

Anyway, now that I’m blogging, you may think I have something interesting to share. Well, I do have something up my sleeves but I don’t think it’s the right time to share now. Maybe in a week or two. When it’s more confirmed. When it’s more sure. When I’m not thinking so much about it.

Well, have been thinking of changing jobs for the longest time. Not very long, actually, if you know that I started work only in mid-March. I thought I could take it easy and gain more experience before I start looking for the next job. Not good for resume to be at a job for just a few months. However, circumstances have changed. I don’t like the working environment now. In fact, I hate it. I’m going to go as soon as everything’s confirmed. Well, not go immediately, but at least tender my resignation. Don’t want to be working in this environment. It’s not very good and I don’t want to take sides. It’s none of my business, why should I be in the middle of it all?

Even though I’m close to the big Three-O, I still feel very immature. I get bored easily, I get restless easily, I get ‘hong sim’ very easily! Yes, I do want to settle down, but can’t be just with any Tom, Dick or Harry, right? Have to be the right person. The thing is, when I like a person, the person is not interested. When I’m not interested, another person like me. Not that I have any interest in anyone or anyone is interested in me now. My love life is……blank. So sad. Not really sad lah. That’s the point of doing something different. If I stay in this sphere, in this space any longer, I’ll just remain status quo. Might as well do something about it, right? You don’t know what I’m talking about. Never mind. Will let you know soon enough.

Rachelle
July 10, 2007 at 7:21 pm

Don’t worry, you are not alone. Most of the feelings you are experiencing are very common amongst many people…I’m a victim of it as well - change of job, blank life, feeling immatured..(the list goes on but I shall not elaborate too much on myself..hehe).But whatever it is, if you feel you have the ability to make things better, please do it! Life is too short to have too many regrets right?
Shall wait for your BIG news..:-)

Interesting Sunday

2007-06-26T01:43:00.000-07:00

It has been a very long time since I spent a Sunday like this. The Sunday just past, I went to church in the morning and after service, had a meeting for the tuition ministry that’s going to start soon for the 2nd semester. After that, as it was ZC’s birthday, we went for lunch. Not many of us. Only 7 people. By that time, most of the others had left.

Went to have chicken rice at Thomson Road, opposite Novena Church. Very good food. I like it. Not too expensive also. After that went to the Hong Kong Cafe next door to have drinks and dessert. By the the everyone is ready to go, it’s already 5pm plus. Imagine we just finished lunch and it’s already dinner time.

ZC and Zer wanted to shop around for furniture and I was not tired so I decided to walk around with them. They couldn’t find what they’re looking for in United Square. I suggested going to AMK as there’s many small neighbourhood furniture which could be better value for money. So went to AMK. Walked around some more. By 7pm plus, Zer is very tired. We decided to get drinks at KFC and to sit and rest our feet. We were still very full from lunch, so did not want to eat.

Don’t know why, ZC is very ‘hong sim’ that day. He got me to call Dennis. Dennis also doesn’t mind coming down to AMK for a chat. Went to the Mac opposite AMK library. Nice place and atmosphere. We sat there till 11pm plus before going home.

Throughout the whole day, there was a certain topic that we debated about. It’s too complicated and I don’t really want to mislead non-Christians, so not going to post what we were arguing about. It’s a heavy topic and concerns our religious beliefs as well as our social beliefs. Though things can be quite clear cut, there’s a lot of spaces for arguments. Ultimately, it’s how we decide to face up to our actions that has us determining our decisions.

Anyway, I’m glad for the chance to talk to brothers and sisters. It’s been a long time since we spent so much time together, since I missed the church camp. When I first joined this church, this was how we spent every Sunday and I mean really every Sunday. Now that commitments and age has caught up, being able to spend a full Sunday outside is really a gift. Hope to be able to have meaningful time spent with brothers and sisters more often.

My name

2007-06-19T23:53:00.000-07:00

In lieu of anything interesting to write recently and I have some free time, I decided to share with everyone the history of my name, or names, as I have a lot of names.

Long before I was born, in fact, before any of my brothers were born too, my parents were just married(or maybe they were not married yet but were getting married soon, not too sure of the details) and had no children yet. My paternal grandfather just happened to pass away at that time. My father, being the oldest son of the family, had to carve down his children’s names on my grandfather’s tombstone(what kind of culture or tradition is that??). Since no actual children were had at that time, my father just came up with a boy’s name and a girl’s name. Now, it also happens that on this day of name carving, my mum was not present and so the names were decided upon by my dad. My dad was English-educated and not very good with Chinese and lo and behold, he came up with 郑春发 for the boy’s name and 郑玲玲 for the girl’s name.

Some time later, my mum got pregnant and gave birth to my oldest brother. Now, my mum wants to name her children herself. She decided to give my brother the name of 郑伟祺. This, translated into English, earned my oldest brother the name of Wekie. However, out of respect for the elders, the name on the tombstone still has to be used, so on the birth certificate of my oldest brother, in English, his name is Tay Choon Huat, Wekie. The Chinese characters written, however, was 郑伟祺 and not 郑春发. When my oldest brother started school, he finds 郑春发 too ‘obiang’ and he used 郑伟祺 as his official Chinese name. This leads to a lot of questions to him as the Chinese and English doesn’t fit.

Next, came my second brother. As he’s not a girl, he can’t possibly use 郑玲玲. My mum decided to follow from my oldest brother’s name and named my second brother 郑伟利. This is again translated into English and my second brother got the name of Willy. So, my second brother is conveniently named Tay Willy, Chinese character 郑伟利. He doesn’t have any problems in using what Chinese names but he doesn’t have a Chinese name in English, if you know what I mean.

Next came me. Thank the Lord it’s a girl and my parents are able to use the girl’s name on the tombstone and so I was named Tay Ling Ling. Again, my mum wanted to name me herself and also to carry on from what my brothers were named, I was given a Chinese name of 郑玮妮. This was translated into Winnie. So, on my birth certificate, like my oldest brother, I was given the English name of Tay Ling Ling, Winnie and Chinese character 郑玮妮.

Now, why wasn’t I, like my oldest brother, using 郑玮妮 when I started school? There’s two reasons for this. One, my mum feels that 玲玲 doesn’t sound as bad as 春发. Two, my mum feels that 玲玲 is easier to learn to write than 玮妮. So, when I was learning to write my name in kindergarten, she taught me to write 玲玲 instead of 玮妮, so the name stuck. When I got older and understood this story, I felt that 玮妮 is a more unique name and wanted to use it but by then, all my certificates and important things are using 玲玲, so it’s too late to change.

From this story, you can see that parents play a big part in what their children are named. My brothers and me have been shaped so much by my parents, even in such a simple thing as a name. Parents! Take note what you teach your children and what you name them!

It's been a long time...

2007-06-18T01:27:00.000-07:00

…since I’ve blogged. Other than being lazy, this lack of blog entries is largely due to the fact that I don’t have my own PC! My only access to internet is when I work. Although I do get lots of free time during work sometimes, I don’t really like to write then. I need lots of time to think and need to concentrate. The fact that someone (gasp, my boss??) may be looking over my shoulder or coming along anytime, just breaks my concentration and I don’t like to do it sneakily. Not that I don’t have anything to blog about. I have so many things in my head that I want to write down, if not for anything, but to remind myself. That’s also the reason that I don’t want to write during short breaks at work. Just can’t do it.

Have recently been to Japan with boss and family. Can’t say I don’t enjoy it, after all, it’s an all-expense paid trip, what’s to complain, right? But given the chance, don’t think I’ll travel with them again. True, I’m there for work first and foremost, so I shouldn’t be thinking about my own enjoyment. But when someone goes on business trip, they do get breaks off from work to enjoy themselves and things like that. But I’m ‘on duty’ 24 hours during the time I’m there! I sleep with the 2 oldest kids and so have to be the last to sleep and first to wake. Real tiring man! Try to do my best and have to listen to complains all the time. Just hard to enjoy.

Anyway, I’ve been getting more and more restless. Just ideas going into my head and I really think I’m going to carry them out soon. Have to do things while I’m still young(I’m not yet 30!) or I’ll regret it in future. Really, nothing much to keep me from doing what I want. True, lots of bills to pay, not enough money, have responsibilities at home. But why am I the only one to care? I may not be more happy, but at least I enjoy what I’ll be doing.

Will update when I’m confirmed with my plans.

Being single

2007-05-15T02:29:00.000-07:00

Single means you have the time to grow and be the person you want to be. Single gives you space to grow. Sometimes, it is harder to grow when you are too close to someone.

Trees are planted far apart so they can spread their branches and become strong as they mature.

Single means learning to live by yourself. However, that is no more difficult than learning to live with somebody else.

Single means freedom. You are free to spend a week’s vacation on the beach, to take computer courses, to work late on an interesting project, to spend the day in bed with a good book, or simply with a person who has read one.

Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful but learning to live with a man/woman because you want to be with him/her.

Single means that sometimes you will wonder why you will bite your lip and feel wistful and wonder if marriage is better.

Ironically, yet quite happily, single is feeling good about being in control of your life.

It is liking and respecting who you are and why you are.

Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better, it is merely different.

Single means that there could be something wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.

Single means you are free to love again. There are times when we are afraid of telling the person, whom we love or like, what we feel deep inside because we might just lose them.

That’s a big risk… I know. But hey….everything is.

The way I see it is, why keep something inside and then end up regretting it in the near future?

But as I’ve said…. everything is a big risk.
So…whatever you decide to do with your feelings…
whether you tell it to that person or not…

you have to be ready with the consequences that come after it and accept it.

Whatever decisions that you have made in your life is part of your growing experience… part of life.

Whatever decisions that you have to make will influence or affect your future.

So think hard before deciding on certain things.

Excitment

2007-05-14T01:57:00.000-07:00

Have not been blogging for some time. Goes to show how boring my life is currently. Actually, I’ve been quite busy, but I don’t know what I’m busy with. Other than work from Mon to Fri, I have student tuition ministry in church on Sat afternoon and on Sun I attend church. Most of the time, Sat morning is spent catching up on sleep. I’m someone who needs lots of sleep, as I’ve said a lot of times before.

Oh, about the exciting news. Have been wanting to blog about it as soon as I got the news, but delayed till now. It’s that my host mum, Anne who’s in London, she’s pregnant! I was so shocked and excited about it when she told me 2 weeks ago. I really have the urge to fly over and see her and ask all the questions I wanted to know, like how she’s feeling, how the girls are taking the news, what preparations they’re doing for it, etc. Most important of all, I really feel like giving up everything and go over to them to help with the girls and the coming baby, not that they’d asked me.

You know during the British-era, when most British families in Singapore hired ‘mah jies’ or amahs to help them with their housework and children? Those ‘mah jies’ would take the vow of celibacy and work their whole life for these families. The children they take care of often see the ‘mah jies’ as another mother or grandmother. I would do that too for the Lynches, if only they would ask or want me. I can absolutely understand the thinking of the ‘mah jies’ and why they are willing to not marry and take care of other people’s children. This is an easy decision when you work for a good family who treat you well like their own family member. Well, the Lynches did not ask anything of me. As I think of Kara and Brigid and of the new baby(to be born in Sept), I just feel like asking them if they need me. However, I’m sure with them being in London now and everything not sure in the future, they would not be able to make any long-term plans anyway.

Recently, I’m being surrounded by babies and pregnant women. A classmate from university just gave birth and went to see her baby when he’s a month old. Then, got to know about Anne’s pregnancy. Then, Xinqing, a friend from church said she’s pregnant again(for the 3rd time!). My boss is pregnant herself, due in October. Yueping, in the States, is giving birth in July. On Sat, Shiying, gave birth to her first child, a daughter. So many babies, so much happiness all around. But all I can do is to stand around and give them my blessings(which I really do, from the bottom of my heart) while my biological clock is ticking away.

Actually, I would really want a child. I really want a child. Have been thinking of adoption but for the stringent rules governing adoption of children in Singapore. If I’m in USA, I would apply for adoption straight away as a single parent. So, being in Singapore means the next best thing to having a child would be to get a guy, marry and get pregnant. But, where to get this guy? Also, living with someone else who has his fixed habits and faults is difficult. How to find someone who can compromise with me enough to live together and also that we must have the same religion?

My hopes of having a child seems miles away…

I want...

2007-04-27T02:34:00.000-07:00

to see Kara and Brigid. I really, really miss them very much. Miss their non-stop chatter, miss their hugs and kisses, miss their high-pitch voices that’s typical of young girls. I miss making meals for them, talking to them, playing with them and also scolding them. Ha! I dream of them most nights. I just miss my girls.

I want a computer also. Desk-top or lap-top, whatever. Just a computer I can use to get on internet, store my pictures from digital camera and for basic computer usage. It’s very hard not having internet access as and when I need it. I can’t even get on Skype to talk to Kara and Brigid and see them through web-cam(which is the next best thing to seeing the real thing).

I want an anklet too. Actually I bought one when I went Bangkok last month. But think I overdo with the accessories. The anklet I bought has too many bells and dangly stuff. Makes too much noise. I want a simple anklet with just one bell. Still must have bell, but not too noisy. Perlini’s Silver has limited anklets selection and they’re the only place I can think of that’s affordable for me. Anyway.

Notes to myself on what I want.

Change of heart

2007-04-25T03:38:00.000-07:00

‘Is it me?’ I ask myself. No, it’s just human nature. It wasn’t mine from the start and never was. It’s too much to ask for an indefinite wait. Time will erase all memories. Something better will come along. It’s all just part of the package of being on holiday. While a mail says one thing, another mail will say the other, just because, things have changed.

Not that I’m really very sad. Just….I don’t know…disappointed, maybe? Disappointed at how things could change so fast. How I just can’t be the one? Disappointed at how ordinary I am. Well, it’s not that I have to cling to it. That’s all in the past. I’m back to reality. Maybe it’s better this way. Gives me the reason to let go, not to cling on for something that’s not meant to be.

God is always good. This is the way of telling me not to hope against hope. Not to do things that I’ll regret. Yes, I guess being cruel sometimes and being direct is the way to stop all forms of uncertainties. No need for guessing.
I still feel sad about it. Sad for human nature. Sad for the memories. No, I still do not regret it. Just that why do I have to be so imaginative? Why do I have so much hope? I’m allowed to feel sad and down for now. I have this right to. Yes, I do. So, let me wallow in self-pity for now. Let me do it my way…

Kah Ji Ma...Don't go...

2007-04-12T05:01:00.000-07:00

It’s just a simple 2 words(or three if you say the Korean version).

Recently have been watching Korean shows a lot and I realise that all, and I mean ALL, Korean shows will have this dialogue, ‘Kah Ji Mah’. (Don’t go)

Whenever the male/female lead says this line, he/she would be full of emotion and love in their eyes. Most of the time, they would also have lots to say to the other party but because of circumstances, can’t say it out loud. It’s always this part that touches me the most.

I’ve always wished to be able to have someone who can look me in the eyes and say these 3 words, ‘Kah Ji Ma’ or Don’t go, to me. When I was leaving for US, I wished to have someone say it to me too. I think, if there was such someone, I would gladly give up everything and stay for him. Yes, there’s friends who said it out of uncertainty and worries for me. However, theirs is not the same as when it’s said by a lover. This may be the reason why, now that I’m back, I wish to go away again.

There’s a lot of reason to why I want to go away. The freedom, the friends, the excitement of meeting new people and exploring new places. However, the most important reason for going away is there’s a lack of reason to stay.

In His hands...

2007-04-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

Yearning? Craving?

Coincidence? Confidence?

Desire? Loneliness?

Truly? Testing?

Blessings with all my heart.

Hoping from deep in my heart.

It’s all in His hands…

Drifting off...

2007-03-26T01:21:00.000-07:00

I’m sooo sleepy today! I’m still not recovered from the weekend. Last Sat, in fact every Sat from now on, I have Students Tuition Ministry work in church. After it ended, went for dinner with Janette at LJS. After that, I felt so bored, so asked WJ and Boon out for ktv. We ended up at K box AMK. It was sooo expensive!! The most expensive ktv experience I had so far. Never going to go ktv last minute from now on, especially on a Sat night.

Anyway, we sang till 3am (since it’s so expensive, have to make it worth our money). Then, Boon says she’s hungry so we had supper at S11. In the end, ended up sleeping only at 4.15am. Next day have to get up at 9.30am for church. I was sooo tired by the time I finished lunch. Had actually thought of going bowling, but good thing no one interested, so it was cancelled.

I had a nap of 2 hours when I got home. When I woke up, I was feeling very grouchy. I think I didn’t sleep very well during the nap. Then, I went to bed at night at 12am. Now, I’m feeling so tired and sleepy at work. Worse, I don’t have anything to do to keep me occupied!! My goodness! Tired but can’t sleep and nothing to do. It’s a nightmare!!! I’m just waiting for time to pass quickly so I can go home and rest. *yawn*

I miss...

2007-03-22T02:34:00.000-07:00

my two girls. Recently keep thinking of my 2 darlings, Kara and Brigid. Sometimes I think I dreamt of them, although not too sure about it when I woke up. I miss seeing Brigid hugging her baby, sucking her two fingers. And Kara with her ‘I love you’s and her hugs. Everyday I wish to call London and talk to them. However, they’re not really good talkers on the phone. Also, being on the phone with them, I’m able to hear and feel their lives over in London. Makes me want to be over there with them instead. Always after talking to them, I feel even sadder. So I have to control myself to not call them.

Anne sent me pictures of the girls during their recent vacation to Dubai. They have grown so much in the space of 6 months! Yap, it’s been 6 months since I last saw them in person. Kara has grown very tall. It’s makes me sad that they’re still so happy and able to grow so well even without me. Of course, I’m not wishing for otherwise. I guess with their young age, it’s easy to forget. This is something that I’ve known ever since I’ve learnt to love them back in USA.

I really miss the girls, the Lynchs, my friends and my life back in USA so much. Till now, I still can’t bear to look at pictures of the girls from the many albums I brought back. Even though physically I’ve moved on, what with new job and new schedule, emotionally I’m still not ready to move on.

How I do miss the girls….!!!

Trip to Bangkok

2007-03-16T00:20:00.000-07:00

Finally able to blog after so long. Well, I still don’t have my own computer. But I have a job now!! Yeah! Congrat me! Not going to talk about my job cos that’s not what this blog is about. Want to know? Ask me lah! Hehe…

Well, from the title, this blog is about my trip to Bangkok last weekend(9-11 Mar). Though it’s just a short trip, it’s been a very, very long time since I went travelling with good friends, and I mean really good friends. Not once during the trip did I feel frustrated or angry or lonely. It’s been a trip that I thoroughly enjoy although it’s very tiring. During my travels in US and UK for the past 2 years, I have been forced by circumstances to travel with either strangers or try to get along with people I don’t really know very well of, that I call friends. While some of the experiences have been good, most of the time, I just feel so lonely. Being with people who don’t really understand you and know what you like or don’t like, it’s just a lot of give-and-take during the travels, which can be exhausting.

During this trip to Bangkok, I’m able to completely relax and let the guys(Dennis and Zhenchuan) plan our itinerary as they’ve been there not long ago and know where to go and where to eat. It’s a very nice feeling also, knowing that they’re my friends and if anything happens, they will try to protect me(as well as the other 2 girls, of course). During my travels alone, it’s everyone for themselves and you have to look out for yourself. If you run out of money, too bad! But during this Bangkok trip, we even borrowed and lent money among ourselves! (Talking about that, I just remembered that I still owe Zhenchuan money for the hotel and air-tickets. Oh well…)

Proud of myself

2006-11-09T22:42:00.000-08:00

After one week of clearing and packing, I finally cleared away my 3 boxes and 2 big suitcases of stuff. Very embarrassed to say that most of these things are mine! I didn’t buy/bring anything back for my friends or family. I did buy a traditional Mexican shirt for my mum but other than that, nothing! One thing, to buy for one, I have to buy for everyone, which will cause me to spend a lot of money. Second thing, my luggages were already overweight and I narrowly missed having to pay for excess baggage, so buying more things were out of the question. I’m sure those who’re really my friends will just be happy to see me back safe and sound than to see my presents.

Oh, back to my room. I’m just so proud of myself. Managed to harden my heart and throw away lots of stuff that I kept for very long time. I really mean a very long time. Some of them goes back to my eldest brother’s primary school days, which is like 20 over years ago! Haha! I don’t even know how they ended up in my room in the first place. I actually had great fun cleaning up my room, to tell the truth. Was looking through all those school books, letters and diary entries. Makes me reminisce about days past and brought back lots of memories. Realised how much I’ve changed or in some ways, how little.

Being a sentimental person, I’ve kept every piece of letter and card that’s given to me by friends. This goes back to my primary school days. Really very funny to be reading about those things that seems important to me then but so silly now. I wrote diary on and off during these years and it makes me silly to be reading them too. Seems like when I was young, I can be very easily satisfied and easily sad too. Maybe this character of mine has not changed, just that I know better to conceal my feelings now.

Well, now that my unpacking is finished, that gives me no excuses to ‘lobo’ at home. Have to start looking for a job soon. My mum has been nagging me non-stop. Have actually wanted to rest till January but I think can’t wait till so long. I have to buy a new computer, set up an internet account and there’s many things that needed to be replaced in the house. Everything needs money. Sigh…I don’t even know what job I’m going to look for…

Finally back in Singapore!!

2006-10-30T08:36:00.000-08:00

Finally, after an absence of 2 years, I’m back home in S’pore. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve changed after all. Seems like everything looks and feel different to me. Even seeing my own room feels so strange to me. Of course I’m happy to be home, to see my friends and eat the food that I grew up with. Just that many things have changed in my absence and I have to get used to the changes.

When I was travelling, I was hating the feeling of living out of a suitcase/backpack. Now that I’m home, I think I’m so used to living on the go that I’m feeling funny to be having permanent place for my things. I miss the friends I’ve made on my journeys too. Talking about my things, I have sooooo many things to pack and unpack!! I’ve accumulated so many things from my 2 years abroad and I have to sent back 3 boxes of things in addition to the 2 big suitcases that I have to lug back. Now, I have to unpack and clear things from my small room so I can fit the new things in. It’s a tedious and tiring process. Wish I have more room for everything.

When I came home, I was wondering what I came back for. My home is not exactly the place to come home to, with all the problems present. The first half hour of coming home, I wish to run away again. It is the love and friendship from friends and brothers and sisters in church that kept me here in S’pore. I don’t really know what I want or what to do now.Well, can only take things one step at a time. Hopefully I can get adjusted and settle down soon. Though I wish to leave, I want to stay on here too. Oh, the irony!!

Unforgettable

2006-10-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

It was the craziest thing I ever did. It was when I deserted logic and followed my instincts and heart. It was one of the best things that ever happened. It was fun. It was exciting. It was interesting. It was a wonderful and unique experience. Although it goes against all that I’ve believed in and stand for, I still went for it. Made my choice, stand by it. No regrets.

Sensitive, independent, strong, intelligent, talented, funny and special are just some qualities I discovered. I will learn not to be dependent on it, as I know I won’t be depended upon. Never had something like this happened before, don’t think will happen again. Have fun and be happy. Don’t ask for more. That’s the rules of the game. I don’t know how to play the game and broke the rules. A good thing that the one that gets hurt is only me.

Yes, I will be missed. Yes, I will be remembered….until the next one comes along, perhaps permanently. I’m one of many stories, while it’s the one and only story to me. No, I won’t fight for it. It will only be futile efforts on my part. Different countries, different cultures, different interests, different goals, different languages. I wish for once, someone would do the fighting, or at least, do it with me. I’m too tired to always do it alone.

Yes, I will move on….eventually. But now, just for now, allow me to drown, in the sweet memories, that may never come again.

Sylvia
October 9, 2006 at 6:13 am

*hugs..
totally understand.. now you understand my pains too..